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[girls-of-everquest]

Eat the whole sausage

So it’s been a while since I’ve posted an update.  It’s not for lack of us slaying pixel monsters and more to do with my life becoming a persisting sleepwalking session.  

We’ve killed lots of new monsters, certainly not the least of them is this exiled king of jerks.  This mother fucker right here:

His main mechanics include starting every sentence with “royal” and ending every sentence with “boop-shi boop-shi boo!”.  This results in your party wanting to run away in a random direction to avoid total spontaneous human combustion.  We killed this guy to death and are now the proud new owners of a recipe for royal gravy.  Live action shot:

After we collected our sanity (and our fringed detached appendages), we ran off to a tik tok house for a supposed party in a dingy moldy basement that smells like insecurity and minimal adult supervision.  Unfortunately, along the way we ran into an aggressive flower which made advances on our entire party wielding a flesh-light bludgeon.  We beat this weed down with excessive amounts of pesticide, steel, and magic missiles *zap* *zzzap*.  The loot went into the trash and we aren’t going to talk about it.

We finally arrived at the house party but all we found in the dingy basement was Nicolas Cage and a swarm of BEES!!  We put Nicolas Cage, and our memory of this, out of its misery.. with bleach.. lots of bleach.

This is what Nicolas Cage looks like without stage makeup:

After leaving the “party” we fought a series of bullies.  First, this group of Gen X’ers who were singling me out because of my sidepart and skinny jeans.

After some brutal insults and owns - including flaunting our ability to get a credit card, our smooth grammar, and the fact that we aren’t the ones appropriating boomer culture - they ran away from the encounter and left behind a useless box full of tik tok videos and mom jeans.

After beating down some teens we got a real taste for blood and went out to find some old people.  Naturally this brought us to Target where we found this gem yelling at staff and other shoppers in the women’s lingerie section:

We sent him reeling back to his townhouse, yappy lapdog, and [oversized nondescript luxury SUV] and took the contents of his pockets.  A bag of [crack] rocks and a pant sized used handkerchief.

Fin

[girls-of-everquest]

Don’t let facts get in the way of a good story

So last night, we decided to get after it again.  We began with adepts near our level, one-shotting Ironhide (who turned out to be anything but) and the Redbull hype-man Taurine, who tried to make us perform regrettable acts but we flipped the script on him.  These chumps died so fast there were several fights I wasn’t able to get a picture on, so I have included as-if-you-were-really-there illustrations below.

Ironhide

Hat - Dipple

Spear - Dipple

Bracer - Edrael

Taurine

Boots - Dipple

Bracer - Edrael

Stick - who cares

There was more shit afterward, including boner man in West Badlands who really put a hurt on our entire group and we nearly wiped but some late heroics by local legend Dtoo saved us.  We got some really neat pixels from that guy including a petrified boner ring, and a really wet hammer (picture omitted due to graphic content).  

We also killed an undead frog who spent the entire fight trying to give me syphilis.  Nondescriptadeptloot had by all.

Things really took a turn for interesting when we went to go check out Fyona the Elementalist in Erimal.  We began by fraternizing with her and her pets.

Yes, that’s right, she’s the crazy cat lady but instead of cats she has elementals.  The strategy for winning this fight is basically akin to how you stack those russian doll things into one neat little package.. except instead of it looking cute and homemade it beats your ass in a multitude of ways.

As you can see by the next image we smashed our heads against this for a while before figure it out, but we eventually claimed our super slick and shiny items! (this time it isn’t a sex thing)

Fyona the Elementalist

Scimitar of this druid now beats ass - Salchicha

Bracer - Dipple

Gloves - Edrael

We did more stuff with the rest of our night but by that point we all had our droolcups on so CBA.

[girls-of-everquest]

Which one of you was fuckin’ with the pants???

So tonight was the christening of our merry band of nerds.  Primitive muscle memory took over and we bashed our faces into our keyboards until some stuff died.

Actual footage from our first attempt versus Sssszzz the Stone (Snake)

We came back later and properly skinned his ass

After this we moved on to bigger and better things, like this tiny ass rat which you can’t even see because it’s getting pummeled so badly by our motley crew.

After this we decided to up the ante.  We found some tiny school aged elf stuck on a roof in Athica calling for help.  So we did the one thing that any good Samaritan would do, we hucked rocks at her until she fell off the roof and was paralyzed!

I see you ogglin that sweet troll ass..

Only one thing left to do after beating up a little girl, go find something manly to kill.  We found this guy minding his own business looking for berries and trash cans or whatever it is bears do in Greater Faydark. I now have nice bear pelt pants.