gisellevgonzalez

[gisellevgonzalez]

Pain part of God's purpose

It's a difficult concept to grasp that pain could be part of God's purpose. That it was God's purpose for Job to go through suffering. It was part of God's purpose for Joseph's years in prison. It was part of God's purpose for Jesus to die on Calvary. When you are in the midst of pain it's hard to believe that anything good can come out of. When the pain has been years and decades of unanswered prayers, it's easy to doubt God's goodness. Romans 8:28 says "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose" His purpose promises goodness but how can what I'm going through be considered good? Because our definition of goodness is not the same as God's. God is the epitome of goodness itself; therefore, his works are for his good- not ours. If we believe that God is a bad God, it's because we do not truly know him. His purposes always prevail and his glory will always shine of his goodness. But God is not heartless because he suffers with us. Jesus wept with those who wept and mourned with those who mourned. Though you may not see the other side of the completed purpose, trust that God is not a man who lies and will bring to restoration what you surrender to him. In my limited human mind I can never understand why God allows suffering, but what I know is that in a world that is separated from him; from the outcome of our choice- there will be evil, pain, and destruction. But in eternity when we are with him, there is fullness of joy, love, peace, and goodness. I was reflecting on this because I've been working on surrendering my pain and understanding to him. I don't understand and I am not required to. Long suffering turns into weariness and hopelessness, but I continue choosing to give it up to him and replace my worries with his peace.

[gisellevgonzalez]

[gisellevgonzalez]

Battling sin

Sin is like the predator: the prowling lion stalking from afar. Waiting for you to become isolated or to catch the bait it has set before you. The temptation that leads to the fall. But why is it so hard to fight against it? Especially when the conviction is there. Because the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. That is why Paul tells us to flee from all temptation, don’t entertain it. But I continue to entertain it, feed it, and hand myself as its meal. And it’s not as though I fell once and learned my lesson… I continue to fall consistently and ignorantly. Sometimes we think our sin doesn’t have external or immediate consequence, but sin will always separate us from God and that should be consequence enough. Sometimes I think I’m too far gone to be forgiven for the 100th time, but then the Lord forgives me 101 and I am speechless every time. I’m probably harder on myself for my sin than God is. But his grace is sufficient and not be taken advantage of. The Bible says that God will not be mocked. There’s shame with sin because the enemy injects lies and says to turn away from God because we will never be enough. And you know what the irony is? Is that statement is true because on our own we will never be enough. That is why we especially need to turn to him. We will never conquer our sin on our own but that is why the Lord is our helper in time of need. I can't try to run from sin on my own but rather run to the lord. I am not too far gone. The lords love is unconditional. The further I run towards him, the more he will change my heart. I need help breaking habits and patterns in my life. He will help me but I must play my part. Jesus died on the cross for the sins I have committed and the sins I will commit in the future. The deed is done. That should have been my price to pay but he paid it anyway.

[gisellevgonzalez]

[gisellevgonzalez]

