gloieee

[gloieee]

On Lightness

I started a post and a playlist, its inception during my East Coast tour that was surely a turning point in my recent days, but want to scrap it entirely. I feel so untied down, unbound at the moment, and want to explore it, capture it. I can’t remember if I’ve written about this prior, but the central question of the book that I live my life by (and/or has helped me feel more seen than ever), Milan Kundera’s The Unbearable Lightness of Being, is on lightness vs heaviness:

The heaviest of burdens crushes us, we sink beneath it, it pins us to the ground. But in love poetry of every age, the woman longs to be weighed down by the man's body. The heaviest of burdens is therefore simultaneously an image of life's most intense fulfillment. The heavier the burden, the closer our lives come to the earth, the more real and truthful they become. 

 Conversely, the absolute absence of burden causes man to be lighter than air, to soar into heights, take leave of the earth and his earthly being, and become only half real, his movements as free as they are insignificant.

 What then shall we choose? Weight or lightness?

When asked why this is my favorite book, I always reiterate some version of this question. I resonate with it deeply-- weight and lightness coexisting. I think that is the essence of life, and hence, all things good. You can’t just want or expect one over the other, and I have always believed that in all real experiences, there is heaviness, a gravity to the light; and a certain lightness, a (at least wry) smile or a reason for laughter, even within the heaviest of burdens.

That said, I’ve always veered towards weight.

Perhaps because so much of modern, millennial life is geared towards avoiding “heaviness.” It cramps your style. Seriousness is boring; vulnerability in the wrong situation (and most are) is embarrassing; it’s not socially tactful to bare your all and be too honest. Light and casual has been established as “fun,” as “going with the flow.” I’ve perhaps felt the need to overcompensate by being extra open to heaviness, to tip the scale set by society. But whatever the reason, I’ve always been drawn towards bringing weight back into our lives. In my career choices, I’ve been drawn to what’s “heavy”—the most serious illnesses, the “hopeless” cases, hospitals that serve populations who grapple with many struggles, and in turn, bear a more rigorous workload. I want to be moved. I want to be entangled in something real, to my emotional detriment at times. But high highs, low lows, that’s always been me. (And when I find meaning or get through to someone in this population, in these hospitals—the high is like a gush of cool sweet breeze after days of a sweltering heatwave).

But I feel the value of this lightness that Kundera speaks of more so than I ever have before. It feels less superficial and trivial than previous times I’ve striven towards lightness (what distinct phases these were)—in my career trajectory, friendships, and love life. If those were more a yelp of a “wooooot” or a idgaf against a background of forgettable hype hip hop (think Drake- The Motto), or a disinterested, numb aloofness to my days, this one feels different. What’s also unique is that I wasn’t actively striving towards lightness recently—it’s almost as if I have simply looked down and found myself buoyant. And it’s pleasant.

I went on a trip to Catalina Island, off the coast of LA, for 3 days this week, a time that very oddly feels like it marks a different chapter in my life despite its brevity. I came back (darkened and baked into the second worst tan of my life) and could hardly remember what life was like before this trip. Despite all the LIFE that transpired this year, and most saliently right before I left, some crazy heavy realness that I encountered. Maybe it was the scorching sun, like what drove the main character in Albert Camus’s The Stranger to commit an insensible murder. There is something disorienting about that level of heat, alongside the delirious beauty and semi-seclusion of Catalina Island, which almost felt like a foreign country with a separate set of rules. It felt like a fever dream. Or maybe because it coincided directly with the start of the second half of the year (even last year, I think my life was divided roughly into the first and second half of 2021, which were SO vastly different, perhaps more so than any other year in my life). But it’s odd because it doesn’t quite feel like a new chapter; it feels more like a blank slate. I came back with a slate clean of the past and more oddly, of the future.

It feels like a good thing (although it hasn’t quite sunk in yet) that things feel so cleared out because things were perhaps getting a bit stale, without me realizing. Like a Costco croissant that looks fine and tastes fine but may have the tiniest spores of mold on it on our kitchen counter. What I realized in October, when I had my life-shattering (in a good way) trip to New York, was how much I loved being truly open—to new experiences, emotions, connections, chance, and ultimately serendipity. That was the biggest takeaway from the beautiful clarity on that fated day amidst the mist and drizzle of Jersey City. That’s what led me to choose psychiatry, because I knew everything would be open for me in this field. I am curious about so many different paths within it that I can probe and let a series of currents take me places, knowing that I’ll love the ride. But maybe my life had some catching up to do before I could fully and completely embrace this in ways beyond just my longterm career.

I feel so open to the serendipity of the world. In almost every aspect. School-wise, I had poured over my decision to do an away since last winter, talking to countless people about the situation, considering and weighing so many institutions and preferencing the perfect timeline. I had perhaps foolishly, but also not unfoundedly, convinced myself I would end up in NYC at least for a month with high hopes of exploring what it would be to actually work, live, and exist in entirety there. This scenario is looking more and more improbable. I may end up in a different nearby city, or honestly not end up anywhere. In terms of my rotations, I also meticulously planned out a schedule, talking to countless people, perhaps more so than my classmates. And then last minute, through a series of unforeseen events, will be starting on a completely different service that wasn’t even a known option to me, that will be “very high risk, high reward.” But I live and die on this stuff, so this makes my heart pump with nervousness and excitement—I just love a good challenge. (I chuckle thinking about what my friends have said about me, how I manage to make the impossible hard. But it’s not without reason, I believe it). The rotation following that, which I also went out of my way to create myself and to a certain degree needed, will also be completely different due to (very understandable) but completely unforeseen circumstances. My past rotation at my favorite hospital also went completely differently—me working several different services, leaving experiences and people that have imprinted deeply in my mind and heart, now etched into my soul. It’s funny how my best laid plans have all bit the dust. And oddly, I feel an odd sense of boundlessness, an excitement and budding curiosity for how things will play out. I truly have no idea how or where I’ll be in a few weeks time and instead of it feeling destabilizing, it feels liberating.

A dear friend told me, as I waited for a light vanilla iced latte in an odd urban jungle of a café in Koreatown, that she senses a genuine openness to serendipity in my voice, when most people would be freaking out over the level of uncertainty in this pivotal juncture in my “career.” At how my plans are falling apart to a degree. I was caught off guard, because it wasn’t like I was trying to will myself into positivity. I simply looked down and found myself buoyant.

Of course, all this was not without its moments of agony. Initially, I felt confused that I may not end up in NYC, which had encapsulated my dreams and plans for nearly the past year. But after a few moments, I swiftly chose action, and my mind seems to have followed suit.

Another uncertainty ahead in my near future-- my main person in LA, who has kept me sane in the sea of loneliness that LA can be and at times, has been for me, departed yesterday for 6 weeks to my old “home,” Boston, where I had just revisited. Furthermore, almost all of my roommates, my little fam bam here, are also (soon) gone for the next few months. Although I will miss my person dearly, I feel, yet again, excited for the question mark that will be my days. A slow but sure therapy appointment recently helped me re-realize that I need to view “loneliness” differently, and I’ve been slowly but surely tackling that. I’m excited to just be, to not have a safety net to fall back on, a known what if that can be a crutch to finding new ways to fill my emotional tank. I’m excited to do a little trial run of what my “fear” (strong quotation marks) has been—residency in a city I love but feel inexplicably lonely in. Instead of anxiety, I feel a sense of curiosity, for both myself and my main person, who has voiced similar concerns and complex emotions about location and residency. I imagine her roaming Boston, in all its verdant glory, finally experiencing a different coast, a completely different city, perhaps also turning inwardly, and it fills me with a quiet peace. I feel together with her in my aloneness.

I think I’m able to be this open because I truly feel so completely untethered. There aren’t even imaginary scenarios that my little heart (bless her soul) can grasp onto, even if it wanted to (which it totally doesn’t seem to). My loose ends have all been tied, severed, or after a pregnant pause, been purposefully left in a comfortably crumpled mass on the shelf, like your back up white laces after a good wash. It feels extra satisfying because all of them felt different and involved active decision-making on my end, although to varying degrees. I had a full taste of the spectrum of agency, of gauging how to feel comfortable as is.  

It’s ironic because all of the semi-loose ends got resolved at this time when I truly had relinquished the idea of agency in romance, in a way that doesn’t feel jilted or sardonic or like giving up. Although I may have almost nonexistent agency in certain parts of a relationship, I’m realizing I have all the agency in the level of gray area I’m comfortable with. And hasn’t that been most of the battle, for better or for worse?

Although I have always had my moments of desiring intimacy, and in recent months, have felt more ready for something more, this state of completely being untethered (particularly at this time) is also what I had aspired to for a while. Funny the conflicting things I manage to want simultaneously. I’ve wanted my ruminations about the future (re: where I wanted to end up for the next few years and perhaps a little beyond) to happen without any interference or white noise by nonexistent, but annoyingly pervasive, forces. And it appears the world is letting that happen in even more ways than I had fathomed, including even some existent forces. My friends and mentors have always been the biggest blessings of my life, the depth and richness of our mutual affection and connection what have filled me with ceaseless wonder. I truly feel like the luckiest girl in the world in this regard. I had always thought it was my views on romance and my career that I needed to work through, because my friends are fucking bomb and have caused such little grief in my life. No doubt, they still are fucking bomb and continue to cause little grief, but maybe, I need a slight mental step back from all of that, to truly embrace all of myself. I need to turn inwards, and I have a feeling that will oddly allow me to turn outwards at the same time. Embrace the levity, exist in the buoyancy, allow myself to expand and transcend without the weight of a body on me. I’m slightly amused, but honestly, I’m here for it. I feel freestanding. I feel like me.

I feel a sense of affection that doesn’t have a singular direction, that feels boundless. I’ve always loved the people I love and then been ambivalent at best about the rest. But I feel open, like I’m staying soft but am no longer tender. I recently made a satisfying assertion that felt so true to me and who I am that I surprised myself. Maybe I am finally fully embracing the imagery that gripped me on that misty day in Jersey City:

I’m floating down a large, expansive river, in the style of the 1986 Epic The Mission. I’m so at peace feeling the stream of water on my body, admiring the murky sky, gazing at the animals that peek their heads on my route, sensing the insects flutter on my nose, choosing to take in the sound of silence, water, and life. There aren’t any dams in my stream, except the occasional rocks and wooded obstacles that I’m happy to graze by or stop to disentangle. I’m so serene. Then I am struck by an unknown fear. I start looking around—others have told me that they have so many dams up, so much congestion that prevents them from flowing free. Shouldn’t I also have these? And I start swimming backwards, questioning how open my river is, sometimes putting up false damns and obstacles, only to realize I could’ve kept going, that I shouldn’t be fazed by the discourse of others. I truly love going with the flow, as much as that phrase has been co-opted into a guise for passivity and at times, just a cop out to not face where you’re at. I’m taking back “going with the flow” and owning it as it should be used. (Not that I really begrudge anyone for using the term in its current, misguided form —we’re all at different stages, and I was in a non-dissimilar place before and perhaps will be in the future.) 

For now, all I got is love and time.  

A serendipitous, smooth, and soulful song that I realized fits the moment: By Design by Jacob Banks. I love the lightness, the almost jollyness in his deep voice, which embodies in itself lightness within heaviness, heaviness within lightness:

If this is love I'm back on board Though I've ridden this bus before   Maybe it's more, maybe it's not Oh, I'll know when we meet the wall   All I got is love and time Yeah, I'm just living by design   You know I like to take a chance   Maybe we'll fall, maybe we'll soar Either way I'm getting closer to God   I'll take the loss if it comes with joy Then I could never lose the war

I feel simultaneously like I’m living by my own design, but also not at all. It feels as though I’m living by the design of God or the world or the greater powers that be. Yes, I have intention and a design in mind for my days. But how that plays out is truly always different from what you envisioned, isn’t it? But that’s not a bad thing at all. After all, a loss is less weight on my body and I’m ready to fall or soar. You can’t lose the war if the loss comes with joy, and that’s where I’m at.

7.02.2022

[gloieee]

people i’ve been before (and who I am now)

Realizing I’m never going to actually finish this blog post. But I still think it contains some pearls, so here it is, the raw, unfiltered fragments of my thoughts surrounding my East Coast tour:

I’ve been trying to write a blog post for months and haven’t quite been able to do it. I’ve made so many carefully curated playlists to capture the times but ended up just adding other songs I’m listening to at the time so that I can play them at an instant before I race against my GPS to drive to work. Maybe my posts are getting too grand and sweeping, rather than being little snapshots. Maybe I need to scale back and let these be little impressions, a quick diary of sorts for my days. 

In another sense, I’ve just been too busy living life—both in my work and personal. The past 6 months have been the busiest for me in medical school and filled with more growth than ever on multiple fronts. Life has been dynamic to say the least—when I’m not acting, I’ve been processing; when I’m not processing, been out here living. The latter is all I wanted to do for so much of my life and was the impetus behind many decisions, including giving up on the idea of academia, the humanities, and writing as a career. In many ways, I feel like I’m where I want to be—I’m not blissfully happy, nor does it feel like I have everything I want. In fact, that’s far from the truth--I grapple daily with rogue or repetitive emotions. (This is some food for thought as I spend my days inevitably thinking about the future and next steps in my life, which is about to enter a new phase in a years time.) But this is where I want to be: constantly fine-tuning, recalibrating, feeling good in some ways and trying to work on others. I feel overall content, fulfilled, satisfied, and proud to be myself. I feel comfortable in my skin. Most of the time. Or at least, I always seem to come back to this sense of comfort, even when I fluctuate. 

We can’t have it all, but being totally fine with that, that’s the lesson of adulthood. Happiness within constraints. That’s the story of my life. So maybe that’s why I’ve been enjoying becoming an adult lately--I was primed for this. 

<LA>

Starting shit off with a bang. Leikeli and Bia captures my mood in LA as of late before I left on my 3+ week East Coast Tour. Simple ratchet ass beats, the feeling of a balmy summer day where you’re wearing a killer, overly colorful outfit that many wouldn’t choose for themselves but brings you so much joy and you’re owning it. There’s so much energy and presence to these tracks. LeiKeli def has more sunny, lighthearted undertones whereas Bia feels (and is) about NYC, and sounds more gritty, the base more vibrating as if you’re walking above the subway vents, feeling the trains zip and rattle through the city. It’s funny how even my songs are paired into this dichotomy of LA vs NYC, the question of the decade for me.

Just vibes, really not many thoughts at all (which is what I like) to these tunes.  There isn’t much to the lyrics (nor are they relatable to me) other than the fact that it’s about straight up female confidence. There’s something about the idea of only smoking girl blunts that yells strong woman energy to me, not sure why.

I’ve fallen more for LA than ever in the frenzied work-filled bustle of the past 6 months. Girl Blunt does sum up how I’ve felt recently in LA—I haven’t had too much time for introspection, at least non-career related. All I’ve needed was palm trees, sun, and an easy way to get groceries after exhaustion has set into my bones at work, and I feel too tired to even move my mouth to call someone. And hence, if* I wanted a boy, I’d have wanted them to be pretty and just not keep me stressed (even if he worked at CVS). And always, I am* real feisty.

A WHOLE LOTTA MONEY – BIA

I don't hang with jealous bitches, that's a weak disеase

Don't worry 'bout who I text, just know it ain't my ex

I suppose these lyrics are some of the few that I relate with in this song. I feel surges of confidence more so than ever (at times). But regardless of where I’m at, I could tell that I was truly truly in a good place (for the first time in a while, maybe in forever) in that I felt so happy for people. Not an iota of jealousy or envy, no overthinking where I’m at in comparison to others. There were so many times when I was walking and just felt so damn good about myself and where I’m at – physically, emotionally, mentally, life-wise.

I remember loving the Sara Yang episode on Love Life, one of my all-time favorite shows. I rewatched it recently and felt ironically even more saliently for her, perhaps because I don’t feel like her anymore. I didn’t have to put any protective distance between myself and her. (Although, I wasn’t ever truly her but I’m always harsh on myself.) I feel like the scene that hit the most was the parallel scene where Darby (the main character) in her security, is so happy for her friend who has found love, and Sara, in her utter lack of security, spins out completely, even though both of them clearly love their friend and want happiness for her. Sara just simply isn’t in the place where she can see beyond the utter scarcity in her own life.

(And of course, I do love being done up, these days, exploring my style as self-expression. It brings me so much steady joy within my days.)

<NYC>

And oh my, the NYC leg of the trip, the one that caused me so much anxiety and doubt leading up to it but ended up being just so formative and nurturing.  

The Loop - Toro y Moi

(Oh my, where did the weekend go? Oh man, Monday snuck up so fast) East coast friends, fill me in I know you get the early scoop

This song reminds me of a vintage disco ball that’s not even too tacky (perhaps in the style of Jane Ballroom, which will always be a little time capsule for me), or a little mystic ball--an appropriate start to my NYC adventures and misadventures, which was shrouded with more unknowns than the last time. I remember feeling chills at how appropriate it is as an intro as I heard this bopper of a song in my dear friend’s homey living room, as we breathlessly caught up on our lives over wine appropriately called “Le Babbler,” our hair mildly wet from the thunderstorms, our tummies full of no frills Italian. I truly spent the whole trip getting filled in by my east coast friends and it was an honor and a privilege to see them and what they hold dear. 

Pool- Still Woozy and Remi Wolf

(Woozy) I met my friend at the pool She told me she was fucking up But I wouldn't call her anybody's fool We said goodbye And she touched down on London ground And I went back to trying to live my life

(Remi) I told my friend about last night Risking my relationships and people I just can't resist Suffocate and drown And bad behavior I've been trying to hide She asking me, "Do you wanna skip town?" You know that we both move too fast Why would you even ask me?

Pool is probably the most accurate exchange of friends I’ve seen depicted in a song. I love seeing the different perspectives towards each other and their lives.

There are times when we’re Remi, there are times when we’re Woozy. I know that feeling so saliently-- seeing your friend, catching them up, connecting, and then leaving/ being left and going back to trying to live your life. The operative word being trying.

I don’t feel like I’m fucking up at all these days, which is amazing, because there was definitely a time when I felt like that was almost all I was doing (even though I knew* I wasn’t—truly a classic head vs heart as this song alludes to). But of course, I overstand more than ever on how crazy a night (or two) can go and the frenzy and excitement of catching up a friend with a perpetual sense that there isn’t enough time (and unfortunately, it’s true sometimes). This is always how it is with my East Coast friends.

(Remi) I met my friend at the pool He told me things are going well But not without the need to knock on wood

I guess I’m happier than I’ve ever been in my life. I’m surrounding myself with friends, with people who are real and that I trust. I loved seeing my friends in love on this trip. But unlike how I thought of things at one point, in a more jilted, pressed state, I know there’s always the need to knock on wood, even when things are good. It’s not all black and white, even for me, who tends to be all in or all out. Cautiously hopeful, that’s how I feel about the world these days, and I think it shows that I’m in a more balanced, stable place. It seemed like my friends and their lives were generally going well (of course, not without ups and downs) and that made me feel so happy.

I don't really know where my heads at I just know my heart's not there yet Or maybe I'm just crazy about the thought of thinking I adore you

I do feel like my heart is more aligned with my head than ever before.

Dance Like U- Okay Kaya

I have all of these questions to ask you when I see you Like do you dance like you fuck Or do you dance like you make love?

I’ve been trying to put Okay Kaya in a blogpost since last spring (and have belatedly done so). She has an ethereal, mystical, sensual and whimsical, slightly lethargic and nostalgic vibe to her that mesmerizes me. Out of all the artists I’ve featured, I identify with her the most in some regards. (Gender plays a big part though, since I have a bent for male artists and hence feature them more heavily). 

No matter the plan, “crazy and magical things” somehow happen to me in NYC always, as a dear friend pointed out. (She thinks its a combination of “this openness and relish [I] bring to life- some chemical reaction between that, the chaos and beauty of NYC, and our friendship” and hearing this made my heart swell. I’d like to think that all of this is not entirely by chance, that there is something I’m contributing to the flurry of events in New York that manage to change my perspectives in the longterm.) 

