gnawd

[gnawd]

i fly home today (: <3

[gnawd]

me rebooting my m*rv*l muse only to refuse to write with 98% of other m*rv*l blogs ...

[gnawd]

it really fucking itches. wasn't bad at first , not really. the longer strands cut across at the beginning simply to remove the length didn't stick like this. but you wanted to do a good job. when's the last time you did something like this ? not for yourself , but someone else. maybe aaron once. maybe you warned him that your hands could bequeath his head with the worst fuck up not even a bowl could save , but that didn't mean you wanted it to be true. he wouldn't know , but you would try. bathroom scissors clutched between your fingers , sharp and layering. memory searching for video after video technique burned into retinas only in his absence or unconscious.

@demon1a / summer : well , how do i look ?

❛      i'm never doing this shit ever again.      ❜ tone doesn't match sharp sheared words and despite the itch , another cursory run of your hands through your final product is necessary. his shorter , lighter layers soft under the touch. almost makes it worth it. almost. but it softens him, you think. suits him. you tried to layer the front too, with varying success. but it's done. you can finally wash off this fucking hair that won't get off. ❛      go look at yourself. i'm getting in the shower and getting all your hair off me.      ❜ later , you'll be the one to ask if he likes it. when the hour wavers between early and late , and no one's looking too closely at you with the lights off.

[gnawd]

jules has a sweet only couple years old rottweiler named ripley ( this is an alien reference ) and they found her during their mutual time on the street . it takes a while gaining her comfort to be able to bring her home once they get their place but they looked after each other . jules cares more about ripley than pretty much anything or anyone else .

[gnawd]

you want something that lasts  

NAME. julien jules gray . NICKNAMES. julie , jule . AGE. verse dependent but typically written at twenty four ( permanent ) BIRTHDAY. february 23rd. BIRTH PLACE. new york / nj area . LANGUAGE. english / hebrew / polish . IDENTITY. unlabeled , they / he + homosexual . CULTURE. jewish , irreligious / non observant . SPECIES. vampire ( turned ) , human previously . OCCUPATION. none , student previously .

HEIGHT. five foot seven . EYES. blue , unmasked + wide , candid . HAIR. brown , waving + curling often a little past the ears . SKIN. fair , prone to burning , with faint freckles + various moles . rosy + flushed when freshly fed and pale , sunken when gone too long without .

PIERCINGS. stud located on the right ear lobe ( high school ) + usually bars through the nipples ( twenty ) . TATTOOS. all brothers' birth dates located on upper left arm ( eighteen ) + delicate lily above mother's name in hebrew on inner left wrist ( seventeen ) + lucky you tattoo'd on their right ass cheek ( eighteen ) + small outlined heart on their right inner thigh .

ARC ONE : 𝚒 𝚠𝚊𝚜 𝚊𝚗 𝚎𝚡𝚝𝚛𝚎𝚖𝚎𝚕𝚢 𝚜𝚎𝚗𝚜𝚒𝚝𝚒𝚟𝚎 𝚌𝚑𝚒𝚕𝚍 .

the baby of four , all brothers ( aaron as the oldest , jonah + micah as the twins ) . a grueling 18 hours of labor resulting in jules . fussy and needy from the start their father would say , during one of numerous emotional outbursts in their younger years . prone to them , jules was considered a difficult child with greater emotional needs , sensitive , and outbursts when overstimulated . chayah , as an elementary art teacher with larger exposure to neurodivergent children , did her best to be patient and understanding with her youngest , but the same compassion was not given by their father . daniel could not understand his child's sensitivity and often took out his ire on them for being too soft .

their high school years are troubled , struggling with a lack of attention span that tarnishes their grades and tumultuous relationships . jules is a common presence in the school's principal and guidance offices . aaron being the eldest and quieter , more understanding of their siblings tried to shield them from their daniel's vitriol , resulting in an altercation that would push chayah to divorce daniel while jules was in late high school . the rest of the family cut daniel off , aside from micah who always maintained a strained relationship with jules . eventually at seventeen they pursue the desire to move out and finish high school on their own , no longer wishing to be a burden on their mom .