Contentment in singleness

I was at a point in my life that I had begged and pleaded with the Lord to help make me content in my singleness. More than that, I wanted him to take away my feelings for a boy that no matter how hard I prayed, it would never leave. Thankfully, it left. My prayer then became for me to not catch feelings for a man that wouldn't be my husband. It was granted the first time... not the second. Then my heart was broken and I asked the Lord to not make me feel anymore. To take away all my feelings. Truth be told, my emotions became worse after that but it wasn't until I was on the other side that I realized it was part of the healing process. I'm not sure how I keep falling into this trap; this cycle. But I know I come out better and a new lesson gets taught each time. Now I'm done with the lessons. That last "lesson" was my final straw and I will never be the same. I don't look at dating the same anymore. I'm out of the game now. I played my last card and I don't have anything else in me even if it's just "for fun". I truly don't know how our love lives work when it comes to God. I have heard different theories of that God gives us free will and lets us choose but we have to go out and find them, they won't just show up. And then I've heard that God has already one chosen for us if we were to surrender that choice to him and that we won't need to go out looking for it. Maybe there's a bit of truth in both. If I'm supposed to be putting myself out there then I'm at a loss. If God already has one picked out, then does my stubbornness delay my blessing? Why do some people get to live in sin and still get to have someone? Why do people not even have to try and the first person they date is the love of their life and they get married at 22. But I'm tired of comparing my life to others because thats their business and it has nothing to do with me and what God is doing in my life. I know I was sad and angry in the past but I've let go of my anger and sadness and now I just feel steady and at ease, but I'm also worried that I've become numb to it. I also feel like a part of me has lost hope in men and the only 2 that have not broken that foundation of hope is Jesus Christ and my dad. I've experienced unconditional love through them and my heart is full because of it. I'm not sure if I'm a man hater right now or what but I want nothing to do with men or dating or getting to know a guy. Maybe as a friend but nothing more. And my friends tell me its ok to feel like that now but don't lose hope, don't completely throw it away. And I don't think I have because I still want it, and I still reassure myself that it will happen one day. But I don't claim it and speak life into it on a regular basis. I don't pray for my future husband as much as I should. And deep down I think it's because I still doubt that it will even happen for me. Everything seems too good to be true but then I bring my thoughts back to where I'm at for today, and for today I'm okay. I'm content with it being just me and Jesus. I'm satisfied with myself and I like my alone time even though I still have days I wish for companionship. It's not the same as with spending time with parents or family or friends. But here I am with no feelings for anyone and at peace with that. I've longed for a moment that I could be in this place where I am now. I'm healing and growing with Jesus and I don't want any man to waste my time and take that from me. Whoever my future husband is- whenever I meet him, he will need to be very persistent and get permission from my heavenly father before getting to me because other than that I wont budge and let my heart get hurt again.

[gisellevgonzalez]

[gisellevgonzalez]

Spiritual battles

For the longest time of my life I have witnessed and experienced trials and hard moments but I don't think I've ever really come to truly "experience" firsthand but also very much recognize the inner spiritual battles until this past year. It's been a while of me working through my mental health but I've never noticed the strong connection of mental health with spiritual warfare. Sometimes it may just be only working through mental health of stress and our own self-defeating thoughts, but I know for a fact that lately it's been both. I've been on this swing when i'm down and the negative thoughts and the sadness creeps in, but then I'm up when I feel God's peace and dive into what I know to be true from his word and his promises. And when I'm in tune with my spirit and God's spirit, it's like all the worries fade and I'm at peace knowing that my trust is in the hands of my creator. That's when a few hours or a day passes and the devil attacks. But nothing crazy happens, it's all in my mind. It's like he's taunting me with thoughts of "look at how nothing changes, do you really think it will change? Is God really listening to you when he's been answering everyone else's prayers but yours? Is God even real?" Ive never had crazy doubts like that until recently, and it weighs on me very heavily that I have to fight my flesh to not give into it. It has been a constant back and forth that my spirit feels tired and its a fight in my mind to stay alert and sound. I have to constantly reframe my thoughts. The other day I had a very raw and honest moment with God; expressing to him my frustrations and questions. Why the constant years of waiting. Why do other people get things faster. Why the long-suffering. Why did he choose me. Then he gently reminded me that just like he didn't see the outward appearance of David and what David could offer, he saw his heart and his purity of his love for him and wanting to please him. God chose him for that reason but still waited 15 years until becoming king. Comparison and overthinking is the mind killer. I can see the people around me that may have it "easy" but they probably have it that way because they chose what they wanted rather than God's will. God's will might not be easy and might take time but God's will is his best. When God chose David, Joseph, Moses, Job, it wasn't easy but they were rewarded for their perseverance. Spiritual warfare is fighting any obstacles the devil might throw your way to keep you from God's destiny for your life. And God's purpose is not only for me but it is for others and his kingdom. God allows trials and and the waiting to mold my character and to teach me to be sharp, wise, and humble. Without the character development, I will get to the top and fall immediately from pride that was produced from the lack of humility. I don't want that to happen. I don't want to miss the mark. I don't want to get to heaven and God tell me that if only I had persevered a little longer, I would have seen his glory and all the big things he had in store for me. Fortunately for me, I don't need to face the battle alone. He is for me, He goes before me, He fights for me, and in him I find victory.

