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What living with autism and anxiety is like

To begin with. Imagine you are just so terribly afraid of EVERYTHING and with everything I mean EVERYTHING. You are afraid to do things wrong - but you do. Constantly. And it’s out of your control. You don’t want to lose someone -but you do. You don’t want to stumble - but you do. And the only thing that gives me safety is routine and rituals. Even if they sound dumb to you. I need them to stay alive. Because I fight to stay alive. EVERY SINGLE DAY. Even if you don’t see it. Even if I laugh and say I’m happy. That happiness won’t stay long. Please don’t think too bad of me. I can’t control it. It can be simple rituals : like saying bye in a chat, although I sit right next to you. It’s not that I want to control you. But I need to have some safety and control over my life. And I only got very limited things that can give that to me. You might think it’s dumb.. Probably it is. As I said : I need it to actually stay alive. It’s like you need to run away from a living nightmare, although you can’t. How can one run away from him/herself anyway? And if I tell you that I need that. It doesn’t mean that I don’t trust you or anything. It means that I trust you enough to tell you that I need that, else I’m so afraid that living gets difficult. More than it already is for me. EVERY DAY. Also when I ask with who else you are writing. It doesn’t mean that I don’t trust or want to control you. I just need safety in my life. I can imagine how much it must suck to reassure me every day that nothing is going on. But can you imagine to live with so much anxiety that you have NO control over yourself anymore? That it always feels like your life could shatter any moment? But what happens if you don’t do the things that give me safety? My tiny world of safety falls apart. Entirely. And the only thing that saves me is madness. Anger. Harsh and mean words. Else I would drown in anxiety. And I’m sorry... I can’t control it. And you can only help by those rituals. Even if they sound so very stupid to you. Inside I always feel like an old house that struggles to not fall apart. No matter the weather. But not accepting and following my rituals : I feel like a wrecking ball is destroying me (that old house). And that ends up with me not trusing anymore. I won’t tell you anymore what scares me. I won’t ask things anymore. Which I’d actually need to keep on fighting for my life. I know that it seems unfair to you. I know that it actually is unfair. But please understand : I’m trying my best to stay alive. I know that there are people out there who love me. But remembering this when anxiety is controlling me like I’m a puppet and anxiety is the puppet master is hard. You didn’t cause the anxiety. My parents didn’t cause it either... nor did I. I probably was born with it. I know that I need help. But getting help is also so damn hard. Anxiety causes me to worry so much how my future is going to be. And if I will get help at all. That I feel paralyzed. I really don’t want to live like this anymore. But what else can I do than fighting for my life? I don’t want to give up. I can’t because I know that people out there still love me. Please don’t think too bad of me. All my anger outburst, my seemingly controlling behaviour, my jealousy... all that kinda helps me... to have little control over it... Just please don’t hate me... Please don’t give up on me.. Inside of me is a little girl that just wants to be loved and happy. A girl who wants to love with all her heart. But she got a fight to win. And it might take a while. Years even. But she always stands up again. And goes on fighting. Even if the world around her seems dark and cold (thanks to anxiety) Thank you for reading...

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It’s so weird how people think happy stimming is “abnormal”.

How the fuck else are you supposed to express such immense joy without flapping and jumping?

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Fits so well

sometimes, people don’t understand that we are hated for being autistic. “But I don’t hate autistic people!”.

That’s right! Because you don’t know how autistic people are.

You know, people never bullied me for being autistic. Because neither me nor they had the terminology. Nah, they punished me for being weird. And what made me weird to their eyes? I spoke weird and often stumbled, and I spoke like a grownup anyway, and I wouldn’t shut up about Ancient Greece. I moved weird too, because I was (am) really clumsy, and I didn’t have any friends. I was boring and didn’t catch jokes (made at my expense) and I didn’t look them in the eye, and so on and on.

If you asked any of the people who bullied me for years whether they hate autistic people, they’d say “no!”. Because they don’t hate autistic people, but oh boy do they hate weird people. Perhaps they don’t hate autistic people, but surely they hated me for being obviously autistic.

