gloopyblobs
gloopyblobs
bloop.
31 posts
Don't wanna be here? Send us removal request.
gloopyblobs · 5 years ago
Text
I think it’s been such a long time since I’ve sat down and fully sat in silence with You that... I’ve felt more distant than I ever have from You.
With the current circumstances and not being able to go to church- somehow or rather I’ve found myself often distracted and unable to focus on You and You alone, despite the increased solitude.
I’m Tired. Broken. Scared. I don’t really know how to acknowledge or process all I have experienced in the last 4+ months- but I know I can still rest easy in Your hands.
So far Your grace has carried me.
2 notes · View notes
gloopyblobs · 6 years ago
Text
One Heart’19
It’s been a while, and it seems rather fitting that I should be doing this here. Interestingly, this year’s camp high/PCD hasn’t been particularly strong. 
2019 hasn’t been easy, it’s been one filled with much wrestling and emptiness, and I think now I am finally ready to admit that somewhere along the way I lost the plot and started going down the path of disbelief. The lack of emotions and feeling in church was gut-wrenching but I now see it was necessary for my faith in Your provision and goodness to strengthen.
I’m not exactly getting anywhere during my meetings with Amanda, it is as though there is a subconscious barrier that prevents me from being open and vulnerable enough to tell her the truth without feeling the need to downplay/sugarcoat things. That was particularly rough- I knew she had good intentions, but there was always this feeling that I wasn’t able to give as much in return. It’s hard to know this and yet not be able to tell her how I really felt; and the statement of “I think you’re okay” and my response after was as close I’ve come to actually telling her how I felt. Hopefully sooner than later I will be able to overcome this... confusing portion. 
I feel as though I didn’t enter camp with any expectations, but as I now search the depths of my soul I knew that at that time I was in desperate need of a breakthrough/revival. I was in great need of answers to my situations and questions, and while I had that desire I still doubted whether or not You would give me any sense of direction. And You did. 
I fear the path I would’ve taken if You hadn’t spoke life into me again. I was that close to giving up hope entirely on SJSM as a whole, but I now know that was not what You intended. Ps. Ian said it wouldn’t be easy at all to give this tribe another chance, but I have renewed faith and assurance that You will be there with me through it all. I know that the reversal of all the damage has been done will be hard, but the hardest of all is to forgive. To forgive those who wronged me and to begin to see them as individuals who are all broken- we are all in desperate need for You our living God. I have a feeling that this entire process is going to take a long time (and what Bryan said really resonated) but something has shifted in a good way.
When Ps. Ian talked about healing in that moment, there was a sense of lightness but I did not dare believe it. (Lord really help my unbelief) I hadn’t ever liked to talk about the topic of my brokenness, and now that I think about it the neon sign of the work “BROKEN” was really as though You were telling me that it was truly okay to be broken. I want to accept that yes, You will make all things “OK” in Your time. It was only after through some conversations and interactions that I found myself realising that I no longer harboured a certain sense of abrasion/resentment against certain individuals. Thank You. It’s been a while now that I’ve been able to breathe a sigh of relief, knowing that this burden has been relieved in some part.
On that note, thank You for placing individuals in this camp who have been beacons of Your light. Usually I would not dare to even mention names, but thank You for Liew, Ethan, Jo, Bryan, Nic, Ps. Ian. I really couldn’t be more blessed and grateful in this aspect- sometimes there isn’t a need for a large group of people.
Another thing I want to record down is what Ps. Ian said. He said that “I have a soft and tender heart that accepts people for who they are”. Honestly, I don’t really know how true this is and I do doubt myself sometimes, I know that I can be very judgmental and sharp in my view of others, But maybe as I grow older and mature this will become more evident? But I think I am definitely true to myself... I’ve started taking more action to extract myself from circumstances that go against what I know to be best for me. I really doubted my decision to leave cell due to all the pain and struggle that came with it, but I think I knew it wouldn’t be helping me. 
I am “very giving but also very receiving at the same time”. This is the part I’m apprehensive to believe, it always feels that I have so much more to give but I hold myself back because of my fear of vulnerability; but honestly through camp and having to lead devotions on the second morning has taught me that I am actually more capable and better at this than I previously thought. On the receiving end, I still don’t believe all the time that I’m deserving of any good thing. But I sense that You are once again reminding me of the fact that as Your child, in You I am made worthy. 
