godsrejectedmartyr - Tumblr blog

[godsrejectedmartyr]

i’ve felt so alone and so bored. nothing to live for really. at least you were able to find a life purpose even without me though, right?

[godsrejectedmartyr]

my tolerance it’s too high like i literally smoked an entire 1/8 and continued hitting my pen and i was not geeked or zooted. i need to go on another tolerance break.

i also know not to take that astrology stuff too seriously but i always do think about superstitious stuff and apparently april 23 and 24 are supposed to be very emotionally difficult so i need to be able to get high at least a little bit if i go bonkers 😭

but like my stepmom wants to go get ice cream rn but if i’m not high i won’t eat and I CANT GET HIGH

[godsrejectedmartyr]

stonerexia is so easy when you have an anxiety disorder :|

[godsrejectedmartyr]

ok i think i was like manic or something cuz yesterday i spent all day sleeping and then i had a massive anxiety/panic attack and im still anxious now 😭 so

and it feels like it did the day i went back to the hospital

[godsrejectedmartyr]

You're doing awesome

thank you 😎

[godsrejectedmartyr]

best compliment i got ever.

my second to last day at the clinic this guy named tricks comes in. immediately he and i click. he was so easy to talk to and we found ourselves laughing

i was coloring pictures of puppies with crayons but they were VERY detailed. almost didn’t look like crayon. i colored one specifically for tricks. he looks down at it as it sat on the table and kinda laughed and said “that’s funny because that’s how you come off” 😭 UM?????? SUCCESSS????? GUYS MY DREAMS ARE COMING TRUE!!!!

i was also referred to as “everybody’s bitch” once, which is lowkey true because if i was told to do something i would. i befriended this one clinically insane lady named magedolena by giving her an origami lily as a peace offering. then she just starts giving me scribbled peaces of papers and told me to make her another. and then when she said “who wants to play tic-tac-toe with me?” i said “i do!” so, she handed me a contraband red ink pen and made me play this super stupid nonsensical game of made up tic-tac-toe. she instructed me to draw circles, x’s, six pointed stars, five pointed stars and who knows what on this infinity grid. somehow i won apparently and in her very usual monotone voice and stoic face says “wow, congratulations, here’s your prize, make me more of those pretty flowers” and she hands me more psychotic scribbled on paper.

the whole time i was there i didn’t eat carbs or sugars, or fats. mostly fruit and fiber. never finished a meal. there was also another patient there who was like 400-500lbs and was in a wheelchair so she could hardly push herself cuz she doesn’t have the strength, so i wheeled her around everywhere. it was hard work man. it left my legs and arms aching every time, especially when walking to the cafeteria and back to the unit.

point is i’m happy that i’m finally the baby and someone’s puppy.

tricks. when it was time for me to leave he was crying and he hugged me so tight. i was about to let go but he hugs me tighter. i think he’s poly, he repeatedly mentioned having two girlfriends and being on calls with both of them at the same time. is it bad that i’m considering trying something like that out? whatever though i wont search for it, if its meant to be it’ll come to me.

right now ima focus on working out and eating healthy. hopefully i can find a dress that looks cute on me before my cousins wedding. lots of sit ups, squats, and planks.

[godsrejectedmartyr]

accidentally posted a disgusting manic psycho selfie in fucking snap chat omg i’m so embarrassed

[godsrejectedmartyr]

i didn’t know i was beautiful.

when i was with you, i never believed you actually found me attractive. i never knew i was beautiful because you never tried to make me feel beautiful. i was constantly ignored, always second, constantly neglected. i saw the end of our relationship coming. i thought i wasn’t good enough for you. that those skinny pretty blondes with huge tits were more your fancy than some sick looking psycho suicidal obsessive freak. it took me feeling like i had lost you to realize that really the one who lost was you. it took you losing me for me to realize i really am beautiful.

i hated the idea of going back to inpatient. i hated to think of the aftermath while being there for over a week. but for the very first time in my life i didn’t find it difficult to integrate into a group of people who were already close. very quickly i found myself in a very comfortable spot with so many different kinds of people. we talked about everything and everything. they complimented my smile. i was a depressed zombie the first day i was there. they loved to see my smile. i confided in my insecurities. very quickly it was like what i had said was offensive. and the youngest dude there was like always repeating to me that i was such a sweet and lovely girl and to not let the world bring me down. very quickly i became the sunshine of unit 6. everyday that went by, old patients left and new patients came. as more days past, more people commented on my beauty.

while i was there, i became friends with schizophrenics, the clinically insane, drug addicts, alcoholics, the old, the young, the men, the women. my whole world opened up. by the end of my stay there i finally felt confident in myself. i thought to myself, maybe im really not as disgusting as i thought i was.

once i left the clinic my mom and i went to tjmaxx and bought a hair mask. we stayed at a hotel for the night and my mom started to put the mask in my hair. i stared at myself in the bathroom mirror and looked myself in the eyes. finally i saw what everyone else saw. a beautiful and young girl. with the the pretty eyes, lovely lips, and a beautiful smile. i started to cry. in that moment i finally discovered how beautiful i am. i’m still not under 100lbs but still, i feel beautiful.

[godsrejectedmartyr]

Glad you're out and feeling better

thank you so much 🫶

[godsrejectedmartyr]

IM OUT THE PSYCH WARD AND I FEEL AMAZING!!! IM IN MY HEALING ERA GUYS!!!

[godsrejectedmartyr]

idk i just feel so empty. it’s obvious that all i’ve ever done has been for him. all i ever wanted was him. all my posts on here are about him. and i hate it. i hate thinking about it. i hate how much it hurts and i hate to think about the future i hate to think about the things we enjoyed together the things i forced myself to enjoy for him. god i feel so sick i feel so used i feel so empty i feel so disgusting.

[godsrejectedmartyr]

i just feel so sick. i loved him so much. i still do, but it just feels like i’m not allowed to say i love him anymore.

he didn’t really give much of a reason. that he loved me but not the same i loved him. i felt neglected and he knew and that wasn’t something he wanted to change. he still loves and cares about me apparently, after everything him and i have been through that created our bond id be even more sick if he didn’t care about me at all. he still wants to be friends and to know he’s still there for me. but he wasn’t even there for me as my boyfriend… he won’t be there for me as a friend. not after all this.

but ik it’s not just because he says “he’s incapable” of being romantic or anything. cuz if he wanted to he would. he knew it wasn’t easy for me either but i wanted to for him so i did.

idk. i think it’s someone else. maybe someone else fit his fancy more than a disgusting fatty porky lazy disgusting trash me.

[godsrejectedmartyr]

i don’t know how to feel about the break up. i’m so mad and you sick and so upset and just—- ugh. i really wish i could kms rn. but last night my mom took me to the hospital. you could imagine what breaking my heart must look like…

i feel bad for my poor mom… it makes me even more sad to think about how much harder i make life for her. i just wish i could be with her.

i’m getting sent away again to another institution this time. idk how long but i just feel sad and anxious and dread.

[godsrejectedmartyr]

well it happened. he broke up with me.

[godsrejectedmartyr]

i feel like i need to go back to the mental hospital. i’m feel exactly the same way i did that night, well i’ve felt this over and over before. but i just want to be so violent. a part of me wants to make sure i die and nothing happens but another part wants to go back to that mental institution and maybe wait and hold on to the francine’s hope that my boyfriend might actually love me

[godsrejectedmartyr]

cunt

[godsrejectedmartyr]

gonna pick up some hash 🤯🤯🤯