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[gl4ssj4r]

REALLY LONG TIME no update

and a LOT has happened! NOT even kidding you. Derek is gone. The last time he spoke to me was in April 2021. I think I wrote about it in here. I sent him a “black letter” in October 2021. That was it. False twin.. gone.

I guess the universe decided I needed another false twin so.. Shadow. What a damn soap opera. It wasn’t even just him.. it was quite a few people. Not even just that group.. I shed so many fake people, so many false friendships, false family, overall..

................ and that, all that, sparked “dark night of the soul.”

Then so much changed so fast.

I don’t know what Lux is. I have my theories, my suspicions.. my hopes.. but I don’t know. Or maybe.. I’m afraid to know. We’re meeting in 4 1/2 weeks. Either way, he’s my boyfriend. And Tig’s my husband. Well, he will be on 11/11. No, seriously.

And I graduated from SDSU.. and I’m applying to their MFA program.. A LOT HAS HAPPENED. I’m finishing up the last two AA’s then... hopefully I’ll be at SDSU for an MFA ^_^

Details with be forthcoming (I think), but my spirituality is... soaring.. imo. All I know is I was listing to a song that I started listening to when I was talking to Shadow... a lyric in it is.. “let the darkness lead us into the light”...

Shadow.. to Lux..........

... “one touch and I ignite.”

🎶: K-391, “Ignite” (feat. Alan Walker, Julie Bergan & SeungRi)

[gl4ssj4r]

Vacation

Not sure how this pandemic is seen as a “vacation?” I’ve spent the last year worried sick. If I went out, I went shopping at night, avoiding assholes that couldn’t be arsed to pull a mask over their big fat noses. I am immunocompromised with asthma, Tig is asthmatic.

I was worried that Tig would lose his job.. luckily he didn’t. Actually, he might get a promotion.

I fought to get into university for nearly 20 years and I can’t even go to my classes.. and I remember the week campus shut down. They told us to get our shit and not come back. For a week or two, we were all confused, and most of our professors were being obnoxious, any studio/lab classes were completed half-assed.. not what any of us wanted.

Any time my throat felt off, a bit scratchy, if I was coughing and sneezing due to allergies, I thought about what I would do if I had Covid. I decided I would stay in my car to make sure no one else got sick. No one would have done the same for me, though if Tig got sick I’d probably never let him stay in a car. He said the same thing but I wouldn’t give him a choice.

And if one of us ended up in the hospital, we couldn’t be there for each other. I couldn’t touch him or kiss him, no matter which one of us was sick. We’d have to talk over Skype or something, terrified that the other wouldn’t make it, scared and alone.

And if one of us didn’t make it, we will have never touched each other again. The sick one would.. die alone. Like.. I’m tearing up just thinking about it.

We sat watching as the virus came closer and closer, hearing about people dying, friends and relatives.. any time anyone had to go to the hospital (which seemed to happen a lot right now), we were freaked out. Are they ok? Do they have to stay? Will they bring Covid back to us? I personally refused to go to the ER, even when I thought my gallbladder may have needed to be removed.

At one point, stress was added by a wildfire that almost took my home. We were evacuated and the fire got SO CLOSE to the house. For days we didn’t know if it was still there. Being evacuated and staying with people during a pandemic was scary.

On top of all of this, the depression and anxiety started building up to the point where I wanted to die. There seemed to be no end in sight.

Then the rioting, the chaos of the last election, watching as a group of lunatics stormed our capital building in DC and our narc “leader” cheered them on. The fact that we lived with MAGA idiots who attacked us every time they got the chance. Knowing a lot of the BLM people weren’t even for BLM, they were just basking in the chaos and/or causing more, not helping.

California went on lockdown on 3/19/2020. Today, 7/12/2021, I sit in the Starbucks on Main St for the first time in a year and 4 months.. I’m vaccinated and I feel like things might be getting back to normal. I keep trying to go places because I’m so restless which is stupid. I feel so relieved ever since I got my vaccination, though. I am sad to have Tig go back to work, but I am also strangely relieved.

But yeah.. a vacation. -_-

[gl4ssj4r]

Writing

I have horrible writer’s block. My art block is going away. I am writing here in order to force myself to write. I’ve been doing a lot of research on BPD and following/reading about people who have it and I am so relieved to see that I am not alone in these damn symptoms. I’m even feeling more confident about the illness, like the more I know, the more likely it is that I’ll conquer it. But I feel like that isn’t true. I know it’s degenerative, it only gets worse. But at least now I know I’m not just a horrible person.

