graciouslypure

[graciouslypure]

Assalamualaykum Baby No. 3,

You are 17 weeks now in my uterus, alhamdulillah.

It's the first day of Ramadhan today, and second day of school for Abang Fahim. Abang is in Standard 1 now.

We have just finished reciting juzu' 5, surah AnNisa'.

Yesterday, abang and abang adik were so brave facing their first day of school. Abang paved his way to the school gate by himself and braced his first standard 1 assembly with mathurat. Abang adik started his first day at the preschool alone after 8 months we moved here. Abang and abang adik were marvellous last year adapting to the new environment Allah has put us in for the past few months.

But today,

Abang didnt want to go to school. Mama and Daddy were happy though, abang got up for sahur for the first time today, but he refused showering and had his tantrums. We were supposed to leave the house at 6.30am, so we can reach school by 7.15am. At 7am, we were still at home, mama struggling to prepare abang and abang adik for school. Alhamdulillah abang adik cooperates well this morning.

So when we reached abang's school, it's already 7.55am, super late! But abang has clamed down and he smoothly got down the car and entered the school. Alhamdulillah.

But when we reached abang adik's school, justtt before 8.20 when the gate closes, abang adik cried and cried, and even lie on the floor, refusing to let go mama. After few seconds, he gave in and followed his teacher.

Oh baby number 3.

Today was indeed beautiful.

Now I am waiting for daddy to complete his MRI in a hospital nearby. Last Saturday, daddy represented his workplace for volleyball, and accidentally fall after a slight mis-step. Xray was ok, but 4 doctors suggested MRI. Today marked 4th day Daddy walks on crutches. Baby please make du'a daddy will be ok ya. Daddy made plans to masjid hopping for terawikh this year, but Allah knows best. We had our first terawikh at home last night. With abang and abang adik following now and then. It was lovely.

Baby no. 3,

Did you remember our umroh together?

Mama was in Saudi for an official matter late last year, and managed my first umroh with daddy, abang and abang adik. We hardly knew you were with us, baby. Mama carried abang adik for whole tawaf and saie, and you, baby, are VERY STRONG! Allahuakbar, Mama always wondered how I got to carry abang adik for the whole time, with so many other pilgrims, it was subhanAllah magical!

Baby no. 3,

You are very strong! Masha Allah

When we tested positive with you, mama started being extra careful. Mama used to climb the stairs to reach my office. Sometimes mama climbed 6 levels to class. One normal day, there were spottings. It was asar, and mama was preparing for prayers. Mama cried my heart out, and that night, our case was deemed as threatened miscarriage. You were 6/7 weeks. Alhamdulillah, after scanning, all is well. We had proper test when registering for buku pink, and you are all well alhamdulillah alhamdulillah alhamdulillah.

Baby No. 3,

You are VERY STRONG Masha Allah!

Mama was even tested positive for Covid! Miraculously, abang and abang adik behaved so well, as mama needed to quarantine. It was the best rest after a looonnng time! I slept so well for the whole quarantine period we had!

Ya Allah, this Ramadhan, I pray:

Please heal us all,

Free فلسطين ,

Accept our du'as and ibadah,

Grant us children who are the coolness of our eyes,

Take us in iman and Islam ya Allah.

To my husband,

May Allah cure you, may Allah cure our hearts, may Allah guide us to His Jannah.

To my strong baby no. 3, masha Allah.

All of us await you with glee and hope. Please be safe in sha Allah

[graciouslypure]

Tonight as I tuck in my 4 months boy to sleep, a gush of emotions came as I remembered the possibility of him having hearing problems in his early days.

Puan, nanti datang follow up untuk test pendengaran baby ye, baby tak pass test dalam lima hari ni.

Wait, what? Okay, he was delivered by emergency c-sect, warded in NICU for tachychardia, and now this? I nodded just because to be discharged after almost a week at the hospital during RMCO was a bit of relief.

Come the referral test day. I was too anxious. What if he doesnt pass the test yet again? " It would be a totally different plan," I told my husband. I'll stay home and attend and assist him through therapies and all. The wait was horrendous.

Medicinenet.com explains that Otoacoustic emissions (OAE) are sounds given off by the inner ear when the inner ear structure known as the cochlea is stimulated by a sound. When the sound occurs, the outer hair cells of the ear vibrate. This produces an almost inaudible sound that throws an echo back into the middle ear.

The person conducting the test inserts a small probe into the ear canal to measure the sound; those with certain levels of hearing loss do not produce these very soft sounds.

