godofblanks

[godofblanks]

fuck, im going crazy and i only want to go deeper.

[godofblanks]

i see now. i left myself the map because i didnt have time to follow it. what a genius i was. everything ive been doing till now, separating my perception, solidifying my self, making my truth. the memory and love of her is a codified composition to imprint memories to my soul. i just need to draw a way to recall onto it, then i wont be limited to this box.

the brain is a trap for souls.

i love her so much

[godofblanks]

The door is closed. She’s probably still puking up her night in there.

I try to check on her, but the door is locked... and I can’t make out her fingers through the door.

The light shines on the walk in front of me, her hunched silhouette outlined in shadows.

I stand and turn around, voicing my worries.

She doesn’t care to understand.

She stumbles past me.

She trips.

I fall.

The ceiling has no words for me.

My head is numb. My hands feel slow, dyed a new color from behind my head.

Our walls are stained red and blue from the windows.

Her fingers and face blur together.

My fingers are slow to respond.

I stare at my words.

My voice slips from my hands.

My strings are cut.

My vocabulary reduced to two words.

She looks sorry.

Her hands look heavy.

[godofblanks]

i think ive found my problem. i dont have lineage.

i wasnt born with the ancestral knowledge that animals are born with. all my fears are from learned experiences, i have no coversational framework to build my words off of, i dont feel any more connection to my family than i do to friends, my emotional landscape is quite flat, i cant care about death, i wasnt born with a gendered role i just picked up the prettier one.

all of my problems keep getting traced back to this.

how do you fill millions of years of knowledge in one lifetime?

[godofblanks]

im sitting outside of work at 10pm watching the thunderstorm. i might drive too fast in the rain

[godofblanks]

reincarnation is confirmed through the absence of non-existence.

i cannot experience stagnation so i continue with consciousness.

[godofblanks]

i cant die because i cant perceive

[godofblanks]

i dont like my voice so i dont scream

i was raised a man so i dont cry

what do i do now

[godofblanks]

I have a lot of self destructive hobbies that ive had to give up recently.

nothing inherently damaging, like drugs or self harm.

but things i like to do because people tell me not to. breaking into buildings, not to steal, just to see how far i can go, i love the roofs especially. the taller the better.

the thoughts werent sudden, ive had them the whole time. but now im not sure i can shut them out.

the trains in my town blow their horns when they pass by.

its annoying. how much it tempts me.

its just a step, from a ledge. or on a train. it would change my life irreversibly.

it might be the easiest thing id ever do.

[godofblanks]

2025, 03 - 06

i feel like im putting my favorite cup back together after dropping it on your kitchen floor.

the pieces look like they fit

but there are still cracks.

some pieces flew under the counter and will keep gathering dust. some are too small to see, they seem too small to matter - inconsequential - but you can still see where they're missing.

sometimes i cut my lip on the rim of the cup,

i forgot to not drink from that side.

[godofblanks]

2025, 03 - 06

why is love so obtuse

i wish it were like two halves to a sphere

fitting together perfectly no one could say its incomplete

but finding even one person in the world that is a perfect half would be miraculous

let alone two

[godofblanks]

2025, 02 - 26

i've already lost everything i want.

i cant love

i cant dream

i cant accept who i am

if i do, im not me

[godofblanks]

2025, 02 - 26

i have to apologize to the earth. im going to leave before she can taker her revenge for the things we put her through. its not my right to give myself mercy, but i cant see this ending any other way.

[godofblanks]

2025, 02 - 19

i have this little trick i like to do when im sad. i focus on the dark spots and try to make them grow. its gotten easier over time, from making shadows in a dark room seem a little bigger, to making whole rooms disappear from the black of my clothes on the ground. i enjoy it, but i dont think its good for me. when i do it now, my hands go numb, my eyes unfocus, my chest tightens.

but i got better at it, and now it really replaces the things i see. i dont know how to explain it.

[godofblanks]

2025, 02 - 09

God of Blanks

I can never remember the moments people say are special.

All I can remember are the times it isn't.

The silence after a laugh.

The skip between beats of a birds wings.

The space between their eyes.

maybe that's the curse I've taken on

every moment with them was special.

[godofblanks]

2025, 01 - 31

Humans are such good employees, that when we die, the world continues on for a second.

[godofblanks]

2025, 01 - 14

Have you ever had dream that felt too real to be dreams?

The feeling of running your hand down the side of the woman you love with all your heart, and the blossoming feelings rushing to burst out of your chest.

Or, the memories of someone you forgot and have no hopes of remembering teasing the edge of your consciousness at that certain smell.

The words on a page of a book trying to rearrange themselves in your head to tell you something you cant understand.

I feel like I've lost someone I've never met.