* it's during hs that jules starts fitting themself into the wrong crowds and begins finding distractions in self destructive behaviors to cope . very limited / heavily plotting required interactions . an additional note is that jules has undiagnosed adhd , autism , and depression .

ARC TWO : 𝚒 𝚠𝚘𝚞𝚕𝚍 𝚘𝚞𝚝𝚍𝚘 𝚢𝚘𝚞 .

university drags them a state , a city away . still close to home but far enough , wide enough to breathe . generalized education until they figure out what they really want ( social work , child protection law ) jules basks in the personal , guiltless freedom of letting themself go with no one over their shoulder to worry in the meantime . seeking value in touch , desire , avoiding the consequences and trauma of a childhood burning . desire almost as good as acceptance in their eyes . jules has a tendency to fixate and lose themself in others , or whatever distraction takes hold . this results in a series of unhealthy relationships , leading into their last partner as a human : alex .

alex is a philosophy major that shares a psych 101 class with jules and the two gradually enter a relationship that , admittedly , jules is not as invested in as alex . he's sweet to them in a way they're not used to ( re : jules is not a reliable narrator and if asked , most would describe alex as controlling and possessive ) which has them shy away from his authenticity . however , alex fights a genetic illness that will gradually degrade his body and mental state . seeking to stop this decline , alex obsesses over immortality . jules becomes used to his odd hours and erratic behavior over the last three months of their relationship , culminating to the moment of their death . a picnic in the park , the dark side in the late night , a romantic little anniversary outing thrown together by their boyfriend . a proposal : jules had brushed off his fascination with extending his life but here , it's offered . an offer jules has no interest in accepting . less about alex and more about the terrifying concept of eternity , nor do they believe him until it's jules being viciously fed upon , gutted , after an attempt at breaking up .

* selective / plotting required interactions .

ARC THREE : 𝚒𝚝 𝚑𝚞𝚛𝚝𝚜 𝚝𝚘 𝚋𝚎𝚌𝚘𝚖𝚎 .

they remember , over the course of a few days . after clawing out of their own casket a week later , pushing through layer after layer of fresh laid dirt . clarity only following the first of their blunt teeth tearing into the poor groundskeeper . then their name , from the gravestone clearly their own . the rest in time . their death . and then realization : there's nothing to go back to . they're dead , they were buried . jules' family taken care of everything from their life before , the kind of shit you do when family passes . what do you do ? going home out of the question . show up and say hey ! guess what ! not actually dead but kind of definitely dead and i have a whole new diet now and i don't know if that's dangerous for you or not ? no . there's no . . . rule book for their new life but it seems like the better choice they could make . to let them grieve . set them free of them .

jules spends the next five months on and off the streets , in the occasional shelter or motel , or squatting in abandoned spaces until they're able to accumulate enough money ( often off the stolen money of their meals ) to get a new place . it's an incredibly hard time for them , adjusting to their new reality , grieving their old life and connections , processing the loss of it all alongside the physical transition of their new being . their teeth , for one . new , sharper ones take place of the old and the process is an uncomfortable , painful month . learning how long they can go without feeding . their amplified senses are overwhelming ( increased input for hearing in particular , smell , and touch ) and especially not having a safe , regular , or private space to decompress and cope makes a majority of those months unbearable . this does lead to several instances in which jules discovers if they die again , they don't stay dead . this varies from hours to days depending on the intensity / way of death .

following the acquisition of their new space and a slightly better hold on vampirism , jules comes to realize they have too much time on their hands . their old goals and desires unobtainable , for the most part . the empty hours burrowing under their skin in a way they can't shake . it's hard to be that miserable with no out . this pushes them back into old and further self destructive coping mechanisms . sex , people , getting into trouble in the face of their new lack of mortality . they settle into a care free attitude of no worries that's more of a mask than anything else . preferring not to make long lasting or deep connections , never sitting still or staying in the company of most for very long .

it's during this period that jules meets sammy watkins , their first experience in their new life with a being that's other . their mutual realization of the others' permanence hooks them without a second thought for the consequences . sammy a creature enthralled in havoc and corruption and jules , eager to please and desperate to hold onto something that won't ever leave . they're typically in an on and off relationship , jules retreating back to sammy when they inevitably find their heart broken for falling for something ephemeral or simply too difficult . it's not a healthy dynamic . * if our muses are engaged in a relationship , it's typically during their off period or in some plotted out discussions may form before meeting sammy .