I guess I’ve realized now that NYC is like an affair for me. LA is my main b, so good to me, stable, who fills me with a homey sense of peace. I feel loved and confident and boosted the fuck up in my unique, colorful clothes in LA. But it’s not always quite exciting enough, leaving me with a lingering sense of loneliness, at times making me think “there’s gotta be more to life” (throwback to Stacie Oricco). But when I’m here in LA, in so many moments I love it, and I’m like why would I ever leave? (Namely, leisurely driving without traffic from a solo errand on the weekend, with the hot sun on my arm, feeling the light cool breeze with all the windows down, my moon roof up, the perfect tune playing in the background.) 

Then I go to NYC. And even talking about the city, I feel something pulse inside me. NYC is the one that’s intoxicating and difficult as fuck but lets me experience the true highs and lows of life in all its shades. I emote and connect and vibrate with the city, and there’s this insane chemistry that reels me in. And I’m left wondering, is all this swirling inside me just because this is a brief affair? Is it worth leaving my main b to explore what this is? Who’s to say that if this becomes permanent I wouldn’t realize that LA was actually the safe, stable counterpart, the better longterm partner for me all along that I shouldn’t have put on the line for this fix?

But I always need to choose to see something through, even if I know the answer in theory. I wonder when I’ll stop doing that. Maybe once I’ve done it in all the fronts I care about in life—I’ve done it with romance (too many times) and with my career. Maybe I need to try it with location and home before I’m finally ready to level up into a slightly more stable adult who can preemptively be convinced. (It’s funny cause I’ve never cared about location at all until recently). We shall see how the turns table. 

As I muse, Okay Kaya perhaps captures how I feel towards NYC. Enticed, scintillated, attracted beyond belief. All these questions I’m dying to ask here in my room. The question is: is this a fling or something real? Is it fucking or making love? But even as I debate it, I’ll still try to seduce you in the meantime. 

A repeat, but my favorite song of connection and complex layers of emotion past and present: Things that I Miss by Awfultune. A reckoning. New York always gives me these moments that feel so serendipitous and unforgettable. Always beautifully bittersweet.

Someone on this trip told me that I seem uniquely drawn to art that captures sorrow. Which is such a unique shade of sadness that I identify with but didn’t even know to label until they pointed it out. It explains why I’m so viscerally attached to this song. 

<Charlottesville & Boston>

Memory Lane – Elliott Smith

But everybody's scared of this place They're staying away Your little house on memory lane

Another person told me that we have to face our past because it’s led to who we are now, as we discussed the simpler topic of attending college reunion. I felt that acutely as I went back to Boston, the place that brought me so much sorrow, grief and pain (both physical and emotional). I’m realizing I wasn’t a “good” youthful person back then because life was so heavy. I understand why I was the way I was, and although me today would do it all so differently, I’m so fucking proud of how I managed. I took pain and made it into gold.

Elliott Smith captures it well—appropriate given that he’s a man of my past in so many ways. And also the namesake of this blogpost – “people you’ve been before (that you don’t want around anymore)” is from Between the Bars, one of the most seepingly sad songs ever. And it permeates so much of my time in Boston. I love the balance of boppiness in Memory Lane, despite talking about going back to the past in such ironic and scary terms.

Summer Salt- Driving to Hawaii

Well babe when we're together We've always such nice weather Guess we don't need these places anyway

Lets take off your bikini Jump in something warmer And fall asleep together

Maybe when it's all done We can grow our hair long Life wont be nothing anymore

Another repeat, many years later, but also appropriate. Given that truly, I feel as though I can own my past more so than ever before. I can listen to these songs of my past and not be struck by emotions I can’t handle. I’ve reclaimed all my experiences. I feel like I have a cleaned* slate. The past is ingrained in me and it doesn’t pretend to be completely new, but the slate has been wiped nonetheless. It’s ready for things to begin.

After the first wedding of a friend, our friends discussed what the soundtrack to our first dance would be. I chose this one. I would’ve said this one (among others) years in the past. Back then, I would’ve never imagined being able to say it under this current circumstance. But here I am. And that makes me happy. 

<Everywhere>

Sundays- Amine

But finding one to love is getting harder every second I bench-press my problems like add another weight

Mama called, she said "Don't worry 'bout me baby, get your problems solved" Mama say my health is more important than my album Mama say count your blessings So I did, and now I realize who I am and who I'm not

Perhaps a song that captures that leisurely, enjoyable ennui of LA so well (this is the perfect soundtrack to the above moment driving in my car on the weekend). And also captures how at the same time, LA has given birth to so much wellness, realizations, and inner growth in my life I hadn’t even comprehended that I needed. I truly have felt so grateful here. And this trip, (and these past few years), I have been realizing who I am and who I’m not. It’s humbling and grounding. 

Home- IYAMAH

It don't have to be a physical place Somewhere that you feel safe You can escape when you wanna be alone Home

You can find it wherever you are Got the keys to my own door And I take them where I go I set the tone I set the code for home

But still, I'm searching for Security and honesty The balance of it all and everything

I’ve been thinking about home this trip. Probably because the next year or so will be me trying to decide (to the best of my powers) a home for myself. And if anything, I definitely feel like I have the keys to my own door. I take them where I go. I’ve learned to feel so secure in myself, who I am, what I want (although of course it’s a process.) 

But STILL, I’m searching for something. 

It’s so funny how it took me almost 8 months to recover from the non-things that happened, looking back on my latest time of turbulence. But as I told a friend this trip, I’m so much better at processing heavy things. I’ve always been like that. I think it’s because I can accept it. I accept that it was something uncontrollable or something I tried my best to overcome. It feels real so of course, I can let myself be sad about it – and that acceptance maybe allows me to move on from it faster. I can understand why it happened, how it happened and how it was meaningful. And honestly maybe the larger things pervade into my life rather than linger as a distinct aftermath, so it’s harder to separate out as a phase to process. But the small things, I’m more confounded by. It’s small, so I know I can resolve it with some effort so I perseverate.

But anyway, security and honesty and the balance of it all, is what I’ve always been searching for. I’ve been searching for home all this time. I struggled with Seoul as home, so much that I left, and then struggled so hard initially with LA for medical school. And Boston was a doozy in and of itself. I’m not sure I ever felt that it was home for me. Now, having visited and revisited all of my homes – I want balance. I know that it doesn’t really matter where I’m at. Finally, I have a home in myself. And it feels damn good.

05.31.2022

[gloieee]

beautiful chaos

Select soundtrack, mostly from a magical trip to NYC that truly blew life into me and gave me a newfound sense of purpose. 

11.24.2021

[gloieee]

an ode to imperfect endings

I’m in love with imperfect endings.

I realized it suddenly as I listened to an audio message from one of my most eloquent friends. She was slightly disinhibited--I could hear the breathlessness of a night of carefree youthful dancing, of some nice cocktails that give your head only a mild twang and your breath a warm cinnamon tinge, of a leisurely walk back home from the subway where you feel the night air sweep past your face and cool your slightly damp hair. Or at least this is what I thought I heard, with my ever-creeping nostalgia for autumn on the east coast. She told me of an ending. An ending that wasn’t “ideal” in the traditional course of romantic relationships but seemed so beautiful. I could hear happiness in her voice. A satisfaction. A savoring of a moment; a feeling of life experienced. I felt my heart swell, as if I had heard the story of a long awaited couple getting back together, two people confirming their love for each other, things “working out.” It was odd cause it was an unexpected reaction.  

I’ve never been the biggest fan of happy endings in movies or books. I like good endings, but not necessarily “happy” (especially when in comes to romance). I aww when Sally and Harry get together, crack an only slightly lopsided smile when Lara Jean believes she can do long distance with Peter from NY to CA, I laugh when Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone fall in love that rainy night in Crazy Stupid Love and supposedly stay that way forever. But it often doesn’t pull my heart strings. But it’s not like I like sad endings either (although they are often a bit more complex and evocative, and hence more interesting). My friend’s saga helped me notice, there is a specific type of ending that I love, the one that makes “my heart swell,” and I’ve been pondering what it is.

The closest I can think of is La La Land (and Marriage Story). I loved that ending. It stirred quite the controversy cause most people hated it (vehemently so) but I thought it was one of the most beautiful romantic endings I’d ever seen. Not in some fucked up broken way or a purely aesthetic way, like Blue Valentine. Not because it’s a work of fiction that managed to capture raw reality, achieve the feat of capturing an inexplicable but profound, silent moment like in Like Crazy. I love the ending in La La Land because it’s not an ideal outcome per se, but the characters see eye to eye with each other. And not like “wow this relationship has become royally fucked up and its super fucking toxic now, but I guess this is where things are at” kinda eye to eye. It’s not the traditional romantic happy ending where they’ve made it work against all odds and past traumas. Yet they’re both still satisfied, still a version of happy, even if it may not be the ideal version from a romantic lens. You emphatically get the sense that there aren’t regrets, that it pointedly isn’t sad, there’s just a wistfulness, maybe a could’ve-been. There’s a mutual understanding of what has happened, an acceptance and recognition. The minute shades of emotions may be different, but there is a mutual understanding of what has happened, an acceptance and recognition that is shared. It’s easy to be connected to one other another in good moments, when the outcome is “happy,” when things are going well. It’s so much harder when things aren’t ideal or “happy.” When you can acknowledge that you had something special, even when it doesn’t conclude the way we want it to. In that regard, imperfect endings allow for a special kind of connection. It’s a true testament as to whether you really connected as beings because it happens without any present pleasure or promise for a future. 

I’ve always thought what makes romantic love amazing is the intimacy, that feeling of connectedness. That head in the clouds feeling of gazing into someone’s eyes, totally smitten, is special not because of the crazy chemical rush of a smattering of oxytocin, serotonin, and dopamine, but because you’re seeing each other. It’s that sense of togetherness that makes it beautiful. Otherwise, what would be different between love and hitting a tab of molly or shooting up something and then looking into some rando’s eyes? It just wouldn’t have the same kind of gratification. It might feel the same maybe, but there’s nothing really beautiful about the latter (I think). 

I’ve always lived for that kind of ending. Maybe a part of it is cause true happy endings in relationships are so rare (and contrary to popular opinion, maybe i’m a realist). You only get one of it in our model of marriage or “permanent” partnership as the singular goal of romance. But even then, you don’t really know until it’s really the straight up end—someone is on their death bed, breathing out their last breath of air and you two are still madly in love and then I suppose you know that you guys truly made it. Before then, how is anything an ending? It’s by definition not an ending if you’re living it. It’s like one of my favorite quotes in The Unbearable Lightness of Being: 

“We live everything as it comes, without warning, like an actor going on cold. And what can life be worth if the first rehearsal for life is life itself? That is why life is always like a sketch. No, 'sketch' is not quite the word, because a sketch is an outline of something, the ground work for a picture, whereas the sketch that is our life is a sketch for nothing, an outline with no picture.”  

In real life, where there’s no one yelling cut, no last page of the story, a true romantic happy ending is impossible to know. 

Semantics aside, we’re so primed for a certain type of “happy ending” in romantic relationships. It’s where the couple stays together. That’s success. We’re taught that it’s the only ending that’s good. Break ups suck or they’re only good if things were toxic and the dude was an asshole. But in our lives, we’re in so many romantic things, and naturally there are so many ways for them to end, that the single one that lasts till death can’t be the only good ending. Obviously, the till death one seems great. I love love and that sounds fucking dope.  But as Hobo Johnson said: 

(“And if you find someone who loves you for who you are Keep loving 'em, man 'Cause) that shit happens like, once in a lifetime, y'know? (And who am I to get in the way of someone living their lifetime y'know?”) 

I’m not gonna sit here and accept that all the other romantic endings I’ll have in my life are failures cause it didn’t meet that one ridiculous standard that’ll maybe or maybe not even happen. In the meantime, the best you get are endings that manage to be beautiful. Where you still see each other, eye to eye, even if you did want it to last longer or have a chance of that forever.  

I suppose it makes sense why I like these not-traditionally happy endings because I’m enamored by contradictions and dualities. I love when two incongruences coexist. I live and die on nuances, and what’s more nuanced than a break up where you don’t hate or resent each other, where things didn’t go horribly wrong, where you both agree that what you had was special and you wouldn’t do many things differently but that it’s best if things end? Where you don’t feel wronged or like you wasted your time but that things just aren’t right right now? Or even where someone knows they fucked up but they admit it and acknowledge the other person’s emotions, and they sit together with that for a hot sec, and then are both ready to move on from it. There’s something so special about being seen, about agreeing on something that’s not objectively pretty. To be comfortable in the gray area.

It’s definitely hard to achieve. It takes a lot out of me. So much energy expended. I do doubt myself. And you’re inevitably nervous for it till the moment happens, cause it’s so rare for that kinda connection to happen and play out organically (or with only minor strong arming) But I guess we do a lot for what we think is beautiful.

 A song that captures this feeling. I don’t think there are any that does it as perfectly, if at all, as Things that I miss by Awfultune, which is why it’s one of my lifers. As this wise, young bedroom synth pop artist said about this song: 

“a reminder that when something turns sour, it doesn’t mean it wasn’t sweet once. the people we meet in life teach us a lesson, so never regret knowing a person. as much as it hurt, the good will bring happiness, the bad will teach you, and the best will give you memories.”

You miss the little things, their teeth, their smile, their nose, the smell of their clothes, the random trinkets at their house, their friends and roommates that you weren’t close enough or have any real reason to hit up anymore. You randomly remember “that night,” the kinda perfect carefree evenings where you went somewhere special, but not too special, laughed like crazy over some dumb shit and were stupid happy for like no reason. There’s inevitably those things you had always talked about that you never got to do that pops up in your head—perform a song, go to that concert, get an Airbnb somewhere pretty. And you still feel wistful and it nips your heart just a little bit. And it’s not like you miss it cause you block out the bad parts--you recognize that the guilt might eat you alive someday, the hurt, that you’re left a little closed, that someone saw you at an all time low. But that doesn’t take away from anything. If anything, thats a part of it--dualities like lightness and heaviness coexisting, like in all good, real things. “And you don't have to apologize/ For the hole that you left in me.” Sometimes sadness or pain isn’t anyone’s fault. It’s just part of the story. It’s life and how it plays out. 

I love this song especially because it talks about missing someone, not cause things are bad now or you’re lonely at this moment or cause things were perfect in that relationship or you want to go back to it. I have a lover, I have a best friend, I’m doing well, I have a life and I’ve learned my lessons and I’m growing up and doing big things for me, but I still miss you and I always will.  They’ll always be a good thing that you miss. You’re missing someone cause it was beautiful. A fragment of life lived. Short of someone wanting to be with me until they breathe their last dying breath, I think that’s the highest compliment anyone could ever give me.

So I guess that’s the kinda ending that makes my heart swell. And in that regard, maybe I’m happier with where I am than I thought. Maybe. 

9.26.2021

[gloieee]

maybe I can’t

In April I made a playlist called “lust or love or something in between i guess” which has been on repeat as I drive to and back from the hospital at all odd hours of the day—from charging down Wilshire blvd in pitch darkness at 5:30am to round or driving home faded at 1 pm with the warm sun uncomfortably beating down my sunscreen-free face, to driving back on a murky 8 am on a Saturday after my days and nights were switched on night shift. I’ve played this list with all my windows and my moon roof down—my method of choice for driving—so that I can feel the sun and the breeze and feel alive for a brief second in my hectic days. I thought this would be my next blog post for months I suppose but life got in the way.

Stimulants and depressors. Night and day. Surrounded by people, running to the next thing, planning the next meet up/ visit or alone. Guess that’s just how things are right now.

This playlist ultimately grapples with the downs of romance and intimacy. The little desires, exhaustion, frustration, empathy, waverings, fears, disappointment, acceptance, and hope of a romance on the decline. 

Fake It- Okay Kaya  

I always faked it till it felt okay I was often aroused Till I was forced to be something else Awful posture whispers stammering

I never wanna, I never wanna Fake it till I feel okay

Friends dictate my identity I would like to know what they see I'm older, still bang my own head in Sometimes I think I could have it all Just wish I wanted some No cold shoulders No repetitions

Nothing makes me feel more frustrated and indignant than feeling like I need to be something else--whether that’s due to enforced expectations or because I’m put in a position where I’m forced to respond in a way that I don’t identify with. (Angry, mean, pathetic, clingy, controlling?)

I always faked it till it felt okay. I remember singing along to me and feeling convinced by it. (Okay Kaya has this effect -- she says these absurd, almost nonsensical sentences that make you realize, wow this is so true). It’s funny cause I feel so bad at faking it in certain regards. I’m always too honest, too open to being vulnerable, hate putting up pretenses (unless I don’t care and then I really don’t). I like being upfront.

Can U Not- Okay Kaya

Am I thinking of you? Don’t even know who you are But you could be anyone And I could be anyone Everybody else keeps letting me down Can you not? Can you be what I want?

Such a relatable, honest desire. This unknown “you” could be anyone, isn’t even special. And yet, such high expectations towards them--everybody keeps letting me down, but can you* not? It’s ridiculous, but that doesn’t stop most from wanting it regardless. 

Tired – Beabadoobee

You haven't been good for long Is it the sound of your own thoughts That always keeps you up at night? Maybe it's time to say goodbye 'Cause I'm getting pretty fucking tired

I’ve been eating less all day To give myself some extra time to think Bout all the things to do to help Distract me from the rude of heart

In certain moments, you just grow fucking tired. 

Girl in New York – ROLE MODEL  

Ooh, do you think about the way we used to feel?

Your momma warned you about the boys like me We're said to break your heart Ain't that true? I wish you'd listened to your friends When they had told you break apart, yeah

It's never too late to make love But I don't want to have to make up

I apologize, I fall in love with anything that walks my way But trust me, I felt something new the day that I first saw your face

What a 얄미운 song, there simply isn’t an appropriate English word for it. Listening to it, you hate this hipster ass sadboi who absolves himself of his wrongdoings by reminding you all the reasons that in fact, you were dumb for ignoring the blatant signs and believing in him. (Cause it’s not like you already feel like maybe all this was somehow your fault.) And even when he knows you’re hurt and things have gone horribly, he admits that he’d still be down to fuck but won’t cause then you’d have to have a real conversation, and he “doesn’t want to have to make up.” To top it off, he emphasizes that you were just one of many that walked his way, nothing special at all. But he throws in a tiny qualification that is way too general to be real (i felt something) and shows a moment of weakness asking you if you think about how it used to be. And after all the ways he acted like a little shit, that one iota of appreciation and admission of nostalgia is enough to make you soften a bit. A cowardly, likely hot, lost boy and a soft-hearted, understanding girl (who likely becomes a little hardened afterwards)-- truly a tale of our era. 

Why Can’t I Have You – Gloria Laing

If I let you go, will you come back another time? So I can look forward

Well we waste our time on things we want Why can't I have you baby? Why can't I get you baby? Waste our love on things that will never give it back

So you need help? Well, I've got you covered I'm here when you need a sunny day Don't bend your rules if you don't want to But I think you do So I sit back and let things go how you play them

Someone else who isn’t an 86-year-old white woman named Gloria. It’s refreshing. 

This song captures the inevitable waverings and back-steps as you recover from something that has failed. I respect the painful honesty in admitting to bargaining with someone/thing who doesn’t give a shit anymore, the demeaning bending of your own rules and turning a blind eye to his wrongs. It’s unfortunate, but it happens for many, and I admire Gloria for unabashedly talking about it, the painful but brazen honesty of it.

i think I wanna be alone - mazie

I think I wanna be alone 'Cause love makes me uncomfortable My God, it's fucking terrible Goodbyes are so unbearable

An inevitable conclusion after a while. 

did you/fall apart- Prateek Kuhad 

Babe, did you take my heart? But we fell apart

A mystic song thats all emotion. For the phase where you empathize, and inevitably and perhaps unnecessarily, continually try on the shoes of someone else. (Did we or you fall apart?) 

