giraffe-light - Tumblr blog

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i have no one to tell about this but i told someone that a specific song reminded me of them the other day, and i just checked my spotify stats and it’s my 3rd most listened to song this year. i have three months to get that shit out of my top 5 before i look absolutely insane

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so, I got my period. and they texted me back. so nvm i guess

I’m so overwhelmed by all the uncertainties of interacting with other people. I do things that feel like love at the time and then when I inevitably interpret the response as rejection I’m back in a shame dungeon in my brain. I want to love and give, and the sentiments I end up giving to people are burdens that they need to carry. I have a dream where I meet an old friend, and I wake up with an ache for the years its been since I’ve seen them last, and the emotions all feel so urgent. I send a message. In the time it takes for them to respond I’ve imagined hours together that we spend catching up, they tell me that they miss me, that they think of me often, that they love me. But they aren’t feeling the way I’m feeling. Their lives don’t stop because I woke up and felt this way. It’s 3am where they live. I know that they like me. I don’t think they do though. I imagine they’ve always been in love with me. But I never let myself think they like me, that I’m a friend, maybe just someone they haven’t seen in a while but remember fondly. I daydream that they can look past all the ugly things I’ve done. The ugly state of my body and my actions. I spend so much time thinking that I’m good because I try so hard to be good. But I know of all the bad that I’ve done.

I’m haunted by all the versions of myself that are the only memories that old friends have of me, the version of myself that my parents think I am - believe with their whole hearts that I am. I’ll get a message from my mother, some heartbreakingly remembered detail that she felt to remind me of, and wonder how she can afford me such thoughtful kindness when she wont even let me come home for Christmas. I want other people to want me, to lust after me, to want to be my friend, and I forget all the times I just never replied to the text of someone I truly did like, for no reason at all. I don’t know where the line is between being an appropriate friend and being overbearing. We all pretend we don’t watch people’s instagram stories and remember that they went to a concert last week. We’re not supposed to bring it up, even though we’re supposed to watch it online. We need to know and care, but know how to act in the exact way that follows the inbuilt code of communion. Did everyone learn this?

When I was younger I always felt like I missed the day when they explained the rules of team sports, I was always offsides or making mistakes. I think I missed the day where everyone learned how to be normal around other people. Where do I learn this. I want to do the work! I’m googling, I’m reading theory! I want to learn. I almost miss the days where women’s magazines would tell you not to wear certain clothes on a certain body type or not to double text someone, because in reality, everyone is still living by those rules, but the rulebook is at the bottom of a landfill somewhere. I read too many things without the full context!!! Tell me I’m good! Tell me you love me! Tell me I’ve lost weight even though I haven’t been putting in the work to do so, or at least tell me that you do think I’m fat and you did like being seen in public with me more so when I was skinny. I’m tired, and I’m not getting it. I’m so much further than I was, I know this, I know because I had a panic attack for the first time in months, but this time I didn’t even consider drinking. But I can’t let myself believe the positives, I can’t just think something in my mind and believe it, because I don’t know how to tell which thoughts are the good ones. I want to be seen and understood and I want to be loved, ferociously, on purpose, but also because it’s biologically inescapable. How do I become a good, cool, beautiful person??? and how do I get myself to do the work that needs to be done to get there? I’m in mourning for all the people I’ve lost and hurt. I’m dying in shame. I’ll never get to spend Christmas with my family again.

I’m going to have to choose between having my parents at my wedding and having to tell them they’re not welcome. I miss being 23. I miss knowing I had time ahead of me to be a young woman. I miss all the times I didn’t savour. I’m missing my sister’s childhood because our family will never be whole again.

