grau-fucks

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jokes to make after failure that aren’t self-deprecating:

I’m the best to ever do it

Nobody saw that (best if said loudly)

No one’s ever done it like me

I could be President/they should make me President

Behold, a mere fraction of my power!

The public wants to be me soooooo bad

I’m an expert in (thing you just failed at)

How could this have happened to god’s favorite princess?

Nothing ibuprofen and a glass of water cant fix

I’m being sabotaged

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OP: My dad insisted on betting me 20 yuan he could do a handstand... with both hands.

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malevolent is a very fun flavor of unreliable narrator. narrator who you're in a situationship with. narrator who doesn't know what owls are and gets scared of your reflection. narrator who refuses to narrate when he doesn't want you to find your keys

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I CANNOT GET THIS VIDEO OUT OF MY FUCKING HEAD. HUNGRY HUNGRY PIZZA FOR ME. MY HUNGRY ASS WILL EAT JUST ABOUT ANYTHING!

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County roads

Full of holes

On the route

I need to go

Road construction

Lane obstruction

Let me go

County roads

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oh mine god, i accidentally hath sent thou a picture of mine cock and balls...prithee delete it!! 'Lest...thou desire to look? haha I jest, delete it...should thee crave... haha nay, banish it...'lest?

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‘If you see this video, we are being intercepted and kidnapped’

Greta Thunberg has shared a pre-recorded video appealing for international help.

“My name is Greta Thunberg, and I am from Sweden,” Thunberg said in the video recorded on board the Madleen, before tonight’s events.

“If you see this video, we are being intercepted and kidnapped in international waters by the Israeli occupational forces, or forces that support Israel,” she said.

“I urge all my friends, family and comrades to put pressure on the Swedish government to release me and the others as soon as possible.”

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oh. it's green? 😐

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sometimes you'll see a bird for the first time and when you look it up you learn that its name is the Common Dirt Bitch and its range is Everywhere and there are 400 million of them in your state alone

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i have seen screenshots but i have not seen anyone actually post the entirety of lisa's sam diss track and its so fucking funny

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the spirit is unwilling and the flesh it feels not so good also

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during the smoke sesh our brooding silent friend said "forgive me master" before reducing the entire bowl to ashes in one hit and he didnt even cough

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yes, we're in community, but are we in cahoots???!

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(via mrbrianfirenzi)