It’s baffling, though, how many people will insist that I have to “not let [my] symptoms affect my life”.. like.. what? That’s not how that works. That’s not how any of that works. “I KNOW YOU HAVE THIS HORRIBLE MENTAL ILLNESS BUT YOU SHOULDN’T LET IT AFFECT YOU.” What??? I just.. what?

Anyway, I think I just have writer’s block when it comes to my main story. I’ve been making my main female OC in games (D&D 5e, Pathfinder 2e, FFXIV) to try and get to know her, and I’ve come to the conclusion that, yeah, she’s me. My issue is that I am having serious issues reconciling my personality with the idea that I’m.. well.. not a bad person. I don’t know how to explain it. My main female OC is a deity of light.. and how can someone like me be light? Like, I know that it absolutely possible, but I just can’t seem to fit the idea of me w/ BPD and a lightworker or something together. It’s confusing me so thoroughly that I actually thought I might make my main female OC actually have BPD, just so I don’t have to water myself down. But how I do that? I know most people would just say “ermergerd she’s annoying” bc “awareness” is only a virtue signal, but wouldn’t it be... nice.. to see a main oc with a debilitating mental illness that isn’t portrayed as evil or abusive or some kind of goddamn murderer? But.. how do I do this?

[gl4ssj4r]

I’m not doing well. Not sure if this is a long down or something, but It sucks. It feels good to write here, though.

I need to read more, too.

Just.. get away. I wish I could hide or sleep until it’s over. Like.. a tiny cabin in the rain somewhere. Maybe it’s this pandemic that seems to never end that’s getting to me..

[gl4ssj4r]

Dear self,

Please understand how far you’ve gotten, and despite everything, how far you want to go. Remember your dreams. Remember that you are not the people around you and you do not have to allow yourself to be abused, nor do you have to feel guilty for not allowing said abuse.

Everything is so hard for everyone right now, but you haven’t given up so far, don’t give up now. Remember, you didn’t just learn to dance in the rain, you learned to dance in a hurricane, to sail through the storm. You learned to love the storm and realize its necessity. Carry a lantern through it now, try to find others so you could help them through it, too.

Keep going.

[gl4ssj4r]

</3

Maybe it’s that I’m getting older and more bitter. Maybe it’s that I have surrounded myself with people that I don’t think give two shits about me. Not even one shit.

How stupid can I be??? In 14 YEARS, Derek has NEVER apologized, never once come back to me. Wait, no. He did come back ONCE in the first 6 months we had met. Now that I know he’s a goddamn narcissist, I see that he was afraid of losing his supply. He realized he was going to lose me and hoovered me. My dumb ass was like “aw gosh, look he cares.” Took maybe a month before he spat me back out, insults and all. I was “easy.” Sexist af, especially considering that we said we’d try it and he immediately started dating someone else without even telling me.

I think he took what I said to Matt seriously. I was so freaked out by what Matt said that I panicked. I thought that if I didn’t say what he wanted me to say, he’d tell Derek lies. It never occurred to me to take a damn screenshot and block him. Of course, it wound up being a disgusting trick.. a test from that ass.

Just to clarify- he had been trying so hard to get me to fuck him and I now see that he just wanted to so that he could have that power, that connection. Problem is, I never wanted to just fuck him. I wanted him. I wanted all of him. I wanted a relationship, a marriage, and sex. I knew if I had sex with him, I could never ever break that connection but that he would run the second he got what he wanted and I would be left in pieces.

I have gone back to him because I missed him, because I wanted him in my life, but he only reconnected with me once in order to reel me back into his games once and for all.

Now he fucks every person he can. One girl was married- MARRIED. He is in a relationship. I didn’t even judge him like he judged me, but out of nowhere he started treating me like trash. I wondered why, then I thought about it and realized I was the only one that ever reached out, the only one that made promises, the only one that said anything for the most part. I have no idea why I connected to him the way I did, he says I’m not special, many women have done this, but I just want him gone. I have very few regrets in my life, but he is a big one. I go back, reading through journals, and the ones I kept before I met him seem to have some sort of innocence to them, a silver lining, a lantern. The ones after I met him have a very painful, dark tint on them. I mean journals that have nothing to do with him, like he brought this pain tint into every aspect of my life. Yet I couldn’t let go.