* most interactions fall within arc three after they've gotten their own place + post meeting sammy .

ARC FOUR : 𝚒𝚜 𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛𝚎 𝚙𝚎𝚊𝚌𝚎 ?

honestly , there is no set arc four . yet . i think arc four varies heavily on muse dynamic for jules and a lot of their main character exploration takes place during arc three with their main point being navigating their present . jules cannot even begin to think about a future direction with most interactions . in their primary moment they're lost and aimless , without purpose . for the rest of eternity , in their mind . it results in a long avoidant phase without outside influence . the future is terrifying for jules , and too unknown for them . subject to change ofc but ! this is where that's at .

[gnawd]

i think about everything ends being a comfort to jules before they turned but how it's now their fear <33

[gnawd]

i think one of my favorite things about jules being a vampire is that they're still . . . just a guy. no super speed , super strength , doesn't turn to flame in the sun or flinch at a cross , he's just . . . a guy fr.

[gnawd]

[gnawd]

@tvgrief / jasper : how does it feel to be in love ?

is that it ? is that what it is ? the maw and throat in his hands , however he pleases. you , dangling on the hook , straining against the leash. is that his love ? is that yours when you sink your teeth into his jugular and know he'll come back ? when he nails your coffin this time , is it in the cemetery of your love ? will you bury another for him ? is that your love ? a graveyard. a slaughterhouse. who are you if there's no blood ? if there's no sting in the cut ?

i guess . . . i guess that could be. when there is nothing and there is no one again , there's always him. if that's my love , what does that make me ?

you turn away. you no longer want to look at jasper across from you , so you don't. the bedsheets are hot , full of dirt , full of blood , the same as your chest and your lungs. choking on it , choking it down. ( doesn't he know i love him ? i won't bury him too , doesn't he know that ? am i not . . . have i not . . . ) maybe your love isn't enough. shame has a way of devouring you , never leaving something whole behind. there is nothing else to see after all : he sees you and your love now. he doesn't ask you about himself : he asks about him. who you bleed for. who opens you raw , bares the worst of you with only teeth. shows the truth of you. ( maybe sammy's right. )

you don't want to look at him. you love him but your love is ugly and you've failed. at what ? you don't know. to show him you love him or failed to be something other than a wound or a nail. your love can't be warm , isn't that a given ? you should know that by now. even as a child , you were a difficult , hard to love thing. ❛      it's not that. it's not. don't think of that as . . . please. it's more , don't you   don't.      ❜

[gnawd]

&. 𝐯𝐚𝐫𝐢𝐨𝐮𝐬 𝐪𝐮𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐬𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐞 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐬.

(  a  mix  of  angst,  fluff,  and  plot  focused  dialogue  prompts  in  the  form  of  questions.  feel  free  to  change  how  you  seem  fit.  )

