gnatsthoughts - Tumblr blog

gnatsthoughts · 5 years ago

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gnatsthoughts · 6 years ago

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„I see you with my heart not with my eyes“.

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gnatsthoughts · 6 years ago

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gnatsthoughts · 6 years ago

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You deserve love. You deserve good energy. You deserve to be surrounded by people who love you. You deserve to love who you are. You deserve to be at peace.

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gnatsthoughts · 6 years ago

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5.26.19

here I am! a little check-in about my life.

I am 19 years old. I just finished my first year of university at the University of San Diego, planning to study International Relations and Spanish. I had a good first year.. it feels like there’s so much I want to say about it that nothing comes immediately to mind.

I met a lot of people at school, so I felt like I had people around that I said “hi” to when walking around - especially since my school is pretty small. I feel like there’s still so many I don’t know, even in my own grade. I would consider my closest friends to be Maddie, Alex, Savannah, Jessica, Ryan. Caroline and Trina were my roommates, along with another girl, Silvia, whom none of us became close with. I am so thankful I met those two and that they were my roommates, but I’m not sure what will happen to our relationships in the coming years. Trina and I will live in the same apartment next year, work in the same office, and have Spanish class together - so we will still see a lot of one another. Caroline, she is so different to me, the opposite of down-to-earth haha, but I’m sure we will still talk sometimes and wave to one another. I started becoming closer with Karina and Jonny as the year ended. I found out Karina, who is studying the same subjects as me, will be living in the apartment right next door, which made me so happy! She is so nice, so understanding and great to study with. Jonny is.. well, I have a crush on him, so I think he’s great all around. He’s handsome, crazy muscular (!!!) because he loves to work out, so friendly to everyone, and actually cares about things.. he is working in a homeless shelter this whole summer. I guess we’ll see what will happen with that next year.. though he’s always been nice to me, he is friends with a lot of girls and almost all my friends like him, so I’m sure others do as well. Besides that, I am friends with Xela, who’s a bit more wild but so nice to know. I’m friends with Sasha, with Sam, with Lydia, with Sarah, with Aimee, and some others that I can’t remember now. Also Andrew and Elie and Keely! And Diego.

Next year I will be sharing a room with Maddie, and our apartment will be with Alex and Trina. I am so excited to have a kitchen, to only share with one other, to decorate our apartment, to not have to deal with Silvia’s ramen smells every day. I love those girls, but I want to be friendly and outgoing next year, and hopefully meet more people. I want to join intramural soccer and swing dancing club! And talk to more people in my classes in order to be included in study groups, like the one I went to my last night last semester in Founders. I want to say hi to people in my hall and at the coffee shop on campus! I want to have good relationships with my professors, be able to go up and talk to them after class about whatever. I want to spend more time off campus, exploring the area.

Some things I struggled with this year were homesickness, loneliness, roommate issues, stress about school, and lows in self-confidence. I was homesick from arriving at school, because that’s when I realized that my parents would be leaving me there. I wasn’t going home with them at the end of move-in weekend, and I wouldn’t see them again until Thanksgiving! woah.. it was crazy. I actually hated the discomfort I felt about that. I felt homesick on and off throughout the whole year, even when I thought it had gone away. Before Christmas break, when I was stressed about finals. Before spring break, when I was tired of my roommates. At the end of the year, when I just wanted to be done and away from all my responsibilities. I felt lonely throughout the year, too. Whenever I did something alone that others did with friends, like sitting in Aromas or getting dinner from SLP. Seeing big groups made me lonely because I had never had that in college, and only with girls in high school - I was jealous of those boy-girl groups that always seemed to have so much to talk about. Roommate issues.. well, the list goes on and on. At first, I remember being annoyed by how much Caroline would talk, to any of us who were willing to listen. Without us asking, she would start complaining about her long day and her Pre-Med course load. Silvia didn’t wrap her pads when she threw them away and would make ramen at all hours of the day, which made the whole room stink. I hated having to shit with the other girls there, but that was the only place I could shit at the school so. I didn’t like how hostile Trina would feel, but I think that’s just how she is.. quiet unless you say something first. I got tired pretty fast of all of Caroline’s sorority talk. I felt left out of Trina and Alex’s friendship because at first, Trina and I had been best friends. Then, by the end of the year, it was Caroline and Trina’s friendship that bothered me like crazy. They would always be talking and laughing. They even watched movies on the bunk a few feet away from me without inviting me to join in. And they would make plans to go to Din Tai Fung or for Caroline to visit Trina in the Philippines over the summer, with seemingly little care that I was there and maybe, just maybe, felt left out. I get that the world doesn’t revolve around me and they weren’t doing it on purpose, I get it. But it was still so, so hard, so hard that I broke down crying on the phone to friends and home a few times talking about it. I would feel stressed about school during weeks with a lot of midterms or papers, and especially during finals, which is to be expected. Maddie put a lot of time into school, so I think I felt pressured to match up to her in that way. I know she also did.. during finals in the spring, she would seem to go to the library and stay for so much longer than she needed, just because I was there (because there actually was a paper or some other thing that I had to get done for the next day). I’m not sure if she was trying to prove herself, and if it was to me or to herself, but it seemed so unnecessary to me. I would have rather been doing other things! Trina was also constantly studying, so that stressed me out. And she logged a lot of hours at work in the spring, and I compared myself to her in that way as well. It is hard to not do that when you see so much of someone and know their life so well. I remember struggling with self-confidence from the first weekend at school, when we were getting ready for orientation events or going out in the evenings and the other girls seemed to have so many more cute clothes than me. I had like, one, tank top that was on the same level as theirs, it seemed. I had never thought of my clothes as unflattering until then, when I saw how small their tank tops were and how long they spent looking at themselves in the mirror. That was partly due to my roommates though, I know not everyone scrutinizes themselves like that. It was just a shock when I moved in. It is hard to be best friends with Maddie, since she is stick thin even though she eats whatever she wants, whereas I think about my weight a lot and my eating habits. Also, having insecurities is so much easier when you don’t feel fully settled in somewhere, because you’re constantly doubting whether or not you fit in or if you’re doing the right thing. I hope I will start to feel like USD is home sometime next year.. or if I ever will.

My favorite times this year, I’m not sure I can remember them all of a sudden like this. Going to sunset cliffs with friends, definitely. Going to the beach in general. Going to get acai bowls, so cliche but yummy haha. Going to Julian with my LLC class in the fall. Eating acai in vegan club while hearing about Soul Much cookies. Getting the email that I got the job in the study abroad office. Halloween at SDSU. Going to Encinitas with Hope, that was both good and bad. Talking to Jonny hehe. The Dager with Maddie .. got so drunk lol. There were more, more random things that made me smile. I can’t think of them off the top of my head.

Besides meeting new friends, I want to be more comfortable with who I am next year. Keep doing exercise. Cook yummy food (actually try, rather than buying food at school or going to the slp). Start having relationships, even just casually, with boys. I miss that! Sleeping enough, especially with my 8am class. Taking myself a little less seriously and having more fun, hopefully I can do that.

First year was good. I’m happy about the scholarships I got.. I’m worried about the cost of the next few years, without need-based aid from school. I am excited for Madrid next year, though I wish it wasn’t Brittany who became the advisor. I am okay with how everything went this year, but I feel like it can be so much better. I can be happier. So that is what I am going to work towards this summer and in the next year. I want to be happier with life every day. I don’t want to feel like I’m waiting for something. I just want to feel happy, as my natural, default, automatic because it is so usual, feeling.

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gnatsthoughts · 6 years ago

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