I don’t even know if I can now, but I have done everything feasible and in my power to cut him off. We’ll see. Last time I cut him off was in September 2018. I didn’t talk to him again until January 2020, and only because I swear I thought the world was going to end and I wanted to know he was ok.. that and it became so painful to not talk to him that I reached out. He was ok at first, talked to me a lot- I assume to reel me in- then he started treating me like trash, ignoring me, telling me I’m negative, the usual bullshit. I noticed that I was normally decent until I thought of him or contacted him, or vice versa, then I was upset again. I think every time he felt me feeling better, he jumped on it and tried to destroy it via games or insults. He usually succeeded.

This time I just said fuck it. I was energetic, happy, and I decided to contact him to make sure he was ok. Not gonna lie, I said something about him unfollowing me on Instagram after he bitched me out for ignoring him and then checking on him, and just decided I was over it. I noticed the pattern and walked away. I took the little jar of rocks and crystals I put together for him and deconstructed it. I put the rocks and crystals into a bigger jar with more of them and I feel like their energies are cleansed. I also took the ring I got for him and threw it into the yard with Jack’s (the dog) chuck it. The next few days, the yard was being dug up, so I’m relatively sure it is gone. If not, I will drop it off the pier in IB if I find it again. Like the Ring of Power into Mordor.

Like bye. I know I promised I wouldn’t leave him again but.. I don’t have the energy for him anymore.

[gl4ssj4r]

These are the moments I’m afraid of.

People hurt me.

No one is with me.

I am really really thinking that the best idea is to be done. I don’t belong here. I’m a failure. A loser. 37 and I have no direction. Body falling apart. Everyone hates me.

[gl4ssj4r]

Let’s see...

What is it going to take? An actual suicide? Before someone listens to me??? Everything was fine then Tig’s mother started at me about Biden.. that was after she was talking about how she didn’t feel sorry for anyone who is working on a bachelor's degree and missing out on it bc of Covid bc at least we have the opportunity to get a bachelor’s. Like. Duh? But after everything I have been through to GET to this point, I can’t see my campus, I can’t experience college. Could it be worse? Uh, ya. But it still sucks. She used that conversation to get a little jab about Biden in. I don’t even like Biden, I liked Bernie, but I don’t want to hear some TrumpChump crying about Biden. Jesus fucking Christ. LEAVE me alone.

I feel drunk right now and I haven’t drank a damn thing.

And why have I ALWAYS been so aimless, with no direction? Why does NOWHERE feel like home???

[gl4ssj4r]

hjfkdsgjfgsajk

Ya want me to write? I’m gonna fuckin write.

I have been drinking WAY too much in the last 3 days. Extremities and are swollen and everything and I feel great. Won’t in the morning.

I haven’t been able to focus allllllllllll week. I might talk to my doc and ask for some adderall or something. I HAVE TO READ and I can’t bc I can’t focus.

[gl4ssj4r]

I’m so negative

So I started classes this week and I am already too busy to deal with bs. But I should vent. I keep being told that I am “negative” and “toxic” but.. it occurred to me that when I’m not having some sort of down or some sort of episode, many people love me.

I realized that, actually, I am.. ok.. until they show up. They unadd me on Facebook, they unfollow me for no reason, they call me toxic and bring sadness, doubt and pain into my life. I am perfectly fine until they show up, in whatever stupid way they choose to show up. I don’t care about randoms unfollowing me too much (unless it’s my art account which is basically forever alone and makes me sad af).. but these are my “friends” and “family.” These aren’t distant people either, they have been friends with me or known me for DECADES.

And every one of them.. are narcissists. I mean, maybe they don’t have NPD, I am not a psychologist, but they have so many traits of severe narcissism and my “symptoms” after they came into my life have been that of someone who was abused by a narcissist.

I don’t know why I’m writing this, maybe so that if I start thinking I should talk to those people again, I grow a brain and don’t do that stupid shit. This is a note to self, perhaps. I allow them to hoover/love bomb me and get torn up all over again.. and again..... and again.