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STIGMA

This is a hot take on this, but Imma say it anyway. 

Stigma isn’t always intentional cruelty or malicious words. Sometimes it’s:

Being treated like a helpless child all the time

Hearing The Caring Neurotypical Voice™ when people talk to you

“Oh you can do that?” in regards to being able to do normal things everyone else can do. 

Not being given the freedom to do what you want out of concern

“(Name) is… different”

Everyone acts so scared to name the disorder like it’s a summon for the devil

Say it. Say autistic. Say schizophrenic. Say bipolar. Say the disorder we have. Say it.

Struggling to keep your head above the water but keeping it in because you’d rather face the suffering alone than have everyone walk on eggshells around you

“I have X disorder, I can’t do this activity right now” “Oh but honey, you shouldn’t put yourself in a box. just think you’re not and it might help you recover. give it a try.”

“I am not broken, let me do it” “Honey, I know it’s sometimes hard to accept but you have X disorder and shouldn’t push yourself. sit this one out.”

Not being given the chance to prove that you can take care of yourself or do things the others can

“Oh have you met that boy/girl from (grade/ place)? He’s also [X Disorder].”

it might “not be good for someone like you”

Having someone tell your story for you. Not being given a voice or having it shushed by people who are neurotypical. 

People looking at you like you’re shattered glass, their eyes filled with pity and sympathy as if you’re a living tragedy, as if you are this thing that they wish they could fix.

They do not ask you if you want to be fixed. They do not consider that this is your life, and although occasionally troubled, this is yours and it’s the only life you’ve had. 

They cannot fathom you ever being happy with your life, but you are. Perhaps not always, but you’ve learned to be content with your life.

Sometimes they push you. But sometimes they also hold you back.

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Nice Autistic Childhood Feels:

watching your favorite movie or show over and over, going to the video rental place and picking out the same movie each time (if you’re old like me)

spinning around a pole, spinning around on a swing, spinning in general, swings in general

the toy or stuffed animal that had to go everywhere with you

sticking your hand out the window in the car and feeling the force of the air in your palm

incorporating your special interests into school assignments and activities whenever you could

creating elaborate fantasy universes and imaginary friends in your mind to daydream about for hours

staring at the screensaver or the weird music player animations on the computer

please feel free to add more, I know these aren’t universal but I love to reminisce about the nice parts of my childhood!

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So damn accurate

*doesn't make eye contact* "You Have To! It's Polite! Not making eye contact makes you an untrustworthy and shifty person!" *makes eye contact* "oh my god stop staring??? Why are you so creepy????"

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Should Neurotypicals play an autistic Person on a movie?

I’ve recently watched the movie “Please stand by” with Dakota Fanning who plays the protagonist called Wendy. Wendy is autistic and wants to participate on a Star Trek writing competition. (in short) I really think that the movie was great and Dakota did a good job on displaying Wendy. So I was eager to find out what others thought. I’ve read through a lot of positive reviews and comments but also negative ones. Many of them came from autistics. Some of them were saying “A neurotypical shouldn’t play someone on the autism spectrum. That is ableist” etc etc. Let me tell you why I think otherwise. The autism spectrum is really really huge. And most of us (yes, I’m autistic too) really struggle with social skills. Or “pretending to be” and that is what actors do. Some people on the spectrum might be able to do that. But some don’t. And someone who is severely autistic like Wendy wouldn’t be able to do that. Most likely not. Imagine the noises, strangers, cameras everywhere etc. And then that “pretend to be” game. If the thought of that makes you uncomfortable then imagine how it would be for someone who has the same struggles or even worse. It’s not a bad thing that neurotypicals play someone on the spectrum. It can give them a better understanding of autism and how to treat us. Also at believing in what we can do. Maybe if more movies like that will be made people will stop to focus on our negative sides, don’t you think? And if we say that neurotypicals shouldn’t play someone who is autistic... doesn’t make it us as worse as them? And consider this : then someone who didn’t went through WW II shouldn’t play someone who did. Someone who never murdered shouldn’t play a murderer The list could go on and on.