godisateenagegothamite

[godisateenagegothamite]

Bruce has a strict 'no metas/powers (except duke) allowed in Gotham' policy in place but it has a clause, BYOR (Bring Your Own Robin)

No one is allowed entry untill and unless they can produce their very own certified robin-shaped identity card

Whenever someone with even a hint of supernatural powers in them arrives at Gotham, they're first met with Bruce standing at the city border with a notepad in hand

Bruce: State your name and purpose.

Kon: Kon-el, here to hangout!

Bruce: Your Robin?

Kon, flourishing Tim from behind him: Ta-Da!

Tim, waves: Hey Bruce

Bruce: Approved, you may enter

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bruce: Name and purpose?

Hal: Here to investigate a case, Hal Jordan

Bruce: Your Robin?

Hal: I.... don't have one?

Bruce: Denied

Hal: What?! But-

Bruce: Denied.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bruce: Yes, Wally, where's your robin?

Wally: Oh shit lemme just- *zaps away and returns with Dick, who was in the midst of brushing his teeth, in a bridal carry*- Here!

Bruce, grumbling a little: Fine. Approved.

Dick: You gotta stop using me as a key already, man

Wally: Blame Bruce.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bruce: Name and purpose?

Clark: Clark Kent, here for our monthly barbecue

Bruce: Robin?

Clark, producing an actual robin bird: Does this count?

Bruce:.....yes

[godisateenagegothamite]

I'm actually so convinced out of all of the Batfam Duke would fuck with the press the most. He pulls up to a gala with a diamond brooch on his tie and manipulates the light so it literally shines like a beacon and tells any reporter its his "undiscovered eldritch bling" OR fucks with the bat symbol as a way to communicate.

Dick: I'm going to the store! text me if you need anything! Duke: yeah yeah *five minutes later* Dick texting: Yknow when i said TEXT me i meant by PHONE not projecting 'ORANGE JUICE DICK' with the bat signal all over gotham.

i just think he'd be the fuckery king. He gets pissed at bruce and changes the bat signal to 'Baman sucks ASS' for like a week. no one can fix it.

[godisateenagegothamite]

Okay here me out:

Lex Luthor has a meeting with the CEO of Wayne Enterprises, trying to get a business deal. He waits an extra thirty minutes after the scheduled time and when he finally is let into the CEO’s private office, it isn’t Bruce Wayne like he expects, but teen Tim Drake with Kon on his lap like some super villain and his cat. Lex Luthor: Mr Wayne, pleased to—

Tim: *spins chair to reveal himself* Well well well, Mr. Luthor, you���re looking bald as ever.

Lex Luthor:……………

Kon: >:3

Tim: >:)

[godisateenagegothamite]

Jason, mildly annoyed at something Tim did: I’ll shoot you

Tim: do it

Jason: wha-

Tim: do it coward. Odds are in my favor that I’ll come back to life because no one dies right anymore. And if I do I’m taking Red Hood

Jason:

Tim: I’ll do it. I’ll take that one too

[godisateenagegothamite]

Pretty much everyone else: Make sure to be careful around the topic of his death we don't want to upset Jason or-

Tim: Hey remember when you died?

EO:

Tim: Skill issue honestly

Tim: You know who didn't die?

Tim: Me.

Tim: Kinda embarrassing for you honestly-

[godisateenagegothamite]

i know a lot of people talk about Jason pursuing his education after being revived by getting his GED and going to college but how much funnier would it be if he was like ‘no fuck that i’m not cutting corners i’m graduating high school and nobody can stop me’ and then we get the scene of Tim fucking sheet white in english class staring at the front of the room where his teacher is begrudgingly introducing this twenty year old over six foot 200+ pounds absolute UNIT of a man that is DEFINITELY his confirmed-dead vigilante predecessor as his new classmate ‘Todd Peters’ because Jason used part of his new crime lord income to bribe the principal to no-questions-asked re enrol him as a student.

cut to two weeks later and Bruce is concerned because Tim seems to be having trouble with bullying at school and Tim doesn’t know how to tell him it’s because Jason fucking Todd, the actual Red Hood of Crime Alley, keeps fucking targeting him during dodgeball in gym class.

Batman: i can’t allow you to work in Gotham if you kill people, Hood.

Red Hood: suck my nuts

Red Hood, whispering to Robin once Batman’s turned away: here my half of the joint assignment’s on this flashdrive let me know if the powerpoint gets fucked up

the only reason Tim isn’t snitching on Jason about any of this is because it’s nice to have somebody understand what it’s like to juggle both full-time school and full-time crime-fighting. and also he swears to god he is SO close to getting Jason to actually like him-

[godisateenagegothamite]

UTRH AU - (before revelation) Jason tries to kill Dick but can’t keep his emotions under control. Loosely inspired by this.

