grapeflavoredhippo

[grapeflavoredhippo]

It's hard to let go

Do people still use Tumblr anymore. To the three people that still stuck around, thanks. I figured I'd just use this time to vent. To write down my feelings. To write down how I'm feeling because maybe writing it out will help me heal. Or, it just might embarrass myself putting everything out there to a bunch of strangers. Either way, here we go.

I want to start off my saying I am not, by any means, the prettiest person in the world. I was consistently bullied for the way I looked. It made my self confidence and self esteem so low that I hated myself and it still carried over to my adult life. I was always convinced that no one would love me and I would die alone. I see my friends around me enter relationships. Get married. Have kids. They always preceived to be happy and I wanted that. I wanted that so badly.

So, I bit the bullet and finally put myself out there. I signed up for every dating site you could think of. Tinder. OkCupid. Hinge. Her. Whatever one I could find and try to find love. It all started when I matched with someone on Tinder. I know that site is notorious for hook ups but to me, it was just another site. To actually meet someone who wanted me. Who showed me any sort of attention was something new. Something exciting and I liked how it made me feel. So, we ended up hooking up. We did things I never saw myself doing, not in a million years, and I had finally lost my virginity. Come to find out that the only reason they swiped on me was because I was fuckable. Nothing more. Nothing less. I took that comment and ran with it. I ended up in a fwb situation with someone else and I reflected on that and came to realize, that wasn't what I wanted. I hated how he would never talk to me. How he only reached out when it was convenient for him. So, I ended that. It hurt. Silly to say because I actually did kinda like him. But then, I met him.

I met someone I actually thought I can see myself in a relationship with. He was sweet. He was kind. We shared the same interests. He was so easy to talk to. We would text everyday and the conversations were never stale. He would leave me cute voice memos. Pictures. Anything. I always looked forward to his texts and it always made my day better.

We finally went on our first date. It felt like I was reconnecting with an old friend. It was like we would pick our conversations right back up where we left them through text. Then we went on another date. Then another and another. I never felt like I was being pressured to do something I wasn't comfortable with. Before I could even leave the parking lot on our first date, he texted me how sweet I was and how he couldn't wait to see me again.

So when it came to having sex, it only felt natural when it happened. It felt right. We waited until the third date which I appreciated. I truly felt like this was going to go in the right direction. Like something good was actually happening for once in my life. I waited. I waited to ask him for the right time to be my boyfriend. He felt the same way and said yes. But that-that's when he started to get weird and things went downhill from there.

Everytime I tried to make plans for a date night, he never answered my texts. I wouldn't hear from him for days. And everytime we would hang out, it would be the same. I would go to his house, watch anime, cuddle and fuck. Don't get me wrong, I like a nice night in but that's not what I wanted to do all the time.

This was the moment I should have known something was off. He invited me over after work to his house. I drove down to his house and knocked on the door. No answer. I called. I texted. I messaged him on discord and still no answer. I even checked to see if the door was unlocked so I could just walk in, cause he was expecting me, but it was locked. I waited and waited and then, I gave up and went home. Something in my gut told me I should have stayed. I should have waited. I had a feeling, something bad. What if I waited and someone else walked out that door and that was the reason he ignored my messages. We were still "offical" at that point and I didn't want to think something like that would happen.

The next day, he texted me apologizing for leaving me outside. That he fell asleep and felt shitty for what he did. I forgave him. He started ghosting me more after that. Flaking on every plan that we made. I would text him to confirm our plans the night before. The day of and still never heard from him. And eventually, he told me what was going on in his life. He lost his job. His dad almost died in an accident. He was depressed. He kicked himself for not communicating this, that it was out of character for him. I understand you're going through all this but I was left in the dark. I thought I did something wrong. And i was feeling guilty and hurt.

Eventually, we talked things over and he said he wasn't sure he was ready to be in a relationship and should just be friends if I wanted that. I didn't listen to anyone. They all told me you don't need someone like that in your life, let alone, as a friend. But i didn't listen. I'm someone who will give people second chances. And always hung up on the what-ifs. So, I wanted to make this work out.