[gisellevgonzalez]

When you lose your spark

A topic that doesn't get discussed as much is when you lose your spark. It kind of feels like there's a negative connotation to the concept of losing your spark; especially as a christian. It feels like I'm not doing christianity right or that I should be doing better. I don't try to expose it too much to people but I've noticed it within myself. It's been a while and I don't know how to get it back. It feels like I do the work to get through my depression and even though I'm not as sad, I'm still not joyful and my spark is missing. I'm not numb but sometimes it's hard to fake it and I can't snap out of it. But I'm trying to be patient with myself and with the process. I know that one day I'll get it back and it'll be better. Losing your spark feels like losing the best part of yourself. It feels like missing a person that you see on a daily basis; that person that never left but isn't fully present. I'm still me but how do I get my spark back? People don't talk about the work that needs to be put in and how hard it is when you're comfortable with the mental state you're in. How sometimes you just feel too tired to go the extra mile, so you just take only the one step. But I've learned that's part of life and it's not a sin to be in a rut. As a matter of fact, Jesus understands and knows every emotion and thoughts that I fight with. Sometimes I feel like I take a step forward and then go backwards and I feel as if I keep coming back to the same spot, and that no progress has been made. But that's false. As long as I'm giving this to Jesus and allowing him to walk side by side with me, he will bring that fullness and completion of the joy I've been missing. The spark that has left me will return. I must take heart and keep enduring.

[gisellevgonzalez]

I am melted into the ground I am like glass Pieces scattered all over the floor Unable to recognize my own sound  Losing the spark that dwells inside me Silent but begging to be found

Waiting for the morning to come Hoping the sun will be kinder to me today I am like a tree that is planted Waiting for my fruits  Waiting for the winter to go away But the winter stays and I am frozen in place

I am like clay waiting to be molded I wait for the potters hands to choose my shape “Please be gentle” I say to the potter I am fragile and soft But he is a gentlemen; a caring father He can repair what is broken I am found by him; a love like no other

[gisellevgonzalez]

[gisellevgonzalez]

When I'm floating away And I can't seem to stay And my mind stays awake I'm caught up in the pain When night comes to dark Oh I fall apart when life breaks the heart Thats when I float away

[gisellevgonzalez]

“And so we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.” - F. Scott Fitzgerald

[gisellevgonzalez]

The feeling that never stays

I think being single is easier to navigate when your heart doesn't long for someone you can't have. For years it's been like this. It's like I finally get over someone and then bam another sucker enters my life. Sometimes it was a smooth and gradual entrance/exit and others was as if I was being decked in the face. I can never just enjoy my singleness in peace and be content because its hard when you have feelings for someone. As of late my singleness has also hit me harder because my heart is always hurting. It hurts seeing people find their person and it feels like you get left behind. Time just passes me by and it feels like I keep missing the bus, the flight, or the train. I know there is no such thing as finding your person too late but the more that time goes on the more it seems like it will never happen for me. How do I turn off that feeling? It's easier being single at 21 than at 27 because life feels fresh, it's fun being single, and I'm still figuring things out. But now I have my life somewhat together and I feel ready and people all around me are pressuring me to settle down when it's out of my control. My brain tells my heart what's logical and to be patient and that I am still young, but my heart is struggling to listen. They say to put yourself out there and to take risks but I have yet to see the reward. I just keep getting hurt over and over again and my walls continue to build. It feels like a tease of something I can never have and then when it goes away it leaves a void in my heart that I didn't know I had. Isn't it better to not know what I'm missing than to have it in my grasps just for it to be taken away? And then I get frustrated with myself because I let it happen. I was vulnerable. I could have protected my heart better. But then what if I'm too overprotective and hinder myself from ever finding love? It feels pathetic to think that something like this could hold so much power over me, but I know I'm not the only one. One of my favorite quotes from one of my favorite movies, "Little Women" Jo March says: "I'm so sick of people saying that love is just all a woman is fit for. I'm so sick of it. But I'm so lonely." Isn't that what drives the human's hierarchy of needs? Love, belonging, safety, being in fellowship with others. It's a universal desire of a person to long for companionship. The question we need to ask ourselves is if it's for the right reasons? Personally, I feel like for me it is. I've figured out my identity, my ambitions, my eternal and internal satisfactions, and attempt to hold on to gratitude over my blessings; and yet I still feel incomplete- like there is a part of me that is missing. I give pieces of my heart away that never seem to return back to me. And it can no longer give any pieces that remain. I miss the person that I was before, when I didn't know any better. But now I know more than I wish to, and long for something that I'm not sure will ever be mine. I keep trying to make sense of it all and search for answers that refuse to be revealed. Am I so blind, so naive, so stubborn that I become my worst enemy in all of this? I miss the person I was that was fine with living her life independently; confident in who she was, determined in her goals, and at peace with knowing love would come her way at the right time. I can't seem to find her, but I hope to meet a different and happier version of her someday.

