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[gjyyfhihug]

A couple years ago this time I made a decision that forever changed my life. I’ll never forget the morning after… waking up early decluttering in my closet all his belongings. All the memories. All the broken promises all onto that box. Walking out in tears telling myself horrible things. From being my own biggest disappointment to forcing myself to replay over and over the conversation he had with me the day prior at the park.

“Jessica we aren’t meant to be. I didn’t mean to hurt you I’m sorry. I’m just here for closure. It’s over my feelings changed. You have to forget and move on. I dont care anymore leave me alone. I don’t love you like before. Just so you don’t hear it from someone else I slept with my coworker. I’ve moved on… ”

I’ll never forget arriving to that house that seemed so forbidden. Pacing back and forth. Panicking. Feeling anxious and scarred. Feeling so heartbroken. Knowing this was really it.

“How could I allow to lose? It’s not fair. I can’t do this I love him. We aren’t perfect but I’ve never felt this way for anyone! I don’t know how I’ll survive this. I can’t let go I need him. He said we’d be together forever and always! He promised!!!!.”

I tried contacting him one last time that day. I thought he’d be home. Maybe just maybe he didn’t mean it all. But He wasn’t home. I guess when he texted me that I had the courage to play this song and walk up to the front door. I remember taking my heart pendant out and putting it right on top of the flower. A symbol of my forever and always. That was my way of releasing my sorrow. Leaving all the pain behind. Right on that box. Right in front of his door. That was so traumatic and a torturous good bye…. The walk back home wasn’t so pleasant either. Tears and tears for hours and days. The scar still lingers on my heart.

It still all gets to me if I’m being sincere. That’s not someone I like to talk about. I’m just kinda tired of crying you know? I’m not going to act like idc. He was very important to me. He was my first love. The first person I ever trusted. The first everything. It wasn’t easy and still isn’t to accept this new reality. I’m working on it and growing. Sometimes I look back and wish for a different outcome. Sometimes I go back to the places and remember how it all started and developed. I’ve been told to get over it I need to hate him and feel angry. I mean I do bc I’m still healing but I can’t really hate him or be angry towards him. I wasn’t prepared to let him go when I was forced to. So it’s pretty obvious my feelings of loving him stayed but I had to suppress them with time. I had to get used to a life without him. Pretend as if he was non existent. It sucks to know it ended the way it did. Only bc we went through a lot and I figured one way or another we’d still be involved in each other’s life’s. But that’s a naive little girl way of thinking. That’s a jessica that believes in hope and fixing everything. Sadly…. I had no choice but to destroy that version of me.

I guess now it all doesn’t matter. It’s been a long time. Idk if I could ever have a conversation with him. Idk if I could ever look at him. I see things differently now. I understand them differently. I don’t regret him or the experience like every typical relationship you take the good and bad and learn from it, right? I guess since I’m here doing this which I never intended to bc like I said I don’t talk about the past anymore for obvious reasons if he were to see this I only have this to say…..

I understand now what it means when you used to say love from afar. With that being said I’m genuinely sorry for your loss of your father. If I didn’t reply when you texted me that October it wasn’t bc I was ignoring you. It was bc you know your intentions weren’t pure. You know very well how I feel and we both know I’m the only one who’ll get hurt again. Also bc I’m not ready to let you in my world. Idk if I’ll ever be…. And lastly thanks. Thanks for the manipulation and mental abuse. Thanks for the disrespect and humiliation. Thanks for the pain and paranoia. Thanks for the depression and anxiety. Thanks for the smiles and the tears. Thanks for allowing me to lose myself completely with you and fall so deeply in love. Thanks for making me believe and then crushing my dreams. Thanks for all the beautiful and ugly memories you left me with. Thanks for choosing temporary over forever and breaking my heart and breaking my soul. Thanks for “showing me how my first bf/ relationship should be”

I’m at peace. It took a while. It took all of what you did to me to realize how fucking amazing I really am. Should go without saying but if I must, this is my closure. This is my way of telling you I’m sorry you’ll never see the best version of me that I’ve become. This is me loving me.