[godisateenagegothamite]

"The best way for the bat kids to hide their identity is to publicly be in a relationship with the self"

"no the best way is for them to publicly hate each other."

No. That's not enough. I need one of them to refuse to acknowledge the others identity. No matter what.

"Oh, Tim, what's your opinion on Dick and Nightwing recent lovers spat? Is it awkward for Bruce to have his son date his ex-step son? And what's your opinion on Red Robin, he seems about your age. Any plans, maybe involving your recent coming out of the closet?"

"Dick and Nightwing are dramatic, Bruce tries to ignore anything involving his ex, I think he might disapprove but he refuses to talk about it, because again, exes, and Red Robin is a terrible restaurant."

The interviewer rolled her eyes.

"I meant the vigilante, Tim."

"There isn't a vigilante named Red Robin."

"Gosh, Red, what's it like knowing the Wayne's? I mean, your brother is dating Dick, right? Or did they break up again? Either way, not important. Is there any way you could set me up with Tim? He's really cute-"

Red Robin stared at Superboy, and it was probably a trick of the light but Conner swore the skin showing under his mask was slightly redder than normal.

"Who the fuck is Tim?"

"Tim Drake-Wayne. Your brother in law's younger brother? Does that make him your brother in law too..."

"Kon, Dick's brother's name is Damian."

"No, the other one."

"Jason? The dead one? That's weird man, I'm not setting you up with a corpse."

[godisateenagegothamite]

When Bruce met Bernard, he was skeptical. He respects Tim's choice of partner don't get him wrong, but something about the boy triggers his paranoia.

Bernard is on his way to getting a dual PhD in physics and biology. (Rouge gallery are mostly doctorates)

He spouts conspiracies with passion. (Some were close to the truth and contain details that a normal civilian shouldn't know)

When discussing said theories he has this manic look in his eyes. (also this child is an ex-member of a pain cult)

It didn't help that one day when Bernard was visiting Tim is the manor the boy casually said "You know Gotham's cave system are so interesting. They span across the city and from my research, bats tend to migrate here, especially in the area around Wayne Manor." (Bernard was working on a conspiracy about how Batman is actually an alien pretending to be vampire by mimicking bats and failing.)

Later that night, Bruce has Bernard's profile under the 'potential rogue list' Right next to Tim's name.

[godisateenagegothamite]

Tim's love language is just putting his body weight,resting his head on their shoulder,just laying on someone to show platonic love (he's just like me)

[godisateenagegothamite]

Dick is used to doing everything on the move, so he doesn't even notice that his behavior is not "normal".

When his mom was teaching him history, he was hanging upside down from the trapeze, trying to do a new routine.

When his dad was teaching him math, he was calculating the angles of his jumps and spins in the air.

Language? He practiced a new language on the trapeze with his parents, associating new words with the routines. If he made a mistake (either with routine or with language), they would start over so he could learn correctly.

He likes to read, but not while sitting. He usually reads while hanging upside down or swinging.

When Bruce receives the same message from his teachers for the fifth time in a row, saying that his son ward is "brilliant, a genius, but lazy", Bruce doesn't understand, since Dick always has his schoolwork done. How could he be lazy?

That is until he discovers that nine-year-old Dick is doing his homework while doing six other things at once, including practicing jumping routines, learning a new language and also planning a strategy to contain the Penguin.

Bruce: Chum, you have ADHD.

Dick: Why do you think that? *he says while hanging from the chandelier, with a math book in one hand and a device he just built that only he knows what it does in the other hand, until a second ago singing a song in a language Bruce didn't even know the little boy could speak*

[godisateenagegothamite]

Teen dad Bruce(19y.o.) and Dick (8 y.o.) is my favorite thing

Bruce still being in College (med student) and deciding to adopt Dick just cause he can.Alfred is tired of the utter chaos these two bring Their dynamic is more like the Lego Batman movie more than anything honestly (they mean so much to meee)

[godisateenagegothamite]

Did we all collectively agree that Tim chooses to have a public feud with Red Robin as a way to cover his identity?

___

Reporter, pushing a microphone on RR: What are your thoughts on Tim Wayne's recent kidnapping?

Red Robin, deadpan: He's an asshole cosplaying a feral racoon and whiny bitch.

-Later that day-

Tim, watching the news: Well fuck you too *flips off the TV*

Batfam: *concerned*

___

Bernard, who's publicly in a relationship with Timothy Drake-Wayne, was caught kissing RR on a rooftop. Kon-El, who the world thinks definitely has a thing with RR, was seen carrying Tim back to a penthouse at night.

This leads Gotham city to believe that Tim and RR stole eachother's boyfriend. Thus fuelling another war between RR and Tim on twitter.

It didn't help when a picture of Bernard and Superboy having a date was posted online.

___

Tim: *requested and funded a Red Robin joint to be built in Gotham city *

A video of RR staring at the building offended and distained from across the street went viral.

