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Just a bit of peace.

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Finally had an everything shower and I feel fucking great

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My surgery went well and today I'm finally feeling okay and more like myself now that the pain pills are out my system.

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I hate that I had to have nightmares about doctors the entire night before my surgery 😫

I really don't want to go, but I know that I have to and I'm literally overflowing with anxiety.

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Me and the kids got the house really clean today and Chris is bringing our grocery order home soon so I guess I'm starting to feel a little more prepared for my surgery on Monday. My anxiety has been bad but I've just tried to stay busy.

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The anxiety about my surgery is really starting to set in. Tomorrow I'm going to clean my house and restock all the groceries and house stuff. I get dizzy thinking about what's going to happen knowing damn well I don't have much of a choice in the matter.

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I'm getting my gallbladder removed on Monday and I'm so ready to feel better and put all this behind me. I'm tired of being in pain or taking pain meds and feeling weird. I'm also going to run out of those before Monday, and that's kinda scary. I'm full of anxiety but hopefully it'll all go good and recovery will be easy.

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I've a surgery consult on Tuesday for removing my gallbladder and I really don't think I'm going to make it until then plus whenever they schedule the surgery. The pain and nausea meds are barely working and I feel nasty and weird on pain pills so I really just hope I can make it through. After almost dying during my last surgery I'm a nervous wreck and I'm scared of out my mind but I'm more scared to live in this much pain. I would go tonight for the surgery if they let me I'm feeling so shitty. I'm supposed to go on Monday for a consult about oral surgery as well but at this point I'm thinking I need to reschedule because I'm going to be too sick to drive for an hour at 8 am. I'm overwhelmed and I don't know what I should do. I don't know how to prepare at home to make things easier. I don't know all I know is I'm like barely hanging on at this point.

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I just spent at least 12 hours in my bed, either sleeping or trying to. I've been sick as fuck since the beginning of September and I woke up violently ill again throwing up and in so much pain I couldn't think but it's starting to wear off. Also the last tooth I need pulled ( it's in my sinus so I have to see an oral surgeon and it's a whole fucking thing..) has been hurting REALLY bad. I can't wait to make more calls tomorrow to get that fixed. But for the moment, I feel okay, and I just hope I can have a good day with my family today. We still have the Christmas tree up, and I would love to put that away today. Also, I really want to focus on eating good today. Being sick has made eating so hard, and I think that's why I've been so tired and unmotivated this week. I bet some sunshine would really help my energy, too. I can't wait for the spring even though I'm really trying to slow down and enjoy the beauty and stillness of the winter. I'm trying to rest like a hibernating bear, but there's always so much to do between the kids, the dogs, homeschool, keeping up with the house, and my needs. I've been thinking a lot about my health and feeling fed up with doctors and medicine that doesn't help and trying to tune into my own body and what it needs so I can make myself feel better. I started 2 herbal supplements and taking a spoon of raw honey twice a day and I'm really hopeful soon I'll start healing. I haven't been eating enough and when I do it's normally not exactly healthy. I've been reducing the processed food I eat the past few weeks but it's still been hard to find healthy stuff I want or have time and energy to cook. I would love to start cooking more especially with my kids. I also think eating more meat would help me feel better. I tried steak for the first time a few weeks ago. It was weird but I'm going to try it again because I really want to like it. I'm currently eating chicken once or less a week and the protein drinks I like are full of sugar so it would be good to not need those. I've got a kombucha scoby coming in the mail so we can all get some probiotics, too, and I'm excited to have a new kitchen project.

Anyways even though I'm still really sick I'm mentally doing pretty good, and I've been off all my mental health meds for 4 months now :) other than trazadone because I've never been able to sleep right.

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I had another emergency room visit and I'm hoping things start to get better now. Still no answers about my stomach and it's been over 4 months so far.. I ordered some supplements to help speed along the healing process and I'm feeling really hopeful about getting some relief.

It's going to fucking dump snow on us tonight and tomorrow and my inner child is so excited. I'm going to make chicken and rice soup in the slow cooker and some homemade coffee creamer today so we can have something warm after playing in the snow.

Yesterday was the first day I felt semi decent in a good while so I'm hoping today is good pain wise too. I might not feel great but at least I'm in a good mood :)

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I just came here to say I had an absolutely perfect day yesterday. It was Chris and my 14 year anniversary and it felt like a big milestone. We all went to my moms to celebrate Christmas and the kids stayed over so Chris and I could go out for our anniversary. We all got some really nice gifts from my mom and it made my heart so happy for my dogs to be included. I got to eat twice yesterday and didn't throw up or have any serious pain. I even had a frozen alcoholic drink which made me feel good but not sick and I don't ever really drink anymore so I was feeling it. Our football team won a tough game. Some pants I ordered for Christmas are going to get here on time when I thought they would be late and I'm really excited about that. My dogs were super well behaved from all the stimulation at my mom's house. Chris and I got to be intimate for the first time in a while and that was really good, I slept like a baby after.

It was a really good day

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I'm getting really excited about the holidays. Tomorrow, Chris and I have been together 14 years, then a few days after Christmas, Ellie turns 13. I still need to buy some stuff for Ellies birthday and wrap a few last Christmas gifts. Yesterday I spent the whole day cleaning around the house. It felt really good to wake up to a super clean house:) I'm certain it won't stay like this and I'll probably have to do more cleaning on Christmas eve but it'll be a lot easier at least.

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I'm getting some nice clothes from etsy for Christmas and I really hope I ordered the right sizes.. I never feel like my body looks the same (this is probably 100% in my head) and I'm starting to get stressed that maybe I felt a little toooo confident when I picked that stuff out 😅

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I took off the heart monitor today and finally got a bath that made me feel clean. I always try to clean the house on Friday so I can have a chill weekend. The stomach ulcer pain is making things hard today but hopefully that passes. I just want to feel good. My weight is down to 104 which is still okay for my height but soon it might be concerning if I continue losing weight so quickly. I miss being able to eat 😕

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Super cranky I can't take a bath for the next 3 days while I wear this heart monitor and that's all my body needs. The bath always helps my pain levels.

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I went to physical therapy this morning and got sent home because my heart rate was 170 bpm and all I did was walk in the door. I've got a Dr appointment with my pcp Monday but for real I'm so tired of feeling shitty I'm going to actually lose my mind if they try to tell me I'm fine or "it's just anxiety " because it's absolutely not anxiety my body is just stupid and doesn't work right. So I'm at home chugging an electrolyte drink and I finally ordered some compression socks to help with the dizziness. Oh wise google said they might help. Of course my heart rate seems totally fine and normal right now but I'm really tired of dealing with all my assorted health problems lately.