You Ain’t Gotta Lie (Momma Said) - Kendrick Lamar 

I could see your insecurities written all on your face So predictable your words, I know what you gonna say Who you foolin'? Oh, you assuming you can just come and hang with the homies but your level of realness ain't the same

You can never relate me to him, to her, or that to them You ain't gotta lie to kick it, my  You ain't gotta try so hard

One of my all time favorite songs. Possibly the best anthem for the insecure but masculine boys out there. Despite Kendrick’s so true shade, ultimately, it’s a song of love and acceptance-- you ain’t gotta lie. 

But despite what you tell them, they all do.

Compensating - Amine 

Compensatin' for your feelings And you know the feelin' This is what you thought would heal it But it makes you feel it Tryin' things you thought would cheer it

Text, I reply, baby, 'til my phone die  You know he lied if a - said he don't lie 

Such a bop showing that people be out here compensating on you, but you can still be Wes Anderson colorful, vibe, and break it down, cause nobody should cramp your style. Amine said it best in his Genius interview (showing that these artists be dealing with the same shit in relationships as us common folks):  

The person I was dealing with was making up for knowing that they were wrong, but not really wanting to admit it. So like we would either argue about something for like thirty minutes and then we’d come to a conclusion at the end where we both agree on the same thing. And then I’m like, “Why were you compensating for your feelings for a good thirty minutes? We could have been on the same page and saw eye to eye then.”

But also, he shows grace and kindness towards these people that I resonate with:

So I really felt like when someone’s compensating for their feelings, they’re really just trying to heal themselves because they’re just trying to find a way for themselves to feel right. Feel and not feel so wrong.

Andy they often are. But does that mean they should get away with it? What’s the balance between understanding someone but not condoning their behavior? 

ARE U OK? - Daniel Ceasar 

Are you ok? Been starin' at you face, from across the room now You seem out of place

Back on my shit, my bullshit that is It feels so good to hold you, in my arms We both know it's wrong

it's therapy you need Need to, see right through you

Continuing the sympathies of Amine, a beautiful song that casts a loving gaze at someone who is visibly lost. Even when you know that they’re on their bullshit and clearly not OK, it’s hard not to be worried for them or care about them. To not be too understanding and think they’re fucked up only for a reason. It’s the plight of an empath.  

French Press Girl – Okay Kaya  

In the night I find her shaking next to me Dark, half-naked, idiot girl When I wake up, she leaves

And she is beautiful and bitter French press girl

All I wanted was to feel her warmth I come home, she's rhythmic in the sheets Beautiful, bitter girl Come french-press me

The sentiments in this song feel raw and true, even thought they’re not all that sensical. It’s more of an intuition, which makes me more amazed that Okay Kaya has captured it in this way. That feeling of waking up at night, or before you sleep at night, gazing at this always too warm body – dark, half-naked, idiot boy, who happens to be both beautiful and bitter. I’ve never strung together those words before but it’s true. Bitter in a different sense than I prefer, but bitter nonetheless, like how I prefer my wine, my coffee, my romances, my callings? Duality has always appealed to me—it’s how I’ve always felt.  

I listen to this song in the daylight and it reminds me what I ultimately wanted. As dumb as it is, all I wanted was to feel warmth. Looking back though, I guess that’s what they wanted too. And that’s probably why it happened. And why this song makes me feel somewhat okay about it all. 

Love Song for the Haters - Fleece

I'm not so sorry it's your fault Look in the mirror because the good in you is covered I'm projecting but I think you love me and that's why You've made me crazy far too long baby

You're not the reason for this song It's to remind me that the trauma you caused Was just your insecurities playing tricks on my mind I'm done and through with toxic love

But there's something about today Makes me miss your ways Something about today Makes me feel okay that you’re gone

I love how this song captures a unique shade of wavering or more so, the nuances of growth. Even within the resolve and clarity, you can miss someone. You can stand firm on the fact that you’re happy with the end of a toxic relationship and see things as they are, but still feel a shade of affection. You miss their ways, but you also feel okay they’re gone. Again, dualities. 

Yet despite this likely tumultuous, heart-wrenching relationship Fleece has gone through, this is ultimately a Love Song for the Haters, rather than a Hate Song for the Lovers. And that still makes me smile. 

Unfinished, 7.15.2021

[gloieee]

On Becoming, Being, and Letting Be

I want to remember things. 

 June has been a time of visitors in my life. People dropping in, showing me their world, but more so, me showing them mine. In its entirety. The good, the mundane, the bad, the wildness that always seems to creep its way into my trajectory. (My friends have talked about my luck for the minor farcical “tragedies” of life—how when you hear it, you’d think it was dramatized, but you take a close look, and it’s just true lol. You don’t earn the title “Joke Legend” for nothing). I opened up my heart, my home, my body, my mind, my loved ones, all the things that I hold dear to myself. I did it openly, somewhat recklessly, when on second thought, I should’ve foreseen how hectic things would be, the consequences of what that would entail. Yet I also did it cautiously, sometimes wearily, maybe a little begrudgingly because I was stretched thin a lot of the time, which I should’ve but also couldn’t expect really. I don’t like taking people’s words for things and have always lived life pointedly ignoring or going against what people tell me to do—at times in silent rebellion and perhaps more stubborn angst than I’d like to acknowledge; in others, because, despite it all, I believed in something and wanted to stand by it. But yes, all this to say, people told me third year was gonna be a shitshow and yet I invited literally everyone, opened my life to them all. I chuckle cause that’s so typically me. I like to go hard and all in. I guess I do really feel back to my old ways in a certain sense. 

I went to the beach more times these past 2 months than I have in all my time in LA (which admittedly was truncated in many regards). It makes my heart swell. All different beaches, all with different people. All so memorable in their own way. May & June was the opposite of my March and April when I lived in a cave and all the weeks felt the same. We recounted each day of her prolonged visit with one of my dearest friends as it neared her departure, us sitting on my balcony late at night, slightly chilly, eating a mushroom truffle flatbread and trader joes pretzel bites and some luscious green grapes (that elicited praise from an old man at Ralph’s on TWO different occasions) after a particularly memorable beach visit. It was crazy that it felt like she had arrived yesterday and that her 2+ weeks in LA had been a dream. But at the same time, it felt like a lifetime had gone by. In Korean we say “the mountains and waterways have changed.” And it felt like that. But as someone once whispered to me, seemingly out of context, but also too appropriately: it’s not about the time, it’s about feeling intimate. I believe in that a lot, even when it’s hard to. 

We were in Santa Monica, where we rushed to completely unplanned, and somehow everything worked out--timing, parking, people, weather, vibes, water--and caught the most mellow but beautiful sunset I’d seen in recent days, the kind that soaks into your soul, gentle and tender. Where you feel like you’re a part of it and not just watching. The waves tumbled in all shades of green-blue, as if all the stories of different waters past and present had woven together and somehow wound up on this shore. As I twirled and jumped and yelled in the water in my dailies, with zero regard for how the water seemed to unfortunately exclusively wet my crotch, I realized that the best way to sum myself up is that I’m the type of person to always go in the water, no matter what the weather, what the attire, what the setting. It creates a mess--sand in your crotch that gets on your car and you sometimes feel icky afterwards, but I’ll always do it. I can’t resist when I’m already there. 

The past few days I’ve had so many organic conversations that I know will shape and define the narrative of who I am right now. I thrive on these convos, when I serendipitously run into these moments where I get a glimpse of what this time means to me—even as I cry and laugh and revel in how funny life is and how we can never really know where things are going. I’m always so so thankful for my friends who bless me with these moments. Musing and reflecting; it’s what fills my tank as I’ve always said, why this space exists, why home always changes for me (That + willy nilly silliness, which I also share with this friend, which makes me extra appreciative. This time was gold in so many regards.)

I’m jumping all over the place. I have two people in my life who have always prayed for me. The priest at my church in Korea, who has heard of some of the darkest parts of my life yet is always able to take that and melt it into the most gracious, kind smile; and a dear friend from college, someone I consider my sister. Despite my not so simple relationship with religion, I love it when she prays for me. She sees things that I’m unable to see, helps me tap into a love that I know exists in theory but can’t really feel (when usually it’s the opposite for me). She prays emotionally and visually, and I love that always.  

Twilight was setting in on the beach, as I processed and contemplated small life matters that make life what it is. My friend and I squatted on the shore, holding both hands in silence, inviting thoughts and the spirit. She pointed to the houses lining the empty beach, each with little windows emanating a warm yellow light. “If these houses were moments in your life, how do you see them? Is each house a person, a place, a time in your life, some other category?”  

I told her they start out being the typical place and time--my childhood in Korea, in the US, my year or so post surgeries, middle school-- but after college, it becomes the “phase” I was in at the time: The period of me trying to be who I wanted to be—simple, normal, a little basic, a little thoughtless for a year. When that came crashing down and I felt so lost into my leave of absence from college. When I accepted that I wasn’t and could never be that, and lived in my own way for a while, for better or for worse. My dark days of chronic pains. The aftermath of that and the soft determination that ensued. Embarking on the trepidation-inducing journey to become what I wanted to be, although it seemed impossible. Getting what I wanted with a twist and realizing it may not be what I want at all. Being lost and callous and value-confused in med school. Limbo. “The self-care journey.”And maybe the redemption? or a steadiness and stability that’s just starting to take root again. 

With tears in her eyes, my friend said that what she thinks is beautiful about me is how I’m always writing narratives for myself. Even when life has been so hard, how I’m always trying to discover and rewrite the shit that’s been given. I work with it and polish it on my own terms and make something of it. While she was praying for me, she said she saw how I operate on such a grander picture, that these themes and ideas that I talk about are truly so much bigger in my life and tie into all the little things and my decisions. I’ve always talked about them in that way and tried to explain it to her, but she said she finally really felt it.  

In our shared silence, she saw empty bottles: wine bottles, soju bottles, other drink bottles, so many of them like the ones strewn around my room to hold flowers and air. How maybe they were vessels that I had filled and given to others, sharing my story, sharing myself so willingly. I’m generous in my giving (which is a whole bucket of worms i can’t open right now). Some people drink it and take it, some drop it, some give it back broken, others put their own things in there that are sometimes nice and sometimes not. But regardless, the bottles are all there, as reminders of what I’ve given, what I’ve tried to convey. They leave me with a sense of emptiness at times, which ring a little more hollow these days.  

She saw that the biggest gift that’s been given to me, ultimately, is my ability to love so intensely. How God seems to have given me this taste of the sweetest honey that not many have tasted in this world, not many have the ability to feel and act on. That’s my greatest strength. “She’s so much stronger than even she knows, which is crazy cause she DOES know that she’s so strong.” (we laughed and laughed a lot here--a shoutout to Frank and Biking and how “God gives you what you can handle”). In a world that can be filled with so much shit, the strength to love is so amazing, she said. 

She said I'm like a top. Twirling and twirling so fast in a way no one else ever would, continuing to go when others would stop, like I did on the beach like some rogue helicopter. How the world thinks its crazy and is so sure I'm gonna fall but that I* know I won’t. How I’m so centered in the madness, having the time of my life despite all the concern around me. Even though I'm super fucking dizzy and nauseous afterwards, I'm right back at it. 

At the Hollywood Bowl with Kool and the Gang and the Fireworks, overlooking the sun setting in the mountains of LA, surrounded by crowds and crowds diverse in the LA-way, holding solo cups of my favorite every day white wine, we had ironically talked about wanting to be understood by others. She feels this simultaneous desire to be understood but not. Even with those who know her best, she sometimes doubts whether they fully get her. I told her how I feel slightly differently on the matter lately. I’ve always wanted so much to be understood and yet always felt like no one really did. There’s a threshold for understanding that needs to be passed, maybe brackets and levels to it , but 100%? I don’t really think that can happen. 90% is perhaps the best it gets. (A little throwback to On Seeing the 100% Perfect Girl One Beautiful April Morning by Murakami Haruki, a vestige of my old thoughts and desires). She said it seemed like I’ve come to terms with how no one really can, from what has broken and built me. Not really in a sad way though. Bittersweet maybe. Still with a smile on my face that’s not even wry (but then again, when is there not a litto smile on my face). Hence, the tattoo on my arm.

Back to the prayer. She said although I’ve come to accept this and learned to be almost content with this level of understanding from others, she saw that someone with even that 10% showing up in my life, somewhere down the road. I’m an incredible writer (her words!!) but there are even bigger narratives yet to be written. So much of the grand themes of my life are ongoing and have not been written yet. She said I’m so loved. The love she saw was boundless, and feeling it just overwhelmed her with tears. Praying for me always makes her cry. I seem to have that effect on people. So many people cry with me—I’m not sure of the significance of that. 

So that was one of the most beautiful nights I’ve had. In Santa Monica, which I will say, as someone who hates crowded, popular places, is odd to say. The beach was uncharacteristically empty and just so serene. Through all my visitors, I’m ironically falling in love with this city that is technically my home, but one I’ve hardly explored. Creating little nooks and pockets of memories. It’s a good thing it’s such a sprawled city. She hoped that I’m rewriting times on that beach, my balcony, my room, this city. I’m not sure all of them have to be rewritten, even the ones that weren’t so ideal. But I’m definitely adding layers and nuances, and I live and die on nuances. So I might be getting attached. 

I hadn’t felt so seen in a while as I did this night. (LA has been an odd place in that regard, where I’ve longed more than ever to be seen despite the sunny joys it brings me. I love the physicality of the city. I love my physicality in this city. But inside, the spirit, the emotions, I’m not so sure). My heart felt full. My heart has been tender these past few weeks. Tender but not raw, so this is new to me. Supple and tender that I feel a need to protect it, perhaps for the first time in my life (I laugh at myself cause this is truly just occurring to me now, when it probably should’ve a while back. I’ve never wanted to be the type of person who doesn’t do something cause I’m scared of being hurt. I’ve pointedly tried to not be that person, to choose to stay soft in a world that feels harsh and makes it so much easier to be something else. I’m maybe just* starting to entertain the thought that something may* have to be tweaked. Or maybe I need to learn to accept the consequences of vulnerability better--which I may be getting there? But more food for thought to mull over and weigh later). 

 I still don’t really know what to do about the little things I was ruminating on the beach. But that’s besides the point. I want to remember. I hate it when I don’t want to remember something, especially since I have such a good memory). There are so many thoughts and feelings swimming inside me, much more hectic and smooth and quick than the swimming I do in the 3 1/2 feet Family Pool that I’ve started to visit again. Or maybe it’s exactly like me in the Family Pool—unable to keep to the lane, half drowning, half swimming, yet also somehow appearing kinda graceful, loving the smooth feel of the water under my arms, loving the sun on my face as I emerge, the brief clarity I feel when I see a patch of light illuminating the water, in between the drowns. 

Another dear friend told me that her therapist said that in times when we're scared or hesitant because we don't know what the outcome of our actions will be (and never can), the only thing we can do is act based on the person that we want to be. Maybe the best version of ourself. But maybe it's not even that value-charged and it's simply the best version of the self I want to be. That touched me. It's what I've always wanted to be. I've tried and often succeeded in conducting myself that way, or at least rectifying them when they go awry. 

But it's hard when your heart feels so uncharacteristically tender. And you wonder whether you're finally getting too old for this, accumulating a few too many little bruises that take a toll on you. Pointedly not scars. I’d decided that I didn’t want any more scars long ago and simply stopped accruing them (As I also unexpectedly talked to my friend about, I’ve never been the one to retain scars emotionally--there’re too many physical ones for this lifetime haha) that perhaps I’d too openly accepted bruises in my life. It’s nothing, I’d shrug. Worth it. I’ve always embraced the toughness that was required of me.  But I’m starting to think: if they’re truly nothing, shouldn’t I avoid them? I feel a little weary. Not dismal or anything dramatic, just a little tired, and for the first time, a little apprehensive. I'm just worn out on this front. Appropriately, I acquired two of the worst bruises/ hematomas I can remember in the past few weeks. Both of them are healing pretty nicely. I can bend my finger now, use chopsticks, type, wash my hair. But even after weeks, I do still see the dark pool of blood percolated under my nail, feel the soreness on my toe if i pull on it, so there is that. 

I think I’m becoming something. But more than that, for the first time in a while, I feel that I already am. There maybe, just maybe, aren’t lessons to be learned (a hard concept for me), not because “shit happens” but because of something. I’d like to take a moment to celebrate that, even as a growth junkie. I want to hold on and perhaps, just let myself be. 

7.7.2021

[gloieee]

Fleeting Moments

Snapshots and unfinished thoughts leading to the big number change: 

It becomes harder to be vulnerable. This is when I realize I’m getting older.  I guess I still am, but always was a little too open, a little too honest. I’ve told several people that I’m shy, and no one seems to agree with it, which is interesting because I have so many thoughts I don’t share with people that I would want to. To me that feels like shyness. A dear friend tells me it’s because I’m “bold in my vulnerability” that people don’t see it. I guess that makes sense. 

But it’s nice to be honest. I’ve always loved people I can be honest with. I guess people who aren’t scared by my bold vulnerability. (When I was young and more cocky I think I worded it as “people who can handle me” as if it’s some kinda wily strength… i roll my eyes). I think that’s how I found such good people at Harvard. I was open in a place that can be so closed and cold.

* * *

Humor as a mature coping mechanism. In our psych unit we learned that the mature coping mechanisms can be remembered by: “Adults wear a SASH” (SASH stands for Sublimation, Altruism, Suppresion, and Humor). Which is hilarious cause no adult I know wears a fucking sash. Maybe that’s why things are so hard for us adults. Maybe that’s why it seems like we’re all getting a little more fucked up sometimes.  

* * *

My friend told me to go with my gut a lot of 2019 and 2020. I said it’s hard cause my gut sucks right now, both literally and figuratively. I think my gut has recovered. And it’s a good feeling. 

* * *

The same dear friend told me to cherish and soakkk in the emotions, so I did (in a guilt-free way). I feel unmistakable sadness without any of the negativity associated it, which was the first time I’ve ever felt this emotion. 

It’s a been a time of intense emotions, fleeting moments, that are still beautiful for what they are, and choosing what I'd like to take away from it all.  

 Me in 20 Years- Moses Sumney 

Hey, after all these years I'm still here, fingers outstretched With your imprint in my bed A pit so big I lay on the edge Will love let me down again? Oh no, no, it won't get in   Do you still hoard souvenirs And make them mirrors Of sentimental veneer?   I wonder how I'll sleep at night With a cavity by my side And nothing left to hold but pride, will I...

“It sounded like an old lady screaming to herself in the middle of Whole Foods. I knew then and there that he was the right collaborator to take [the song] to a catastrophic level."

Moses said this about the song & its producer and I think it’s the most spot on thing ever. I love how he adds humor to a song that’s so depressing and emotional and shrill that it’s almost laughable. It’s my favorite aesthetic. I want to embody this kind of appreciation of the world—facing the minor tragedies of life, feeling the lows and highs, but still being able to take a step back and laugh at it all. 

Alexandria – Jessi Blue 

Well, first off, I love you Secondly, I want you Third off, I know you’re feeling blue   Your energy is stuck to me like glue  It’ll be perfect cause it’s ours. 

Such. Extreme. Feels. I love it. Every line is an impression. A burst of fleeting taste, color, emotion. Like a snapshot of being in love--which I’ve always said is very different from loving someone. One’s momentary and all feels; the other is more of a choice, an action, something more I can’t go into right now.

Sidney Gish’s Presumably Dead Arm talks about it: 

cause i’m in love with strangers who I’ve never even seen and weird cut bangs and sweaters swaying kind of awkwardly i’m in love with fresh air friends from overheated houses till I uber up a giant park and dump my body in my dorm bed

We’re in love with all kinds of things. It’s all fun and games until you love someone/ something (when you’re 21) but don’t want to and then it’s a dead body in your dorm bed. (but that’s a lifetime ago).  

