goodnightalex

[goodnightalex]

having a special interest feels like getting a cutie mark

[goodnightalex]

I broke up with my gf yesterday. it fucking sucks, I feel so numb yet hurt but she didnt do anything wrong so idk what im hurt by. in fact, the reason we broke up was all my fault, I distanced myself from her bc I started liking somebody else a bit and didnt know what to do bc i felt so guilty about it so I subconsciously distanced myself from her.. and then it became more purposeful, I just ended up not wanting to be around her which really sucks bc she is a lovely person.

I think the worst part is that when I did end things, she just accepted it without question. its rational to be hurt by that but life is irrational so. yeah.

I also have no idea what emotions im feeling anymore, they are just all intense and right in my core, and I cant place what emotion/s they are.

this break up is messing with my brain chemistry.

[goodnightalex]

i love being in love

[goodnightalex]

i really do not fucking know what to do with my life.

i am so interested in biology i love it its amazing and i would love to go into human genetics as a field, i have so many ideas that i want to destroy and rebuild until i reach my goals. but at the same time, i have such a strong passion for film. my brain is filled with ideas for films, i have written scripts and shit and i have experience in film.

these are two completely different industries. how the fuck am i supposed to choose between the things i love like this.

it also doesnt help that i need to settle on a sixth form. one of them my girlfriend is going to where i wouldnt be studying chemistry or film (instead i would study media) and the others have a level options for film and chemistry.

im terrible at making decisions. way to fucking go, brain.

[goodnightalex]

im now dating the person who said it was their favourite 😋

the power of music lives on

i quite like the song You Are Here.

someone i know told me it was their favourite on its album and i liked it before but after that interaction ive been reading into the lyrics more and goddamn it resonates (and is also well written). thank you james marriott for bringing it into the world.

[goodnightalex]

why do i feel shame in likeing some things.

these things are: country music, asmr, minecraft, plushies, my little pony, ect

god forbid a girl has hobbies

[goodnightalex]

it always hurts to read someones suicide note, even without knowing them. to know why someone decided the world wasnt right for them is disturbing and very sad which i think is quite obvious.

im now having a little cry.

[goodnightalex]

i quite like the song You Are Here.

someone i know told me it was their favourite on its album and i liked it before but after that interaction ive been reading into the lyrics more and goddamn it resonates (and is also well written). thank you james marriott for bringing it into the world.

[goodnightalex]

i am so close to quitting twitter. i already quit tiktok bc lets face it, it sucks. twitter seems like the next step but it’s practically the only handle i have on pop culture atm so quitting it might be interesting.

on the topic of social media, i personally dont think instagram is as bad as people make it out to be in the way of negativity. i do understand it can create peer pressure but it doesnt really affect me, as much as it affects others ig.

(this next bit is just a rant on cancel culture)

twitter on the other hand is an absolute hell hole built off of cancel culture to the point where everyone has to be perfect in every way regardless of any other factors that might affect this. i have seen literal children get cancelled on that site because they said something wrong or said that they dont like someone. it is actually insane. peoples brains are still developing until the age of 25 and wont be able to make perfectly sound decisions until then. its science. its like people forget that they are people and that they arent robots programmed to not offend anyone.

and if someone gets cancelled and oh wait- you follow them, you get cancelled too by association like wtaf.

if you get into a situation where someone who you know or look up to gets cancelled, what are you even supposed to do. say the evidence is shit and you argue against it, you get ridiculed and “cancelled” yourself because you are defending the person. if you run along with it because it’s convincing or peer pressure then, sure you wont get ridiculed so much but you could also be harming others, by bullying them for their opinion in some ways (depending on how you express your distaste for the cancelee in question) more over, what if it comes to light that the allegations are false (which in the majority of cancellations that i have witnessed have been the case due to people just trying to dig up dirt on someone or faking things), what then?

what i tend to do in cancellation situations is sit and watch it burn. there isnt much else i can do. getting involved only fuels the fire and if i looked up to the person in question well i guess that fucking sucks because i cant do anything to defend them (depending on how bad the situation is obviously).

