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Im having a bad night

I cant stop thinking of you. I am in constent distress. I cant help but feel sad and it just hurts. Its a lot of pain.

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Ever feel like an alien on earth, a flower in the wrong season

secret

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fucking suffering.

i am not happy. i am suffering. i feel so alone. maybe if i feel like this long enough It’ll be normal for me. I am not even sure. I hate everything and I miss you Jasmin. I feel like you’re the only person that I can relate to. No one else gets me.

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via weheartit

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via weheartit

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Im fucking miserable

I fucking hate life. I hate feeling. I want to do all the drugs so i can fucking numb all of this. I hate it so much.

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I hope you’re okay.

Been having dreams of terrible things happening to you. I woke up with my heart beating rapidly everytime. In my dreams, you do things that end in your death. This has haunted me throughout the day. I just need to know you’re okay. I know it’s not in my place right not to worry, but you’re my best friend. I can’t but feel somewhat concerned. So I wrote you a letter. I hope I hear back from you. I really hope you are doing okay. 

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Hey there.

I can’t sleep. So I want to express my feelings and emotions. I doubt you will ever read this, but it feels good to pretend that you will. Our last break up made me feel anxious and sad because the thought of you dating and being with another guy hit me hard. But this time, I find closure in knowing that you are trying to do your best to be happy in any means necessary. It makes me happy when I imagine you laughing and having a good time without any stress or worry in your head. It makes me happy that you will be able to prove to the world that Jasmin Kim isn't a failure, but a successful beautiful soul that has so much to live for. I struggle, but hey my entire life has been a struggle. You’ve had it way worse so I cannot complain. I am going to keep writing until one day I know I’ll forgot a day. Then I’ll forget two days. And then I’ll just stop completely. Then one day I’ll look back at this and see how far I have grown to stop being codependent to you.

I really doubt I’ll ever have that experience again. That magical time I had with you that just seemed too perfect to be real. We were the best of friends and we knew each other so well. I’ll miss those memories, but I am glad I at least have them as memories.

I hope you are well. I hope you are eating well. I hope the fleas have left. I hope The Chocster is doing well too. I miss you both so dearly.

I’ll never forget you.

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Wherever life takes you, please make the best out of it.

Be happy. Live your life to your fullest. After reading a lot, I realized I was obsessed with you. I was extremely codependent on you. I was obsessed with your problems, obsessed with your feelings, obsessed with your life. It was unhealthy. I gave up everything to try and do everything for you. I thought I was doing it out of love. No. I was doing it out of codependency. Out of obsession. But I did love you and I still do and I want you to be happy. I really hope we can at least be friends in the future. What we had was just too pure. Our humor. Our hobbies. Our love for each other. It was all real. Love you Jazz. 

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It's been way too long Since I seen you, looked you in your eyes Riding 'round the town and staying out, don't wanna say goodbye Everything's so different now You're just what I'm missing now But I know that I can't have you back, I guess I'm tripping now Sometimes I start missin' you crazy Ain't nothing quite like you  Love like this keeps going and going I cannot forget you

“Missin You Crazy” - Russ

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You're in my head And I keep on forgettin'  You're here instead And it seems never ending I know, I know you've changed You don't feel the same You're in my head

“In My Head” - Peter Manos

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Now the fact that I'm alone is fucking comforting And I can't seem to shake this fucking feeling in my Cold shoulder, heart broken, misspoken I'm cut open, the fingers in all my stab wounds And if she could, she'd prolly dance On my grave, inside my head I see your face, I fucking hate That I love you still

“Carry On” - Xxxtentacion

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Codependent No More

I may have accidentally bought it on your account with my tablet. I am not sure. But I am sorry I didn’t mean too. Anyways I am learning a lot of about codependency. The book is trying to help people who are codependent, break out of that habit. So they can one day learn how to receive instead of give.  I am depressed. I am not suicidal, but if I die tomorrow I wouldn’t care. I feel like I had a good run. I know I will get better in the future, but that is how I feel right now. Helpless. No motivation. Lost.