There are others who are not narcissists but they are incredibly ACTUALLY toxic. For example, any time I am happy, they get really nasty. They will just take things and tear them apart for no reason. They will complain about someone or talk a bunch of crap. Everyone talks crap, I am not perfect obviously and I do talk shit sometimes, but I remember that within mere minutes on New Year's Eve after walking in the main house, I heard people calling J-Lo names and bashing Mariah Carey for using a voice distorter or something.

I just need to bring this crap to a halt before it gets too bad. I knew allowing these people back into my life was a terrible idea, Tig and Eli even said so before I did it.. now I’m having to avoid these people in order to avoid being poisoned. I guess that is what I will do. I have 2 1/2 years here, I have to protect myself, and these people are not going to be kind, they want to drink my energy and leave me for dead.

I have SO MANY books to read, so much to write, a personal statement to write (terrifying O_O), a BA major and minor to complete, 2 AA’s to complete, 3-4 grad school applications to do, student visas to file for, decisions about school loans, possible scholarships to apply for, conferences to go to, a HUGE comic to write, an attempt to stay in Canada if I DO get into one of these schools, I plan to teach undergrad students and help Tig save up for and start his gaming store, writing my own book(s), and all of this while my body is trying to kill me.. I don’t even know if I can do all of this.

Actually I also have to remember that I have several art ideas on the side of this, too. I just inhaled deeply thinking of all this. Ugh. I’m going to finish my homework. =/

[gl4ssj4r]

Bipolar down

I’m afraid that it doesn’t matter. I’m afraid that eventually this sickness- the sickness that gives me creativity- will claim my life.

Chester fought. Robin fought. Eventually they lost. Is that where I’m going to end up? Or do I just suffer and wait for.. something?

And what if I do write my book and then I have nothing left to live for? I mean, I can try to be here for Tig and Jack and the cats.. but sometimes I feel like they’d be better off without me. I keep thinking of destroying old journals so that no one can read them if I did go. It just went through my head. I don’t want anyone to read those.. and honestly, I want to forget them. I don’t ever want to see them again.

Classes started and I’m just.. I don’t know.

Why do I think I can get a masters? My stupid brain won’t even let me get a BA in peace. I’m sitting here thinking about getting an MFA and working and.. I just don’t think I can.

[gl4ssj4r]

Greetings from Cali-fcking-fornia.

I have truly fucking had it with our fucking electricity going off ALL THE TIME. Last semester it going on and off and finally went out with a bang by going off for my JAPANESE FINAL. I am not kidding. EVERY OTHER DAY IT WAS ON BUT NOT THAT FUCKING DAY. And the cherry on top?? It came on literally AS I was finishing my final.

I hate it here. I HATE IT here. It’s like living in the dark ages. The wind is blowing?? HOPE YOU DIDN’T WANT FOOD OR ANYTHING. NO INTERNET OR ELECFUCKINGTRICITY BECAUSE

THE WIND

IS BLOWING.

Welcome to FUCKING CALIFORNIA.

Oh and the electric company in question will charge you an arm and a leg when we have the audacity to use air conditioners when it’s ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTEEN DEGREES OUTSIDE, but they won’t CREDIT YOU when they shut your electricity off.

I am SO SICK OF LIVING IN THE DARK AGES.

[gl4ssj4r]

Help me release this toxic shit.

🎶: Zedd ft Hayley Williams, “Stay the Night”

Omg.. so for the longest time I thought that maybe I should write more, 500 words a day or something? Like Stephen King does? But then I just realized that I have been writing since I was a damn kid. Journals, stories, whatever. So I have been writing and I am happy about that.

HOWEVER. My family, people who I am just plain fucking done with, are at it again. The last week has been a damn hot mess. 9 days ago, there was a terrorist attack on our Capitol in Washington, DC, by none other than MAGA. Of course, Trump lovers wasted NO time blaming Antifa and are doing it to this day.

And I am surrounded by angry Trump idiots who want to tear me down in any mother fucking way they can. First off, I kept seeing bs going up and down my fb timeline that was just plain stupid and was empathizing with said terrorists. I was upset because of it and posted that this and people- “family”- who basically didn’t care if I died were the reason I deleted my real name Facebook in the damn first place. My mother berated me for THREE HOURS, bringing up EVERYTHING she could drudge up, rubbing shit in my face from YEARS ago, DECADES ago, calling me names, making absurd accusations, etc. My Aunt Allison kept posting bs and when I politely left proof that what she was saying wasn’t true- LITERALLY NOTHING RUDE- she sends me a message saying “life is too short to deal with your shit.” I told her she wasn’t singing that tune when she asked for and received FREE ART from me.