Moving forward, I think I do want to reach a point where I am able to speak to people in my cluster freely without any discomfort, maybe I will even be able to look them in the eye. Ultimately, the goal is definitely to reintegrate back into that community; so all I really desire is that You will keep me steadfast and accountable in this journey. As I enter 2020, may I continue to grow in You. 
“Way maker, miracle worker, promise keeper Light in the darkness, my God That is who You are”
0 notes
gloopyblobs · 6 years ago
Text
You seem to be working in great ways in others’ lives- but somehow I don’t feel the same way about myself. There is always the feeling that I’m not good enough.
Others’ experiences are very much heartwarming, and to see how You have delivered them is certainly convicting. Sometimes I can’t feel You, I really can’t. It feels like what I struggle with is nothing in comparison- do You really care?
I struggle to believe that You do. I doubt that You are there for me sometimes. 
It’s been rather tiring lately- I can’t seem to identify what it is; but something doesn’t feel right.
Guard my heart. Give me courage.
1 note · View note
gloopyblobs · 6 years ago
Text
Sixteen
It’s somewhat bittersweet, knowing that today is supposedly one of the more significant birthdays in one’s life; yet I chose to keep it more low-key. (but no regrets)
On one hand, I am thankful for all the blessings; whether big or small that have happened in the past year. For friends made and friendships strengthened, for a greater understanding of who I am in this world I guess. For all the ways I’ve chosen to carry on despite the weight of it all, especially on the days when I thought it was very much the end. For all the ways you have revealed a minuscule facet of Yourself to me- that has impacted me so much more than I could ever believe. This has been the year where I wrestled with my faith the most, and I haven’t (and might not ever) reach a conclusion, but this really has opened my eyes to things previously unseen.
Conversely, there have been so many trying times. For all that happened exactly a year ago on my birthday that caused much hurt/confusion/anger, for all the ways it has impacted me even up till now. For all the sleepless nights and panic attacks; for all the times when I desperately prayed and called out to You, but it seemed like You weren’t there. 
I will never know what the next year holds. I told Jo that maybe one day when I look back I’ll think “Wow. I was really such a loser.” This may or may not come true, but with every year comes new things. New experiences, understanding myself better, growing deeper in my relationship with You. I find that with each passing year as I get older, I am able to look back at the year that passes (especially at camp) and see Your faithfulness, and all the ways which I have grown in my relationship with You. Sometimes in every day life it is hard to see this, but on a larger scale what little progress definitely amounts to something.
So- let this be another year of falling even deeper in love with You. As I always remind myself- You are with me every step of the way. 
0 notes
gloopyblobs · 6 years ago
Text
Freedom
It’s been a while. No matter how much I tried to focus today (with 3 days before my HCL oral I needed to) and get things done, I couldn’t. 
And somehow I felt inclined to listen to a worship set; and for the first time in a long while I felt You. Just your presence washing over me in the form of a tingly warmth as I heard those lyrics with nothing else on my mind. Somehow or rather, the lyrics that hit me the hardest had to do with freedom.  
Who the Son sets free Oh is free indeed I'm a child of God Yes I am
I was surprised really, just as I was telling someone about how I felt trapped in church, that all of my actions were being watched by others. For a long while now that has really stirred up a deep sense of panic within me, that somehow or rather I was being judged for everything I did/did not do. For all the ways I have purposefully avoided talking to someone or approaching someone, out of the fear that someone would be looking at me with disapproval, possibly even disdain. I think I’ve learnt to make myself small, to prevent myself from facing others, especially those who weren’t kind to me in the past. Some part of this has involved the fact that my needs had to be denied, I’ve convinced myself that they weren’t important as others’ needs. That they didn’t need to be addressed. Bringing forth my own needs made me uncomfortable and sick to the stomach, the notion of leaning on someone else for help didn’t sit well with me.