[giraffe-light]

I’m so overwhelmed by all the uncertainties of interacting with other people. I do things that feel like love at the time and then when I inevitably interpret the response as rejection I’m back in a shame dungeon in my brain. I want to love and give, and the sentiments I end up giving to people are burdens that they need to carry. I have a dream where I meet an old friend, and I wake up with an ache for the years its been since I’ve seen them last, and the emotions all feel so urgent. I send a message. In the time it takes for them to respond I’ve imagined hours together that we spend catching up, they tell me that they miss me, that they think of me often, that they love me. But they aren’t feeling the way I’m feeling. Their lives don’t stop because I woke up and felt this way. It’s 3am where they live. I know that they like me. I don’t think they do though. I imagine they’ve always been in love with me. But I never let myself think they like me, that I’m a friend, maybe just someone they haven’t seen in a while but remember fondly. I daydream that they can look past all the ugly things I’ve done. The ugly state of my body and my actions. I spend so much time thinking that I’m good because I try so hard to be good. But I know of all the bad that I’ve done.

I’m haunted by all the versions of myself that are the only memories that old friends have of me, the version of myself that my parents think I am - believe with their whole hearts that I am. I’ll get a message from my mother, some heartbreakingly remembered detail that she felt to remind me of, and wonder how she can afford me such thoughtful kindness when she wont even let me come home for Christmas. I want other people to want me, to lust after me, to want to be my friend, and I forget all the times I just never replied to the text of someone I truly did like, for no reason at all. I don’t know where the line is between being an appropriate friend and being overbearing. We all pretend we don’t watch people’s instagram stories and remember that they went to a concert last week. We’re not supposed to bring it up, even though we’re supposed to watch it online. We need to know and care, but know how to act in the exact way that follows the inbuilt code of communion. Did everyone learn this?

When I was younger I always felt like I missed the day when they explained the rules of team sports, I was always offsides or making mistakes. I think I missed the day where everyone learned how to be normal around other people. Where do I learn this. I want to do the work! I’m googling, I’m reading theory! I want to learn. I almost miss the days where women’s magazines would tell you not to wear certain clothes on a certain body type or not to double text someone, because in reality, everyone is still living by those rules, but the rulebook is at the bottom of a landfill somewhere. I read too many things without the full context!!! Tell me I’m good! Tell me you love me! Tell me I’ve lost weight even though I haven’t been putting in the work to do so, or at least tell me that you do think I’m fat and you did like being seen in public with me more so when I was skinny. I’m tired, and I’m not getting it. I’m so much further than I was, I know this, I know because I had a panic attack for the first time in months, but this time I didn’t even consider drinking. But I can’t let myself believe the positives, I can’t just think something in my mind and believe it, because I don’t know how to tell which thoughts are the good ones. I want to be seen and understood and I want to be loved, ferociously, on purpose, but also because it’s biologically inescapable. How do I become a good, cool, beautiful person??? and how do I get myself to do the work that needs to be done to get there? I’m in mourning for all the people I’ve lost and hurt. I’m dying in shame. I’ll never get to spend Christmas with my family again.

I’m going to have to choose between having my parents at my wedding and having to tell them they’re not welcome. I miss being 23. I miss knowing I had time ahead of me to be a young woman. I miss all the times I didn’t savour. I’m missing my sister’s childhood because our family will never be whole again.

[giraffe-light]

Dying laughing at all the queer fans who clocked Bill the second he poured the wine, versus all the straight fans surprised when he kissed Frank, even AFTER the Linda Ronstadt.

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First cat video ever? 1899, colorized & speed corrected.

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when the whole institution of monarchy is based around rhetorically turning the monarch into a living synechdoche, the nation embodied, it falls a little flat to turn around and be like ‘uwu she was just, an old woman, with a fambly.. and friens…’ like damn if she wanted to just be a regular person maybe shouldn’t wear the silly big hat that symbolically says ‘i am a symbol of this nation’ or get your face printed on all the cash 

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Cozy Cabin Flannels

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there's something that could be said about how spirit halloween stores pop up in the corpses of abandoned buildings that used to host other companies and corporations, almost like they're haunting the space left behind

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Tree Gap in October Moodboard because fuck you all i needed this

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Boys who are sex-repulsed/don’t enjoy sex/are too uncomfortable to have sex - you’re doing an amazing job at coping in a society that associates your maleness with having strong sexual desires. You are valid, you are loveable, you are not ‘weird’ for not fitting into the stereotype of men wanting sex all time.

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ぬこしょく3

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