grandpatato

[grandpatato]

now what?

what am i supposed to do now. feeling really alone. scared.

[grandpatato]

“Everybody has a price” I often wonder what mine is. There was a time when I could be bought with a promise. “Love.” Sold with a little attention, kindness or even acknowledgment. I often felt I, myself, was a product only useful when there was no one else around. Quickly traded up for someone more art or “normal.” But, I was taught that I can’t be bought, sold or traded. I learned early that I can thrive a do without. I don’t need much and I want for nothing. Everybody has a price but if I am in a position to be bought, I will remove myself. I don’t want to know you and I don’t want to be your friend. Today I believe I can’t be bought, sold or traded. I choose love everyday and no one can take it from me, only contribute to it. If you leave, my cup still runners over. I can no longer be bought with a promise because I know I am capable on my own and the people who are for me along the way, won’t promise, they DO. If you trade your attention I now have the knowledge that it is not rejection but redirection and I have my own attention is on bigger things anyway and if you aren’t on board then our visions don’t match.

[grandpatato]

8/21/23

I had a tumble before that I used just for writing… then an ex asked to see it and then it became more commercial. It was part of the mask and less of my depth. I did, occasionally, vent. anyway, I made a new account and I like how private this is again. The past few years… maybe the past 5 years have been too much for me. I want to write letters to those who o have lost and allow myself to feel the part that feels like a victim… I know I’m not one but I’m no less a victim than they claim to be… and that makes me mad. I want to be the bigger person. Take accountability and put my feelings on the back burner… but I was blamed and abandoned in both situations without the respect of even a conversation. I justify (gaslight myself) with people outgrow each other… but there is hate here and I don’t feel I did anything to deserve hatred.

Murphy,

honestly, fuck you. You act like a victim. Granted, you were one. Izzy’s victim. Not mine. I was there for you through all that. Defended you through all of it. Heard you talking shit about me and still had your back. We cut ties once before and when I took accountability and apologized (even though you were the reason we stopped talking) you had the nerve to say, “you’re lucky you reached out when I needed someone.” Funny, I should have known you’d drop me the moment you had other support. Still, your reasons are bullshit and you can shove them up your ass. No actually communication just high emotion reactions. Really? You’re going to block me for hanging out with your husband… who had been my best friends (at the times) friend for years… who was also hanging out with us… and you literally begged me to hangout with him so he wouldn’t commit suicide?! I couldn’t fucking stand izzy and all I ever did was defend you and attempt to hold him accountable. Then you accused me of fucking him!? Did you never fucking know me?! You hurt me, too, man. I knew you were going through something but I was barely functioning. Diagnosed with a skin disease that is inevitable I’ll get skin cancer so I was a little fucked up on my own… but you weren’t there for me either. Instead you made it like I’m some fucking villain for doing exactly what you asked… telling me when we did actually talk that I was never there done you… kind you I gave you rides everywhere that I could… oh, but that only applies when you need something from someone else and to look pathetic in order to get people to do shit for you… right. Cause that’s not abusive, right? I’m still hurt. I’m still angry. And I still love you for some reason. I wish you well and I’m happy that you are. I ask the universe allow you the opportunity to live a life out of the survival mode that causes you to feel so miserable and like a victim in order to manipulate those around you. I ask that you be granted enough self love to stop blaming everyone outside of you. You deserve happiness and love. Act like it.

Armon,

all I have to say is I guess I saw it coming. I know you cared for me but I definitely started to feel like you were moving on. Even before we lived together. You were coming more into yourself and I didn’t fit there. Who knows why. I do see my mistakes and wish I wasn’t in survival and had the courage to do what I needed to do or to communicate more respectfully everything I was going through. I was losing my shit and you were my only person and I lost respect for you and I watched you lose respect for me. I wish you were able to see ME through it cause i was doing everything I could to stay afloat and losing everyone and everything. I resented you, but I know a lot of it is my fault. I wish you’d just talk to me… you lack the same courage I did and it sucks so much because I will always love you. My heart is broken and I know most of that was me, but you failed me, too.