❛ what are you listening to? ❜

❛ can’t sleep? ❜

❛ did it hurt? ❜

❛ are you sure this is a good idea? ❜

❛ do you mind if i sleep here tonight? ❜

❛ what are you doing out here by yourself? ❜

❛ are you wearing my shirt? ❜

❛ don’t you know what you mean to me? ❜

❛ will i see you again? ❜

❛ are you comfortable? ❜

❛ are you trying to get us in trouble? ❜

❛ do you enjoy playing with people’s hearts? ❜

❛ don’t we deserve to be happy? ❜

❛ why can’t i come with you? ❜

❛ are you here to kill me? ❜

❛ you think i’m jealous? ❜

❛ do you want to share this? ❜

❛ is that blood? is it yours? ❜

❛ how do you know my name? ❜

❛ you’re an asshole, you know that? ❜

❛ like what you see? ❜

❛ was that your first kiss? ❜

❛ are you happy here with me? ❜

❛ sorry, did you want to be alone? ❜

❛ do you want my jacket? ❜

❛ how are you still alive? ❜

❛ you’re beautiful, you know that? ❜

❛ what are you so afraid of? ❜

❛ today isn’t your day, is it? ❜

❛ how does it feel to be in love? ❜

❛ you’ve been crying, what’s wrong? ❜

❛ do you remember when we first met? ❜

❛ isn’t this amazing? ❜

❛ did you miss me? ❜

❛ alright, who am i beating up? ❜

❛ that was a close call, wasn’t it? ❜

❛ am i worth so little to you? ❜

❛ how is it you’re never scared? ❜

❛ do you ever think about the future? ❜

❛ can you look at me? please? ❜

❛ you got me flowers? ❜

❛ well, how do i look? ❜

❛ what aren’t you telling me? ❜

❛ how about a kiss before i go? ❜

❛ you don’t know who i am, do you? ❜

❛ may i have this dance? ❜

❛ who’s going to stop us, huh? ❜

❛ wait, you’re leaving already? ❜

❛ it’s my fault, isn’t it? ❜

❛ have you ever lost someone? ❜

❛ do you think i’m a good person? ❜

❛ what are you thinking about? ❜

❛ is it really you? ❜

❛ what if i hurt you? ❜

❛ if you won’t take care of yourself, then who will? ❜

❛ have you come to laugh at me? ❜

❛ will you still look at me like you do now? ❜

[gnawd]

jules is the baby of three older brothers : aaron being the oldest , followed by the twins ( jonah + micah ) . jules was closest to aaron who often took to shielding a very sensitive adolescent jules . he was the first person jules came out to and the last of his family they saw before their death . micah often sided with their father though and this resulted in a strained relationship , as jules as an adult and their other brothers dropped contact with their father ( minus micah ) in their later years . jonah and jules were amicable but never close , jonah never really understanding jules but caring for his brother nonetheless . after their first official death , their mother moved in with aaron in new jersey .

[gnawd]

↪     ᵗʰᵉ 𝑫𝑼𝑺𝑻𝒀 𝑻𝑶𝒀𝑩𝑶𝑿 .    (  a  collection  of  various unsorted sentence starters .  adjust  phrasing  as  necessary .   no longer updating .  )

why are you here ?

drive .  drive fast .

i think we should make an informed decision .

are you coming or not ?

you’ve been avoiding me .

[ name ] ,  what were you thinking ?

this should be your priority .

let me hold you for a minute .

get out of my way .  i won’t tell you again .

that wasn’t supposed to happen .

can you keep a secret ?

i don’t know what i did to deserve you .

you seriously think i could’ve done something like that ?

you’re safe with me .

sorry isn’t good enough .

where is all this coming from ?

who told you about that ?

sorry i’m late ,  i got caught up .

you’re being paranoid .

why are you looking at me like that ?

you’re the single most important thing to me .

all i’m asking is that you hear me out .

whatever they told you ,  it’s a lie .

we shouldn’t stick around here .

hold my hand ,  i don’t want to lose track of you .

[ name ]  …  truth or dare ?

i love you .  nothing’s gonna change that .

can you tell me what happened ?

you can’t come around here anymore .

back off ,  okay ?

what ,  you don’t have time for me anymore ?

you’re asking for too much .

i’m trying to start a new life .

what do you mean ,  you aren’t coming back ?

sometimes i think you must hate me .

why can’t we just talk about this ?

i know i fucked up ,  you can stop rubbing it in .

you’ve got quite a reputation .

i’m not usually like this ,  i’m sorry .

please ,  just let me explain myself .

i love watching you work .

we’re on the same team .

did you ever tell anyone ?

you’ve got a lot of explaining to do .

really funny ,  you’re very mature .

you call THAT a PLAN ?

can we get out of here ?

i thought things would be different .

this is not up for debate !

do whatever you have to do .

karma’s going to get you for that .

it could’ve been a lot worse .

i asked you to leave me out of this .

maybe it’s time to take a leap of faith .

i never want to see you again .