But anyway, Alexandria is the true good ache of that first kinda love. So sweet-light. It’s real, but it’s the epitome of Fleeting Moments. Jessi is so good capturing these snapshots: 

(also, it’s usually me that’s feeling blue, but sometimes you’re wrong. funny how that works) 

Oranje Guice -Jessi Blue 

I don’t fuck with fighting cause that shit is tiring.  I'll say I love you, but you think I'm lying You think commitment's something I'm implying, huh   But I'm here for the summer so let's get loose You're making pancakes and I'll pour the orange juice You make me go crazy, lose just a couple screws And when it’s over we’ll just fucking call it a truce    We should elope but it might be too soon Wonder how long we can keep up with the ruse I don’t know about you but I’m not the type to lose 

Jonny- Faye Webster 

This wasn’t supposed to be a love song, but I guess it is now 

Such a relatable track of wanting something affirmed. You don’t care but you do. Things turning out the way you didn’t expect it to. Sometimes things turn into a love song. I guess that’s kinda nice. 

Girls Don’t Always Sing About Boys – Ego Ella May 

Girls don't always sing about boys What if I wanna talk about suffering? I don't always think about boys But I hear love is the only thing worth fighting for   I mean, who doesn't wanna cry? To a song about getting your heart broke 'Cause she'll sing all the words that you never spoke Or couldn't   We'll go to school and then get married and start a family And they'll go to school and then get married and start a family The cycle continues When we don't question what we're into

Such an airy song that snaps me back into my reality, in such a gentle, loving way (which is a feat because reality isn’t like that a lot of the times). The chorus is a reminder of what I care about, of not mindlessly falling into the status quo, a cycle.  School- marriage – family is nice, it’s what I’ve always wanted I guess, but it really isn’t just that that I want, right? I’m becoming more aware of the freedom that I have because I’m only in the (very prolonged) first part of this seemingly stable, insidiously destabilizing cycle. And I want to make the most of it. 

Me and Michael - MGMT 

Imaginary bombs raining down from the clouds (So it seems) The danger signs will never let the feelings die When all the best and brightest have gone   Solid as they come 

I’ve always loved putting the good ol H bomb back in Adults wear a SASH. A true self-deprecating bop.  

I’d Do It All Again- Corrine Bailey Rae

So weary, someone to love is bigger than your prides worth Is bigger than the pain you got for it hurts And out runs all of the sadness It's terrifying, life, through the darkness And I'd do it all again, I'd do it all again

After experiencing the lingering stench of regret for a while, longer than I’d ever in my life, for the past few years, I’m coming to re-realize that this sentiment is the best one to have. “I’d do it all again.” I was at a point where I felt this about nothing for a bit, but I’m finally starting to feel this about more and more things. Slow and steady. Kinda feels like things are gaining color again.  

Someone sent this to me 8 years ago after I lost someone I loved. It was hard to say this at the time because they caused me many instances of pain and distress. Hence I felt guilty and unable to truly experience grief. I’ve always associated this song with that time in life. It’s appropriate I’m listening to it again because I’ve been thinking more about them lately, but in an entirely different way. I’ve been holding onto it purposefully. The opposite of a fleeting moment. As someone who remembers everything, there is power in choosing what to remember.

The dude on Headspace would say that when we’re struggling with sadness, think about not only ourselves but who else will benefit from us doing this meditation. Think about someone you love (guess he was dropping the A bomb in Adults wear a SASH). This always didn’t sit right with me. I always thought I was stronger in love, (i’ve written about this before--how I feel like a better person in a relationship/ when I’m romantically in love) and it’s something I’ve struggled with. Improving myself for someone else seemed like a dangerously dependent way of self development, that could come crashing down at any moment (even though deep down I don’t think I every really questioned my independence--just a lot of listening to ~societal views~). Choosing to remember this person that I loved, in a new way, makes me  feel like I finally understand the dude on Headspace. I’m a sucker for love and appreciate all kinds of it, but there are ones that are stable, and bring strength without it being unstable. 

I still wish I had been older, more mature than I was back then, and it still makes me cry sometimes, but I’m glad I’m holding on.  

1.14.2021

[gloieee]

(Last) Quarter Zip Up

It hit me a couple hours before my final that half of MS2 has ended. It was shocking because time suddenly went by so fast. I began retracing where the pace started shifting. March to June/July felt like forever. Tick, tick, tick, tick. August felt like a long month—a true whirlwind. September inched on. But then time just started speeding. October and November and half of December have been a blink of an eye. How about that...

But I do remember this moment last year and it really does feel like forever ago. (Small banal things can lead to strange consequences). I suppose its amazing because I’m so happy with where I’ve ended up. I’ve been telling people that 2020 has been a meaningful year, although not that fun. But looking back, idk, life’s been kinda funny. If anything it’s truly been a full year. 

My soundtrack from October to date, with random tidbits:  

Outta Time (Feat. Drake)  – Byson Tiller 

I've been thinkin' maybe Things were never the way we made 'em out to be How we thought they were, lately, I'm not sure The problem is we're not discussin' Seems like your days are dark days Seems like you're mad at the small things

 Lingo Star: STRIKES BACK – Tobi Lou 

I think there's something wrong with me 'cause I cannot relax I just had a long day, I don't wanna chat  Talking to computers got me feelin' like Roger Zapp (Baby where you at? Are you hiding in an app?)   Okay I got it, and you can't do nothin' about it He thought that I forgot it, so I brought it back-back

The bops that got me through gym sessions and walks; kickstarted random dance sessions at crosswalks and subway stations. 

Tick (feat. Sir) -TeaMarrr

I'm not really tryna save face when I say this I know we can't even stay, but when we lay up while we're on time let’s Tick, tick, tick, tick

Just Might (feat. PARTYNEXTDOOR) – Summer Walker 

I mean, what is love? Remember that love is a losin' game Remember that, all of your pain So you just might be a ho

You can't spoil love He just want your time, baby, he don't want the top He just want your mind, he don't need the brain

It’s nice to be honest. (Love Summer’s optimism too).  

Flaming Hot Cheetos- Clairo 

Sometimes I feel like I just wanna go back to my old ways You're telling me I'm silly, It's no fun in the old days I'm such a romantic, I never remember how things really happen Live in the moment, that's what they tell me

it's easy just to pretend That we don't have something real, It's just how we feel I'm feeling something right

Coffee- Beabadaboo

I promise that one day I'll feel fine Don't know how long I'll stay for...

But I'll make a cup of coffee With the right amount of sugar How you like it

Those sweet, quiet, ray-of-sunshine like moments in the day that make you smile regardless of what mood you’re in. 

Comedown- Joesef 

I wish that I could speak to you like there is nothing wrong Wish I could go back to before I Wrote this song But something's changed It's not the same 

I love songs about that inexplicable moment of change. Cigarettes After Sex- K., Pulp- Something Changed. I love how this one is so sweet and despite the lyrics, doesn’t really sound that serious. Like a warm, holiday track--self-limitingly sentimental.  

Presumably Dead Arm - Sidney Gish

i took a spill and ran into a tree, and suffered minor injuries

i wanna know the lyrics that you think of when you’re high cause i’m in love with strangers who I’ve never even seen and weird cut bangs and sweaters swaying kind of awkwardly

notice that I’m old, which means I’ll be 30 and happy likely married to personified business casual khakis

Recorded in the good old 617. The last bit killed me, cause that’s always what I wryly envisioned for myself: despite all the tribulations, one day you settle with business casual khakis and you’re “happy.” I can tell she’s young though, since she thinks that happens at 30. 

Chasing Amy- TeaMarrr

Cause I can make you weak And act like wolf and sheep I'm straight up savage

We don't really have to hide behind These white lies, or fake disguise But only if you're sure right?

99 problems getting dick ain't one I got 99 problems getting rich ain't one Nothing's really a problem (if you don't think its one)

TeaMarrr owning herself with a shrug sums it up. 

12. 15. 2020

[gloieee]

To glo et al.

It seems appropriate in many ways to start off this playlist with Dr. WHOEVER, an introspective and unexpectedly slow-paced track by Amine that has stayed with me since a dear friend sent it to me towards the end of 2018. I remember the moment so clearly. It was a typical cold Boston winter evening, when the sun had set well before 4 pm. I was living in my stifling apartment in Longwood mere minutes from my work and feeling empty after putting my all into a process for a year +, and yet still under so much uncertainty about the future. Mentally and physically, I felt so heavy, and since I finally had time, got a work-subsidized gym membership. That particular day, I had mustered up all my energy to change into my gym clothes after work to head to the dingy Bodyscapes, which really just felt like an extension of the Longwood hospitals. (It didn’t help that it was literally nestled in one of the research buildings.) Walking the few minutes back home, my body hot and the night air cold, I listened to this song and got shivers at how much it felt like an anthem for the confused mid-twenty-year-olds going through shit. Sad on your motherfucking birthday, cause you know you’re getting older and not happier. It hit even harder because my birthday always comes with the new year, and that only exacerbates the reflecting and processing I do. 

This song seems still more relevant this year, now. Indeed, it’s been crazy, for everyone, and it’s been laden with moments when you question, “what the fuck is my life.” I’ve been trying to be my own Dr. WHOEVER for the first time. It’s ironic that it’s my first, given that I’m trying to become a doctor for other people, perhaps even exactly the person you go to to tell all your problems. I’ve always been almost too good at telling a friend what I’m going through, contrary to the trope of the emotionally reticent young person, putting up a front of happiness. I’ve been having some illuminating conversations recently, mainly with the same friend who sent me this song years ago (who I have been so grateful towards, even more so these past few weeks), and been evaluating this funk that I’ve been in since Spring 2019 from a step back. 

Up until last year, a source of my agony was being understood by others. I knew what I wanted, even though I also knew that from the outside, that didn’t always seem to make me “happy” nor appeared to be the easiest route to take. Hence, I would find myself constantly explaining/ defending what I was going through because I wanted others to “get it.” I’ve always deeply wanted to be understood by others, ever since I was an adolescent. I’ve always felt “different” in some way from other people around me, and I never liked that feeling. Hence, I am/ have always been so touched when someone “gets me”. It’s no coincidence that I have what I have etched onto my left forearm for eternity. So, when ~da funk~ started in 2019, I did what I always do and talked to people about it. I have amazing friends (thanks to my thick “General eyebrows,” which indicates “people luck” in Korea), and everyone has been so validating throughout this perplexing situation where I feel so unmotivated and unlike myself. 

I realized recently that my situation right now may be pointedly opposite of what I’ve felt before—everyone else thinks I’m doing fine (many friends have said that it seemed like I was having the time of my life in LA—and I did from a certain lens), but I’m entirely unhappy with where I am. What I need right now doesn’t seem to be validation from anyone else, but from myself. I need to understand and accept where I am, and tell myself it’s okay. I’ve always been about facing the brute reality, bucking up, and making it through. This revelation has called for an entire change of pace—I am not used to being kind to myself, unless I’m going through something that I objectively consider difficult (i.e. debilitating chronic pain in college), superhumanly impossible, or at least deeply meaningful. I hold myself to such a standard that I never hold to my own friends or others. So as Amine says, I’m trying to let my feelings settle in and take my own advice. 

My mother told me that no one can fully understand who I am, because there is no way for anyone to know everything that has happened in my life and what significance it holds for me. I’m the only one that can perhaps truly understand where I’m coming from, because I’m the only one who knows my life in its entirety. She told me that as she gets older, she realizes more and more that at the end of the day, our own self is all that anyone has. It’s a balance, but I am trying very hard to take care of myself, to be kind. I have felt, for the first time ever perhaps, that it doesn’t really help to talk to people about what I am struggling with right now. I like updating them once I have a breakthrough, or asking for specific advice after I wade through and organize my own thoughts, all the leaves and flowers strewn about the waters, but active problem solving with people (read: in real time freak outs) feel burdensome to everyone and lead me to also feel worse about myself. I don’t feel very good after talking about myself to other people right now.

I do feel bad because I also don’t really have the capacity to be there for others, and I don’t feel like I have a legitimate reason to be in that state. Even when I was going through objectively difficult things, I was able to (I thought) be present for my friends. This isn’t a good excuse, but for those who are reading, I apologize for not being present. The following songs are a letter of sorts to myself, all the different parts and voices of glo, a progression of me into my own mind. As I’ve mentioned before, I have sought to be a sort of muse to someone rather than my own whatever. I feel like I am seeking to be my own muse at this time. I could not explain to you what this really means, but I am listening to these songs with a different perspective than usual. Perhaps this means I am just blithely self-centered, but I’m not imagining other people to be singing about me anymore, but feel like this is me singing about me? 

I am hopeful though. I think this could be something. 

9. 20. 2020  

_______________________________________________________________________

Is what I wrote nearly a month ago, a few weeks into these realizations, my purported ~self- care journey~ that I can’t say without a laugh (although it’s truly extremely important). And I was right. This WAS-IS SOMETHING. I feel more grounded and stable than I’ve felt since the dreaded March 2019. Grounded in a different sense, because I have let go of the notion that my feet need to touch the ground for me to feel stable. 

My superficial mood is still what it is, but I don’t feel it racking me to my core anymore. I feel like I know who I am, for the first time since March 2019. I still can’t put it into words, but I know that I I know. 

Open Wide- Spencer .

I hope you like the way I like to keep you in my head Same thoughts keep haunting me, while I am sleeping in my bed You've got me open wide Just come inside 

2much – Spencer  

Who let you make the rules? Summer's gone Win or lose, you still bruise Bring it on  I put my little truth in this song   Up too late, you're heavy on my mind now Lying to myself, I need to lie down Tearing down the walls, I need to cry now

Spencer’s music is like a beautiful, dreamy snapshot into vulnerability and honesty. An appropriate second intro for my journey with and within myself. God knows the same thoughts have been haunting me for a while, especially in the evenings laden with insomnia (which is ever so often these days), when my mind is not strong enough to fight off the negative thoughts and the burden of a day where I haven’t done nearly enough as I “should have.” But perhaps these repeating haunting thoughts actually show that I might as well invite myself into my own world, rather than forcing myself out. I’m already here anyway; might as well get comfortable. I’m too in my head a lot of the time, and this phrase is often used negatively. We need to be out in reality, in the real world; you just need to turn off your mind and get shit done. I’ve always believed in this firmly, which has led me to dislike myself a lot of the time. I like myself better when I’m action-oriented; I like others who are action-oriented, perhaps having been burnt hurt by people who are all thought and no action. But, at the same time, I need to recognize that I have never been that paralyzed to inaction so that I have lost something dear to me as a consequence. Of course, that could happen to me, as it can to anyone, but maybe I just need to cut myself some slack. Instead of forcing myself out of my mind, and feeling agonized when I find myself there inevitably, I would like to open wide and kindly invite myself in.  

And what better way than with some good old honesty. … Summer’s gone, win or lose, you still bruise. BRING IT ON. This line carries courage that I’ve felt I had lost for a while. I’ve been so afraid of, it boils down to, regret. A certain type of regret. 

Fun Girl - Summer Walker 

I remember what you told me Said I wasn't made right Said I wasn't cut right That's why I'm so lonely, mm Can't turn a ho into a housewife   Is it cause I love who I want and fuck who I choose to Don't take no shit and won't be used But I guess that makes me undesirable   Life's unfair

 I love Summer Walker with her ever raw, melancholy, crooning vocals. This mixtape-like track reminds me of an average post-grad apartment set up: soft beige carpets, and a girl singing into a mic surrounded by blankets on a second-hand plushy sofa. I listen to this song and think, what a dick this kid is for treating Summer this way when she’s baller. These queries are so relatable and I get so worked up until I realize—no one has ever said these things to me or made me feel this way really. It’s really just me saying it and doing it to myself. Funny to what extent you’re your worst critic. 

On a separate note, her life’s unfair outro just pulls at my heart. Each time she says it it’s as if I can accept that fact a little bit better. 

I Was Sad Last Night I’m OK now - Tobi Lou

I was sad last night, I'm okay now  My bad lil' bih went missin' on me All my confidence sure went missin' on me Ain't seen you in a while, are you checkin' on me?   I was hungry as fuck, I just ate now But the state that I'm in got me anxious again

Sometimes I ignore you too - Tobi Lou 

 All these things I don't need (A lot) Giving me anxiety (Stop)   (I need you to escape I'm like light years away I’m here, you’re there  It’s no fair    You think you make all the rules My insides are royal blue Sometimes I ignore you too)   Took a step back but, didn't go backwards I wanted things but they didn't happen

Tobi has been my soul food for the past few months. I was sad last night I’m OK now has been the mantra I’ve been trying to chant into existence. It’s all right you sad right now, but tomorrow, it’s gonna be better. It’s okay you were sad last night, but right now you’re ok. I play this song in the morning after I do my meditation. The cycle of trying to fulfill my basic needs/duties of the day, but the anxiety just popping up for no f- reason has really been my days lately. But I’m trying not to dwell on it too much. I constantly am reminding myself that I “took a step back but, didn’t go backwards.” I’m trying to live by it.  

Tobi is a prolific artist and just so accurately captures the spirit of your twenties, these particular turbulent and unsure times, in so many other songs too. He just owns his vulnerability in a funky way; he’s sad but boppy; insecure but also knows he’s still hot shit, and honestly just goals. He just matter-of-factly states what he’s going through, and shows me that all these emotions can coexist at the same time and that’s fine and beautiful. I can be sad sometimes, but be okay; I can feel doubt while also thinking my insides are royal blue; I can miss someone but also ignore them; I can feel like things aren’t fair but move on; I can take a step back but move forward. 

Dr. WHOEVER - Amine

I sit here and tell you my problems That's how this work, right? I'm s'posed to be open and honest But I got time, right Let your feelings settle in

I want war (but I need peace) - Kali Uchis 

My mind and my soul is the weapon And every failure was a lesson See, I just wanna grow into my greatness I wish I had the time that you takin'   I want war, but I need peace And they kept on callin' me crazy But maybe, that's how God made me

On the note of accepting myself, maybe this is how God made me. I’ve tried digging into why it was I was in such a funk when things were objectively fine, other than the obvious of what happened in Spring 2019. But I haven’t really* been able to get down to it, and I’ve felt a bit crazy and frustrated. And yet, I have been pressuring myself to get out of it for so long. The overarching theme has been that I’ve felt that I have no time, as Amine seems to question in Dr. WHOEVER. I feel so old, so behind in life, but can’t muster up the motivation to do even the basics for a while. Hence the loop-de-loop of doom. I’m maybe realizing that personality-wise I approach things like a war—something to conquer, to overcome, to achieve—when what I really need is peace—kindness, a steadier state. And instead of seeking that from external things—career, marriage by a certain age (which seem to be the standard these days)—I need to find that in myself. 

I do think I’ve reached a point where I can’t justify why, but I can put words to why the slump has lasted this long. It’s because I felt like I just wasn’t making progress in any core pillars of my life. Even the good things were arbitrary and by chance, and it just made me feel like I wasn’t earning anything or moving forward. An interesting and random event has made me realize though, that every failure has been* a lesson, even though it’s taking much longer & more effort for me to feel it and realize it in my life. My mind and my soul has been a weapon that I’ve used against myself for a while, and I’m realizing I still can* use it for myself. I’m trying to grow into my greatness, and I think I am getting there, slowly but surely. Maybe I do have the time that you takin. 

