graspingatstars - Tumblr blog

[graspingatstars]

3/10/22 - hello

3/10/23 - u remember. I knew there was no way you’d remember something so trivial. And yet you surprise me.

3/24/23 - oh no

I had to dogsit at someone else’s house for a whole week. Two little daschunds and a black kitten. In the back of my mind I was hoping he’d check my locations and text me. We hadn’t texted consistently in over a month. Not that I was keeping track.

Ok my very first night I lose the cat. She slips out and hides under the backyard patio. I am freaking out. It’s been about an hour and I text him in desperation thinking he had any knowledge of how to lure a cat out. In the end the cat required no luring as she slipped back into the house as easy as she came.

He hints that he is willing to lend a hand to dog and cat sit with me. I accept, I really didn’t want to be alone while the house made noises. And it would be the perfect time to hang out and catch up.

I am in the backyard letting the two puppies chase each other around. Phone had music playing. I am trying to act casual and as if I didn’t know he had arrived. He slips in behind me aloofly with wet curl hair. Beige shirt on and light wash jeans. I am awkward as hell and hyper. We walk back inside and he fills me in on life: 2 new classes, unemployed, signed up for radiology school which would start next January. Teasingly mentioning that I disappeared for a month after he had to give up his dog. I did disappear. It was pretty busy the months prior. We grab Wendy’s and tequila and he shows me songs I would like.

We watch In the Tall Grass and take two shots of tequila each. My body was not prepared.

We retire to the bedroom and he complains about his jeans. I can hear him slide out of them. We make it to bed and lay in silence for a while. On opposite sides.

I scoot in closer so that our bodies touch lightly. He closes in on the tiny distance between us so that I’m fully wrapped by him, in him. It’s warm and safe. We always fit together perfectly. His rough hands glide up my legs, up my back, and down again, and up again. I nuzzle my face into his chest and let him feel roughly all over. I make zero moves and just enjoy it all. I move around in my sleep, uncomfortable at the situation. I wanted to touch him. I wanted to hold him closer. I moved away instead. Hours could have passed. He finally cradles me. His fingers find their way to my thighs again. He slowly inches towards my clit. So lightly, and so painfully slow. I’m throbbing at the idea. He glides over me so softly, I’m begging internally that he be more rough. This was the reaction he wanted. He tries to go deeper into me with his rough fingers, I stop him. “Why do you have to make things so complicated?” My voice cracks. I hear him breathe deeply and he just holds me. We fall asleep this way.

3/25/23 - a first kiss

He texts me late into the night. I almost don’t want to answer. I fall asleep waiting for him. He calls me and I give in. I answer the door and let him in. We watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre. It was awesome. I didn’t tell him I’ve already watched it before. His hands glide over my skin. We took two shots of tequila to kill the nerves.

By the end of it all he played me his music on my guitar. I felt it deeply. It was time for bed. We knockout for a couple hours because of the alcohol. I woke up to his hands steady on me. I wanted them closer. He felt around as he did the night before. He found his way into me and I couldn’t resist any longer. I was dripping. And right when he inches inside with his warm fingers, our mouths clashed and his lips were so soft like warm marshmallows. I couldn’t allow it to go past that. I stopped him. And we fell asleep this way.

[graspingatstars]

12/09/22

I texted Ashton to make sure he could still come to the concert with me. A part of me was hoping he’d say no so that I could ask Miguel to go with me instead. My wish came true. Ashton was stuck in work for longer than he expected, so I had to shoot my shot. I felt a bit awkward because he thought I had tickets to give away, not that I was asking him to come with me. To my surprise he wanted to go.

Fast forward to the day of, I was extremely nervous. I had to shower and get ready and I had so much tension balled up in my stomach. Don’t Call them butterflies.

I had music blasting, and I was watching Piccolo. Piccolo is very sweet but just a bit yappy. And he was doing just that when Miguel walked in. I came out and he still had work clothes on. His hair a bit frizzy. He had on the red flannel I threw up in a couple nights back. He also had a modern baseball tee underneath. He was very tall in my living room.

We take a couple shots and I’m nervously walking in circles. Trying to avoid eye contact. He would smile at me now and again. His smile was nice. It was soft and his eyes were kind. We split a gummy. I’m sweating bullets we were in such close proximity to each other.

We drive to the show and the car drive was electric. So much fun talking to him. How he hated feeling the pressure of someone else’s fun. Or being responsible for someone’s night of fun. I definitely agree. I would rather not have that person around than drag them out to something they may not enjoy.

The show was pretty lame. It was more pop than anything. Not what I expected. I caught him a couple times trying to hold my hand when I was weaving through the crowd. A couple times I let him. A couple times I acted like I didn’t see it.

We went to see the lights at st Augustine. And walked around the fort. It was sweet. The stars looked pretty above the water.

We hit up Jon to see if he’d come out to riverside. And he agrees. We go to hoptinger roof top and see Jon’s friends. I’m very overly stimulated so I hang in the back ground. They mistake Miguel as my boyfriend. I correct them. I’m pretty drunk but not as social as I’d like to be. They end up going to root down and I follow. They eventually want to go and eat so we go to a waffle house. We have really nice conversation and I’m happy to spend time with the two of them.

Miguel drives me home and we are having a lot of fun listening to music. I don’t want the car ride to end. But then it does and I drag myself to the house. I watch his location to make sure he gets home safe.