can you see how many fingers i’m holding up ?

i’m gonna be there when you get what’s coming to you .

you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me .

i’ve been waiting all night for this .

i told you not to contact me .

sometimes i really think you have a death wish .

what do you need ?  —  what can i do ?

i would do literally anything to keep you safe .

that was supposed to be a secret .

you haven’t called me that in years .

stop telling me to calm down !

we make a pretty good team .

i have so much i want to say to you .

i’m not going to let anyone hurt you .

can we please not do this right now ? 

wait ,  wait  …  just breathe for a second .

how are you holding up ?

why don’t you stay the night ?  i’ll take the couch .

i don’t need your protection !

you’re not making this easier on yourself .

are you going to let me in ?

i’m supposed to be protecting you .

i will kill you if i have to .

do whatever you have to do .

this is going to hurt ,  i’m sorry .

what happened to you ,  where have you been ?!

there was nothing you could’ve done .

you’re all i need right now .

i don’t believe in love at first sight .

have you been following me ?

i need you to believe me .

what do you remember ?

i’m not a good person .

what the hell’s going on with you ?

you’re being followed .

just when i thought my day couldn’t be any worse .

i’ve been having weird dreams .

so you’ve been lying to me this whole time ?

are you trying to get us killed ?

this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me .

i never asked for your help .

you’re being followed ,  pretend you know me .

why has it started to feel different with you ?

don’t worry ,  i have a plan .

i heard everything .

do you need to sit down ?

i have the right to know what’s going on .

i’ve just gotta catch my breath .

stay out of my business .

what did you think was going to happen ?!

don’t cause a scene .

tell me something about you that i don’t know .

can i buy you a drink ?

what if  …  we played spin the bottle ?

this was never a problem until  [ name ]  came around .

you can’t ask me to make that choice .

are you seeing anyone right now ?

i need you to listen to me ,  we don’t have long .

you’re lying ,  that doesn’t make any sense .

you look  …  stunning .

what are you trying to prove ?

who died and made you the boss of me ?

you can’t just show up here like this .

let me make it up to you .

there’s no way i’m leaving you like this .

can we stay like this ?  just for a little longer .

i don’t need you to fight for me .

so  …  you lied to me ?

you’re the only one that can help me .

i can’t help you if you won’t let me .

i never introduced myself ,  i’m [ name ] .

i expected more from you .

you have no idea who i am ,  do you ?

are you real ?  is this real ?

can i stay with you ?  just for the night .

you’re going to get yourself killed .

why did you help me ?

tell me what i can do to help .

pick a card ,  any card .

i never wanted any of this .

i love you .   you don’t have to say it back .

do you wanna get out of here ?

what the hell are you talking about ?

i should have trusted you .

get your head out of the clouds .

how is any of this MY fault ?!

what aren’t you telling me ?

i can’t help you if you won’t let me .

it’s never just one with you ,  is it ?

you’re not supposed to know about that .

shut your mouth .

i haven’t kissed you yet ,  today .

where is this coming from ?

come over here and make me ,  then .

keep lying to yourself ,  see where it gets you .

i’m not a bad person .

is that what you wanted to hear ?

we can’t be seen together .

i can’t give you what you want .

i need you to leave .

are you drunk ?

i’m here ,  i’m here .  i’m not going anywhere .

you might want to take a seat for this .

have you been listening to anything i’ve said ?

i haven’t heard from you in weeks .

you’re jealous ,  aren’t you ?

who do you think you’re talking to ?

what are you reading ?

you could’ve killed me !

come on ,  we don’t have time for this .

i just need ten minutes of silence .

really ?  that’s all you have to say ?

we could leave ,  you know .  go far away .

you don’t look too good .

i never want to see you again .

why can’t you just leave me alone ?

i thought you died .

you’ll do anything for attention .

give me another chance .

how’s the weather up there ?

all you do is hurt people !

i’m sorry ,  none of this makes sense .

you need to get out of here before anyone sees you .

i told you i didn’t want you around here .

is that supposed to be a threat ?

you’ve changed .

don’t look at me like that .

it’s a beautiful day ,  don’t you think ?

i did what i had to do .

you never know when to stop .

i’ve got to get home ,  it’s getting late .

i have nothing to prove to you .

stop LYING to me  …  all you do is lie .

you don’t have to be nice to everybody .

don’t tell me what to do .

pull your head out of the past .

nobody can help me .  i can’t even help me .

we are not talking about that right now .

are you new around here ?

you have no idea what you’re starting .

i’m gonna get us out of here .

whatever you came here to say ,  i don’t want to hear it .

everyone’s staring at us .

is there anything i can do to help ?

i won’t cause you any more trouble .