'Cause where there is new wine There is new power There is new freedom
But yesterday’s talk/sermon hit the mark I guess. For all the tears shed during worship as I stood alone at the back, for the panic I’ve felt in the middle of the night or before falling asleep, for the moments when I couldn’t bring myself to say anything at all, for the times I tried to convince myself I didn’t matter to anyone- You see and know it all. And Your heart breaks for me, Your child, all the same. That was so powerful and heartbreaking, knowing that despite how unworthy and invisible I make myself out to be- You say otherwise. You still call me Your beloved child. It’s been a long and hard season, with the cycle of self-loathing and blame and the constant thoughts that something was definitely inherently wrong with me. I would like to believe it is only Your power that has the ability to shatter these chains. 
By His blood and in His Name In His freedom I am free For the love of Jesus Christ Who has resurrected me
Despite everything, Your love towards me hasn’t wavered, and it never will. I’m not able to see ahead into the future to see what You have planned. As much as I think back and remember all the times I thought I could’ve said or done something differently; I’m slowly trying to understand that You have made this as such as part of Your perfect plan for me. For every word said (or unsaid), every action done (or undone), You have a purpose for it; for Your glory. 
For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Jesus Christ our Lord. - Romans 8:38-39
My hope is that I will be able to breathe and be who You have made me to be without fear of judgment, even through the scathing looks from others and the unkind words spoken. For me to lean into Your unconditional love and grace. Maybe one day I’ll look back and realise how good You have been, and that this assured promise of freedom found through the death of Christ that You have once again reminded me of today- will remain forevermore. 
0 notes
gloopyblobs · 6 years ago
Text
Unsettled
I don’t feel too good. I haven’t in a long while. I think secretly somewhere in the depths of my heart I know why, but I haven’t been able to acknowledge it by saying it out loud, or even typing it out. Everything going on isn’t helping, sometimes I really am my greatest enemy. I don’t want to wage war with myself. How is it then, that I may somehow be able to be at peace with the entirety of things?
It’s been tough. I have no answers.
0 notes
gloopyblobs · 6 years ago
Text
I don’t really know why I’m here. Somehow, I haven’t been able to sleep the past few nights. It’s 2:18am now- yet I’m still lying awake, unable to close my eyes and fall peacefully asleep. I simply want to rest, a time away from the hustle and bustle of this world.
Maybe it’s the anxiety and fear within me. I do not know yet why this is happening. But O God I will trust that You are with me; even in the midst of all this.
0 notes
gloopyblobs · 6 years ago
Text
Be thou my vision, O Lord of my heart; Naught be all else to me, save that thou art - Thou my best thought, by day or by night; Waking or sleeping, thy presence my light. Be thou my wisdom, and thou my true word; I ever with thee and thou with me, Lord. Thou my great Father; thine own may I be, Thou in me dwelling and I one with thee. Riches I heed not, nor vain, empty praise; Thou mine inheritance, now and always; Thou and thou only first in my heart, High King of heaven, my treasure thou art. High King of heaven, my victory won, May I reach heaven's joys, O bright heaven's sun! Heart of my own heart, whatever befall, Still be my vision, O Ruler of all.
0 notes
gloopyblobs · 6 years ago
Text
Deep down I know there’s some disconnect. Maybe I’m on the path to realising there’s no true joy and fulfilment found in worldly things.
Outwardly having it all together doesn’t mean I am at peace with myself. Not at all.  It’s hard. I’m struggling.
0 notes
gloopyblobs · 6 years ago
Text
No less God within the shadows
I scare myself sometimes.  It often seems like there isn’t a way out, and that You are nowhere, nowhere to be found. I want to be able to trust, to completely place everything in Your hands- but it is such a hard thing to do.  I find myself returning to the same old, always. The endless striving to distract myself from what’s blatantly in front of me never ceases. As I sat down the other day and thought, I couldn’t feel anything even though I wanted to- and that scared me. I don’t think I’m in a good place at all. No less faithful when the night leads me astray
0 notes
gloopyblobs · 6 years ago
Text
Desert
I don’t know how to put everything out there, into words maybe. 
I had a tough day battling with myself. It ultimately came down to the same battle- that no one truly cared. It is out of these twinges that I am fearful. Fearful of burdening others, fearful of not meeting my own expectations (and others’),fearful of others hurting me, fearful of what others might say- and the list goes on.