[graspingatstars]

It was a long day. Social battery was drained. We had taken shrooms earlier and showed up to a very vanilla pool party.

Got back and all I wanted to do was nap then take a shower.

I wondered where he was in the other room, was he just as exhausted? Or was he extroverted and fine with all the noise. I don’t know. I shouldn’t care where he was.

I fell asleep and woke up feeling tired still. If I had a choice, I would stay home the remainder of the night. Social responsibility weighed in on me since two of the party were already staying back.

I took a hot shower and got ready, came out to a party watching basketball. Laaaaame. I spotted him across the room, wet hair and clean clothes. Hands shoved in his pockets and looking low.

I walked over as Celine and Maria were heading out to grab some food. He asked them where they were going, they gave off the vibe they wanted to be alone. So he said, “alright I guess I’ll go grab tacos” I wanted to say “I’ll go with you!” But nothing came out. How desperate would it have looked for me to say that?

I watched him pacing back and forth. He lingered by the front door, I wonder if he could see me biting my lip in hesitation, in restraint.

“Natasha, do you want to come with me?” He asked softly. All too eager I said “yes!”. Jamie chimed in and said she wanted to come too and his face fell ever so slightly, that made the butterflies in my stomach go crazy. She retracted her statement when she realized she was expecting more friends to come. I offered to get her food instead.

I waited awkwardly as he prepared his car. I waited too long apparently since he went the other way and I didn’t realize.

We went and got tacos, he had a misunderstanding with a 7/11 cashier and we laughed nervously back to the car. I admitted something weird to him, why I was so fixated on being independent. And we also listened to his music. It was really good but I think he thinks I’m too white for that lmfao. So he only shared like a couple. Laaaame. We got back and room was kinda dead. My social battery was drained too so I feel that. We meet up with everyone and head to the bars. I hear him talk about other girls and it makes me jealous. Such a guy.

When we get back At 3 AM, I’m truly a zombie. I shower and head off to bed.

I can hear telling the other guys he didn’t want to go out to the strip club. He just wanted sleep. I could hear him getting ready for bed as well. He gently climbs into bed, he felt so far away.

“Natasha?” He says loud enough to know I can hear him. I don’t say a word and squeeze my eyes tight. If we talk, then I may admit something I would regret. He says it again, gentler but still clear. I omit a response.

I hear him settle into his pillow with a sigh. A few moments pass and I feel him turn towards me. I’m turned away so he won’t see me squeeze my eyelids shut tighter. I feel him breathing quick and shallow. His hand finds my thigh over the cover, it was a test, I didn’t flinch and he tried again. This time he slid under the sheet and laid lightly on top of my right thigh that I had hiked up. My heart fluttered. Could he hear that? He stroked my skin so gently, like I were made of paper. His hands read my back, my side, and caressed my thighs. He moved closer, his body almost touching me. His body heat was addicting, I turned into him concealed in a sleepy act. I nuzzled into his chest, he would think I were still asleep. And he believed this, I caught him off guard and he froze. His heart beating furiously, I was enveloped in his arms and held tighter. I wonder if he though I were awake by now? I slightly raised my chin to where my nose almost touched his neck. He shivered. He continued to caress my arm, my back, my thighs, and my chest. Tracing a million maps across my skin. This went on for hours, sleep felt so far away.

[graspingatstars]

He stood up from his bar stool, I didn’t want to make eye contact. rule number one of being a girl who likes to be chased, don’t acknowledge his existence til very very necessary. He was tall, broad shoulders, he had skin as smooth as me.

I saw Monica’s date, and smiled at him. Big dark chocolate teddy bear of a guy. I knew his friend was next to him but I didn’t look over until we were officially introducing ourselves.

I allowed myself to look at him, he had big dark eyes nestled against subtle signs of bad sleeping habits. He had a big smile, full lips, I couldn’t stop staring at them. He was loud, his voice confident. I appreciated that. He had a thick Queens accent, not a single “r” existed.

We were standing around awkwardly for a minute around the bar. It was dimly lit, a young casual sports bar.

Monica’s date had bought us drinks, I asked for a whiskey sour. He was drinking beer. He moved us over to a high table. he had such a good energy. we were bantering back and forth. I challenged every claim he would make, and he smiled sweetly and told me I was really stubborn. he was incredibly opinionated. he said he was in real estate. I tried incredibly hard not to focus on him. I tried to get Monica’s date involved in chatting. I just didn’t want him to know I was interested. Because I wasn’t. Or I didn’t want to be.

He had something sincere and genuine about the way he held himself. Something soft and broken. I wanted to hold him but I couldn’t. I walked away to seem uninterested. I found myself in the bathroom and when I came outside he was sitting right outside. He got up at the sight of me and held his elbow out. He wanted me to hold his arm? I reluctantly slipped my fingers through. When we got near to our table I let go because I didn’t want to seem clingy.

He was so tall and sturdy. And at the same time unsure and gentle. I sat down with another group of girls while he went and got us drinks.

When he came back I returned to his side. I caressed his legs with mine, subtle touches here and there. And we talked a little. Incredibly calming to be just be around him. At one moment I hadn’t spoken in a while, he lifted my face with his finger “are you good?” He asked softly. I smiled yes and rested my head into his shoulder.

[graspingatstars]

fleeting

maybe I enjoy the attention?

though superficial, adequately satisfying.

am I satisfied?

clearly not, would I even know where to start.

frustrating, no, infuriating!

to be obsessed with control, yet exhilarated at its release.