– just follow my instructions for once !

do you want to come in ?

i just didn’t know what to do .

you need rest ,  lie down .

i’m not who you think i am .

i don’t know what you want me to say .

you’re not like anyone else i’ve ever met .

i feel like i’m going insane .

stop asking ,  you’re not going to like my answer .

i didn’t want you to see me any differently .

i wish i knew what to say to you .

don’t give me that look ,  you know what i mean .

you should be afraid .

do you still love me ?

i never thought i’d get this far .

the world doesn’t revolve around you .

i need you to give me some space .

i know what you’re doing ,  don’t play games .

you left me to die .

i’m beyond repentance .

when are you going to get it through your head ?

i missed you more than i thought i would .

i’m in love with you .

what do you need from me ?

i’ll kill them ,   just say the word .

[ name ] ,   what are you doing here ?

how can i help ?

you’re pathetic .

i need you to come pick me up .

where have you been ?  it’s eleven o’clock .

i couldn’t live with myself if i let you get hurt .

i can’t just pretend it didn’t happen .

you’re a real piece of work .

do you remember how we first met ?

when did all of this fall apart ?

that’s not what i came here for .

i would do anything for you .

i don’t need you to hold my hand through this .

are you sure this is the right thing to do ?

can’t we try to pretend things are okay ?

what is THAT supposed to mean ?

you’re always late ,  what am i supposed to think ?

there’s nothing you can do to fix this .

you’re far too kind to me .

can we go now ?  like ,  right now ?

i have to do this alone .

where’s your common sense ?

we aren’t supposed to be in here .

can you feel my heartbeat ?

i think i’ve seen you around before .

why are you acting weird ?

i have a really bad feeling .

i hate seeing you like this .

how am i supposed to react to that ?

what do you want most in the world ?

[gnawd]

i'll drop his info later just let them live rent free in ur mind as a vague concept for now

[gnawd]

IT'S TOO QUIET IN THIS ROOM . . .

I NEED NOISE . . . a private + heavily selective + mutuals only 𝐯𝐚𝐦𝐩𝐢𝐫𝐞 original character JULES GRAY ◜     𝐛𝐚𝐦𝐛𝐢  ! ₂₃ . 18 +     ◞ affiliated with @ tvgrief + 3vilz , tbd .

𝚒𝚗𝚏𝚘 .    𝚙𝚒𝚗 .    𝚜𝚒𝚍𝚎 .    𝚗𝚜𝚏𝚝 .

quick rule drop : don't be an ass , if there's no name or information on your blog i probably won't follow back , friends or friends of friends heavily preferred , this is a low maintenance blog , sporadic activity , jules uses he / they pronouns , main blog is @ debtgun + sloomis .

content notes : due to the nature of what jules is , please be prepared for the possibility of in either imagery or writing blood , violence , gore , sexual content , death , horror themes . jules is also in a messy on & off relationship with ramsey's sammy when jules is not actively engaged in another relationship — these threads may contain manipulation , gaslighting , and are often ask to tag unless on the heavier side of these topics .

shipping : jules is open to shipping but not the easiest to ship with under romantic context , he's got a more difficult personality and fairly avoidant . he falls easy but doesn't like to engage in committed , vulnerable connections that require them to be open or that set him up for inevitable heartbreak . romantic connections require chemistry . he's more inclined towards platonic , selectively familial , and sexual connections . jules is gay .

lastly , jules has a large lack of filter and the shit he says or does is not necessarily reflective of my own views . thank u <33