DISCLAIMER: in this insight into my thoughts of cancel culture, im not trying to say that all cancellations are unjustified and fake. i understand that sometimes they are true and people are victims of these situations. all i am trying to say is that the internet (in particular twitter) is a cesspit of misinformation and hate, where people forget that everyone is a person with their own individual thoughts and feelings towards topics. im not trying to defend anyone who has been discriminatory or a pedo or rapist, there are obviously still bad people out there. this is mostly in reference to cancellations based off of loose evidence or simply not liking someone or something. the fact i feel like i need to write a disclaimer in itself is pretty fucking shocking tbh and really shows the state of the internet and how fragile people are. i do infact have common sense, and realise people are cancelled for a reason sometimes.

anyway, thank you for reading

[goodnightalex]

i never liked my ex. the relationship was for convenience sake. we were friends and i didnt want to hurt them with rejection. we dated for a long time. i wanted to get out of it for a long time. as i said they are my ex and have been for a while now. i recently heard they are dating someone new and honestly im jealous. i dont know why, i know i never liked them that way, and i dont like them either way now. maybe im jealous of my ex for having someone and that they get to be happy. its not like their partner is a good person either. i hate that they are happy and im not. its so fucking stupid.

[goodnightalex]

im scared of the future

[goodnightalex]

Childhood

i guess this is kinda under the topic of nostalgia but i cba to make that little vent any longer.

i miss my childhood. a lot. i knew different people then. i lived somewhere else (London i miss you 😔). but as we get older things inevitably change. people change, places change, we change.

i know that if younger Alex met present Alex, she would probably have an aneurysm due to how i changed, but mostly because she thought time travel was impossible (“haha youre so funny alex” please laugh im so tired) anyway yeah we change as people, subsequently making it impossible to replicate the somewhat innocence of childhood.

maybe this is why i miss London so much and why i constantly feel homesick. i grew up there, and spent my most formative years there, so it feels like im missing a part of me.

i recently made a list of the things i miss most about London, and most of it ended up being related to my childhood, almost as if in the back of my mind i want to relive it.

i think i know why i miss my childhood, and subsequently london in general, but i dont think ill share it, its a little too personal, idk maybe i will one day.

[goodnightalex]

Crushes

crushes are something that most people experience at some point in their life. i remember my first crush. it was on a boy called ****. i look back on it and god the second hand embarrassment is unbearable. i befriend him and his friend, *****. its funny because i knew he had a crush on someone else, who happened to be one of my friends. i actually became closer with his friend and we played lots of roleplay games. specifically one where we could time travel and shapeshift with a watch (ahh good old childhood). but thats beside the point. crushes.

i dont think i’ve experienced a true crush on someone for a while. the problem being that i know when im going to develop a crush so i push myself into it and it has the opposite effect, and by that time im already dating the person. this has happened once and its close to happening again.

my first relationship was with *****. and honestly i think i may have fallen in love because when we broke up (it was inevitable, i was too nervous because it was my first relationship) i was heartbroken and it took me a very long time to get over. i dont know if thats love but, thats the closest ive come to love i think.

i think the last time i had a proper crush was on ****** *******. it was year 9 so i was about 13 or 14 (god that was a long time ago 🤠). since then i have had other crushes, but those being celebrity crushes which arguably arent valid.

celebrity crushes are a strange concept. having feelings for someone you have more than likely never met. we all have them at some point though. my guiltiness is my ongoing crush on the bassist of my favourite band (iykyk) because lets face it, hes pretty. i think with celebrity crushes, people get the sense they know the person, which in itself is very parasocial, in reality we only know a fraction of the person. i feel as if celebrity crushes start off as admiring, maybe wanting to be them. i know thats how some of mine started. and then you start playing around in your imagination. or maybe they are just conventionally attractive.