The test can also detect the presence of middle ear fluid, which can temporarily affect hearing.

Moreover, a study by Tatiana Smolkin et al., Pediatrics (2012) concluded that Caesarean Delivered (CD) infants had significantly higher failure rates on first OAE hearing test. They speculate that CD is accompanied by retained fluid in middle ear which may impair neonatal hearing. The timing of first OAE after CD should preferably be postponed beyond 48 hours of age to improve OAE passage and minimize maternal anxiety and costs.

Anxiety and costs. Definitely.

The audiologist was jolly and attempted the test for the first time. Baby was restless and cried a lot. He failed the test yet again.

Puan tenangkan anak dulu ye,

(More like tenangkan diri sendiri dulu)

We went out, clean his poop, calmly feed him, and return to her office.

"Ok, kita test masa tidur ni ye." She said.

Bismillah....

This side is ok.

"Ok. Jom cuba telinga yang tak dengar".

The two minute test felt like two hours.

Then I saw the graph. Please dont stay flat... half way through not much changes. Then. The line goes up. Up. Up. Pass the threshold.

"Ok. Anak puan tiada masalah. Baby boleh dengar."

I cried behind my mask. She smiled and I thanked her, as we leave.

It hadnt been an easy week. Or month. Both for baby and I. We had appointments every week at the hospital and follow ups at the clinic. Baby had jaundice the last day we were at the hospital and so we had to follow up at the clinic. My hormones were all over, affecting my BP, until I had to take on medications up to 8th week. I was even placed in emergency for having too high of BP. Besides, the anxiety was so great, I was so scared that my gestational diabetes would turn to diabetes mellitus type II. Luckily it didnt, when I passed the MGTT test on week 6 after delivery. On top of those, I had multiple work interviews during pantang. It was both challenging and memorable, all the preps and sessions.

Alhamdulillah ala kulli hal.

Nikmat Allah yang mana yang kau dustakan?

[graciouslypure]

At last, 18th June, 2020- 11.40am, he arrived.

"Puan, tukar katil"

I could barely lift my hand out of the 12 hours contraction (including five hours of intensed ones).

Tak boleh Dr.

Boleh, gerak ke sini puan.

I practically threw my self to the next bed.

Hello OT! We meet again!

Puan, kita bius belakang ye, sejuk sikit.

I do feel the procedures took longer and my weariness is. More.

Mana baby ni?

Then the baby came,

Baby puan boy ke girl?

Boy, I said.

They allowed me to kiss his plump cheeks for quite long. Last time it was a mere 3 seconds. This time round, I had longer skin to skin contact. Fahim was in his bodysuit, but this time, baby was properly wrapped. All cleaned.

Then I heard something.

Baby NICU.

My heart skipped a beat. But I was too tired. Too, too, too tired.

They pushed me to the waiting room. It was around 1, and I asked for my phone...

.

.

PAC lounge was not so packed.

"Nurse, isteri saya dah beranak ke?" For the umpth time. The last message was at 8, and it's almost 1.

I was frantic, almost numb, and at lost for words. I prefer to be in the labour room with her, in the know of things. RMC effects.

"Isteri encik dah selamat bersalin. Baru keluar OT,"

.

.

"Sayang, saya dah beranak. Caesar."

I didnt cry in the OT, but I cried when I heard him over the phone.

"Takpe, kita kan dah bincang semua sebelum ni, jangan nangis..."

I dont know if its the exhaustion, or overwhelmed, or his voice.

"Tapi baby dekat NICU, saya tak tahu kenapa,"

"Takpe, nanti saya tanya, awak rehat la ye. Tidur,"

Assalamualaykum, my 3.7kg RMCO baby boy!

[graciouslypure]

To VBAC or....... not?

16th June 2020

Its RMCO, I am 40 weeks pregnant with no signs of delivery. That Zuhr, due to GDM, I dragged my reluctant self to the hospital. My husband and I- with a whirlpool of emotions, looked at our firstborn, vividly waving as we reversed the car out. After this, it will never be the same...

Since the 'no husband allowed' rule took place at the hospital, I braved my way into the PAC alone. I looked at my husband ardently, seek for his forgiveness, asked for his du'as and walked out of the car. By Asr, I was in the waiting room. Met few friends while waiting to be warded. We exchanged experiences. The supposedly tensed wait becomes bearable. I learned on breast feeding disciplines of pumping, to be mentally ready for the journey, how to not get constipated by taking grapes, how to push the baby, and 101 other tales. We had our fair share of laughs and thoughts. By Isya', I was called out upstairs.