After avoiding Shane’s house for DAYS, his mother calls me back in to make a bunch of nasty comments about gender issues and some other crap that I felt wasn’t appropriate, in the last month she has been making some VERY NASTY COMMENTS about lesbians in particular. I’m scared to say anything because I’m bi/demi and I do NOT want to get the hate they will radiate if they ever find out. I guess I’m in the closet? :( This morning, his father started blathering about politics. On top of this, I feel some major drama waves vibing from that damn house. Toxic, TOXIC, energy. Ugh. No thanks.

AND! It’s. Not. Going. To. Stop. And I KNEW this would happen. I blocked my “mother,” blocked my aunt, and am now avoiding Shane’s family. They are just NOT good for me.

Many people, including myself (which I’m proud of because it shows that I am starting up some self-love), have noted that I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS. I am freaking out over Japanese this semester, starting my minor classes, starting my application to grad schools (YES YES YES), and starting my project for the application.. which is going to be a comic! Much longer than my usual 2 page comics and.. :’).. featuring my story. Actually I think of it as a preview of my story. It will be the song “Zero Gravity” by Kerli, the one that always makes me think of it from beginning to awakening- the images will be storyboarded to that little movie in my head. I have NO TIME for bs. Zip, zero, zilch.

Even better, we’re starting a D&D game where I will play and get to know my OC, Sol. Plus I got some printmaking stuffs and am currently experimenting with it. :D I am STOKED.

I feel better after writing all of this. More confident. I need to stay away from them. Thinking of them just now made me feel like I was going to puke. Not exaggerating. =/

[gl4ssj4r]

So far so- fuckin A

Jesus Christ, can’t America just get through this bs without a bunch of idiots flailing? Trump chumps lost their minds and ATTACKED THE CAPITOL BUILDING IN DC. What. The Actual. FUCK.

NOT even a week into 2021 and there is a new and faster spread version of Covid, Tig has to go into work MORE, my nana is in hospice (not from Covid), there are rioters in DC due to weenies not handling losing an election at all, AND a Covid scare. Promising. -_-

[gl4ssj4r]

I survived 2020

It’s 2021. I’m working on everything. I got a holy buttload of art supplies- acrylic, gouache, ink, carving and stamping stuff..

I have so many ideas. I thought about printmaking my OC’s home. I have SO much of the blanks on my story filled in. I’m ridiculously excited about that.

I have now been published twice, officially. I am going to apply to masters programs either this fall or next. If next fall, I am finishing my Drawing & Painting/Ceramics degrees at community college. I have SIX classes until I’m done with 2 degrees. NOT doing it would be dumb. -wrings hands- I’m just worried that if I don’t apply and go immediately, I will lose my momentum.. but the extra year gives Tiger and I time to pay stuff off, straighten out finances, and.. I dunno.. plan? I’m still on the fence about this but.. =/

[gl4ssj4r]

dying

I am getting sick from this society and the people surrounding me, and I mean like.. mentally sick. My soul is sick. I don't know how to make it stop, I don't know how to get better. I just keep isolating myself and I don't htink that is helping.

I've been thinking of suicide just to end this.. awful feeling.

And yesterday one of my friend's parents passed away from Covid after being in and out of the hospital and on and off of ventilators. Now I'm really freaking out and Tiger's parents are having people over and

it's just getting to be too much. Maybe taking too many classes was working to keep these thoughts down.. classes are over and now I'm back here in this crippling darkness and depression.. trying to drown it out any way I can. Movies, music, TV, books.. not sitting down for half a second.

[gl4ssj4r]

I wish I had time to focus on my art. Maybe instead of applying to grad schools right away, I’ll take a year off and focus on my art and my story. Like completely.

Only problem is the without school or something my creativity just dies. I need brain food, brain exercise. But I feel like if I slow down at all I’ll just lose my momentum and faceplant. Though I would be in Vancouver (Canada not Washington state) for a big part of that year, too, just exploring and enjoying the rain.

Maybe I could also make it my reading year? Two birds with one stone: reading my stack of books AND focus on my art/writing. Those go hand in hand, ya?? Decisions.