gispi-blog

[gispi-blog]

Instagram post about personal growth

"It's taken a long time to be who I am today. Not many people can appreciate my journey because they weren't in the passenger seat, along for the ride.

I am not perfect. I am not the best. I am me. Flaws and all, secrets, scars and everything in between.

I will always be proud of who I am today as the personal growth has been real. If it wasn't for my internal strength, my dedication to keep to my own path, make my own mistakes, study who I am, my will to live and become more of an independent thinker I wouldn't be here today.

No one has to be with me for the ride because we are each in our own vehicles, making different trips. I accept this knowledge, and appreciate the carpools of our shared time together.

Life is given one day at a time, and it's a personal mission to let go any thing that causes me personal distress because it is taking me away from the here and now that I so desperately need to focus on to become happy. I will continue to fight for what I believe in, work on myself, and continue my personal growth as I have been doing ever so quietly. Even if it means I confine myself in my work, home or studies.

The road is long and full of options. I don't want to let it slip by because I was focused on what others think of me. I cannot live like that. Not anymore.

#workingonit #personalgrowth #independent #confinement #choices #paths #journey #carpool #road #mentalhealth #grownup #adulthood #insecurities #anxiety #thefuture #depression #secrets #strength"

Alot of what is said above is from my thoughts in yesterday's "50 Shades..." post as well as how I interact with some of my family members. Some are more judgemental and want you in their lives, but do not do the same for you. I am guilty of this, and my excuse is personal growth. Honestly my family drives me insane with the stuff that has happened or how they are now. I have put myself in isolation for my own sanity because I cannot function with certain family members present. It's like a ticking time bomb when they are present.

[gispi-blog]

50 Shades..

Last night was a night for the books. A co-worker/friend invited me several months back to a male review. She encouraged me to come out even though it wasn’t my kind of thing, to begin with. I even provided the disclaimer, “I will be super uncomfortable but I will go to experience it.”

After several months, the night finally came. I drove 10 miles after work to wait outside the unopened venue. I sat on a bench with a homeless man sitting opposite of me who had wandering eyes on the street. I was in a town that I wasn’t very familiar with, out in public for people to see, along with other passersby. To make myself feel more contained I occupied myself on my phone and started to panic when the venue opened and the ladies started to file in. 

The friend who invited me said she was 5 minutes away. She turned up an hour later than anticipated. Each minute contained short bursts of fear, anxiety, and at one point defeat. I was considering my option of just leaving. Once I started to wonder if I should, she finally showed up. 

I was one of a party of 7. She ushered us up into VIP, also paying to cover charge to upgrade. Once we were settled in the nightclub with loud pumping music, shaking the folding chairs she wanted to get drinks. I went with her to get out of the forming crowd who are all anticipating the guys to hit the stage any minute. The guys at this point were all over the dance floor and in other parts of the club mingling, selling their hot seat cards and taking photos.

Before I proceed, you should know that I have generalized anxiety with fits of social anxiety when it comes to public speaking, meeting people, or just sitting in a room with more than 2 strangers. Needless to say, I was basically relying on a woman in the row ahead of me who I met briefly outside and the friend who brought me. I tried to be cordial and introduce, or make small talk if I could. At one point I felt like I didn’t belong. All the girls there were dressed in something cute, fashionable, sexy or just more primped than myself. I was in a horizontally striped blouse with a pop of teal green towards my collar bone and black slacks with ankle boots. Luckily on the drive, I added a lipstick to go with my smoky eyeliner that was smudged from the days wear.

Besides their appearances, their confidences varied, but the overall majority were swaying their hips to the music or taking selfies with their squad with drinks in hand. I sat quietly in my seat and sipped the cranberry vodka and just enjoyed the vibrations and loud music. It made me wish that I went to clubs still. 

Ever since I turned 22 and went through my last bought of severe depression I ended my relationship with clubbing / partying. After I sorted that depression out, I met my now boyfriend and renounced needing to go to clubs, as I never felt like I fit in, being an (in my opinion) unattractive fat girl.

The friend new about my anxiety and depression and constantly checked in on me. She noticed I was quiet and not really vibing with the music like the rest of the women in the club was. I reassured her that once I get into it I will be all the way in. It takes some time for me to get comfortable in an environment that I’m not too keen on, and alcohol usually helps with that.

The MC was on stage and the show started. I wouldn’t say many of the guys were hot. Yes, they were ripped. Yes, they were attractive. Yes, they have some appeal. Only one stood out to me. Mike Xavier. When my friend purchased a hot seat, she was practically begging me to join her on the stage. I obliged but said that I wanted the one I’m more interested in. Since this was my first rodeo I didn’t bring any cash, and only had cards. I tried paying with my card and it almost didn’t go through.

In my head, I was hoping that the transaction wouldn’t go through, haha. But by the will of God, it went through and I got a random playing card which will determine when that round of girls go on stage. My mentality when I must face the music is, “Well, fuck it. You have to do it now, no matter how under-prepared you are”. 

My friend was int he first round with Kai, the hunkier slightly older man from Hawaii. Something worth noting is that my friend is almost 6′ tall and is also a plus woman. She is top heavy, not too much on the bottom. We are opposites and I’m about 4″ shorter than her. He picked her up when she was spotlighted and was wrapped around his waist while her squat and popped her up in the hair. She looked fabulous, and I was hoping that if that was in store for me that I would look just as gorgeous as her.

