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Biden Now Just Delivering Continuous, Up-To-The-Minute Speech Mourning Shooting Victims
WASHINGTON—With eyes bloodshot and suit disheveled as he entered his 16th hour at the podium, President Joe Biden is now just delivering a continuous, up-to-the-minute speech mourning victims of mass shootings across the United States, sources reported Friday. “At this hour, we gather to mourn the carnage in—actually,…
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Queen Elizabeth Gets Horse As Jubilee Gift From France’s Macron
French President Emmanuel Macron gave Queen Elizabeth a horse belonging to the French Republican Guard to mark her jubilee, describing the monarch as the “golden thread” that bound France and Britain during her 70-year reign. What do you think?
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Scientists Discover Humans, Chimps Shared Common Friend
COLLEGE STATION, TX—In a new discovery that could have stunning implications for the field of primatology, scientists from Texas A&M University published a study Friday identifying the common friend once shared by humans and chimps. “Approximately 8 million years ago, humans and chimpanzees shared a pal named Robby,…
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School Practices Drill For When There’s Not An Active Shooter
LARGO, OH—In an effort to keep students and faculty ready should the situation ever arise, a local middle school was reportedly practicing the drill Thursday for what to do when there’s not an active shooter. “Attention teachers and students: For the next 10 minutes, we will proceed as if there is not a school…
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Texas Passes Mandatory 24-Hour Waiting Period Before Police Can Engage Active Shooters
AUSTIN, TX—In an effort to address rising gun violence in the state, Texas legislators passed a new law Friday mandating that police wait 24 hours before engaging with active shooters. “Deciding whether or not to respond to an active shooting is an extremely serious decision for any police officer to make, and we want…
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Locust-Swarmed Queen Elizabeth Announces 1,000-Year Reign Of Chaos During Brimstone Jubilee
LONDON—Locusts swarming behind Buckingham Palace to blot out the sun as an infernal fanfare heralded her appearance, Queen Elizabeth II reportedly celebrated her Brimstone Jubilee this week with an announcement that one thousand years of chaos would reign upon the blighted earth. “Pestilence shall prevail upon these…
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Scientists Discover Biggest Plant On Earth
Genetic testing has revealed that an underwater field of seagrass off the coast of Australia is a single organism covering 70 square miles, making the plant, which grows by repeatedly cloning itself, the largest on Earth. What do you think?
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Problematic Disney Attractions That Had To Be Redesigned
Don’t kill us, Disney adults. Some of this shit was pretty fucking bad. Here are the most problematic Disney attractions that had to be redesigned.
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The Onion’s Test Sweatshop Helps You Find The Perfect Car
Deciding which products will fulfill your basic needs or fill that gaping hole in your heart can be stressful. The Onion’s Test Sweatshop is here to help. Every product we recommend has been tested for over 50,000 hours by our army of indentured product testers. The Onion doesn’t make any money off these…
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Enlightened Judge Sentences Murderer To Ego Death By Means Of Ayahuasca
AUSTIN, TX—Addressing the defendant in a searing indictment of his attachment to the material world, enlightened Judge Harry Nagel reportedly sentenced murderer Bill Kalinowski to ego death Friday by means of ayahuasca ceremony. “Due to his heinous crimes, Mr. Kalinowski will be forced to undergo a state-mandated…
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FIFA Increases Revenue By Requiring Brand Tattoos For All Players
ZURICH—In an effort to add another global revenue stream, FIFA officials announced Friday that the association would begin requiring brand logo tattoos for all players. “Beginning with the 2022 World Cup qualifying matches, it will now be mandatory for all players to have at least one logo representing one of our…
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Babe Ruth Comparisons Grow After Hammered Shohei Ohtani Eats 53 Hot Dogs
ANAHEIM, CA—With baseball experts and fans alike agreeing that a player of his abilities hadn’t been seen in the major leagues for a century, comparisons of Shohei Ohtani to the legendary Babe Ruth reportedly continued to grow Thursday after the hammered Los Angeles Angel ate 53 hot dogs. “Simply put, Ohtani is the…
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‘You Think You Can Do My Job, Be My Guest,’ Says Cop Berating Traffic Cone
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Las Vegas Chapels Told By Licensing Company To Stop Elvis-Themed Weddings
The licensing company that controls the use of Elvis Presley’s name and image has ordered Las Vegas chapel operators to stop using Elvis in themed ceremonies. What do you think?
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‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens
TULSA—In the days following a violent rampage in Oklahoma in which a lone attacker killed four individuals, including himself, and seriously injured several others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Tuesday that there was no way to prevent the…
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