We're gonna make it.
We're gonna make it.
But this moment is gonna take forever.
So let's take forever.
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miss baby blue
there's a world out there for you
i know i never was ready
& maybe neither were you
but you starbursted this boy's heart
& that has been more than enough
i know magic & love still exist
it's in the tongues , the eyes
the stupid , beautiful things we say & do
& how i'd never make this into
something it isn't
but for little moments i loved you
the way the ocean loves its pearls
crawling out to the beach
to leave them gifted in sand
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i've seen this sunset a million times
but i don't think this neighborhood street
ever looked so quiet .
this orange light's my green one ,
steel lollipop glowing across the yard .
feels like the heart of childhood -
& there's one star in the sky that's soon
to slumber , & i just stand here
from the kitchen window ,
trying to reconcile the pull of memory
& the pull of escape
into somewhere where nothing knows
my name , except the head on this body .
the dusk falls so quickly ,
& when there is no one around
all i think of is you , & the ticking bomb
in my fingers , & wondering if
seeing you again would set it off
or if i'd rather swallow it than
hear your voice again .
i know the question , but i'm afraid of
the answer ,
so forgive me if all this dusk does
is fill me with longing i'd rather let be
than to drop it in anticipation
of the shatter .
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we gotta get the hell out of this hometown
trade away our old clothes , hope they find
some new skin to cling to , tow away the
wreckage that night we spun through
the rain , headlights whirling , & the way
i laughed like god was running through
my veins . fuck these woods , these bricks ,
the field of grass that i'd always drive
past to get to your house .
i didn't eat tonight . the lights were too
bright in the pizzeria , & dad played
songs of the past , & the moment the
house went quiet i cried into my hands ,
because nothing was ever going to be
the same again , & i didn't want to
come home anymore .
i just hear the echoes of being a thousand
miles away trying to let you go ,
& the letters never replied to , & how
springtime just holds the corrupted
memory of you , & how i desperately
need to write over it something new .
something that proves i can still love ,
& still be loved , & not just push the edges
of this cratered heart further & further .
God , i trust You , & my chest heaves
in surrender , though my fists still are
learning how to unclench , my teeth
grit tight to what i know no longer exists .
i'm loyal to the end , & i've accepted
that i'll always be the one to be left ,
but promise me this , that there is still
love for me out there . i know there is ,
& that is why i will still fall asleep tonight ,
to meet the sun in the morning
& try to take it into my bones , my breath
like this is the only way i can keep going .
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look for the orange light ,
& you'll know that i'll be there .
from the streetlamp outside my
bedroom window , to the salt rock
glowing inside , to the lights
when the band played my favorite
song , & i only knew how to cry -
springtime feels awfully like
the skin of something between a
dream , and a fairytale ;
a memory , & the tip of my tongue
barely tasting , time .
i've ridden in a million cars ,
seen the sun set from the kitchen
a million times more ,
& i'd never ask to freeze that moment ,
like an ice cube snapshot that'd
never melt , but
if it just lingered a little longer than
it was meant to ,
i wouldn't mind .
just an extra half second longer
for what was only meant to be a second -
give me that
it's enough .
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breathe . it's like indigo star dust
i'm like the orange streetlamp out there
in the dark night , & being home just feels
like being a child again .
it feels like those days i loved you so hard
& you loved me back , & those days
i slept on the living room couch
nursing the heart you inevitably broke .
sometimes pain feels good
it feels like you're living for something
it feels like you're here , & alive ,
& something actually tried to touch you
in the heart , stuck its dumb fingers in
& we just cradle it in our mouths
like we can't tell the difference
between intimacy & nourishment .
i had you all in my mouth , & now i spit
you out , but it doesn't matter
because it was over & i'm just here
feeling what lingers so deep in the
bedroom carpet when i dig up the dust ,
but only because night has fallen ,
& day had eaten my heart out ,
& it all feels the same & different ,
& my body knows only to drip this out
onto the page , slowly , bittersweetly ,
acid burning holes between the letters .
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in the black rain ,
the trucks rush on past
their engines moaning like ghosts
down these streets .
time is falling , one second
at a time , pills dropping down
god's throat , & you think
memories are held
in the stomach , where
nourishment finds home .
& you swallow down
a piece of space , crank a star
up like salt , find that
familiar voice , to hold you steady
when everything is
fizzling away , like rainwater
in the dark sun .
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kiss , on that foreign head
what could be but where's the time
worlds scraping right on past
when i'm walking away , are you looking ?
we shared one night , just a word or two
but we don't speak , only smile
the door's closing & i'm gone
is it just dust now , blowing through ?