It’s not a bad thing to be organised, to have everything planned ahead down to the last detail. But the pain comes from knowing that all I do is meant to cover up what’s beneath. It’s always, always easier to put my best self forward. To seem that I have everything under control No one wants to see the messiness! No one! The walls I’ve built have been helpful, but like everything worldly, they’re temporary. I sense the cracks and incoming flood. The ground is barren, I’m searching for water; refreshment.
This season has lasted longer than I expected. Yet I know for sure that a few years down the road when I look back on this I’ll laugh to myself at how naive and unknowing I was. 
It’s the day in between Good Friday and Easter Sunday. We now know that there is joy after suffering. But what about the people then- how were they feeling? They didn’t know Jesus would be resurrected from the dead, how could they? For us it’s a feeling of sorrow yet anticipation, laced with some sort of relief and thanksgiving that through the blood of Christ we have been saved. This love and grace is not humanly. For someone to willingly give up their life for Your will, it’s almost preposterous.  I don’t really know where I’m going with this, but show me You are there even when I feel very much alone.
0 notes
gloopyblobs · 6 years ago
Text
In the crushing In the pressing You are making New wine In the soil, I Now surrender You are breaking New ground
So I yield to You and to Your careful hand When I trust You I don't need to understand
Make me Your vessel Make me an offering Make me whatever You want me to be I came here with nothing But all You have given me Jesus, bring new wine out of me
It hasn’t been easy and won’t be easy. I sense the all too familiar feeling of something about to burst through... and I know I can’t contain it for much longer. Help me, O Lord. Help me to make sense of it all and trust in You even in the face of such diverse adversity and possibility.
0 notes
gloopyblobs · 6 years ago
Text
“To what am I to die and to what am I not to die to within myself?”
I would like to think of lying as a way to protect ourselves. A way to put our best selves forward, to hide the pain and hurt within. But there has to be a time and place where the pain can no longer be hidden... and it surfaces. 
I’m still learning new things about myself, about the way I perceive things and how I respond to these perceptions. Some of it is positive, others not so much. The ignorance of my fears and emotions has owned me for such a long time that I no longer know how to respond- so I lie. Not just to myself, but to others as well. It’s a terrible feeling though, guilt always eats away at you. The fear that one day I’ll slip-up and reveal my true self- that scares me. I haven’t mastered how to lie without feeling. 
“How are you? What’s up?”
“I’m okay. Life’s tough but it’s okay.”
But I know I’m not okay, everything isn’t okay. 
It seems like with every step I take forward, I end up taking 2 steps backwards. Maybe to others I am progressing, but in reality I have somewhat curated the way they view me. Half truths aren’t lies, right?
You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways. -Psalm 139:3
Lord help me to die to my tendency of lying- to come to terms with the entirety of things and my faults. You know my wayward ways.
0 notes
gloopyblobs · 6 years ago
Text
Reliance
I wonder. Sometimes I catch myself wondering in the midst of things whether or not I’ll ever overcome my struggles. Will I ever get out of this rut? Are You there with me?
And more recently- what if it happens again? The internal battle between my logic and my heart always wears me out, it really does. I want to believe the past won’t repeat itself; and that I’ll be able to have a more pleasant experience the next time round. But that isn’t always the case, even in the Bible.
I knew last Saturday I would have an unpleasant experience, but I didn’t expect it to come in the form of an attack. Everything was so unexpected and uncontrollable. But the one thing I could control was my own response after the attack. In that moment of gut-wrenching fear and “what if’s?” I didn’t turn to You, the one who gives us divine peace. I regret it deeply- but I know I am always falliable and You’ll always be there to catch me when I fall.
I‘m worried of the possibility that if I go for the gathering on Wednesday the same thing will happen again. I thought I had managed to keep my emotions in check, especially in church or church-related settings. But I know now it doesn’t work out- and doing as such is not necssarily a healthy thing. I’m also scared there aren’t people I can trust and rely on there, to give me a sense of assurance that I’ll be okay; that I’m not alone. Thank You though, for sending those 2 individuals to help me through that 1h or so.