Instead of ruminating on why and what went wrong on multiple fronts, I am trying to cut my losses and accept, much like JID does. Sometimes you try for shit and shit just doesn’t work out. I need to just use how God made me to deal with whatever it is I’m going through, and be satisfied, even feel a sense of appreciation, instead of focusing on what I’m not:  

Workin Out - JID  

(Mama call, "Where the fuck you at?") -the story of living in Korea with my parents at age 26.    I gave everything and got nothing back    'Cause I been working hella hard, shit ain't really working out I been praying to the Lord, shit ain't really working out I been looking to the stars, keep my head up in the clouds Shit ain't really working out, shit ain't really working out   Quiet Don't explain What is there to gain   Searching for a purpose, I see what you on Difference in how you be using your gifts In the midst of the shit that you dealing with

And a brief interjection to actually embrace the vulnerability that I so admire in Tobi and these artists. Despite these realizations that you need to stop lingering too much and move on, you still want a hot tub dream machine and want things you can’t have, and want to croon about it for a bit. “Honesty is better when it’s practiced”: this line hits me most saliently these days. It’s one of those lines that hits you and you’re like wow, what an interesting way to phrase a truth. We always talk about honesty and the value of it, and harbor our honest thoughts it in ourselves. Yet we rarely fully voice it, to ourselves nor to our families, friends, partners and it leads to a lot of strife. Honesty not about what we want or want to reach, but where we’re at right now. A failure to do this has been a central part of how things went further south last year. I’ve been taking this to heart, and trying to practice this form of honesty these days. 

Hot tub DREAM machine - tobi Lou 

Ayy, I need a hot tub time machine Then I can go back and fix everything Same old you, but a different me  Maybe we can be human beings   Still struggling with a whole lot of things I'm still down here spiraling   But you know there's something about you  That makes me happy, but makes me so sad too  Makes me so damn sad  I don't wanna fall asleep, I don't wanna say good night I don't wanna get too weak, I don't wanna slip your mind   'Cause lately you so UFO You don't come around no more You visit me in my dreams Like why on Earth you do that for?

Cheap Vactions – Tobi Lou  

I'm just waitin' on you, on you I got a window seat with your name on it I got the red eye cheap, we could fade on it   I-I-I do not think I'm ok  Sometimes I think I can fly  You know I hate being lonely  Don't keep me waiting too long 

 Stolen Moments - Cautious Clay  

Honesty is better when it’s practiced Don’t stress your confidence in subtleties Cus no better half can satisfy A wasted alibi

Ultimately, despite the meandering journey I’ve been on, the dips of frustration and self-questioning, I feel it like a faint hint in the backdrop that has gotten more salient over the months: I’m proud of myself. I remember listening to PROUD OF U by EARTHGANG (feat. Young Thug) while doing some dumbbell rows at the gym and feeling a pang in my chest and perhaps, a tiny tear in my eye. Something about Young Thug’s cracking voice as he says he’s proud of you that got to me. These past few months, I’ve truly realized how hard on myself I normally am and it feels like a big step for me to be proud of myself, not for an external achievement that everyone validates or something that I think is impossible, but for working on myself in a silent way, even if parts of it may appear incomprehensible or silly to both myself and others. 

And my lighthearted spirit anthem. I’m addicted to “taking care of myself” in all ways these past few months, and a funsie way it has manifested is exactly and literally the following: an obsession with skincare. No matter the topsy turvy tribulations of the day, I wrap up the evening slapping on some new toners, serums, and creams, maybe peeling off a sheet mask pack, and feeling myself to this song. There’s something that feels affirming about taking care of my skin even if “the world gonna end,” and I see no one. It’s a symbolic, tangible, but also random act that keeps it all in good fun. The interweaving of cursing out the doom of 2020, the anger directed towards multiple sources yet no one at all, the sadness, the confidence, the indignation, the sass, the resolve, the twinkly dancing alone in my room, the laughter, all in no particular order, it all me right now. 

I really do feel like if I continue down this road, circling back to Dr. Whoever, I’ll be on track in my life. This may actually save a life:

SKIN CARE TUTORIAL 2020 - Tobi Lou

I'm irrational, I'm too passionate I don't give a fuck, I just popped a zip Mirror on the wall, who the baddest bitch? Oh yeah right that's me How could I forget?  Vengeance on these hoes, 2020 shit Real sad shit   God damn bitch, I'm beautiful Have you ever seen a - like me? Let me answer that for you, no you haven't   I'm takin' care of my skin, ayy I'm drinkin' water and shit, yeah I moisturize like a bitch, ooh   Fuck 2020 by the way, yeah   (Bitch, this might fuck around and save a life) 

 Updated mid-Oct & mid-Nov 2020 

[gloieee]

Limbo

Started this post sometime early July and could not finish in classic fashion because the heaviness weighed me down TOO much for me to continue writing. Usually for me writing is catharsis, but this time it felt laborious because it meant I had to sit with my emotions even more so than during my day-to-day (which was already too much to handle). It was hard for me to even listen to these songs then because it made my entire being ache. Yet, of course, cause I loved the pain, I did and anguished in it to paralysis. Most of these thoughts no longer resonate with me, to a surprising extent, but am attempting to pay respects to the pinnacle and hopefully, the conclusion of a long year+ of distress. Here goes, Limbo. 

 8/12/2020 

_______________________________________________________________________

Good News – Mac Miller 

I spent the whole day in my head Do a little spring cleanin' I'm always too busy dreamin' Well, maybe I should wake up instead A lot of things I regret, but I just say I forget Why can't it just be easy?

I think this sums up my days better than any of my own words can. These couple of weeks have been exactly this—spending whole days in my head (doing little else sometimes gleefully, sometimes woefully) attempting some “spring cleaning,” then going on some tangent on things I should fix in my life, attempting to constructively go down memory lane, then things getting too much and wondering the forever questions, “why can’t it just be easy?” 

Regret has become a salient gateway word into my life these past two years, not always consistently, but at least with some regularity. It feels especially shocking cause it really had so little presence prior to this. I suppose, some may say that before a certain age, there are no real consequences to one’s actions, hence, no need for regret. But under that logic, I don’t think at 26, I’m that old either, so I wonder what happened at 24 that began this trajectory. It seems extremely fitting that I couldn’t finish the blog post for “Mistakes” in May 2018, because to be frank, since then, a tinge (or more) of regret has persisted in my days. There have been some lateral moves for sure, but never a vertical move past the regret. Continuing on this thread of analyzing my own past actions, it also appears fitting that I started that 2018 playlist with Unhappy by Outkast/ Big Boi because regret rings profoundly (maybe only) when you’re unhappy with your current state. You don’t see a happy woman ruminating on a thought exercise of what could’ve been. At the time, I included the song based on feeling, (as with everything on this blog), but never really discussed it. 

Might as well have fun 'cause your happiness is done When your goose is cooked

I suppose this was pretty much how I lived my life this past year. I’m trying not to say it as a bad thing, cause it isn’t necessarily, and I have a tendency to romanticize tribulations. I had a lot of fun, even though at moments I got pretty millennial REKT in the process. It’s less the fact that I had fun (and was very healthy (physically)! Which I am grateful for), but that I had little else. I didn’t feel very fulfilled or feel like I knew myself, or my values, or even what I wanted. I lived nonchalantly, maybe even a little numbed, and got wrapped up in a LOT of distractions. Admittedly, it was nice in the moment to care about such light things, to not have to deal with so much heaviness. I remember reveling in it, in my personal conversations and on this blog as well. 

Yeah Right by Joji is my past year in LA told from the perspectives of cynics (aka Me). It’s a simple, almost grossly millennial song. Despite the extremely self deprecative lyrics, I love how the melody feels like a calming, boppy afterthought. There are moments in the track where you’re just super down in the dumps, but also moments when you’re singing with a lopsided, wry, self-taunting smile on your face. 

 Yeah Right – Joji 

Imma fuck up my life    We gon party all night She don’t care if I die  Yeah I bet you won’t try  But you know I don’t mind 

I don’t think my motives were ever as extreme or bleak as “imma fuck up my life” but the general sentiment rings true. There was definitely a pervasive detachedness to my days, and a total lack of “trying”.  And a lack of minding over that fact. 

Yeah, you know I feel right Yeah, you living right now She don't ever pick sides

I unfortunately discovered Joji during the small insanity of quarantine, and of course blazed through all his interviews. I hadn’t fully realized how not picking sides in my life and going along with the flow belied a sense of numbness or ambivalence. This is so how I’ve been feeling/ felt about so many aspects of my life—career, relationships, values, lifestyle. I couldn’t choose anything because nothing pulled at me. I remember telling a friend that I’m at a point of ambivalence where if I had two research projects I would not be able to pick which one to pursue because they would feel all the same to me. I feel almost no sense of what interests me.

Yeah, you bet I go to see you when I'm feeling like a drum without a beat Yeah, you dance so good And I think that's kinda neat

I am/was truly a drum without a beat, just noticing some insignificant thing of slight interest and noting “that’s kinda neat.” Really not a reason to go after a girl/ relationship in the slightest, but I get how it’s all that could be mustered at the moment. And then you shrug and run with it. 

 Another millennial moment of wisdom from Joji about this song:  

It’s not productive but it’s not destructive. And that’s how a lot of people get stuck, in relationships and in life in general. 

This was exactly what was happening during the year. I was not productive AT ALL, but I was still passing, still technically going through the motions, going through the hoops. Life was happening. And I was stuck. 

What you know about love? What you know about life? What you know about blood? Bitch, you ain't even my type

Honestly not super sure how it relates, but to these lines. Joji explains:  

I mean, the way I see life is like, no-one’s special. You’re not born special, if you’re lucky you’re given a certain set of skills and a certain set of resources and you run with them, and then everyone dies. So as long as they know that, and they’re not thinking in a God’s plan sort of way... So just stuff like that

This was interesting as this summer as I was trying to figure out my path and my direction, and grappling with whether I wanted to try to pursue things that I thought I should/ kinda wanted for extraneous reasons/ seemed practical and logical and well desired vs. what I may be better at/ what I knew I wanted before. And there was definitely this idea of a (lost) calling, a larger cosmic reason that I had blindly chosen this much harder and guilt-inducing path. Something that may make it all make sense. I was extensively looking back on my past self and aspirations. I felt like I had forcibly given up things that made me me without gaining the practical traits I had so envied in others; I had become a boring medical student who wasn’t even super productive nor good at medicine. I was obsessed with this idea of a passion, this abstract thing that I seemed to have perhaps had the inklings of at a certain point, but seemed to have lost entirely, all after having sacrificed much to pursue it. It was refreshing to see someone who is an artiste (hohoho) saying these things, since (successful) artists seemed to be the only people who were truly special or passionate enough in what they did, in that they had risked so much stability, and had made it. 

Returning to the song, I love how all these serious questions are raised only to be followed up by a super petty “bitch you ain’t even my type.” And indeed, my many deep queries have no conclusions and I find myself returning to the minutiae of daily life.  

Back to Good News. The utter exhaustion and endless circle of rumination on past days, a desire to fix the pattern, slight hope, and inevitable resignation Mac sings of make me close my eyes to take a deep breath. His tracks from Circle capture so well the fluctuating inner thought processes of those who are struggling to dig themselves out of something beyond their control:

When it ain't that bad It could always be worse I'm running out of gas, hardly anything left Hope I make it home from work Well, so tired of being so tired Why I gotta build something beautiful just to go set it on fire?   I'm no liar, but Sometimes the truth don't sound like the truth Maybe 'cause it ain't I just love the way it sound when I say it   But I heard that the sky's still blue, yeah I heard they don't talk about me too much no more And that's a problem with a closed door   Then I'll finally discover That it ain't that bad, ain't so bad

The coexistence of heaviness and hope is what I’ve always loved about Mac. I’m obsessed with duality, contradictions, and being conflicted because I think it’s what I have so struggled with for my young adult life (Joji also mentions this is a driving force behind his songs). Also, I think inconsistencies are just something that is so humanizing about people. It’s no wonder that my favorite works of art attempt to dissect or observe dualities—The Unbearable Lightness of Being; the esoteric song by the lead singer of a small Korean indie band that I had to pay 50 cents to download and save on my desktop cause it wasn’t on youtube (it is now huzzah). A minor tangent, in the aforementioned song Jo Woong implores someone to tell him what he did wrong because he sure as hell can’t figure it out. And a line that has stayed with me for years: Aren’t people’s fronts and backs inherently different? Or is it just me that’s lacking something... It’s a play on a Korean saying, but it points out the inconsistencies in people in an aching plea for understanding and sympathy. It’s what too many plagued, conflicted individuals are hoping for. 

내가 뭘 그렇게 잘못했는지 모르겠어요 누가 내 잘못 안다면 얘기 좀 해줘요  사람이 원래 앞뒤가 맞지가 않잖아요? 아니면 나만 이렇게 모자란가요  

When I listen to Mac with a clear head, aka not in the throes of depression, I hear the hope in his voice and lyrics. It strikes me and warms my heart even more because I know that the hope has shined through despite the darkness. But when I’m on the other side of the equation, I hear how deep the sadness and pain is, and how the hope is not enough to overcome that. It’s almost worse because I know the hope exists, and yet I can’t get there. It feels like a failure. 

Everybody- Mac Miller 

Everybody's gotta live And everybody's gonna die Everybody just wanna have a good, good time I think you know the reason why   Yeah, sometimes the goin' gets so good Yeah, but then again, it get pretty rough

The fatalism of this song coupled with Mac’s slight falsetto embodies a type of pain that is ineffable. The back and forth of things being good and rough reminds me of an addled and empty-eyed shrug.

Surf – Mac Miller

And the days, they go by Until we get old There's water in the flowers, let's grow People, they lie But hey, so do I Until it gets old There's water in the flowers, let's grow   Yeah, well Sometimes I get lonely Not when I'm alone But it's more when I'm standin' in crowds That I'm feelin' the most on my own And I know that somebody knows me I know somewhere there's home I'm startin' to see that all I have to do is get up and go

Surf speaks more quietly of possibility even during dark times. The faint sense of having known at a certain point that someone knows you and gets it, and that you could feel at peace again, like in a home of sorts. The desire to grow, the slight feeling that maybe, it we let go (of societal perceptions, of greed, expectations?), something could change. But in the here and now, it’s just a sense and not a reality. A hypothetical thought that has not yet passed the threshold for action:

Gotta get goin', goin', goin' before I'm gone

A break from the melancholy for a throwback to myself, which made me chuckle as well as feel a sense of wistful nostalgia. This short and sweet track seems like the perfect modern-day ode to me. My conflicted state of being in awe of and yearning after impractical aestheticism but simultaneously being terrified of and slightly disgusted by the indulgence and recklessness of art and its values has led me to eschew it as a profession but try to implicate myself in it in other ways. I think one of the slightly problematic ways this has manifested is not pursuing art in my own life, but seeking to be a muse in other’s’ artful endeavors. I’ve definitely probably contributed to the problematic male gaze I’ve written papers on, but in all vulnerable honesty, that is how I’ve been in the past. The redeeming qualities of Kota’s muse reminded me of the past, some of the qualities that I had prided in myself. I woefully feel as though I have lost all these qualities--Doing my own thing, riding my own wave, not being affected by others’ values, particularly the more superficial ones, being grounded, reading (hah, but never self help), low-key taking care of my life, knowing what I want.  

She – KOTA the friend 

She do her own thing, she ride her own wave Only twenty people on the 'Gram that she followin' Only post work, she ain't tryna be a model chick She believe in white wine, feet up on the ottoman Low-key, got her own business and she mindin' it If she get your number, you'll be lucky if she lock it in She hella grounded, but the plane trips to BnB stay booked Told me I should read the Four Agreements, it's a great book Cracked a little smile and she threw me back the same look, yea 

Slowing it down, this song sounds like a warm afternoon sunset on a lake in New Hampshire that’s not even sad. Which is rare for me since I find sunsets heart-wrenchingly empty most days.

Hand Me Downs – Mac Miller 

Get away to a place where the lakes such a great view Leave the bank, couple hunnid thou' I made it, but I hate once I build it I break it down Might just break me down   And all I ever needed was somebody with some reason who can keep me sane Ever since I can remember I've been keeping it together but I'm feeling strange

As long as I could remember, this is what I wanted. Yet in recent months, I’ve felt so confused about what I want. I’ve been feeling strange, and things don’t seem right, with no proper conclusion:   

Get away when it ain't really safe and it don't seem right But what's new? You get used to the bullshit, the screws they go missing It's likely they might be but...

I almost wish that there was something I distinctly missed, since that would at least show that I cared about something. But to be fair, wanting the wrong things have led me down many wrong turns in the past, so maybe this blank slate is not so bad. I’m so very unsure of what I want, but I suppose I just need to keep it up and act like I do* want something. That’s been the conclusion for this past year. It’s sometimes nice and fine, sometimes so difficult, and I’m in the latter end of the spectrum now, but perhaps it’ll click eventually. In the meantime, the detached voice of Giveon soothes me that I’m not only lost soul goin back and forth on the lost young adult pendulum:  

Like I Want You – Giveon  

I guess I'll just pretend until it all makes sense   Like I want you You, ooh, ooh Even if it's true, ooh (Even if it's true)

Early-ish July 2020  

[gloieee]

Languid Seductions

I’ve found myself reading my old blog posts often lately. Until now, I had been reading ones from this past year, because those felt the freshest to me, and hence, the most “real”. Reading through some of the older ones, especially from 2018, I’m realizing that this is emphatically untrue—I was perhaps subconsciously reading through the ones from 2019 because it was light enough for me to handle. Reading through my quarries from 2018 make me realize that life has become so much simpler and “normal” since then. It’s interesting. I have felt “lonely” more often lately, but in a way that seems shared by others. It’s that universal, millennial sense of being alone—mid-late 20s; feeling lost about love, career, life; feeling behind for my years; wanting love but not; being in a new city and not having totally found my niche or groove, all tinged with light exasperation at myself for a lack of many things--trying, drive, knowing, feeling? 

The loneliness I was experiencing in 2018 feels more profound because I really had no one I could fully explain it to. It did not feel shared at all. Even to my close friends, I remember it was a burden to fully explain why I was so agonized. Even with my genuinely concerned friends, I could tell that it sounded “like a lot,” but that it wasn’t fully grasped or relatable. There was a cloud that shrouded my being, a (literal) weight on my body, and I remember feeling it in many moments, even when one shouldn’t have—while letting out a stream of smoke in Fenway waiting for an Uber after a very rare, light-hearted “fun night” out with friends; while walking back to Longwood after a casual beer with coworkers, with the scent of early summer drifting; after I chatted with a dear friend on the steps of a church, a cool iced latte percolating in my hand, the orange, dry sun bathing us. It’s interesting, because I remember speaking with another good friend of mine, in the “lounge” of my sad ass Longwood apartment (touted as a great plus and as a justification for not having a dining table or living room in the apartment, and of course no boys lmao, by my crazy subletter). I said I don’t understand at all how I was so moody throughout college, because I really feel no emotions anymore. Or at least, I didn’t feel the random throes of my emotions as much, at least not without an appropriately inciting life situation. In 2018, there were such clear things to be uncertain about, so many things I just had to get through. I felt like I had become so much more practical as a person then, which is a little laughable, since in Spring of 2019, I had a whole crisis that whipped me into shape (perhaps), and made me realize I didn’t know shit about anything practical. In retrospect, I suppose I was more “dedicated” in early 2018 than “practical”. 

This is not to say that I didn’t feel happy in 2018, or that I was always down. I knew I was working towards something I wanted (at the time…), and because the moments of mutual/ shared understanding were rare, when they happened, when I felt the weight be lifted or at least attempted to be shared, I felt such deep warmth. My moments of happiness in 2018 are still some of my most vivid memories, for I do think they were so real. A perfectly crafted lemon chicken had on the balcony with a curiously strong, sour Pilsner after a particularly dismal day at work; a spontaneous walk along the Charles River on a slightly chilly, windy day as a break from the flurry of MCAT studying; a trip to Haymarket tasting local delectables; finding a favorite bourbon whiskey at a heavily discounted price and enjoying a whiskey+lemon+iced tea at any time on scorchingly humid Boston summer days. 

