gray-eyed-gypse-blog

[gray-eyed-gypse-blog]

A fal memory, I remember riding the bus in 4th grade to 6th and if get off the bus and walk home through the woods where there was a trail that lead to our trailer park I spent alot of time there and during fall I loved the walk home I felt so much peace there its one of my best memories i was a small child so everything felt so big since I've been an adult I've tried to go back but now its homes and back yards no longer my safe place but hopefully someone else's

[gray-eyed-gypse-blog]

The fall season 1999 my mother took me to a trailer park at first I liked it I have always loved fall halloween and anything spooky and this trailer park was definitely spooky it even had a very very old over grown cenetary i played for hours all day I didn't eat or drink anything finally when I could tell it was about to be dark I went to look for my mother who I hadn't seen since we got there the trailer on the outside it was white and brown with a large porch it was probably make in the 70s maybe 80s it smelled but it was clean the 3 men sitting on the couch id never seen before my mother was in the back bed room with chelle and Billy smoking crack I was sent to a room with the other kids for hours with still no food but what I remember the most is my mother going out side in the dark and she dug a hole and put something inside it I didn't know until I was 18 that she had been pregnant with twins and either miscarried or lost them on purpose im not sure

[gray-eyed-gypse-blog]

The pain i feel trying to put into words to him how neglected I feel I don't come right out and say it,it comes out as do you want to spend the rest of your life with me or do you like my body are you bored with me being with someone who doesn't show emotion and doesn't feel emotion like most people is hard i love him he is the one but sometimes I feel like im going to shatter I want those gestures of love the hand holding the random hugs the effort but it doesn't happen often so I wait until he goes to work or falls asleep and I cry but I have to remember he loves me he's just different he financially takes care of us he makes sure that we have what we want and need he does his best to make vacation and holidays special but im selfish and stupid and I still feel neglected because I don't get random hugs or kisses he doesn't hold my hand or take me on dates I suppose its my fault in the beginning of our relationship I was so broken I started horrible fights and put him through hell

[gray-eyed-gypse-blog]

Sometimes I just want to be held or kissed or loved on it literally makes my heart feel like it's going to break into a million pieces my partner doesn't show emotion or love like most people he's a very cold person he loves me I know that for sure but he isn't physical doesn't just hug or kiss me I have to ask and it's ok most of the time honestly his emotion is close to that of a sociopath I think it has to do with his tbi or prison maybe I do know that I love him and he's absolutely amazing and that I want to spend my life with him but sometimes I just want him to hold me and tell me I'm the one he wants amd he wants to spend his life with me without me asking

[gray-eyed-gypse-blog]

I accused him of cheating on me constantly I started awful horrible fights I guess subconsciously I was testing him but he stayed he started his own company and encouraged me to get a job we moved alot it was hard for me to keep a job we started off with nothing I had no babysitter and when my mother agreed it eneded up in her verbally abusing me but he stayed strong and stood by me from the very first Christmas in 2013 he made holidays special for me and the boys hes been my rock I haven't always been the best girl friend but I do love him and work everyday to make myself better for him for the first few years we moved alot we finally settled when someone gave us a trailer in 2016? Maybe it was the beginning of me doing better financially I got a job at a gos station got a car things were getting really good for me and Blake but my head kept telling me he's going to leave uou,your not good enough your ugly and fat he Pittys you but it wasn't true I was sick my feelings and head were lying to me but hr stayed and loved me through it eventually we moved again to buy a bigger trailer I bought my first nice vehicle and we've been here since its 2021 now and im still in love with him though at this point in time he feels I shouldn't still be so insecure I don't think he's going to cheat on me anymore but my insecurities and mental illness still have a big affect on me and cause me to start fights over nothing its sad that my brain is this messed up it hurts my heart knowing I stress him out and cause him to be miserable when all I want is to marry him and be with him for the rest of my life alot has changed in our relationship since the beginning because of me being horrible he's not as affectionate and has a short fuse with me but he loves me and supports me and loves the boys he's an amazing man and the rest of this will be about me changing to become the wife he wants and deserves and the mother my kids deserve they are my life and he's the one I want forever i never thought I could love someone more and more everyday I never thought is have someone love me or be loyal to me I'm still getting used to it and my brain still likes to lie to me tomorrow will be a new day and the beginning of my journey to become who my family deserves ill record my feelings dreams my good and bad days everything

[gray-eyed-gypse-blog]

So I went back to chris this time I was abused from the start locked in closets he kept me from eating he would yell and scream at me he made me have sex with him until I was 6months pregnant I ran away to live with my mother and I lived there until my youngest Preston was 3 months old at 3 months my grandmother found me a place living in her friend's basement him and his brother lived in the upper part of the house the basement was nice it had everything except a bathroom and kitchen I was doing the best I could to be a good mother to my sons but I was so depressed id never felt like this id been put down and abused so much it felt like no one would ever love me I wanted to die I cried all day everyday my youngest was born in May 2013 and by Dec 7 2013 I met blake he.hax just gotten out of prison for robbery we had gone to school together and he hit me up on the 7th I got back to him on the 9th my birthday and my life changed I was with him every day from then on out he moved in about a month later and from there we moved to a small trailer park he was working construction and doing his best to be there for me and the boys of course there was alot of trauma and abuse I needed to work through

[gray-eyed-gypse-blog]