Now. This is a totally new experience! I always have this idea whereby you'll get some signs to pop, like the normal pecah ketuban or turun darah, then you directly go for labour. But here I am. With a lot of mothers, of different cases, warded before going off for labour. I slept through the night with another set of new friends not knowing what tomorrow will bring...

17th June 2020

"Puan, kita cek CTG dan BP ye." I was notified on my high BP since 39th week during my last check up. The trend continues...

That Subuh, the doctor waked me up to induce labour. In the treatment room, another doctor tried 'buka jalan' Allahuakbar! I screamed a bit and straight away I was 3cm dilated. Ok, so you dont have to be induced ya? We'll wait till 5cm and send you to the labour room.

Happily I went to bed and start mingling with everyone. I met my click from downstairs in different rooms of the ward. I went to different rooms to use the washroom, and met with different stories.

This mother lost her baby at 6 months. She came to scan gender of the baby, and during the scan, her baby was no more.

This mother fell at 7 months, and needed to be warded for monitoring.

This mother have a breech baby. She's 37 weeks and needs to wait till her baby engaged.

This mother had her fourth baby. But only plans to breastfeed her baby at the hospital. Previous babies and mastitis caused her to underwent nipple incision on her left breast.

I treasure all these stories as every pregnancy and birth is unique.

Come Maghrib, I started to feel the contraction. I asked for second check and I was only 4cm dilated. Blood clumps started to come out when I peed. Then I quickly perform my Isya prayers as the pain became intense in a jiffy. I slowly walked up and down the partition to ease labour. Tears started to well up. I climbed up the bed and contraction comes twice in half an hour. The kakak beside my bed urged me to notify the nurse or the doctor but instead I slept through the pain...

18th June 2020

It's around 3am when I woke to pee. More blood clumps were seen and as pain intensifies, I called out the nurse to check my dilation. It's already 5cm. I thank this particular nurse for attending to me and made effort to call and check on the availability of the labour room. Around 4am, I had doctors and nurses attending to me in the labour room.

The first doctor artificially break the water and had to wait till 9am to see if I dilate to 9 or 10cm. The wait was horrendous. I experience contraction every 10 minutes! By 7am, I had two nubains, no petidine, no laughing gas, no epidural. I requested for a c-sec.

Tak boleh bedah suka-suka ye puan, ctg cantik ni, kita tunggu lagi.. By then, the pain was 10/10. My legs shivered. I was frantic. Puan jangan jerit ye, nanti habis tenaga nak push.

I begged a nurse to hold my hand. Tolong pegang tangan saya, nurse, (nope, not your favorite patient. Haha) but she went. Ya Allah adik, kuat sangat sakit awak ni, selawat adik... that comforted me enough. Composed, with a lot of painful tears, I practised the breathing technique again. But not for long..

Dr. Please! Saya nak caeser.

Three doctors came in, checked my openings, asked me to push when I was dilated to 9cm. It was 9 am -ish. (Clock was in front of me,). Kejap tengah contraction. Ye puan, push masa contraction. (Haha) I could barely hold my breath for 3 seconds. No cant do. A lady doctor said. Cervix, 1. I dont know what the medical terms mean throughout the active labor... "kita tunggu sejam lagi ye puan," "oh nooooo!"

Dr., saya dah tak boleh tahan lagi sejam, saya nak caeser.

Puan betul nak caeser?

Yes!

He briefed me, I signed few forms. They pushed me to the OT.

Dejavu..

To be continued.

[graciouslypure]

28th Ramadhan 1441h

36 weeks 1 day

#day65mco

Dear Baby Number 2,

Today Daddy accompanied us to the hospital for O&G follow up.

1. To check on my previous scar,

2. To follow up on your growth cause on our last visit to the clinic, your biparietal diameter was somewhat small, and;

3. To know the chances of VBAC.

I was scared when the doctor referred us to the PAC last week. Since it was enhanced MCO, I had to go alone while Daddy babysits Abang Fahim. I think we went to four appointments during the lockdown, and you were very well behaved! With the new normal, plus, clinic renovations and Ramadhan, we had to wait outside under the temporary camps to allow social distancing. Or else the clinic would be over crowded. But under these circumstances, Malaysians are still very understanding and everyone waited patiently to be called out.

The frontliners were so brave and diligent! Gathered in almost full PPE, attended to us so responsibly, every time. Well, I can tell you, it was not the best condition, to temporarily squeeze the whole maternity clinic in a small department of the new clinic, but they were so pro to fully utilize the space and make do with what's available. Hats off to them! The doctors too never downgrade their service, even though they have to attend to endless visits. For this, I feel truly blessed and grateful. We are so lucky to be under the best health system in the world. Alhamdulillah!