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& now i'm here with my head down
speaker on the top shelf
praying to grit guitar being played
like my spine & skull
shaking
looking for god behind the tears
& the silent yelling
& the loving rage
the breaking out & breaking down
when my skin chips & cracks
like marble
& sunlight leaks out
tell me if you see an angel
coming down
or going up
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💐
Thanks for the flowers <33
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white-shirted, tatted boy
you can find him in the kitchen
trying to make conversation over little spinach
lugging out the scraps of onion skins , banana
peels , garlic shells , & dying flowers
to the compost bin across the dark yards
he holds a heart too heavy in the chest
it bulges , like a half-sliced orange
between a fist , sopping all sweet & wet
he knows love too well , but it can't
escape his lips
it just sounds like the light coming on ,
a touch against a sleeping body ,
the pitter-pattering just outside the door ,
a love letter written with only a name
& scrawled heart
right now , all time is colliding
memory & experience & destiny
& he sits in bed against the february
seeping through the windowpanes
he's just trying to find his breath
amidst the headlights , red , gold , &
white shooting-starring down the
same old highway
he's a star , a sun , flaring ever so quietly
warming his voice so he can sing
love songs when the urge of love
flushes against his neck ,
& there's nothing left in holding back
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sunlight cuts through
& the sun god knows it's all for you
the way you carved his name
into your chest , & took it as your own
he knows when the blue skies call
all you want to do is be home
to remember springtime & how
beautiful it all was
he knows home is a million miles away
but the unripe flower petals
stand stagnant & unseen in the wind
that only exists when you're walking
along the sun path
take each step slow , let each breath
hold you
hold you before the dunes of separation
rolled over & out
when you still held love's hands
tender against your cheek
i know it's hard
but don't turn away
it still wants to know your name
not the one you carved though it is true
but the one you keep hearing someone
call , just behind you
your name , your name
let it find you
& you'll know god is more than just a prayer
it's an answer
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somehow you gotta let it touch you
deep within .
let it reach down &
grab hold of something
something that's trying to jump out
your throat
something you can't quite name -
just the broken trail of ants
sputtering across the floor
looking for home .
i think what we're all hoping for
is an unlonely life .
they say when you're young
the difference between no one caring
& one person caring
is the difference between venus
& earth
& everything else , well
it's all icing on the cake -
it's hunger or warmth
of an open kitchen
golden , like the sun is coming home
to toss off his work coat
& to touch your face like it's floured dough
& he hasn't eaten all day .
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in some other world , a pale pink
moon is bathing the night in its soft light
what do they say about growing up ?
they don't warn you about how your
brother's shaved peach fuzz
mosses the bedroom floor ,
the miles of wet road between home
& somewhere else -
how once more you love him more
than ever , & once more you're jealous
over everything new he's gotten
when it's not even what you wanted
for yourself
when i look out into the night
it's dark blue velvet
it's the lonely white streetlamp
in the distant parking lot
it's holding youth in my palms &
watching it soap up , turn bitter then
sugar
sugar
it all looks so sweet looking back
it all feels so innocent , & wasn't it ?
& now we're growing up ,
& i realize that in the end , if i have no
one else ,
i'll have a brother
i'll have a brother
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spend a week in bed
you'd think it'd feel better to be dead
not in a self-destructive way
but in a deep yearning to live
to feel the sun merging into me
exchanging golden godliness
to see your face across from mine
in real space , real time
though my head is pounding ,
my eyes are stinging ,
i hold on to that distant knowing
that soon it will be over
the planet'll flip over on its side
i'll be halfway to headlong
falling , diving , letting my wings spread
touching life in its rawness
chewing it up , slicing it to the bone
silver-plattered straight to the tongue
beckoning to the hungry & heartful
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in a cloud of steam , strawberry smoke
plumed like a peacock crown
& graced my head , kingly .
the robes wear heavy , but i take each step
one at a time .
when i close my eyes & turn on that
old familiar song , i see all the life & lovers
i used to love .
but the roads are turning gold ,
pebbled like a midas smile
& i feel how beautiful things could be .
what was was golden , but what will be
is not something you can just hold
in your palm , & know its worth -
it's something you need to taste ,
a tongue's blindness transcended ,
the first vibration of joy
biting fang deep into your bones
rippling , rippling
the unending reverberation
through the universe
that this is good .
where we are , & where we're going -
it's good .
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golden honeyed sunlight
gets [you] home safe
god [knows] how sweet [the taste]
gumming [up] heaven [between the] sheets
goading hell [to] stay
grisly heretic somewhere [far]
go [now] here [is where] sanctuary [makes its]
glowing home so [precious]
golden [my love]
honeyed [this moment]
sunlight [shone only on us]
giving
holding
sharing
[like tomorrow is forever away]
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