[gisellevgonzalez]

[gisellevgonzalez]

[gisellevgonzalez]

stuck

How ironic that the title says "stuck" and here I am stuck on the words I want to say. I can't find the words, the feelings, other than the fact that I feel like I'm in this endless cycle. And honestly it feels like God is allowing me to stay here because he's forgotten about me or because I've put myself here and this is entirely my fault. I can never be happy and any moment of happiness I get or any time I feel like I'm heading towards a good place, it gets taken from me or it's as if I'm walking 3 steps backwards. I have this reality I can never escape from no matter how hard I try. It feels like such a tease when something great happens. And then I have to remind myself that God knows best and he has better for me. Does he? To be honest sometimes it feels like if he is, then he's withholding it from me. And this might be to build my character and to teach me something but i can't keep going on like this. My 2025 can't continue like this because I don't know if I'm strong enough to handle it. It's been years. I don't know what you're doing God but I'd really like to know. They say you know God's will by being in his word and by being in prayer and honestly I'm still not entirely sure. I better know God's character and his promises but I need more specific words. I know that I should be seeking that out on my own but even if you can use someone else to give me a word, that would be great. I don't know how to keep persevering. I'm allowing things to get to me that I normally wouldn't have. Perhaps it's another test and I don't want to fail but sometimes it feels like I already am. How is it that I see the wall in front of me but I don't see a way to climb it, go through it, or go around it. So then I just sit there and stare at it. Am I not doing enough? Am I missing something? I just don't have the capacity to keep searching for what that is. I want to give up but theres no desire in me to do that and I don't even know what giving up looks like. So God if you see me give me a sign -- whatever that means.

[gisellevgonzalez]

A single girls' diary entry

As the years go by I have tried to come to terms with the idea of not finding love. And then I meet someone and it feels too good to be true. I know right away that this will be just like all the others: a disappointment. Why put my hopes up? I've learned the art of detachment because of it. And then a part of me gets attached and I'm right back to the heartache all over again. But I'm not sure the heartache ever goes away, because even when I'm not talking to someone, I crave the loss of something I never had. Every time I see a cute couple on social media, an engagement announcement, or a rom-com or a sappy love story, those feelings rush back into me. The feeling of unknown. Not knowing what it's like to be so in love with someone and have that reciprocated that it leads to marriage. Not knowing if I will ever experience the little things of receiving "just because flowers" or anniversary dinner dates, or simple exchanges of "I love you's" while being snuggled up. It's the little things that get to me. Like knowing how touch deprived I am but being in denial about it or trying to be okay about it. I have tried so hard for the longest time to be content in my singleness and for a while it was working, but now it's no longer working and I feel guilty about it, and I hate feeling guilty about it. My walls are so high up it will take a very persistent man to bring them down. Sometimes I get scared that I will miss it or self-sabotage that kind of love but I know when it does come, it will feel easy and whatever is meant for me will not pass me by. All this to say; I will keep waiting but my heart aches everyday and I get scared sometimes. If i'm being truly honest, I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of feeling like people pity me for being 27 and still single. I'm tired of the talking stages and the crushes and the "what if he's the one or what if he's not". I'm tired of missing my future husband. But I want to be open for whatever comes my way. I won't shy away from love if it comes knocking at my door, but I wont apologize for opening the door with caution.