At this stage, mama had countless joints and ligaments pain, I peed a LOT of times and my constipation lessens. It becomes harder to walk, especially long walks, and I could not bear Abang Fahim's weight anymore.

Today Mama finished 30 juzu' of Al-Quran, specially dedicated for you. I did it when was pregnant with Abang Fahim and I feel obliged to be fair to you too Lillahitaala. I hope you will be a good servant to Allah and be the coolness of our eyes... forever till jannah.

Only two more days, I havent missed one day of fast this year alhamdulillah. With GDM, I am thankful that you allow me to fast, baby number 2!

We love you, and we cant wait to see you baby!

[graciouslypure]

Dear Baby Second,

Momma can still recall being so so so overwhelmed when I received my Doctor of Philosophy scroll last October. I can feel the rush of emotions. Was it the burden lift? The anxiousness on the upcoming uncertainties? The (small) self-achievement? Or the first convocation session at the best university in the country with over 400 PhD earners, all feeling disbelief and lucky and just too grateful for this particular journey to finally ends? Tears rolled down my cheeks once seated after being awarded and they hardly stopped till I (or we?) got out of the Chancellary Hall....

To the least of my knowledge, you little one, your little self was experiencing the whole thing too, baby! You realized my other dream to receive my scroll with a little life with me.

So, it was the hormones after all. None of the above really matters once the dream is fulfilled. It's done and dusted. Of course alhamdulillahi Rabbil alamin, but honestly, you are back on square one. Still in the rat race of securing jobs and what not. The questions on when to finish PhD changed to oh, you are still unemployed. Yes, right now, thats my status. A struggling home maker with a PhD.

Well I couldnt recall any extreme morning sickness, but this time round, I find it quite hard to force my self vomiting in the first trimester. I experienced a bad constipation that made me changed from zincofer to obimin. I endured dreadful backpains and could hardly sleep well starting the second trimester.

But dear baby second,

You are definitely one strong, lucky baby.

You graduated with me,

You grew through the new decade 2020,

You supported me through endless job applications and interviews,

You experienced flights to BDO and PDG,

You saw the pandemic of H1N1 and Covid-19,

And latest, Malaysia's historical political scene! It's so epic, Alhamdulillah for the sistem raja berperlembagaan that was implemented.

Yes you are showing and more visible now. Daddy, Mama, and abang Fahim cant wait to see you. We talk to you everyday and abang Fahim started to understand your presence. Other family members are thrilled too! Acik Ira even helped Daddy and I to set up your room! You will be abang Fahim's roommate. See you raya in sha Allah!

Note: It's Rejab now, baby. In 2 months we will enter Ramadhan, let's try puasa dan beribadah penuh ye. Amin.

[graciouslypure]

I was texting my girlfriend on breast pumps, when a sudden surge of emotions swept me.

It was past 3am when my baby was placed beside my bed. The ambience in the ward was serene, I was still numb due to anaesthetics, too exhausted of the 12 hours drama of bringing a little khalifah into the world. Both of us slept through Subuh.

After few hours of sleep, I could finally feel my body. I got up slowly, reached for my precious baby, and he started crying. Miraculously, Allah granted me strength to attend to him for the first time. He cried so loud that the nurse came and assisted me. "Susukan dia, puan."

That's when it all started.

I did not know how to properly cuddle him, awkwardly lifted him and placed him to my chest. He couldnt latch, and after few attempts, not even a drop of milk came out. I started panicking. All nurses that came near my bed that morning helped me to breastfeed and alas, when my nipple cracked blood, my baby had a taste of colustrum. The pain was so intense, but the pain of hearing and watching my baby in hunger was much much much more.

So the nurses just assisted the baby to latch and let him there for a while. Then he was quiet. I didnt know if he got any milk or not, but he seems comfy. Then, his first poo. It was the hardest thing. The nurse came again to guide me. It was so new to me. Having taken care of four siblings when I was little, it didnt occur to me this would be so awkward and daunting. "Puan pegang betul-betul anak puan." Maybe stressed seeing me handling my baby, she changed the diaper and swaddle him. Yes. I didnt even know how to do that.

At this point, I started feeling stressed out. I called my husband but to no avail. Ibu called informing my husband just woke up after reaching home at 4am after the procedure. "Tapi dia kata nak datang pagi..." Ibu comforted me, "Sekejap, dia penat sangat tu dah macam zombi, ibu bagi makan sekejap lepas tu terus pergi hospital." When he came, I cried and cried and cried and scolded him for coming late.