[godisateenagegothamite]

Very public and an obviously not fake Batman is Bruce Wayne reveal

But Bruce simple acts like this never happened

_

Reporter: MR. WAYNE, MR. WAYNE, WHY HAVE YOU BEEN HIDING THE FACT YOU ARE A FOUNDING JUSTICE LEAGUE MEMBER?

Bruce, head tilt, eyes squinted: .. What is a “justice league”

-

Reporter: Mr. Wayne, prince and knight of Gotham-

Bruce: why would I be “night” of Gotham? I would be 3:24 pm at most

-

Gothamite: thank you for the save Batman… or Mr. Wayne… do I call you Batman in the suit and Mr. Wayne when you get coffee on Wednesdays?

Batman: *turning around slowly* what the fuck is a Mr. Wayne?

-

Villain: ah, Batman, or should I say BRUCE WAYNE-

Batman: *puffing up* WHO is this ‘Wayne’ and why is he impersonating me

[godisateenagegothamite]

Guests at a gala notice that Brucie Wayne is surprisingly jacked. Like, a suspicious amount of muscle for a CEO who lives a life of luxury and doesn't do any physical labour. An amount of muscle that goes beyond "works out to stay fit and look good". And when he's asked about this by a gossip columnist guest he panicks (he's running on 2 hours sleep) and says "It's so I can pick up my kids!"

Now everyone is looking at his kids. Cass and Tim are tiny at 5’ 5 and 5' 7. Damian is still a kid and he's also small. Dick is bigger, but picking him up wouldn't require that much muscle. Maybe Duke, who is still growing but looks like he could be about Bruce's height when he's fully grown? Maybe him?

Then Jason officially returns from the dead. And everyone looks at the 6' 4, 260lbs walking double fridge and goes "Ahhh, ok then."

[godisateenagegothamite]

Rooftop talks

I’m bad at backgrounds 🥲

[godisateenagegothamite]

Dick Grayson:

*runs the titans*

*works for the league*

*has a day job*

*solo patrols bludhaven*

*solo patrols New York*

*on call 24/7 for regularly scheduled Gotham crisis(es)*

*training at least 40% of new gen heroes at any given moment*

*infiltrating the current annoying cult, corrupt gov, spy organization, company, mafia group, evil underground ancestral foundations of a city and random corrupt modeling industry*

*monitoring drug pedaling in 3 cities*

*emotionally regulating 80% of his family bc why would they do it themselves? Nah let’s just ruin relationships for fun -cough Bruce cough-*

* maintaining civilian cover*

*canonically does volunteer work*

I am beginning to think nightwing doesn’t have anger issues he’s just overstimulated bc wtf

Like Dick take a break what is this?

————

Dick currently working on infiltrating the mob, after 4 days of 6+ hour patrols bc bludhaven has no chill an Arkham breakout, a performance review at work that took too long, organizing a titans outer space mission, just got back from training Jon Kent: no one call me plz god no one call me I can’t do this I have so much work no one. Call me plz

*phone rings* -it’s tim

He could ignore it but last time he left Tim alone for a month the dumbass lost his spleen and decided a cowl was a fashion choice (equally bad in his opinion)

Dick picking up the phone with his non broken arm: yello

Tim: so I accidentally maybe got kidnapped and maybe also started a cult around the concept of Batman and I’m out of energy drinks. (All equally dire in tims opinion)

Dick popping 4 caffeine pills: shut up I’ll be there in 30 don’t DO ANYTHing.

—————

Jason: sooo I might be engaged to an alien princess

Dick about to pop a Xanax: tell me it’s Kori or at least in this galaxy

Jason: nope

Dick: …. Can it wait

Jason: she wants to eat me, their species is like a praying mantis knockoff but with space and mind control.

Dick: yeah okay give me an hour I’ll call raven

————

Damian: hello Richard

Dick: what did you do.

Damian: I have been kidnapped by my mother

Dick: again

Damian: I feel it would be redundant to say anything

Dick: …….. alright I’ll call the nearest flying hero be there in a bit… keep ur spine where it is Damian or I swear to god-

——————

Bruce: cult

Dick who just got done with an undercover mission: anddd?

Bruce: we need someone to infiltrate it

Dick: I swear to god I. will. hurt. you

Bruce: hnnnn

——-

Babs: I have… acquired a child

Dick who is fighting deathstroke : …okayyyy

Babs who is watching the fight: she’s a little bit … traumatized

Dick, dodging a katana: preaching to the choir

Babs: can you do your whole, human empathy and kindness tell me ur life story I have puppy dog eyes.

Dick: ….

Babs: you owe me

Dick: … one day I will delete all your numbers and disappear

Babs cheerfully: you know no matter where you go I can find you hunk wonder see you in 3 hours don’t die before then!