The next round was being called and I was to be in the round after that. At that time I decided I needed to go to the bathroom just in case if I am jostled too much I don’t. I start to make my way to the bathroom when I hear that they didn't have any girls with the card they were calling. They proceeded to call my card. I had a mini heart attack when I could distinguish that they were calling my card. I ran from the back of the crowded club and pushed my way through VIP and ran to my friend who was holding my card. I snatched it from her and got up on stage.

There was no turning back now. I sat there and the rest of the women seemed nervous or uncomfortable. I was trying to look super into it because I know I was projecting being frigid and stiff. I kept my eyes off of the audience and only made eye contact with my friend sitting in the 2nd row. The guys rotated and gave us lap dances while they pulled the others into the spotlight. The women next to me all were screaming and seemed to be playful but uncomfortable. When each guy came by and ground his butt on my lap, shove my legs open so he can stand on my chair and dry hump the air in front of my face & chest I participated in grabbing their butt or feeling this thigh or touching their chest. Most of the men had to place the others women's hands on them and I was the only one grinding back in my seat along with them or grabbing them. But I did not grab any of their junk, though it was said you could in the beginning.

It was then my time in the spotlight. The medium build short haired blonde said to be to jump, and I did as quickly as I could. Instantly I was self-conscious because I am a big girl who was center stage, legs wrapped around this guy’s torso as he squatted and pumped me back in the hair while my thighs slapped on his. He was shirtless and was sweating a bunch, which caused me to feel like I didn’t have a grip on him. I thought at one point I was going to fall back onto the stage in front of hundreds of people. Before I knew it, he put me down, and I was back in my seat. I stuffed dollar bills into his jeans before he ran backstage and we were told to return to the audience.

I noticed my friend had been videotaping the whole thing and I was hoping to get a glimpse of it at one point. All her friends said I looked good up there and was the only one basically enjoying myself. After I told them about how I thought I was going to fall from not having a grip I left for a long line in the women's restroom.

In that line, two “hot” girls who were tipsy and vibing off themselves in the mirror noticed me and in a fake chill voice complimented me and said, “I see you girl”. I wasn’t sure if they meant it or were mocking me. They were size 2 and size 4 girls you find on Instagram posting provocative photos for likes and follows. I decided to go along with it and be humble and not paranoid (thanks, anxiety). After the long line and a much-needed bathroom break, I made it back to my seat.

The rest of the night I was whooing at the guys then they did some awesome moves. I enjoyed the rest of the evening through my head was pounding from an underlying headache which started in the morning. By the end of the night, we were outside and able to take photos with the guys. I wanted a photo with the guy I didn’t get a dance with, but he was obviously the main hunk and everyone was lining up with him.

I instead last minutely before they were to run inside got a picture with the long-haired Taylor who did give me a lapdance while on the stage. My phone was dead at the time, so my friend took the photo. Now I had to wait. When I got home my supportive husband asked how was it, knowing that this was my first time to anything like this. I told him that I was on stage and told him about my spotlight time.

Then I mentioned that my friend took a video of it. He said he was okay not seeing it. Part of me wanted him to see it because I wanted him to know I did something out of my comfort zone, and that he would hopefully be proud of me. He still declined. 

It wasn’t until today when I received the video that my confidence took a major hit. Remember, the stage is at least 3 feet off the ground. The angle the video was captured did nothing for me, and then I seen the short haired blonde somewhat struggle for balance when putting me back down. On top of that, in my head, I felt like my husband thinks that I did something compromising or untasteful and that’s why he doesn’t want to see it.

Now after spending the last 45 minutes combing through the in-the-moment thoughts vs the reflecting on it all vs. video thoughts, I am stuck in my head trying to not feel like a total fat cow. I looked like a fat ham (literally, my thigh and butt are thicker than this guys body.) No matter the compliments, or my pride from doing something out of my comfort zone, my confidence still took a hit in the end and now I just wish I could go through an extreme surgery where they trim all the fat off (if only).

I had fun last night but I swear it is hard when you lack confidence, live with anxiety coupled with depression and try to put on a smiling face. When they come next time, I plan to go, and I plan to be leaner so these poor guys aren’t lifting a woman who can break their back if being strained. 

[gispi-blog]

Last Night my coworkers threw me a Bachlorette dinner party. It was very quaint, silly, and loving. I have some of the best co-workers, and friends. I don’t need a huge party, as intimate gatherings works wonders.

These are the photos I took personally before my phone died. The party was held in a mansion in Woodside, Ca. There was food, music, dancing, wine, and cake. Not to mention very personal and fun questions they asked the happy couple. 

“Who’s a better kisser?”, “Who asks for lovin’ more often?”, “What’s each others shoe size?”.

I actually received a bouquet of white roses, and a fabulous neck piece. All that was missing was a tiara. The ladies were asked to arrive in white, and they all did. It was a classic affair, and a beginning of new traditions.

Today will be 4 days until the day I get married. Last night, as the end of it all and we had just crawled into bed, I told him I loved him and cannot wait for the days to tick down. We have our whole lives ahead of us, and we are lucky to have found each other.

There is no doubt in my mind about this marriage. Last night many of topics surrounded around divorce and knowing each other very well. I mentioned that I know the side effects of divorce, and arguing. Fortunately this far into the relationship, we haven't had a big argument or told each other off. I have my outbursts, and can act very childish when it comes to our disagreements. We are both stubborn, but we are always working it out as it happens. It’s hard for me as I want to close us, but he makes me better by talking about it. Even if it hurts.