I was like a child, asking the teacher on how to draw a ball. I kept asking all the nurses who came on the techniques of breastfeeding, even my mom and aunties had to teach me. Its normal not to have a flow of milk at first, but my baby, is one hungry baby. Maybe because of the stress, I couldnt produce well. His cries didnt help either. So that evening I asked my sister to bring formula milk. And of course it was against the hospital rule. With a syringe, I fed my baby. Relieved I was.

On the next nurse round, "mulut baby macam dapat susu dari syringe je ni," aku senyap. Dalam hati, "ye, saya beri susu formula," That night, condition worsens. No milk, I had to beg the nurse to feed him. So for two midnights, my baby was fed. Other than that, zero. Nada.

I was at the hospital for five days for them to monitor me after the operation. One night, the baby just could not stop crying. The other mothers in the ward were with their babies sleeping peacefully, so they were outraged by the screams and continuous cries from mine. That was my limit. I almost went cuckoo. I begged and begged the nurses to take my baby. The nurse for that round pitied me, took the baby from me and there I was: my peaceful 30 minutes. On third night, I was exhausted. Really really tired. I even asked: " boleh tak lari dari hospital?" "Puan masuk ada prosedur, keluar pon ada prosedur." I cant take it anymore. When the specialist told me my wound was healing well, I was over the moon. Means I could go home. Unfortunately, due to no breast milk, my baby was down with jaundice. That spared us another two long nights at the ward. It was horrible!

I had many supportive visitors, but all they saw were haggard new mother and chapped lips baby out of thirst and hunger. I was embarassed. I was mad at my self, for not being able to function, mad at the baby, for crying non stop, mad at the rules for not allowing formulae milk in the ward, my heart was filled with anger and madness instead of gratitude and thankfulness. It was disastrous.

Finally when I got home, I suffered mild postnatal depression but from the support from family and friends, I survived. My milk slowly came after massage, the conducive homey environment and ibu's confinement foods helped stress to fade, baby's jaundice went off. Slowly joy started creeping in, all the madness went away and I am one grateful mama.

Alhamdulillah.

Note: Still traumatized by the experience, I took extra effort this time round to be more prepared. Looking back, I would still cry on this particular experience. Allah please.help.me.

[graciouslypure]

Twenty twenty

It is 8th of January 2020.

Honestly, I cant feel the transition of the decade at all (if it was not for the count down on tv2).

Late December 2019 and early January 2020 saw us in such profound situations, an awakening to a humble start of the year, start of the decade.

Fire in Australia, bombing here and there, flood, pandemic, etcetera etcetera.

Through December, my sister suffered from a severe headache, that wont allow her to even stand up properly, affecting her whole head, down to the neck and right shoulder. She depended on painkiller to go through everyday. To make it worst, as a final year dental student, she could hardly attend to her patients. This went on for weeks and the GP suggested her to see a neurologist as they could not detect her problem. She kept on delaying coming back as she feels that she had a lot to complete and on the other hand, she had'nt prepared for any diagnosis.

As she could barely handle the continous and horrendous pain, she flew home and set an appointment with a neurologist at a private hospital (after several arrangements). At this time, I was lucky because my little brother was around, along with my sister's best friend to accompany us. She undergone CT scan and MRI, and was suspected glioma, with diffused hyperintense lesion on the right cerebullar cortex. As laymen, we were so worried with this condition, as the specialist suggested another MRI if the pain persist after some medication, thatvis after two months. However, ibu consulted our cousin and a family friend, and they asked to seek for second opinion.

Allah is great!

Ibu's friend suggested another specialist in a government hospital who subspecialised in neurointerventional radiology. He suggested that my sister come home again by end of that week as her condition may deteriorate fast and January would be too late. So again, she came back in the same month, underwent another set of MRA and MRI and it was confirmed right pica territory infarction. There were necrosis tissues in the blood vessels, inhibiting it to supply blood and oxygen to certain area of the brain. In simple term, its stroke! Stroke? Stroke, people! It's a mild stroke but if goes untreated, could cause paralysis. Condition is not reversible but can be prevented in other places. Once the brain cells are dead, they can not be regenerated. Naudzubillah min zalik.