I was struck by this bit from my post in 5.2018:

I’ve always gone against the current, but not in any kind of romantic, rebellious, edgy way—I find no delight in defining myself as ~alternative~ or a free soul or some bougie highbrow connoisseur of life. I literally hate that shit, perhaps because I feel indignant. I feel like more of a farce than some open-minded intellectual-artist type. Ultimately, I want the plainest, most generic things in the world—revel in security, love the suburbs, love benefits-eligible positions and dream of being a homeowner—but yet, I seem to choose the hardest route to that goal.

It appears as though I have achieved this goal to a certain degree. Or have embraced it more fully than I ever have before. Although perhaps this is my binary thinking coming into play (as my therapist notes). I feel as though I’m belatedly experiencing very relatable, common emotions. Not that that’s bad. It does evidently make me a worse writer—which I had suspected it would—but, I suppose there’s no use to being a particularly good writer when I’m not going to write for a living, at least not in the context in which such good writing is required. 

Of course, I’m sequestered in a beautiful home in the Midwest, where I feel secluded from the outside world, which could be a contributing factor to all this. But, looking back on even my difficult moments this past year, there is a common theme of them being just so very relatable, so normal (which has actually brought me great comfort at the time). Both in their nature as well as how I’ve dealt (been dealing) with them. I’ve been targeting my distress not necessarily through deep contemplation and forging my own path but trite, reactionary decisions and therapy. Memes seem to capture my life. It is, I suppose, what I’ve wanted for a while. But the lack of weight/substance does strike me--not that I’m necessarily unhappy with it, but it is noticed. 

I had a moment recently (it happens often) where I felt as though I had lived my recent years wrong. Too unnecessarily hard in ways that did not amount to much, and just fucked me up a little more than I’d like. They seemed to have set me up for unrealistic expectations. But reading through some of my thoughts, I feel an odd sense of comfort. Even if my thought process from the past is hard to explain to others—and yes, often it is met with deep perplexion and furrowed eyebrows, especially in the crowd I find myself in hahaha—it appears I really felt things and processed them. I do think there is meaning in feeling the full depth of emotions life offers, although I waver back and forth on whether I want to continue to do so for the future, since what’s irrevocably true is that feeling a lot makes life much more difficult. It is still good to know that when I did have pain, even if it’s a blog post that a couple of my loved ones read, I made something beautiful out of it. Perhaps I did make some gold out of pain. 

I feel slightly numb/bored/boring,  if not neutral. I do suppose that is better than feeling distress, which has often been the issue. Amidst the craziness of the world, I suppose this is natural. 

Returning to my current state, some of my favorite songs have been accordingly, extremely mainstream and straightforward. Slow and rhythmic, slight seduction, slight wistfulness, but to a very manageable degree. Subdued emotions all around. Languid desires. The kind you bop to with slightly closed eyelids, maybe do a jiggly dance to alone when deprived of human or sensual contact. These songs seem to be tied more by their melody than their lyrics, which is a bit unusual for me, since I thrive on lyrics and attaching meaning to them. If anything, there’s a bit of a morning vs. nighttime dichotomy. Lazy Weekend morning (Peach- Kevin Abstract and Ace- Noname, Sminom Saba) or deep, flowy evening vibes (Jaded (Feat. Ty Dolla $ign)- Drake and Since Way Back (feat. Drake)- PARTYNEXTDOOR) I don’t resonate with the lyrics of any of these songs, especially not with any sort of depth. But I think that’s how these songs are meant to be listened to. 

 Girls Need Love (feat. Drake) – Summer Walker

Honestly, I'm tryin' to stay focused I just need some dick, I just need some love Girls can't never say they want it Girls can't never say how Girls can't never say now 

You just need some dick with no complications You just need some, you just need some Late night attention, uncondition Fucked up, shouldn't even have to justify I get it, I'm on your side, guys get their way all the time Besides, pleasure not meant for one side You should just do what's best for your mind Girls need love, too, I know

I think this is one of the most seductive songs I’ve heard it a while. So honest and carnal without overdoing it at all (in the style of Trey Songz or something, ahem). Trying to stay focused--so many of us millennials who are busy with life and trying to achieve things, whether it’s self/personal development or career goals. I do appreciate the simple, clear message, and the extremely true point of how girls can rarely say they want something sexually or romantically (and in many other aspects tbh). The response from Drake is amazing, and truly written in the perspective of a woman, which I often find isn’t the case when male rappers/ singers sing about pleasuring women, as they so often do—it’s really often more of a brag on their end than anything. Either Drake is extremely woke or a woman wrote this for him.

The desire here isn’t burning either, it’s understated and subdued. Kind of like an undercurrent. Something on the back of your mind that hits you once in a while, while you living that life being focused and getting shit done. 

Some pretty bits & musings from the other songs, for no particular reason: 

Peach (feat. bearface, Joba & Dominic Fike)- Kevin Abstract 

Ayy, she met me, let me fuck in the shower I wrote my number in the mist on the mirror I'm not the type to tell my homies about ya You're not the type to hold me down through the year

I'll be your baby doll and your bodyguard if you tell me to I'll try to make it all not as hard if you let me through

It's all peaches and cream If you left your love I'll be right

What a dear sentiment, sang in an equally casual but sweet and earnest way. The guitar strumming intro is just so perfect for this track. Like the first ray of sunshine in the morning. The first verse reads like an idealized snapshot of a casual relationship, a modern fairy tale if you will. Love the examples Kevin chooses to establish that this is casual--cause it’s fairly true that girls will still tell their friends about something that isn’t serious. All Peaches and Cream, no one getting hurt regardless of the outcome, even though they both enjoy each others’ company. Isn’t it pretty to think so? 

Ace- Noname, Smino, Saba

And my n- is hella pleased and I bought me a better pen so a Bitch she ain't 'bout to write I'm just writing my darkest secrets like wait and just hear me out Saying vegan food is delicious like wait and just hear me out

This one is more of a milky, gray but still happy kinda morning vibe. Also writing my darkest secrets out here (although to a very scant audience). Also just can’t get over how Smino sings: 

Oh when I say I been at the Ace hotel, you gotta tell me somethin' Fuck is you sayin'? Oh let me tell you, I been on the way What you sayin'? I'm making runs

Just so smooth & flowy~ Buttermilk smooth rhythm 

Since Way Back (Feat. Drake)- PARTYNEXTDOOR

Back to deep evening vibes with this one. Didn’t notice how beautiful and deep PARTY’s voice was really. I always figured it was autotuned (which it may be). Just a fun typical song about hot & heavy sexual tension, complete with a little jealousy, resentment, and flirtation with coy percussion and tantalizing beat switch ups. Love the slow, heartbeat like thuds that make up the outro of the song. 

Jaded- Drake 

Ayy, told me about all your insecurities, for what? Dragged me like two hours to your family's house, for what? Said you need some time but I should stick around, for what? Always felt like stickin' 'round's the same as being stuck

Yeah, you played me, you played me, you played me Low down, dirty, shameful, crazy I need to know how the new n- you got does the same thing I do for a living but it's way less wavy In all the pictures that I seen lately Lord knows, you still look amazin' That's besides the point I'm makin'

Oh sweet sweet pettiness. I’ve always loved Drake from the beginning for these moments. Some petty, relatable shade, but always with that sly cheeky smile that compliments the woman he’s in love with, even while telling her she did him dirty. He’s petty in a lovable way, cause you can tell he really doesn’t have malintent, or really that much bitterness. He’s just telling his story, his feels; he knows that that’s just his perspective. As a completely far-fetched tangent, realizing lately that that’s what I really value in people. People who really own their emotions and experiences, but doesn’t believe that they are fact or universal truths--simply your own truth. You can tell that he just loves his women and is processing his romantic trysts. I do think he truly embodies the “it’s all love” mentality for dissipating beef. 

Stickin round’ being the same as being stuck. Such a smooth, pretty line, but don’t think I agree with that. 

Yo Love - Vince Staples, 6LACK, Mereba

And after the eclectic moods and stories of the previous tracks, the one that hits like a smooth night cap of the most enjoyable of treacly liquors, still with a dark kick. Bittersweet, like maybe Baileys with a shot of coffee, or a tawny port. Menacingly romantic. A slightly twisted, crooning lullaby. 

4.23.2020

[gloieee]

Fluctuations

This always happens. I started this blog entry from songs that struck me in late December to January and all that transpired during that month, which seems SO distant now. Let me see how I’ll divide this one up.

Starting with my thoughts back then: I had begun to feel better since my state from the fall, which I would perhaps like to dub “The Lost Season.” I felt more settled, finally starting to be maybe myself. I focused on passing the block, which was looking precarious at this point, and did. Struggled a bit with research, future career direction, trying to decide between pursuing the impossible for motivation vs. not being motivated at all, because I had proven myself incapable of walking that middle ground. Had therapy. Had a relatively lackluster but un-agonizing, relatively enjoyable and stable arrangement that took care of my fix while also preventing me from bad decision-making…for the most part. Guess I had some random, inconsequential sparks to keep me going too. Things were looking more settled and I was filled with determination for the future, at least on the academic front. And then some tiny thing happened, and totally irrelevant to the details, sent me on a spiral down my original trajectory, and I was slightly a wreck in January. As my close friend put it: I was getting R E K T constantly. More therapy. I would fluctuate from a state that seemed like polar opposites—whimsical lightheartedness; some idgaf confidence (rooted in truth, ahem, although it was buried quite deep down); a deep, penetrating sense of loneliness; confusion; some self-frustration & insecurity; and of course, some self-deprecation that pervades my being. But now, looking back, I think what pervades all these songs is a sense of apathy. There is an emotional distance—whether that be from numbness, lack of depth, an aversion to be vulnerable, or lacking the deeper sense of self-confidence/ security in myself. All the emotions were made worse by the fact that I felt shame towards how I was feeling, because it was the first time that these emotions may have stemmed from insecurity.

 So here goes, Fluctuations:

 2/1/2020

Really should not be doing this right now, but I’m already doing it without doing it, so will just do it (which looking back, sums up my approach to this past year).

This mood is so exactly how I feel:

NIKI- Chilly

Rediscovered myself, took back my heart Moved to a new city where I should be restartin' But I just feel nothin' Though something could grow I don't ever let it take root, oh Possibility all round me But I don't give a shit

I feel this about a lot of things, perhaps less than before, but I still have my moments. I’m in medical school, this place that I wanted so much, that some others feel so dedicated to and excited about, but sometimes I feel like I don’t give a shit.  As I’ve noted, I feel as though a lot of my old crosses and struggles are returning. The new glitz of LA has worn off, and I’m unfortunately just me.

December's feelin chilly Takin' shots at the club to warm up and distract me from feelin empty Every now and then I would remember how you made me feel Oh, desolation and thrill 

Nostalgia. That longing for the past. “every now and then” it does happen. I did take a lot of shots, and although it does warm me up in several ways, I’m not sure how often it distracts me from feeling empty.

To hell with "other halves" That's bullshit, I'm already whole alone That don't mean that I wanna be alone Tangled bodies to reset my heart but it just won't

I resonate with this so much. It reminds me of what Jo March says in the new Little Women film: “Women have minds and they have souls as well as just hearts. They’ve got ambition and they’ve got talent as well as just beauty. I am so sick of people saying that love is just all a woman is fit for. I’m so sick of it! But—I am so lonely.” 

Do you ever think about me? When she ain't around, is your bed cold without me? There ain't nothin' for me out here I'll stop asking questions, you take care

But of course, despite the queries, I know I should just stop asking questions and say take care and walk away. I’m getting a bit better with it definitely. But still not fully there.

 ______________________________________________________________________

Lyrics-wise, Jessie Reyes & JRM - Imported resonates deeper with me, but my unending love for 6lack prevented me from foregoing that one. Jessie is the lead in this first track, and I am* the lead of my life, so… And of course, my bank account isn’t looking mighty fine AT ALL, so that was an immediate eliminating factor. 

Jessie’s voice is always laden with emotion, and there’s a penetrating pang, a sultry intensity to everything she’s saying. This song was the most accurate encapsulation of my state in Dec-Jan. I was trying to be better, to put myself in situations where I didn’t feel REKT afterwards, or in more refined terms, not feel immense distress. Yet, deep down I wanted to. I so loved making bad decisions—giving into that impulsive desire, stirring shit up in a slight way. It felt more true to myself in the moment. 

Hi, my name is Doesn't Matter I like making bad decisions Let's wake up like nothing happened If we do it, say we didn't   You, you're in love with somebody else Maybe I could offer some help Get over them by getting under me   Hi, my name is not important I'm not from here, I'm imported I drink liquor like it's water Hope my liver can afford it I've been lying here, I'll be lying here I'm under the covers Like what happened here ain't nothing sacred Shit that got me fucked up is I know that dude just saw me naked

In some moments, this embodied the kind of interaction I wanted, or at least, felt right to me at the time. I love how this song captures the hallmarks of casual interactions, with a twist. Your name doesn’t matter, you wake up without any emotional attachments, unaffectionate, like something in between friends to acquaintances to strangers, as if nothing happened, despite a level of intimacy that was shared the night before. Despite popular opinion, it really couldn’t matter less that they’re in love with somebody else. You want to help them, not by becoming “the one”, but by replacing them physically, helping to forget for a night. Nightly trysts can be meaningful for sure, but there really isn’t anything sacred about this one. You’re over here worrying about superficial things like how this dude saw you naked rather than about how your capacity for emotional connection and depth could have been compromised.

Imported into someone else’s life in so many more ways than one; lying on so many more ways.

Of course, behind the chill, callousness of it all, there is a grain of realness:

Not interested in a broken heart But who'd a thought it'd take me ages? I ended up here 'cause my girls said "Fake it 'til you make it"   I can tell you fucked up over Someone else you can't replace, and You finally realized That broken love just ain't worth saving You tryna lick the wounds But someone's not reciprocatin'

We aren’t trying to get feelings involved, but there’s a lingering shadow of how this all began. Fake it till you make it. But who’d have thought these pseudoscars would last as long as they did?

The last bit didn’t resonate much with me personally, surprisingly, but this is often how it goes in the realm of casual interactions. Glimpses of it in people of the emotionally unavailable kind, in that invariably tipsy, vulnerable pillow talk stage. The stuff that makes you defensive or overthink the next morning. 

What I love about this one is that cheeky side-eye, that nod of confidence that co-exists with the uncertainty and vulnerability. You do want to keep it on the dl, you don’t want any of the emotional attachment, but also, you know you got it, you aren’t gonna hide it if it comes down to it and you know they still might get hooked:

Let's wake up like nothing happened If we do it, say we didn't If your friends ask if you hit it You can tell 'em, I'll admit it I wear that shit like a badge 'Cause I know that I got that kitty   Get over them by getting under me But you might OD if you get too much of me

Such a seductive song that doesn’t try to at all, just a perfect blend of playful, crude, casual and real.

Zooming in on that badass sense of confidence, Ella Mai- Sauce comes in with a truly saucy bop on knowing your true worth, and being ready to drop anyone who don’t get it. We aren’t with you cause without them life sucks, we’re choosing to be with them, and they can be unchosen if they can’t handle the flavor. There’s always a fear of being too much for a lot of people, including myself—too emotional, too intense, too clingy, too crazy etc.—and Ella owns her everything, and puts the boys in their place:

Don't get emotional   So I'd rather let you know Even though, I'm good without you I'm fucking with you regardless And if that's gon' hurt you Least you can say is I'm honest Good things don't always get to you the way that you want it   I'm good without you but I'm fucking with you regardless So tell me if it gets too much Tell me if you bit too much Sorry that you can't keep up You're looking like you bit too much Boy, act right 'cause it's cool There's too much sauce in the food for you Too much sauce I got too much sauce, sauce   It takes a strong man, strong shoulders You gotta level up if you want this (stop)

When you got these broad shoulders, def need one with strong shoulders as well. 

But despite the UMPHHH about ourselves that rules deep down, we all still have our fleeting, very millennial moment of weakness, I’d like to think. I love how light Quinn XCII & Chelsea Cutler are—they capture those blurry nights with one too many drinks when you’re on your phone feeling nostalgic and emotional, feel those questions bubbling up that you don’t know the answers to and actually shouldn’t.

Why are we frayed at the edge, it's making me feel all to blame I wanna know what's the deal Where have you been and what do you think of me? Is there a new girl silently screaming your name?   Why am I still holding on? I'm still holding on And I'm way too honest and you make me want it Why are we at such a distance? Find ourselves so out of frame Why are we drifting away from everything we wanted to save?

You want to hit up that one person from that one inconsequential but also kinda meaningful fling, or whatever gets you going. The song captures how you KNOW you shouldn’t, that it won’t amount to anything, but yet you give in from time to time. You know you should move on and are frustrated for not, but yet here you are.

It's old news, I should look for better Falling back to strangers, leave me hanging on Flare guns go off in my head, saying not to call you this late Still I dial those numbers every time Why do I replay those messages that you left at the tone last May? Slowly wishing you were never mine

The melody is upbeat and reminiscent of one of those somewhat last song moments at the bar when the music is winding down, the lights are on the verge of turning on, and you’re lightly sweaty and have that faded moment of compromised reality. It’s an inherently not-too-serious, universal emotion, still sung with a small, perhaps very slightly wry, smile on your face.

Niki’s Chilly hones in on this moment of weakness, but a more grounded, sober version. In retrospect, I think this was the most traditionally me song of the bunch, just cause I am a very moody girl at heart (mgp 5eva). Niki’s subdued voice is perfect--you can tell she’s not just indulging in an emotional moment and that it’s just straight up observations. She cares a lot still, but less about about that person she’s missing and more about the fact that that person has (partly) led her to feeling numb, and that she somehow hasn’t left that state.

But I ain't bitter, babe I've moved on, I just hate That nothing blooms since you

She points out an important distinction—you can move on from the person but not from the state that that person put you in. You can tell she’s fully aware of everything that’s happening, that she perhaps even knows what to do to get out of it, but can’t fully muster up the energy or that impetus to actually do so.

The most out of place song in the bunch, but I was intrigued by the progression of infatuation to love and a belief in that love over time, and to eventually walking away from something that you knew was so good for you:

Isaiah Rashad feat Syd- Silkk da Shocka 

You give me all that you got

You make it stretch it and flip I fell in love with your thighs I learned it's more than your hips You know I'm caught in my vibe But I still give you my rib You hear them callin' my name But know it's hard for me here

I'm left at home by myself I chose the world in the end I say you know I'll be back You try your best to pretend I say you all that I want And when I make it, it's real I hear 'em callin' my name It's gettin' hard for me here

To know you love me It's rare to know you love me But yeah I know you love me It's rare I know you love me

There’s an enticing smoke and cloudiness that shrouds this track—you can feel the regret peeking out despite his compromised state, but of course, he doesn’t let himself fully realize that he made a mistake. He ends with a garbled monologue that shuts the whole thing down:

Feel so hollow unless you're usin' narcotics See I don't wanna be here if I don't gotta My weed habit so close to snortin' powder Got a few bitches but it's only bout a dollar Feel so hollow unless you're usin' narcotics See I don't wanna

And just after the self-indulgent haze of smoke, that early moment when you realize you’re indulging in something to numb the emotions, we’re fully in back our high and back to whimsical, light fun to forget all the Debbie downer bits. Might as well indulge in some steady, reliable fun if things can’t be inherently resolved yet:

Taylor Teyana feat Kanye West - Hurry

Keep your eyes all on this fatty If you like what you see take your hands and grab it Hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry Late night get like all this real magic Ride it automatic till the sun come up, ooh Early, early, early, early

Every time she round, she get treat like the sidekick Until that side chick went and got some side dick

And after all the shits and giggles, the fun and games, there comes a time when you realize you need a change and that you’re ready for it—you’re ready to jump out the window. Big Sean, who I lowkey love for his lyrics—which seem just cheesy enough to be real—captures this state so well. It’s matter of fact, no buts, no fronting. This song felt like partly where I was at, partly something I needed to hear. Sometimes I’m Big Sean, sometimes I’m the girl he singing to. Honestly, despite him saying he doesn’t want to turn this into therapy, it felt like one—a necessary pep talk almost. He does it in a non-condescending, casual way. Some particular kernels of knowledge:   

We already wasted too much time And your time is the only thing I wish was mine   Know ya momma didn't raise you to take no disrespect, yeah I feel like real queens know how to keep the game in check, yeah You cried on my phone the whole night That time he crossed the line yeah, yeah, yeah (Oh I was there) I went to straighten his ass out And you told me never mind yeah   The question isn't, "Do he love ya?" The question is, "Do ya love yourself?" You give the best advice to your friends and not take it for yourself   You been up at night, sleep deprivation What's the hesitation? What's ya reservation? You been trippin', trippin' with no destination You need separation, you need recreation   Look, Funny we ran into each other while we leaving You walked in with a perm And now yo hair look like The Weeknd's I know that you been needin' clarity Don't mean to sit ya down and turn this into therapy But you gave too much time to that boy charity, hear me

As someone who had just gotten a perm that was slightly difficult to control post-shower, had run into a lot of people, and definitely needed both clarity and therapy, this bit did kill me a little. Hoping mine didn’t look too much like the Weeknd’s though.