All of a sudden, we started talking daily again now that I said we should just be friends. We got together one day and I asked him if even wanted to be in a relationship with me. He said yes but with everything that went on, he didn't want me around for that. This is where his real intentions were clear at that point. He asked if I wanted to be "just friends." And I knew what he meant by that but I needed to hear it from him directly. I said yes, just friends. Why? Did you mean like friends with benefits and he said what else would that mean? My heart was crushed. That was not what I wanted. That was something I couldn't do, especially with him since I truly did have feelings for him. If that's what he wanted all along, he should have been upfront about it and I wouldn't have felt like I wasted my time with this whole thing.

Well, we hung out more afterwards. Things happened and he said he wanted to start over. I said if you are being serious about that, then I would be more than happy to work it out. He said yes but I'm realizing, he was just saying things I wanted to hear. I had some car problems and was out of a car. We made plans to hang out and he said he's be willing to come by me since I always go to him. I had it all planed out. It would have been cute if he picked me up from work, got something to eat and then head back to my place. But, yet again, he ghosted me day of. And I gave up.

A month went by and it was dead air. Not a single text from him. Never did he reach out even to say hi. At that point, I should have gotten the hint. I should have moved on. But he was always on my mind. So, drunk me reached out to him. Saying how I hope he was well, that I still think about him and that I miss him. I thought he blocked my number at that point but I was wrong. He answered my text. It would have been easier if he said nothing at all. He mentioned that he missed me too and that he couldn't be platonic friends because he was still attracted to me. Then what went wrong? He thought I didn't want a romantic relationship but he was dead wrong. That was my intent this entire time. He then dropped the bomb and mentioned he was involved with someone and that's when my heart shattered. It made me think did he have a girlfriend this entire time and I was just the chick he came to when he wanted a quick fuck. Was he talking to this person while he was seeing me and that's why he kept on ghosting me?

Apparently, I have a thing for torturing myself because after that, we hung out again. We talked. We watched anime. We got lunch and we hit up the local smoke shop. The thing is, I enjoy hanging out with him. I enjoy his time. His company. And that is why I can't stay away. I was holding onto something that wasn't there anymore. He ghosted again and now, I'm done.

It sucks. It hurts. I'm still not over it and I cry all the time. Even though we talked so many times, it still feels like there is no closure. But when I think about it, he wasn't good to me. I'm trying to move on, to talk to other people, but I'm just not feeling it. I think my problem is that I'm trying to replace this person. I need to take a step back and reflect. And if there someone out there for me, they will appear when I least expect it. I'll take this experience as a life lesson and grow from it.

[grapeflavoredhippo]

being higuruma‘s pet

@satoruwiki

[grapeflavoredhippo]

[grapeflavoredhippo]

Return of the king

[grapeflavoredhippo]

I'll never let you move on from this Geto Suguru panels from Kura no Ryuukeichi

[grapeflavoredhippo]

The return of the high waist pants

[grapeflavoredhippo]

Suguru’s jawline, neck, gauges, ear, hair tendrils, bangs…. Need I say more?

[grapeflavoredhippo]

GOJO SATORU ✰ jjk ep 23.

[grapeflavoredhippo]

RIKA KAWAI for @liluziversity

[grapeflavoredhippo]

★ RIKA KAWAI ★

▷ Wonder Egg Priority ◦ Episode 7

↳ I’m weak, but that’s the real me. Even if it means hurting myself, I’m going to live!

[grapeflavoredhippo]

So I binged Wonder Egg Priority. 

Honestly, I really liked it. As I get older, I find myself liking and searching for anime with a darker, more serious tone to it. Not going to lie, episode 7 was really tough for me to watch. Not because there was anything wrong with the episode necessarily. It was just the subject matter that was depicted and just overall how the character the episode is centered around feels; especially when she comes close to despairing and giving up. I just was a little triggered by that and it hit a little too close to home. haha. 

Otherwise, yo if  you are sleeping on this anime, please go watch it! 

[grapeflavoredhippo]

You know what? Fuck you.

*unshrinkies your dinks*

[grapeflavoredhippo]

[grapeflavoredhippo]