I have to state that my sister is an active, healthy 26 year old. She goes gym at least twice a week and eats healthily. I mean: she cuts sugar, and drinks plain water most of the time too! What could possibly go wrong? So the specialist referred her to another neurosurgeon for the treatment management. Alhamdulillah, it wasnt a rare case, a lot of older people gets them, but in youngsters, statistically only one case per year.

Now, just as my sister flew back to her place, my son was down with a high fever. This was the last day of 2019. Just four days before, we went for a follow up with a paedatrician on his speech delay at another hospital (the last appointment it seemed, as fahim has overcome his problem, alhamdulillah). We went to our usual outing to the mall on the weekend before too. On the first day of 2020, we went to see a GP as Fahim's temperature didnt subside even after pcm supp. So the GP prescribed diclofenac sodium (NSAID) (yes, wait for it!) besides antibiotic and flu syrup. We happily returned home cause after one whole day, that's the only medication that made Fahim's temperature back to normal. So we continued giving him the supps up to day 4, having used 4 whole supps...

On Day 3, my husband then catch a cold too. His, was different. He could feel the heat and pain, concentrated on the head and eyes area. He shivers a lot and his cold sweats dampens our couch. So the next day, again we went to GP, and he tested my husband for Influenza.. And he was Influenza A positive. We were so sure that he got the virus from Fahim, so the doctor referred us to the hospital. At this time, my good old friend told me not to use the NSAID. And just minutes after, the news spread of acute encephalopathy associated with influenza in small kids and NSAID was everywhere! On whatssap, facebook, news, you name it! We freaked out and worried sick! Even at the hospital, (we chose another government hospital) the emergency department couldnt admit my husband and fahim, but politely gave us quarantine leave for five days and some medication for the whole quarantine time. She said at least 50 positive cases of influenza were referred there daily! Definitely an outbreak. But after 2 weeks if the symptoms still around or the condition worsens, we were to come back to the hospital. Even the supposed medicine for Influenza were reserved only for critical patients. We had to make sure Fahim and Fahmy drinks lotss of water and take PCM timely.

So, quarantine. Seems simple.

When you are in your second trimester, with a toddler and a husband with Influenza A to take care of, its farrrr from simple, ladies and gentlemen.

(At this point I am still contemplating to write on the challenges or not, seems ungrateful and as if I am the only one facing this, but as a wife and a mother, you learn every now and then, forever. So. Here are some for the memories.)

1. Your kid who lovesss medicine refuse to take medicine the time you wanted him to and I literally had to force him with a taek-wan-do white belt that I have. And pcm is 4 hourly.

2. His temperature would stay at 39 degree celcius. Come down around 37.8-9 for an hour, after an hour or 2 of pcm, than you feed him another round of pcm. Back to 1st point.

3. As temperature hardly comes down, you had to "jerlum" a loghat we learned from the emergency medical officer. And this boy refused to place a wet cloth on his head! Whats more, under his armpits or other parts of the body!

4. He refused milk. At one time I thought ok maybe "nak putus susu". I was glad too, but what I did, made him syrup drink in a 300ml bottle, and he survived on only that daily (and some liquid when we feed him medicine). When he woke up zillion times at night, he'll drink from that syrup too. No milk for few days. This worries us too, but 300ml better than nothing.

5. What is clingy again?

6. Your husband's temperature wont come down and he's not his usual self for few days was distressing.

I mean, its a different level of sabr altogether! Honestly, I didnt think I'll survive. Body ache, mentally and physically exhausted. I am definitely not one with the most patience on earth, I admit. Everyday praying for strength and an end to this episode.

.

.

.

Allahuakbar Allahuakbar Allahuakbar!

After a torturous yet meaningful week, Fahim and Fahmy recovered. Alhamdulillah. Thumma alhamdulillah.

This was a great kick start of our decade.

And Fahim started asking for his milk as usual.

.

.

.

So people, in 2020,

1. Listen to your body. Dont stress yourself too much. If you detect something unusual, no harm checking.

2. Stroke can happen to anyone, anytime. Lead a balanced life. At least it lessens the risk.

3. Drink plenty of water. Everytime. Better yet.

4. Get vaccinated. Cant stress enough on this. Flu vaccine's available. I had it during last umrah I think. Prevention is better than cure.

5. Sabar sabar and sabar.

6. Cant believe we are in Year 2020! Have a great decade! In sha Allah

[graciouslypure]

Playschool

Assalamualaykum Faahimmmm!

Jom bangun mandi nak pergi sekolah!

He pulled the duvet up to his chest, smiling.

He didnt budge, even after few encounters.

He playfully grabbed the pillows and hugged them.

He rolled up and down the bed, with his cheeky smile and twinkling eyes.