He still keeps it relaxed and light enough for us to swallow the medicine: 

I don't mean to sound like the jealous type But you oughta know (oughta know) I think me and you should get together sometimes On the low low low (on the) Sometimes I wonder if you even know How much you worth, I gotta know   Remember when you used to come through and hit the Mario Kart And you always picked the Princess I realized you was princess Way back then we the best thing that never happened, but

And an ironic song to cap it off. Mahalia- I Wish I Missed My Ex. Sometimes it’s easier to have someone to miss.

4.10. 2020

[gloieee]

Times Flies ?

Time is flying by so fast. Things feel like an eternity ago, yet at the same time, I can’t believe it’s the end of November, that it’s been 4 months since med school started, that it’s been [X weeks/ months] since some other big event in my life (which 2019 has been FILLED with). It seems time is going by faster than ever. I wonder if I’ve written about this before. Since 2018, life has just zipped by.

Belated interjection from 11/29, *To a certain degree I feel as though 2019 has been the most dynamic year for me, yet also one with the most internal changes. At least, the internal changes don’t necessarily line up with the external changes that have happened. They’ve been ironically out of sync—mundane, farcical events have led to large scale, disproportionately catastrophic changes in my values and life decisions. With all the emotions I’ve been feeling, I’ll likely write more on how I feel about 2019 later (once I (hopefully) pass my block and head back home for 2 weeks), but I will say, contrary to how I’ve felt at certain points, it’s been a great year. It’s funny to say it, because I do think I feel this way because my years prior sucked so much—thinking back to the years (literally) of one medical crises after another, romantic tragedies and toxicities, extreme uncertainty, horrible living situations and insane schedules, and emotional losses, I do think my Korean “3 years of Catastrophe” (although it felt like slightly more) has truly passed. And it feels damn fucking good. What happened this year seems more-or-less natural, normal tribulations of a mid-twenty something-year-old grad/med student with a lot of feelings, and I am so very grateful for that. (If I pass this final, which I’m genuinely afraid for for the first time in my life), I really do think everything will be fine.

In theme with the rush of time, the songs I’ve been listening to lately have been more about the vibe than the lyrics; more of an intense, fleeting sentiment rather than a deep, heavy rumination of the lyrics.  It’s been the kind of songs that zip by as you just bop your head running errands (or more rarely, study) or do some silly squiggly dances to as you rush to a social gathering/ meeting that will inevitably wreck you. Which is in a bit of a contrast to my previous posts. I think it makes a lot of sense given my state of mind. This is really the way I prefer myself to be—although, it’s hard for me to maintain long-term. Unfortunately, I’m often in this state only when I’m not dealing with real things, or issues of consequence in my life. But maybe one day, I’ll feel light and superficial even as real shit occurs. Not sure whether I want that, but just saying, maybe.

I was exalted when I discovered myself singing These Days by Mike Stud in my head, cause my very rare (if I do say so myself), horrible taste in a random ass song hits again. It brings me such giddiness. It’s Girls Love Beyonce and Drake 2.0. I don’t know if “Stud” is his real last name, but the brute tackiness and appropriateness of the name makes me snort. This song, which strikes me as having very low production value, maybe unironically, sums up “these days” for me very well. I love how non-committal he is, how he contradicts himself constantly, how he sounds like he’s just singing from a makeshift home studio in a garage that doubles as a bedroom cause it has a mattress on the floor, but is still so confident with it.

These Days- Mike Stud

Hell nah I ain't sleep today but I'mma be okay Miss my family on the east, but fuck it I can't leave L.A (It’s funny how I also miss my family on the east, just so much further)

Like, what's next, what's that, what's up I just wanna chill, drink, smoke, fuck Somehow you hot as hell but still cold as fuck

Bad bitch my only type, independent too, get it boo Just promise me you won't let all the bullshit they say get to you

I've been doing great I guess I can't complain I don't think about yesterday Every move is calculated, this shit ain't no guessing game

How many come ups until it's destiny How many come ups until it's meant to be I hear them talking, that don't get to me That ain't shit to me, same dude, different dream This is me

If you really wanna know, these women, man they come and go Cause one minute she's the one, the next you really never know

With so many things, I feel like they come and go. Time has been crazy, and it’s really beginning to feel like I’ll just really never know what’s in store. Not in any dramatic or negative way. I think before, when life was throwing shit curveballs, I (may have) thought once that stopped happening, I might be in a “stable place.” At least, I yearned to have some certainty in life. I’m realizing that my life is pretty stable for the first time ever, but that there still isn’t too much certainty. At least, I’ve been strongly yearning for certainty yet again these past few weeks and months (albeit in a different way than before). I’ve been thinking so much about my future, my career, my relationships for a while, and it struck me how little I know about what I want. Or how often what I want changes, but also doesn’t. It’s the most bizarre thing. I guess that’s the definition of “one minute [he/she/it] is the one, the next you really never know.” BUT, I think I’m becoming okay with that.

Another theme that has been recurrent is, I want to be bad lately (I suppose), as Mike and Still both elude to. But not actually bad—I think healthier in some regards, but bad from certain perspectives. It’s an arbitrary definition of “bad” though. I’ve always embraced being “bad” to a certain degree. As Mac says in Dunno: “She do whatever she like, and that just don’t seem right. Make people so mad, they want it so bad.” Now that I think of it, bad is such an interesting word to me. I feel like I’ve had a lot of thoughts about this before, that I can’t quite retrieve. I feel so much more emotionally stable inside though. Maybe that’s the definition of being bad to the core though, doing better when you’re doing objectively “worse” things. I’ve been feeling a bit like I have to let myself be bad to be good in certain regards—get shit done even if I don’t truly want to, try to explore these careers in a practical way, find an appropriate in. Be selfish about my time, let myself compartmentalize my indulgences to concentrated more intense, non-committal, millennial highs. There’s a certain duality to my days lately.

(But as an aside, I do think that when I’m single I’m less “wholesome.” It’s a bit of a disturbing thought, but I am less disciplined for the right reasons, less earnest for the right reasons. I always have more cravings for vices. It’s very odd because, it’s not at all like the people I’m with have less vices and prevent me from doing things, nor is it that they have SO many that I feel the need to be their savior. I just genuinely don’t think of it as much. I don’t think I’m less happy when I’m not in a relationship, since being in a relationship has often brought with it such heavy, distressing concerns, but I seem to indulge in things that I def don’t feel like I need when I’m in a relationship. I don’t like the connotations of this, but I’m noticing it so much that I’m single and also living alone again. Maybe it’s not just romantic relationships but the idea of a deep, somewhat binding relationship—since I didn’t feel this when I was in Korea. But then again, the options to indulge were much less in Korea. Honestly, I’m probably fine, I just overthink my “vices,” when they are entirely at a manageable level—but who am I kidding, I overthink always.)

A lot of the songs I’ve been listening to are disjointed, slight stream of consciousness, with a funky, breezy melody. Prime example Habit- Still Woozy:

I could let you have it You could be my habit You could be my woman, right I don't want you havin' My little one She is so bad Bad as the sun Well she break me then I fall I don't know the half of it anymore Yeah well, I could give a fuck about you She can get whatever she need Every time that she looked at me You know I felt weak in my knees

Funny how “still woozy” has been my dual state alongside (recently) extremely focused these past few weeks. I don’t really know what he’s talking about, but I vaguely vibe with it. Habits, I’ve been thinking about them a bit again. Some habits I want to break, some I’m starting up again. Sometimes I feel like I just replace one habit for another—and despite the textbooks, I think it’s very effective for me. Don’t we all need a habit? (throwback to Andre and his “habit to call”) But maybe I just don’t know the half of it anymore, and I’m saying nonsense. Despite my conclusion-less thoughts, I also could hardly give a fuck; they could really get whatever they need, it wouldn’t bother me. Finally is a strong word, but for lack of a better word I feel like finally, I’m in a good state of not caring too much; I’m just vibing and enjoying and appreciating some things in a measured way.

Too High (feat. Jesse)- Goody Grace

I love ridin' through the city with you Hear you talk about your silly issues, oh You drive me wild, oh—oh And babe, I wanna smoke and Fall asleep on your floor Tell me if you're alright Did I get ya too high? Your dad would kill me if he knew what we were doin' babe And if he finds us, I swear I won't have a clue what to say

I don’t really resonate with any of the lyrics in this song (well not any—I guess I don’t resonate with the sentiments of the song) but for some reason was listening it to it on repeat. I love the slow, distinct strums of the intro, it just hits a chord with me. I love their voices, especially when they sing “Your dad would kill me if he knew what we were doin' babe”. This line always makes me chuckle, cause I think of my own father, and totally do agree that that’s how he would feel about a lot of things in my life (he’s such a wonderful, kind man though, bless his heart—who I’m beginning to appreciate so much more as I grow older). They sound just so genuinely sweet and earnest as they talk about wanting to smoke with this girl they really like, which I think is such an endearingly gen Z combination. I can really tell how much he wants to smoke (with this girl) through his soulful falsetto and there’s something so comforting about a vice being so casual and sweet. Something so incredibly light about it. So little consequences. So not serious, such fleeting genuineness, and I really appreciate that right now.

Switching it up to something a bit more serious and moody, Girls in the Suburbs Singing Smith Songs (feat. G Eazy) by Goody Grace. (Lol at G-Eazy, I do like his songs but I just can’t ever take him seriously. His lyrics are just so corny a lot of the time, like middle school standard of cool). I’m quintessentially and literally a girl in the suburbs singing Smith songs on the regular, so I do feel a little targeted.

She don't hit me up anymore, no Things that were fun just ain't fun anymore, no Six in the morning I know I should go home But I'm High as fuck and the clock's screaming tick-tock Girls in the suburbs singing Smiths songs I know that it's wrong I don't know what I'm doin, but

I love how he admits that he knows singing Smith songs in the suburbs is wrong, haha. Indeed, it’s one of those activities that seem innocuous but are totally not. It’s never good if you’re belting to the Smiths as they sing Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now. And the Pixies (drunk off whiskey). I do it all the time of course. I love how new-age/throwback emo this song is.

Maybe one day it'll all make sense But I just don't know when And it feels like the end And all of my friends Said That I should get my mind off of the wrong things (I should probably tear off all my heartstrings You can’t pull them no more) Maybe one day it’ll all make sense

This is also such a real, emo sentiment that I’ve felt and feel so often. All of my friends. Too many of my friends. I do love how there’s really no conclusion to what he’ll actually do. All conjecture, because that’s really how it be most of the time. Maybe, maybe one day it’ll all make sense.

While we’re on this path of somewhat heavy inquiries, this song was my one and only for a while a few weeks back, again without any clear reason. Again, listening to the vibe of a song without really caring about the lyrics, except with the opposite emotional valence from the other songs on this playlist

Skydive II (feat. 6lack)- Boogie

You pull up with no warning, uh This the season for us growing Let's go deep in the unknown then, uh But by evening we'll be mourning You leave me with no warning, uh Look at you lettin' the cold in No, I ain't movin', I'm frozen, No, I ain't bitter, I'm broken, At least you could give me a warning

Mother of my skies, why you always gotta intervene? Father of my time, don't you got some more to give to me? Anything, anything

You clouded my judgment, uh Talkin' bout stayin' in I blame you for being petty and Tellin' me pull up when you ain't ready and All the dates that you didn't bed me But we don't go 'cause The going out get weird and Come to the understanding We can't overcome them fears, with Without them to start clear (Haha)

But how will I know if I fell in love? You're making it cold Could've sent me a text alert Could've lit off one of them little red flares, smoke in the air Somebody somewhere noticed the color Heart starts to stutter, flutter Mother, sky, I'm listening to Young Gunna

Ugh 6lack strikes again. His lines don’t even make sense most of the time, but I feel like I get it exactly, like he gets it exactly. “Mother of my skies, why you always gotta intervene?/ Father of my time, don't you got some more to give to me?” This reminds me of Biking by Frank Ocean. Bargaining with God or some larger being, except less intensely so. Just a little exasperation—along the lines of saying “could’ve sent me a text alert,” “tellin me pull up when you ain’t ready.” It’s the more casual, less serious version of Biking, and that’s exactly how I feel (embodied by that laughter after stating something serious). I feel like this song has been a lot of this year for me—constantly conflicting sentiments and progression of events (you pull up with no warning, we say it’s time for some growing and so we go deep in the unknown, but then you leave with no warning). But I ain’t bitter; tis still the season for us growing. I love how there’s again no real conclusion—the song literally ends abruptly, calling upon those higher beings and telling them they’re just listening to Young Gunna. I guess that’s literally me—all these thoughts and fleeting realizations, but at the end of the day I’m just listening to some tunes.

All I really got is Georgia on my mind, not really anything else. Georgia by Kevin Abstract is a little more similar to Still Woozy. A little stream of consciousness, fast pace, disjointed tidbits.

I got Georgia on my mind, ain't nobody left behind It's just me, my team, my weed, my baby's Audi parked outside Call my mom and let her know that everything is alright

Smoke and fuck, we high as hell We gon' love each other, we let the night derail Only time will tell, I'm under your spell I lay on your chest, you wonder what's next I love when you breathe, it make me reflect

I'd get my ass whipped, I learned my lesson

Smoke and fuck, I do let the nights derail a lot, I reflect. Not exactly as Abstract says, but I guess some similarities. I do call my mom and let her know that everything is alright. And I do really think it is. I definitely got my ass whipped, for sure. Hopefully I’ve also learnt my lesson too.

I finally found peace, I suck when I get it I see worth in myself, I won't run away again I'm prayin' for my friends, they prayin' this won't end But I know it does, just like all things In the end, it's just me and my mood swings

The conclusion is hilarious and amazingly apt. I do suck when I find peace sometimes. Good things and bad things all end, just like all things. In the end, it’s just me and mood swings!!! Has anything summed me up more?

Netflix and Dusse- Smino

I got a pizza on the way, bae, bae I'm tryna lay, lay Lil' lady, ayy, I brought a bouquet of the treefer And I'm feelin' like we should d-d-duck away Netflix and Dusse And if I do say so myself, that ass a creature

She make me-e-e-e-ee-e-e-e-e-----

Shawty text that, "Come swoop Better yet come soon

Yah-ga-da-be-da-mm-dye (dye, dye-dye)

Last but not least (or actually yes), an honest funky bop of how I feel. He’s basically just making funny noises and that’s me all the time. I’m so so into Smino again. He’s so smoke and chill and be funky and silly that I’m getting the wrong rep from some people, but I can’t help but be into his perfect mix of moody vs. chill vs. vibey. This absolutely inconsequential fun dissipates the confusion & seriousness & (sorta) peace of the previous tracks. It’s a tongue-in-cheek palate cleanser, and it’s exactly how I’m living my actual days.

11.26.2019/ 11.29.2019

[gloieee]

So it Goes

I’ve been having really good days. But I’ve been discovering more of Mac Miller lately and he wrenches heartstrings in so many ways. I resonate with him so hard in certain aspects. It’s uncanny.

10.12.2019

So interesting that I was feeling this way 10.12. 2019 haha. I doubt it was that day, since I was floundering in my essay editing. But maybe it was--maybe I just thought Mac Miller was beautiful enough to take a day off from my “business” writing. I have a feeling it was 10.15. 2019 vaguely. Likely was still having some very good days then.

Life is always a roller coaster and I appreciate it, I suppose. I remember distinctly loving “So it Goes,” but not having a way to connect it to how I felt then. It’s ironic how I feel like this song matches up the most to how I feel now. Slaughterhouse Five, Kurt Vonnegut, literature, one of my first loves. So it goes. I resonate with this one so deeply right now that I think i’ll indulge myself and break it down step by step.

So it Goes- Mac Miller

You could have the world in the palm of your hand You still might drop it So it goes

I love how he highlights how precarious satisfaction, happiness, and fulfillment can be. Although there’s a sadness to dropping something that was in the palm of your hand, it reminds me that every moment is precious. Every time you feel the world there, in your hand, it’s such a blessing. It’s a gentle perch rather than something to seize. The “so it goes” reminds me that that’s maybe how it’s supposed to be. It wasn’t a mistake on my end to drop it; maybe there never was a way I could have forced it to stay there—it’s just the way it goes. And even if I’m just completely self-justifying losing things, so it goes.

And everybody wanna reach inside your pockets I tell 'em "red light, stop it" Shit, that give me more headaches than alcoholics

Hm, I bring more flavor than all the seasons Winter, spring, summer, fall, the grass is always greener 'til I cut it all Please leave me to my studies, I give you no applause My hands been countin' money, and it's hard to be the boss But somebody gotta do it (it gets so exhausting) Often with the bullshit, but, baby, I been through it Enough for the both of us So come over later and we won't let no one close to us We could be posted up Yeah

So it goes It's like, in every conversation, we the topic This narcissism, more like narcotics So it goes

Everyone knows it’s a huge statement if I say something gives me more headaches than alcoholics. I do feel like some people are reaching inside my pockets, more often than I would like. I’m giving too much. It’s odd cause I always do say “red light, stop it,” yet there must be something about myself that makes it seem like a green light. The grass is always greener till I cut it all--this sounds so much like me that I can’t even. Maybe that’s why. Def don’t appreciate how it seems like I’m the one that’s going through the bullshit, more than one person’s share. But maybe it just is the narcissism that makes me think like this.

My eyes on the enterprise Nine lives, never die, fuck a heaven, I'm still gettin' high Never mind, did I mention I'm fine 'Cause her pussy gettin' wetter when the weather dry Clementine, peelin' off and everyone get left behind I'm only 5'7'' 'cept I'm feelin' like I'm 7'5"

No relaxing, kicking back, this ain't exactly in the plan I can't get no satisfaction, goddamn They sayin' I been gone too long I could just tell 'em fuck you, but that come on too strong My god, it go on and on Just like a circle, I go back to where I'm from

I love Mac Miller’s confidence (even when he’s down). I feel it too. Yet, despite all of that of course, it never goes as planned. It’s hard to be truly happy in your choices. I haven’t been good with choices this past year or so. Guess this past year, I had choices for the first time in a while. Oddly, even though I’m consciously trying to make intentional, balanced decisions, still my god, it does go on and on, just like a circle, I’m back to where I’m from. 

Been listening to some random songs on my spotify radio, alongside my main man Mac Miller, and it’s hilarious how serendipitous it is. Fell in Love with a Girl- The White Stripes followed by Over- Syd feat. 6lack. This kinda stuff makes me laugh out loud. The most impulsive love song ever, reflected in form by how fast-paced and short the song is. It’s perfect. 

Fell in love with a girl

I fell in love once and almost completely She's in love with the world But sometimes, these feelings can be so misleading "Come and kiss me by the riverside, yeah Bobby says it's fine, he don't consider it cheating, now. Can't keep away from the girl These two sides of my brain need to have a meeting Can't think of anything to do, yeah My left brain knows that all love is fleeting

It’s hilarious cause Bobby more often than not totally does think it’s cheating. I’ve loved this song since 2015 and it’s one of those songs that leaves such an impression each time I hear it. One of those forever bops. 