crushes are a strange experience, but a staple in life (unless your aroace then keep going bestie ily) but sadly i think ive watched too many psych2go video’s because now i can read myself and ruin all chances of me expanding on my crushes which kinda sucks (i haven’t experienced a proper crush in so long, life is getting boring help)

[goodnightalex]

i am so homesick

London Act 2

there are so many places i could go but i will always come back to you, my home. the place i love so very much. i have gone so many places, seen so many things but in the back of my mind this nagging feeling still persists. the need, the yearning to go back. i will move miles away, to the other side of the globe, cut all my ties from you, but you will still be there like a shadow, a stain, a silhouette. remnants of you still there, and so they will forever stay.

its been so many years. i love you please let me go.

[goodnightalex]

Love

i think that i have decide that i hate love. (quite ironic, isnt it?) love is the root of all my problems. my constant homesickness, caused by my love for that place, my loneliness, caused by a lack of love, the pain of not seeing gigs, caused by my love for live music. i mean now that i list it, its seems quite petty. maybe hate is too strong of a emotion for how i feel about love.

hate as an emotion in itself is strange. its said to be the opposite of love, which is often told to be hard to find and rare, yet hate is something that can be created relatively easily. i guess that really goes to show how negative the human race is.

i dont think i have much to say about hate, its probably the root of all our flaws but so is love if you think about it. they are both strong emotions and arguably can be dangerous in certain situations.

stay safe kids, dont touch love.

[goodnightalex]

Nostalgia

one thing i hate the most is growing up. time moving on without my control. i hate how the things i used to love dont feel the same anymore. i hate how i dont feel the same anymore. ive changed so much of a person. ive matured. im not around the same people. i dont have the same views i used to, or the same interests. sure some have stayed, but others have gone and i miss them. i know that i will have to move on at some point but its hard not to cling onto the feeling of longing for the past. nostalgia.

i have a lot of nostalgia for lockdown.

i had so many other friends who im now not even in contact with anymore. some were online, those friendships sparked most at that time. i miss those friends. i miss skipping out on schoolwork i was supposed to complete to play minecraft and among us all day. i miss having a crush on one of them. i miss the giddy feeling of wanting something to happen despite the circumstances, though deep down knowing nothing will. i will touch on crushes in another note at somepoint i think.

lockdown definitely tested us all but i think thats what im most nostalgic for at the moment. i remember i played the sims all day everyday for weeks while watching daily dose of internet on repeat after skimming through my work, just in an effort to stay sane. ive tried to recreate that feeling of waking up on a weekday and going straight to my computer to play my favourite game while watching one of the most wholesome youtubers but it never feels the same. and it never will. thats what nostalgia is. and what it always will be. maybe when im older i will be nostalgic of right now. wishing i was back here, at “simpler times”. do we feel nostalgic because we think it was easier then? i mean i feel nostalgic of times when i was carefree, not a worry of getting good grades, not a worry of what i wanted to be. thats really crept up on me to be honest. thinking about how i want to spend the rest of my life. i have to apply for colleges now and pick my subject. its so scary. in just a few weeks i will be taking exams that determine whether those colleges will even want me there. isnt that just so scary. maybe i wont be nostalgic of now. i hope life doesn’t get worse. it probably will though, lets face it.

[goodnightalex]

London

london is the shittiest shithole ever but i miss it. i know that if i stayed i would probably hate it. i know its flaws, its shitty businessmen, tory governors, endless streams of tourists but i still miss it. i dont blame people for killing themselves of the tubes, a terrible and horrific way to go out, sure, but london can be unbearable, stuck in an endless loop of deadend jobs, fighting to make your way in the world while also fighting to put food on the table and pay your absurdly high rent and sure, you think your going to get that raise at the end of the year but your boss is an uptight dickhead and you were late to work last week because someone decided to jump on the tracks again. its not like anyone gives a shit about that anyway, its just another inconvenience to their day.

london is shit, i know, but its my shit