I on the other hand, cant help myself laughing.

I called my husband at work with hope he'll succeed in persuading him, but.

No choice.

We were running late. Picked him up for a quick shower and got him ready about 10 minutes. Wasnt easy at all, didnt want to shower, he rolled while putting diaper, ran while putting on shirts, or combing his hair, plus other mischievous acts.... but I managed alhamdulillah.

It was raining.

As we neared the school, my heart thumped harder, felt heavier and anxious-ness spiked!

By this time, my toddler was already intrigued by the small play area outside the school and cant wait to get off the car.

I pulled out the colourful umbrella and brought him in the school compound.

Sounds of nursery rhymes and kids playing were heard. Two 3 year olds came out and called out: Baby! Baby!

The teacher went: He's not a baby, he's two already, just like you..

Fahim hold on to me tight.

Fahim go inside, meet new friends?

Scared was written on his face. And he started to tremble.

I quickly put him down and the teacher picked him up inside.

He saw lots of other friends and barely noticed me leaving. But I called out his name to say bye. At that time I was quite perplexed. That's it? He didnt even salam or kissed me! (I know, selfish.) My voice trembled. He turned and started crying.

Then,

They closed the door.

My heart thumped harder. My eyes blurred.

This is it.

Turn around and go home.

Got in the car and told eveything to my husband, then my mom came. (She too was excited to send of her first grandchild to school).

Parents kena tabah. Sampai bila nak peluk je anak awak tu. Dah besar la tu kena belajar berdikari.

Past milk time, the teacher sent his photos. He played. Painted. Cuddled by the teacher. But. He did not looked genuinely happy... Tears rolled down my cheeks. But it was his first day. No. Our first day. We are in this together, son.

It was hard for both of us.

School ends. Teacher reported that he only cried when I left and when he remembered me (or home) during his playtimes. Cant he speak? She politely asked. His friends were trying to converse with him but they couldnt understand him... Oh, he has delayed speech problem. On my last visit to the paedetrician, she suggested playschool. So I inquired if we could have trial classes here. We'll see how it goes, as I have opted for speech therapy classes too.

Good first try!

Allah help us for the nexts.

Assalamualaykum Fahim, Good morning!

[graciouslypure]

The Unbelievable Journey

End 2014.

So I decided to pursue my studies.

In my dream university.

My supervisor was a friend during MSc.

Halal is still the subject key.

It's ok, Nina, really, it's just a PhD.

But. Allah has a lot more plans for me, definitely.

April, 2015.

From UPM, to UM I returned.

For a title change, in semester second.

From analytical chem, to molecular wagon.

And a whole new book so dear to me, to plan on.

Oh, just a moment!

Who is that man, tall and handsome?

Third Semester, 2015

Research life was very interesting,

Reading, reading, reading and reading,

Tonnes of labwork, cycle non-stopping.

Thinking, writing, conferencing and meetings,

Chasing deadline, progress reporting, paper submitting (and paper rejected),

With lots of outings, sports, eating, coffees, and playing in between.

And a sweet engagement towards semester ending?

May 2016

I.got.married!

My joyful self could not believe it!

Naughty doubts crept in, could I befit?

Juggling studies and marriage?

Adaptation was a challenge, but wait!

Soon enough, I.got.pregnant, delivery awaits!

Semester five was a roller coaster ride,

Pushed the labworks hard, day and night,

Albeit the unborn baby, no excuse to that.

Who can deny the rizq, from Divine All Might?

As nine months creep in, work was barely,

2017 April, came the little me,

All of us were very glee,

Forever duty, as Mommy and Daddy,

Precious gift, granted by Illahi,

So semester six, another responsibility.

Believe it or not, its semester seven!

With work loads still in hand, my scholarship ends.

That's when I teach for one sem,

As a temporary lecturer in UiTM,

With students around, such a fulfilling time.

And my first paper published, oh, relieved!! I am.

2018- This year,

I strive for my last chapter,

For a story called 'life', I fight harder,

The second paper was published soon after,

And not much later, a book so dear.

FINALLY, with A LOT of hardwork and du'as to The Maker,

My thesis prevails at the end of eighth semester.

Submission was no joke, no laughing matter,

But remember, Allah is the All Hear!

And of course an infinite thanks to supervisor and supporters!

So now, Nina, Let's wait for viva with all the jitters.

And to lovely people, pleaseee make du'a for her?

Terima kasih ye, hanya Allah dapat membalasnya...