I’m realizing a lot of these random songs I was listening to without really looking at the lyrics were apt in some way. It’s almost as if Spotify now predicts my life, which is some black mirror shit right there. Some petty, fleeting tidbits:

Over- Syd feat. 6lack

Safe to say, I was right You was wrong, that's okay Why would you agree if you ain't build for the drama? I know when shit ain't right You can act if you wanna, girl I don't wanna say too much And I don't wanna make assumptions But lately I've been giving no fucks We don't know what we doing love How we gon' look for help when you don't know yourself?

(As an aside, realizing that 6lack is actually amazing. I thought he was just gonna be a temporary mainstream dude with “Ex Calling” and “PRBLMS” but East Atlanta Love Letter really makes me rethink him as an artist. He says it straight and I don’t even think he’s fronting, which is amazing.)

I did fluctuate between random moments of feeling all these things, albeit of course, very briefly and not as intensely as perhaps these lyrics denote. And yes they’re petty.  But it’s more a sentiment than an actual feeling:  

Loner- Kali Uchis

I just gotta put it out there And maybe it's not deliberate And I know you never asked me I don't want to be an option But if you don't want me now No, boy, I don't want you later Don't try to come and eat with me

Superficial Love- Ruth B.

You're really cute I must admit But I need something deeper than this Baby if you want me, then you better need me 'Cause I'm so done, not being your number one And if you wanna keep me then you better treat me Like a damn princess, make that an empress

This song is a subtle reminder of course that once I’m ready for something, I should be treated like an empress. We forget that sometimes.

I can feel you on my lips all the time But I just wanna feel you in my heart and on my mind

Actually so interesting cause this song is pointedly not how I feel in some ways. Makes me wonder whether what I want is superficial love. Which leads me to:

The Need to Know- Wale feat. Sza

Tryna keep it low Keep 'em on that need to know Tell everybody that we're just friends But to be honest that platonic shit's for TV shows

I'm not tryna pressure you Just can't stop thinkin' 'bout you You ain't even really gotta be my boyfriend I just wanna know your name And maybe some time, we can hook up We can hang out, we can just chill

Again, this song made me laugh today. A causal relationship maybe should be physical, yet here/there we are/ were. 

I know Fletcher means it more seriously and ironically (for good reason), but at the end of the day, despite all the bits of emotion I feel, in the best sense, it’s all love, in the most truly millennial diffusion-of-conflict way possible (All Love- Fletcher).  And to be honest, whatever this is (cause love is a grossly inappropriate word, just a good filler) is just a feeling (Love is Just a Feeling- Joey Badda$$). I was and am def more in the camp of Stwo and Jeremih, (Neither Do I- Stwo and Jeremih) and Drake currently to begin with, so it’s really all good in the end. 

The Motion- Drake

It's not me and you, it's not me it's you Say you're moving on, well, I guess that's just the motion I guess that's just the motion

Yeah, looking back on it, at least my pride is intact 'Cause we said "no strings attached" and I still got tied up in that Try being with somebody that wanna be somebody else I always thought she was perfect when she was being herself Don't even know how to help, but I guess that's just the motion, yeah She'll probably come around Soon as I settle down, that's the motion Oh-oh, I guess that's just the motion

Definitely have some doubts cause platonic shit’s for TV shows, but internally, I feel more settled. Having let it all out and explored all my petty fleeting roller coaster emotions these past few weeks, ultimately, I feel like it was actually a good learning experience, and a reminder of some things I value about myself. It’s a reminder to keep growing, to keep understanding myself, and to know my worth, which may have been a bit hazy these past few months on so many fronts. It’s hard in the moment, but if I look within myself, this is what I wanted and what I had been saying all along. It’s something I’ve never been able to fully execute before and really wanted to this time around, so I’m excited that that’s finally happening. And at least I do have some soft spots to look back on (If The World Was Ending- JP Saxe, Julia Michaels).

I’m excited to be more myself. So it goes, in the best way.

10.26.2019

[gloieee]

Reminiscence and/or Measured Indulgence

Songs from 10.12.2019. with thoughts from 10.26.2019. So a double reminiscence of measured indulgence.

Nothing from Nothing

Nothin' from nothin' leaves nothin' You gotta have somethin' if you wanna be with me

And I'm not nothin', believe you me Don't you remember I told ya? I'm a soldier But ain't a war that I can see, yeah

Hopefully the war just wasn’t around. But sometimes it feel like people don’t realize they’re in a war, and that wars are less glamorous or grandiose as they thought it’d be. Those are the real ones tho.

Dunno

She do whatever she like And that just don't seem right, yeah Make people so mad, yeah And they want her so bad, hm, well

We was fuckin', almost missed my flight I wasn't even trippin', I said, "It's all right," yeah

You was coughin' when you hit my weed So cute, you wanna be like me Wouldn't you rather get along? Wouldn't you rather get along? Let's get lost inside the clouds And you, you don't gotta work harder girl I can calm you down, yeah

Well I was busy when you hit my phone But you miss me, tell me come back home, yeah You don't really like to sleep alone But I'm takin' too long, I'm always takin' too long

Baby we don't need a trip, we could be right here

Mac and reminiscing go hand in hand at this point. He’s like my parallel boy, who kills me and soothes me more than he should. Doing whatever you like. Making people mad. Almost missing flights. Trying to be like someone, cause you love them, even though both of you know deep inside you really don’t need a trip ever. The missed flight was the trip so much of the time. But yet, always taking too long.

The title casts a bit of doubt on this conclusion, but I’m always hoping, and always grateful:

I think we just might be alright, thank God I think we're gonna be alright, alright, okay Hold me close, don't hold your breath That's really your favorite, I know

2009

I don't need to lie no more Nowadays all I do is shine, take a breath and ease my mind And she don't cry no more She tell me that I get her high 'cause an angel's s'posed to fly, and... I ain't askin' "Why?" no more Oh, no, I take it if it's mine, I don't stay inside the lines It ain't 2009 no more Yeah, I know what's behind that door

Yeah, okay you gotta jump in to swim Well, the light was dim in this life of sin Now every day I wake up and breathe I don't have it all but that's all right with me Take it nice and easy, took a flight to see me

And sometimes, sometimes I wish I took a simpler route Instead of havin' demons that's as big as my house, mhmm

Yeah, they ask me what I'm smilin' for Well, because I've never been this high before It's like I never felt alive before Mhmm, I'd rather have me peace of mind than war See me and you, we ain't that different I struck the fuck out and then I came back swingin' Take my time to finish, mind my business A life ain't a life 'til you live it, I was diggin' me a hole Big enough to bury my soul Weight of the world, I gotta carry my own My own, with these arms I can carry you home I'm right here when you scared and alone, and I ain't never in a hurry You don't ever gotta worry

Maybe one day the weight of the world, my own and yours, can all be carried home. Maybe a true trip isn’t one where we don’t have to go anywhere, but one where I go see me. Peace of mind than war, that’s what we’re hoping for. I’ve already seen a little bit of this—how always taking too long can change into never being in a hurry. (Is that good or bad?) But I’m adding to the hope, forever and always.

10.12.2019/ 10.26.2019

[gloieee]

Odd Beginnings

I’ve been pushing off my desire to write for a while. There’s always something more pressing to do—school stuff, sure, but if I were to open a word document, shouldn’t it be to edit the essays that I’m so behind on? I’ve been writing lots for sure, but never truly for myself. It is the long weekend, and although I’m oddly more behind than I’ve ever been before (I should be done with this week’s review by now), I still feel a sense of leisure. Today was the first day I really just relaxed in my sunlit but dark, nice but old, pleasant but awfully brown room. I had breakfast and coffee, a pancake, some 떡국, did/thought (too much) about decorating, and am running the dish washer for the first time. I lounged in my room listening to music and feeling way too much.

And of course, weirdly, now that I’m about to write, I don’t have much to write about. I feel a little sick—a bit of a cold from all the sleep deprivation.

I feel an ache inside again lately. An ache that I can’t put words to anymore. I read back on some of my old stuff, and it’s a lot for sure, but also, jarring. It’s been a hot second—was about to say—but then realized it hasn’t been. It’s literally been a year. But it feels like a hot second. I am numb in certain ways. It’s shocking to realize how much so. Random snapshots:

Money Power Glory �� Lana Del Ray

Lana may have written this satirically, but increasingly this is exactly how I feel at times. I feel it in a strange surge as I sit in a room full of people who seem relaxed yet not, backgrounds that seem intensely different from mine when in fact, they were likely very similar. I feel it as I stand there, listening to an explanation I don’t understand, but nodding intensely enough that the instructor asks me if I have a question, even without raising my hand. It’s odd—I don’t do anything about it for sure—I’m not studying very hard. I feel less smart than I’ve ever. Yet it’s there, a toxic kinda feeling, sitting in the pit of my stomach. Weirdly, I feel like there isn’t really anything for me except achieving those three things. I just want it and seem to want nothing else. It’s something I’ve never felt in my life, and it makes me laugh sometimes, but that doesn’t change the fact that I do want it. Leaving my alma mater, I feel like I belong there more than ever before.

I wanna be a great one I wanna be a great one I wanna make a million dollars Making all my days count What is life? What is love? What are lies? What is trust? What is everything? Everything is nothing without you

I wonder if it’s like Jessie Reyez says (Great One- Jessie Reyez). Maybe it’s because I don’t really have the idea of life, love anymore, which where such defining things in my life. It’s what gave me so much meaning and drive. And I’m in a new state than I’ve ever been before. Love and life, those things are just missing. I’ve either been in it or actively eschewed it prior to this. Of course, being in it had many shades and gradiences, but nevertheless I was in it, and when you’re in it, you consider it as a factor in your life. Right now, it’s just not there. No thoughts on it really. Memories, yes; nostalgia, yes; but also, lots of logic. It is what it is. And now that there is no salient life to work-life balance really, I feel like work should be everything. It feels like it could be everything. And maybe I can build life around that work. Maybe. Maybe I can and should have Money Power and Glory.

Cinderella (feat. Ty Dolla Sign)- Mac Miller

Separately from all that though, the nostalgia rings strong and goes all the way back. This one sounds like the summer soundtrack of the past. It’s funny how such a hype song can make you want to cry. Mac makes me cry for more reasons than one.

This hook is crazy, but this bit also literally makes me laugh out loud in public places. Parents really don’t understand sometimes, even though lately, I can see why they wouldn’t. But still. Also, I guess some people knew my taste more than I did.

Daddy told you, better bring your ass home Cinderella better get your ass home Man I swear the parents just don't understand You ain't gotta be old to be a man Take my hand, come with me to my room Girl I got a suite at the SLS I already know you got expensive taste Take my hand, follow me to my room Tell your little friends you gon' be alright Girl I got a plan for the whole night

Small Worlds- Mac Miller

The world is so small 'til it ain't yeah. I found this song as I was about to shower in Korea hidden in my extensive likes playlist on Spotify. I felt this a lot when I was in Korea. The world felt so big. Korea big enough, the US too far. I love this song for unknown reasons, cause it makes my heart ache. Mac makes my heart ache.

I might trip, I never fall God knows I've came close (Don't try this at home) I know I probably need to do better, fuck whoever Keep my shit together You never told me being rich was so lonely Nobody know me, oh well Hard to complain from this five star hotel I'm always in a rush, I've been thinking too much but

I might trip, I never fall. I’m def not at a five star hotel, but I can see how this could be. I bet it might be lonely. But that doesn’t change the fact that I want to get there to feel it.

Come Back to Earth – Mac Miller

I’m hoping that I’ll come back to earth. Thankfully, I don’t have any desire to send texts lately. But I would like a way out of my head.

My regrets look just like texts I shouldn't send And I got neighbors, they're more like strangers We could be friends I just need a way out of my head I'll do anything for a way out Of my head And don't you know that sunshine don't feel right When you inside all day

I am very very very lonely- Chance the Rapper (youtube)

I’m not that lonely, especially tonight. But yet I did file the cabinets and fixed/broke(?) the disha washa. The lyrics may be mundane and even a little sad, but with the playful tune, I think it’s the perfect feeling myself when I’m alone kinda song.

9.1. 2019

[gloieee]

A Mix

So much has happened since I wrote last. Since my actual last blog post (Feb 2018) and my actual last post that I just posted (from May 2018). It makes complete sense why I couldn’t finish up my last one in a somewhat neatly wrapped theme, a bit of a high note that I usually end up at, organically. Writing has always helped me heal, ever since I started writing poetry one day on Microsoft word at age 9—some of which, upon reading, my rather biting classmate/ friend noted was fit for a book titled “black on black.” Yet, last time, I didn’t feel any trace of a high note. I didn’t feel hopeful. I couldn’t embrace the sheer weight of the uncertainty, the heavy resounding emptiness and regret that seemed to express itself in Andre’s songs.

But as the case has been lately, I had to bulldoze through, there were mountains to be climbed, so I slowly crawled out of the pit of Andre and started climbing. One of the songs that motivated me, and captures so well in all forms, how I was feeling, and somewhat continue to feel, is Biking (Solo) by Frank Ocean. I remember this song piqued my interest as I was going at MCAT books for hours at a wonderfully modern and techy, yet warm and homey café. It’s an amazing combination of energy, determination, and external flexing that also reveals a vulnerability, helplessness and oddly, anguish.

And I walk in my sleep, I can't help that (I can't) When's the last time I asked for some help that I couldn't get from nobody else, yeah? I couldn't get from nobody out there (I can't) When's the last time I asked for some help that I couldn't get from nobody else, yeah? Nobody

I don't get weak in the knees Hundreds spread out like a fan

Frank’s voice is so sincere and almost desperate as he implores when’s the last time he’s asked for some help. As I walked home after the café closed on a slightly rainy afternoon, I remember almost bursting into tears at the slightly helpless way he asks this question. The follow up reference to God made me feel like he was almost bargaining with God with this sentence, which I’ve done my fair share of. When I was going through my most horrible pains (which led me to start this blog), completely physically debilitated with no end in sight, I remember feeling exactly like this. I felt as though I had always taken the numerous obstacles that I had been presented with, with as much grace as one could. Especially as a child, I had, in retrospect, an amazingly and incredulously optimistic attitude and did not let even the worst situations get me down. In fact, I had thrived despite my own illness, the illness and terrifying situations of others close to me. Even amidst some other less unique challenges, I felt as though I had always pulled through, in a way that God would see as at least, a little above acceptable; and independent way at that. As I’ve referenced before, I pride myself in my strength, my resilience toward difficulty and obstacles—“I don’t get weak in the knees” (ironically). So I know that feeling of destitution, when it feels like the world won’t cut you even a tiny bit of slack, despite everything you’ve weathered. It seems as though this one time, when you need help from someone outside of yourself, you should be able to get it. I could hear almost a comical sense of resignation in Frank’s voice as he repeats “when’s the last time?” and even throws in a rhetorical “yeah?,” desperate for at least an acknowledgement.

Obviously, what I had been going through when I heard the song was not as intense as what I experienced in the Fall of 16, but pushing a full year of sheer rigor and both planned and unexpected bouts of uncertainty on multiple fronts, I was beginning to feel like what I was trying to do was impossible and farcical, even for me.

Yet, after the slow but short, slightly moody musings, the beat picks up again, because there’s never time to indulge in one’s emotions for too long when it’s still all uphill, which is exactly how I’ve been feeling:

God gave you what you could handle Gave you what you could handle I got the grip like the handle

And I'm bikin' I'm bikin' uphill and it's burnin' my quads (obstacles) Hit the road like a runner Hit the road like Road Runner I'm biking, I'm biking, I'm biking

I’ve been forcing myself to push through, to think later, because there hasn’t really been an option. I remember resisting the idea that “God gave you what you could handle” so vehemently the Fall of 16. I remember feeling spiteful, telling anyone who cared that I can’t handle this, that this will break me, that God can’t fucking expect me to handle all the shit he’s throwing at me. That he went too far with this one. Again, this time, is very different from then--much less severe and also a decision I made for myself rather than one that was thrust upon me. But I would be lying if I said that I didn’t (and don’t) feel a tinge of doubt that I can handle all this, although the darkness is just beginning to clear a bit. I have yielded a bit and decided to fall back on some things now, and to try to feel that it isn’t just me behind the handle. Genius.com—so enlightening—has provided this verse, and rather than falling into a cycle of why me, why my decisions, which I for sure have done in my most difficult moments years past, I’ve decided to try to believe in this:

1 Corinthians 10:13:

No temptation has taken hold of you except what is common to mankind. But God is faithful—He will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you can handle. But with the temptation He will also provide a way of escape, so you will be able to endure it.

It’s interesting that Frank still feels the need to justify that he’s up, that he’s happier, despite having his moments of struggle:

I'm up, mom, I promise In class with the honors No cheat like I'm honest And how did I become so accomplished? 'cause I don't see foes I just see a code I just see a hole Chinks in your armor

This has been me on the regular with my mom about so many of my personal decisions, especially regarding my decision to try to study here, to make a life for myself here, especially in the most difficult path possible for an international. A part of it does definitely seem to be a negative cycle or downside of “achievement,” as my mom has warned me of for as long as I can remember. I think I see code, of course with much less certainty and more internal agony than Frank seems to. (Although this process has given me chinks in my armor, more so than anything else...) In almost every way, I seem to keep choosing what’s even more difficult, so I can only believe that it’s for some higher reason.

In this vein, another song that has touched me deeply is His Pain by BJ the Chicago Kid and Kendrick Lamar. The song speaks of all the tragedies of those around Kendrick--illness, loss, death, so much death. Yet, “good” things keep happening to Kendrick, although he doesn’t deservei it. He picks up a hundred dollars (likely amidst poverty); he misses a car that hits a little boy in the street instead. He says repeatedly as his voice breaks:

I don't know why He keep blessing me I don't know why, I don't know why, I don't know why

Admittedly, it’s not all blessings for Kendrick—there is a deep, deep pain in tragedies happening to those around us and also, a sense of guilt. Why isn’t it me going through the worst consequences? But it’s true in that it is a blessing too, as difficult and futher guilt-inducing as such direct comparisons can be.  

So today I laid in my bed, stared at the ceilin' Closed my eyes, then asked myself how I was feelin' I analyzed on how a saint can play the villain Is my life coincidental or just God willin'? I came to grips, jumped up, looked out the window See my * had that same little boy that didn't know Bullets is nameless, I guess this was meant for Me to give them a hundred dollars then trash my pistol

Now I know why He keep blessing me Now I know why, now I know why, now I know why

So I can bless you So I can bless you

This sick world will drive a sane man crazy Dead birds dropping out the sky // But somehow You keep blessing me But somehow, but somehow, but somehow

This does express well my general sense of gratefulness, despite all my previous (and likely upcoming) complaints on the more daily tribulations, which is much easier to say.  On a more important level, Kendrick and BJ captures something that is still difficult for me to fully verbalize.

It’s hard to express the sadness and multitude of emotions that comes and goes with loss. I’ve thought that it’s not always worth expressing, for myself at least. How does one make sense of something so nonsensical? How does one move on but also remember? I’ve attempted to answer at least some of these questions and am trying to carry some with me, with the hopes that something... something. 

I’ve fallen back on a more deep-seated belief to help me process the emotions. A few songs have helped me deal with it this in the past. (The Sealtbelts- Adieu, unfortunately not on spotify). Although the lyrics are not entirely apt, there is something very real and soothing about so many aspects of this song.

Oh how I love you so Lost in those memories And now you've gone I feel the pain Feeling like a fool Adieu

My love for you Burns deep Inside me So strong Ambers of times we had

And now here I stand Lost in a memory I see your face And smile

And the perfect song to commemorate a true star who made everyone’s life brighter. (Corinne Bailey Rae- Like a Star).

7.22.2018