This idea of leaning on equally flawed human beings isn’t right, I know; and I’m sorry. They can be helping us to turn back to You, to know that only You can direct our paths; but ultimately they aren’t and never will be God. I should rely on You as my sole provider of peace and comfort. This is something I’m still learning to do, and by Your grace and mercy may You mould me. But for now the one steadfast promise I hold on to is that You are always there. Now and forever.
0 notes
gloopyblobs · 6 years ago
Text
Breath
I feel oddly at peace. I don’t know why- but thank You for allowing me to feel as such. I expected maybe a more emotional response (or specifically, panic), but thank You for giving me the right words to say; to be clear headed enough to know what I want and to express that clearly. Maybe there’s a sense of freedom tied to this closure. Freedom from the fear that has crippled me for so long. But even as I let out a breath of relief; I know that it isn’t as simple as dealing with things externally- but rather the struggle for me lies in You beginning a work of healing in me internally.  I still fear. I really do. I fear that my past will come back to haunt me, I fear that I will be hurt again. I don’t have it all together, the varying breakdowns are very evident of that. But I know Your hand is in the midst of all this, guiding me back into the light that You have promised me.
The fear that held us now gives way To Him who is our peace His final breath upon the cross Is now alive in me
0 notes
gloopyblobs · 6 years ago
Text
Surrender
I didn’t want to do this. I refused to process the enormity of what happened- maybe out of fear, maybe out of denial. But I’ve seen and felt the repercussions of this suppression over the last 2 weeks- so I guess here I am.
You are our God, you alone are good For the first time in a long while something in me really broke. Maybe it was the pressure of everything building up, but I’m not sure really. I didn’t expect to just... break down and weep. It was terrifying, those mere few minutes of losing control of everything I thought I had managed well. Truthfully, crying or vulnerability isn’t something comfortable for me. The feeling of helplessness.  I tried (and continue to try) to convince myself that You are always good- even though I don’t see it. Looking back, although the loss of control I felt in those few minutes isn’t something I necessarily want to experience again (though I sense it wouldn’t be my last time feeling as such); it made me realise the idea of surrender. Voluntarily or not, surrender involves the concept of submission. In that case, it entails me trusting that You are greater. Greater than all the things of earth that weigh me down.
He's roaring with power and fighting our battles // I raise a hallelujah, heaven comes to fight for me I’ve always tried to do everything in my power to change the outcome of things, to predict outcomes to prevent me from going down the path of regret. But this almost never happens, which is why I always end up feeling that much more guilt than I should. Maybe if I didn’t say anything those 7 months ago, maybe if I wasn’t so trusting of people- I wouldn’t be in my present state. I still feel like I’m stepping on thin ice every time around them. To try and avoid eye contact, to turn away and make myself inconspicuous... it’s tiring having to watch what I say and do. The panic that rises up within me, the resentment I feel towards them; I want to be free of these things. But I know deep down I don’t truly resent them, I really do resent myself. For the things I have done and the things I have not. Almost always I feel like something is inherently wrong with me, it’s never another’s fault. 
In that moment, knowing that You fight my battles... was really such a deep blow to my gut and all I’ve ever known. The things I do in my meagre capacity will never be enough. The walls I’ve built around myself for the fear of being hurt again- they aren’t strong enough. Letting others’ words define who I am and what I do- instead of finding my identity in You. In trying to defend myself and stand my ground when everything and everyone opposes me- forgetting You have control and power over all my struggles. The constant struggle with loving myself, with my relationships with others. Maybe I won’t see the truth of this presently, but who knows what will happen down the road? I know whatever happened in the past 7 months happened for a reason, and I’ll continue to wait for the epiphany of why it happened. 
I raise a hallelujah, louder than the unbelief
Surrender still scares me- it probably always will. This is not something new. But I still choose to surrender and praise You in the midst of uncertainty. Help me to do so with courage... and with You in all I do.
0 notes
gloopyblobs · 6 years ago
Text
This week (the sum of barely 3 days) has been hard. Harder than expected. Not only physically, but my soul and spirit are exhausted. Where’s the focus? Where’s the alignment?
Maybe it’s because I’m trying to keep it together, but the doubts and uncertainty throws everything off balance. 
I return back to You. Your yoke is easy and Your burden is light.
0 notes