October, 2018

[graciouslypure]

#Repost @isfadiah with @repostapp ・・・ Gantung harapan hanya kepada Allah... Salam selamat Malam semua sahabat... Tazkirah Jumaat Quit- such a big word, So big that so much you hurt, Felt blurr, so absurd. Challenge, yet to be conquered? #haikubyquiah

[graciouslypure]

Dari mengengsot laju,

Kamu berlatih merangkak terlalu berhati-hati menyusun tapak tangan ke depan risau terngadah,

Tidak lama, Kamu mula memanjat-manjat sambil suku-kata pun bertambah,

Terus, kamu berdiri megah dengan berpaut cuma tangan sebelah,

Kini dengan walker bebas gah.

Dan hari ini, gigi pertamamu terasa dicelah rekahan gusimu yang merah.

Terlalu cepat perkembangan kamu wahai anak bertuah,

Baru semalam rasanya bertamu di bilik bedah.

7 bulan sudah menjengah.

Dan aku, tidak mahu tidak, harus terus bertabah menggagah.

09112017

[graciouslypure]

#jodoh

[graciouslypure]

Ultimate Dream

Sayanggg…. Do you want to know about my dream just now?

It was surreal! Best sangat!!!

I got through Harvard!! There, I was in the Student Council, And on top of that, I was among the debaters!

I questioned them on my post. Who is so determined to have me in the Student Council. I even remember chatting with Abah on how and why Allah puts me in Harvard.

Elated, I jumped up off my sleeping position half laughing.

Bestnyaaaaa!!!! I added.

My husband responded with a chuckle. To get admitted to Harvard- believable. The latter…. made him laugh.

Sayang, you even dream academics! That.is.so.boring! People dream on having chased by ghosts, or getting a new car or something like that (giggled)… and continued shaving his moustache.

Well, happiness is relative! We both laughed as I salam and hugged him before he leaves for work. Happy working, Sayang… I whispered. From budak Harvard. Hahahahahah

——————————————————————–

That Dhuha, Something hit me.

I was so thrilled with that dunya offer. That dream got me flying on cloud nine.

This Ramadhan, imagine this. All of us got our ultimate dream!

We.got.through.JANNAH! SubhanAllah! The eternal happiness! We’ll get just about anything that the heart desires! We got His forgiveness, His love, His redha, His mercy, We got to see our beloved prophet, Muhammad saw and the companions.. The best of all, we get to meet our creator, Allah subhanahu wataala!! Allahu…

But. We questioned how and why are we here? Which deeds got us here, and who is so determined to place us in this beautiful paradise?

Ohhhhhhhhhh No.words.can.describe.the.moment.

Its Ramadhan people!!! Let’s make THIS dream comes true!!

Allahumma innaka afuwwun kareem, tuhibbu a'fwu, fa'fuanna.

Allahumma inna nas aluka ridhoka wal jannah wanauzubika min sokhhotika wannar.

17 Ramadhan 1438 Nuzul Quran

[graciouslypure]

1 Year Hijrah Fahmy and Nina

8 Syaaban 1437 - 8 Syaaban 1438 Dearest Husband, Little that I know, When Allah led me to enroll for the Permanent Head Damage path in UM over a handsome contract post at the Ministry of Foreign Affairs, He led me to you. My plan was simple and clear. Go register. Read. Research. Conference. Publications. Candidature defence. Viva. Correction. Cries in between. 3 years. Convo before 30. That's all. And when my supervisor calls me back from an attachment in UPM, I was about to witness the biggest change in my life. "Assalamualaykum, dekat mana saya boleh cek senarai chemicals?" Bubbly and jovial, straight forwardly I asked.Our first brief and innocent encounter. Everything after came so naturally. The friendly outings post lab with everybody, lunch, coffee sessions, futsal, table tennis, badminton, basketball, and et cetera. Until one day when you accompany me to a basketball selection (which I did not get through.) The interrogation session took place. "Kalau betul nak menikah, jumpa la bubah saya." Little that I know, We would get engaged 4 months after 'meet the parents' sessions, We then got married 4 months after the short and sweet engagement, We were blessed with a beautiful son 11 months after that! Alhamdulillah. Towards a week to habis pantang. Now, it would be wonderful if I could sum up my theses and research too, wouldnt it? We plan, but Allah is the best planner. I never took my studies for granted. But life happens. Happy 1st Anniversary, Sayang! I love you!

[graciouslypure]

3rd May. Marks your first birthday, As my husband- your forte, And a daddy night and day. Happy 29th Birthday, Sayang! I love you so much! #haikubyquiah