gothesq

[gothesq]

the prophecy victoria had told me on the bus, she liked to laugh about.m, that i was tragic, i was meant to have a tragic life. one that knew what love tasted like but would be left without, no prospects to look forward to, before, of course, an untimely tragic end.

my thought, however, is that for an end to be tragic, it must be taking something that should be. but there is no future for me. and in this final way victoria is wrong, my end is not tragic, but well earned. the only sensible end.

[gothesq]

the fact that i try to be a good person and i still fuck everything up and i still make the people i love miserable should be proof enough of the evil in this world. the vile nature i have within me. someone please just come and exterminate whatever is left of me.

[gothesq]

is there anything left out there that someone loves? if you give me a few minutes i can fix that, destroy it and tarnish the image forever. i promise i can make everything worse.

[gothesq]

im just so fucking tired of hearing it gets better i have been waiting on it gets better for years. as soon as things get better in any way they get worse again. i cant catch a fucking break, and it’s turned me into someone else. something else. i cant continue knowing how much i have hurt someone i care so deeply about. i can’t go on knowing that i’ll never get to be a part of her life again. i ruined the absolute best part of my life, so what now? what happens now?

[gothesq]

i don’t want this life anymore if this is what it looks like if this is all its going to be

[gothesq]

everytime i wake up i feel worse

[gothesq]

i just want any fuckinh sleep i can’t handle this all at once

[gothesq]

i want to restart my life give it another shot from the beginning i can’t wait for the curtains to close by themself

[gothesq]

i hate myself so fuckinh much can sokeone just kill me i cant even sleep and i gave some how awoken more shakey more pain/upset than before i and to slsep it feels like i’m having a heart attack my heart is in so much pain and now it’s sharp and also so little fixing also two hours at most?

[gothesq]

if clarity in death then why won’t this die

[gothesq]

give up in any way honestly, make it easier for me, have my heart literally stop. everything would be so much easier

[gothesq]

i remember when i got called back by an ed clinic and i told them i had just woken up from a nap at 2 in the afternoon and they were like yeah with your numbers no winner you are so exhausted and just needs to sleep your body can’t keep you awake… why am u still awake now ive barely has anything in days, i am nonstop shaking which i know has to take energy, every movement hurts, i am dehydrated from all the crying. why can’t i just sleep? all i want is a peaceful sleep, a also where i dont even dream because the dreams hurt so much they wake me up anyway, i just need rest so badly. why can’t my body just give up yet

[gothesq]

redownloaded tiktok and my whole feed is just how to manifest and people dying like 👀 are you thinkin what im thinkin….

[gothesq]

i mean i always knew it was true right

[gothesq]

i cant handle this anymore. i dont know. i dont know. i hate my life. i hate everything. i have nothing left, and i mean nothing im literally like that bitch i have no money no prospects and im already a burden to my parents except im a burden to my family. my entire life feels ripped apart and i dont even want to put it together again. if i died it would be easier, im starting to think thats the only destiny i have. its the only destiny any of us are sure of, maybe its been mine all along. i couldve saved a shit ton of hurt along the way if any other attempts fucking worked. but maybe im just a failure in that too.

if i hadnt been a coward in sophomre year if i tried again— things getting better for a little bit is not the same as getting better. things actually get worse. all the pain is so much worse, all the everything. if being sixteen and depressed enough to die was anything than what the fuck am i at on the scale now.

i cant eat i cant sleep i cant listen to music i cant watch tv i just need the resolve to actually do it this time, to see it through.

[gothesq]

[gothesq]

i justcwish i was fucking dead instead i kept saying i shouldve just done it in december and now i have to go through this— i dont have the energy to sleep or eat or do anything i cant deal with this