gonewiththewind57

[gonewiththewind57]

Feeling low right now.

[gonewiththewind57]

No matter how painful the past between us is, I hope that somehow, someway, you know that I still care about you.

[gonewiththewind57]

I feel restless and irritable.

[gonewiththewind57]

For some reason I feel defeated today.

[gonewiththewind57]

Sometimes the PTSD that my siblings and I suffer from makes me feel so sad.

[gonewiththewind57]

I miss the times when I had the quiet house all to myself in the early morning hours.

[gonewiththewind57]

Grumpy grumpy grumpy

[gonewiththewind57]

I never thought I would get to this point but it has arrived. I no longer miss you. I no longer wish things could have been different. You aren't worth my time anymore.

[gonewiththewind57]

So today I found out your daughter has been dating someone for the last 9 months. But didn't feel she could share that information with my daughter. I've been praying to the Lord that He would make His will known to me as to whether I should come around you one more time in an effort to obtain forgiveness and closure for what lays between us. In my heart I believe this situation between our daughters is His will. Your family has obviously totally moved on from us. And that I will never know why you shunned us, me, completely. My heart still loves you and cares about you in spite of yours being ice cold and uncaring. I hope your life is what you deserve it to be.

[gonewiththewind57]

I feel tired this cloudy morning. I was excited yesterday for today too so Instacart. But this morning I don't feel like it.

[gonewiththewind57]

My heart just continues to hurt because I don't understand how you could be so cold and cruel to someone who once loved you more than anything. Someone who constantly looked for ways and opportunities to show you how much you were truly loved. My heart has lost so much more than you can ever conceive. I lost two other friendships that meant more to me than anything as well. I can't feel the deep abiding love for them or anyone because of you. When you cut me out as if I was dead or no longer existed you took everything. And the pain I feel is the not understanding of why or how.

[gonewiththewind57]

I still have moments when my heart struggles to make sense of what you did. We were once like family. But suddenly that statement made so much sense to me. You surely did treat me like family. Shunning me is exactly the way you treat your own blood relations.

[gonewiththewind57]

Feeling discouraged right now. Accepted an order to shop. When I got to the location it sent me to I couldn't get in because police had activity in the areas. I had to select another location. And getting to that store was certainly time consuming. When I finally got the orders shopped it took me a good deal of time to deliver. Of course the store I was directed to go to was too far away from the original location. There was a store not a mile from the second drop off and not more then five from the first. After being a bit frustrated dealing with all that, I proceeded to deliver the second order to the wrong house. Thankfully it was just next door but still. I feel like all I've been doing lately is screwing up.

I want my daughter to take the initiative to start working on her own. But she holds herself back. I goes that might be partly what's stressing me out. I just want to go my own way now. But she wants to continue to go with me. And she doesn't want up go where I want to go.😔

[gonewiththewind57]

It feels like everything is just slipping away.

[gonewiththewind57]

For some reason I feel incredibly sad this morning. Sad about nothing and everything at the same time. I feel like I have unfinished business at York but I don't know what it could be. In the last 13 years I've had recurring dreams that I am back at York trying to find my assigned room in the dorm. Trying to sign up for classes. Seeing other former classmates also there in some way. Some attending college again. Some there as employees. Some there for a special occasion. But in the midst of it all I can't find the reason for the recurring dreams.

I'm also feeling like I fail at everything I try to do. I feel like I have a responsibility to everyone that lives in my home. That I owe it to my grown children to work and share my earnings with them. And lately I resent it. But I am terrified of both of them being mad at me enough to not want anything to do with me if I tell them I want to work by myself and for myself. Everyone else's needs before mine. I feel I'm in so deep that I can't find my own way.

I try to pray but nothing comes. I know there are people who need my prayers for them as much as I need prayers from others. I can't love anyone like I once did before my two best friends bailed on me. One by moving far away and the other just deciding I didn't exist anymore. No closure to anything.

Lord please look deep into my heart and help me figure myself out and what to do with everything. Right now I just want to run away and too stop thinking about absolutely everything and everyone.

[gonewiththewind57]

It's going to be one of those days. I can just feel it.

[gonewiththewind57]

I’m sorry Lord for the temptations I was allowing my worldly side to contemplate giving into. Please keep me in the narrow way in all that I think, say and do.