Between living with Chris and his family my grandmother sold her place and moved in with her son and I lived in low income housing for less than a year from there i moved to a small n trailer park where I dated tanner who cheated.on me and I met Jason a photographer I was about to lose the trailer and so Jason and my grandma helped me get another trailer Jason lived there with me in that small.two bedroom me and my son shared a room and he had the second I honestly loved living with him i knew I was safe and no one was beating me eventually my grandmother mad him move out hes never really forgiven me my mother moved in after that and we lived there about a year I met a guy named Adam and was drinking all day and night i got pregnant 4months into the relationship before I found out me and my mother moved to a 3 bedroom trailer me and my.mother fought all the time she put me down spread lies about me and to make it worse when I told Adam I was pregnant he freaked out and told me to kill it so I broke up with him and started dating my exs friend Paul who played with my feelings lied to me cheated on me and left me for someone 15yrs older than me at this point I had been abused my whole life almost every guy id been with had beaten me and/or cheated on me so I felt ugly and fat like I'd never be good enough for any one I was alone and pregnant again

[gray-eyed-gypse-blog]

My mom and grandmother came to the hospital they flew me to an hour away and chris never showed up until the day I was being released to say the twins are his and i gave.in so we both went to the Ronald Mcdonald house where I basically lived for 1month waiting on my twins to.get.out of the nicu my grandmother kept my oldest at this time once they were able.to come home we went to my grandmother's things got a little better with chris he was still cheating on me and hitting me but I was convinced by this point no one would ever love me but he didn't help with the twins and I was 18 with no job and no home my aunt had always wanted kids amd so we started an adoption process when the twins were 4months after that I was filled with guilt their bio dad was dead chris hated me and I hated myself for it I moved back.in with chris and my grandma sold her home and moved in with her son chris would kick me out and have me come back hundreds of times over the next few years until n 2013 when inwas finally free but in between moving in and out he tortured me even took.me to court and took custody of my son damian and a week later gave him back his parents and brothers knew he was beating me and knew how strung out he was but no one would help me finally in 2012 my grandmother helped me get a trailer and I stared dating a man named Derek who was also extremely abusive but I didn't want to be alone

[gray-eyed-gypse-blog]

My best friend damian had just died and I was lonely and pregnant and I met a 23yr old named Chris at first he was absolutely perfect his mom was amazing she took me shopping for my baby and he cared for me and helped me I went into labor September 19 2008 I had my son sept 20th through emergency c-section chris was there supporting me the whole time but while I was asleep from surgery he signed my sons birth certificate at first I was happy the first month of little damians life was great and I woke up one day and he was a different person he started cheating on me and his mom was giving him pain pills i found out within a week about the cheating and totally flipped and went to my grandmother's we fought and argued he finally put his hands on me when I moved back in when my son was 4 months old he beat the shit out of me ill.never forget it he apologized took me back to my grandmother and left to cheat on me again I remember feeling so worthless and ugly and unloved inbetween our break ups and getting back together that first year I got with my friend Brandon for.a.week or so and ended up pregnant I was 5months pregnant before my son turned a year old I was pregnant with twins I was so upset i hadn't told Brandon I just went back to chris so he never knew a few days before my oldest first birthday I found out Brandon hung himself I was at Chris's house when I found out I was so shocked and hurt I fell to the ground and cried and cried and chris made.fun of me and locked me out he wouldn't even give me my son in January of that yea I went into labor had another emergency c-section because I started bleeding out in the middle of the night while I was at my grandmas home

[gray-eyed-gypse-blog]

So im 15 my mom gets pregnant and I move back in with my grandmother things went ok for about a year I was dating older guys getting high and my mother was pregnant living with Joe my sister was finally born and my mother was happy and I just loved her our first Christmas all 4 of us went to Joe's mother's house where his brother and sister inlaw and their kids where all spending Christmas together and they were all disappointed I was there I know because they talked shit about me the whole time I was there his mother said don't expect any presents we only stopped for family at this point I hadn't gotten anything for Christmas or a birthday since I was maybe 10?? And even then it was used stuff or shit from dollar tree while my sister got anything she asked for but I sat there and watched them shower my new baby sister in gifts and they gave my mom and Joe gifts and gave my mom a.gift for my other sister who lived with my step dad James and what did I get?? Joe's mother told me I should go to the basement cause I shouldn't be there and she didn't want me to come to anymore family events so I spent the rest of Christmas in her basement and listened to Joe's brother and his wife talk shit and my mother never stood up to any of them I tried to spend the Christmas before that with James and my middle sister but while his mother was kind and loving he was mean and degraded me so after the Christmas when I was 15 I didn't celebrate again I went on spending time with my mom and Joe and living between their house and my grandmas right before I turned 16 the next December my mom and Joe decided to have me put into a mental hospital for.cutting myself he also used this to say I couldn't be around my youngest sister anymore because I was dangerous even though I was only hurting myself this is the first time of 5 that my mother has me locked up to cause when I turned 17 I got pregnant with my oldest my boyfriend at the time left me got my friend pregnant I still to this day do not know if he cheated on me or not cause my son and their daughter are 2months apart and we were together until I was 3.5 months pregnant but they got married and he.never once asked about our son my friend damian from na helped me and cared for.me tho and my grandma let me live with her I dropped out of school because my sons new girlfriend was telling people horrible things about me and the first 6mo of my pregnancy I lived with my grandma and became closer with damiam from na he had taught me how to.write poetry and in general made me feel better we spent alot of time together he wasn't like the other grown men trying to take advantage of me he was actually my.friend sadly when I was 6months pregnant damian died I still to.this day haven't felt that kind of pain again it was like a part of me died after that my life goes downhill further than I ever thought it could

[gray-eyed-gypse-blog]

I lived with my mom and Joe until she got pregnant I was still going to na meetings and I was in 9th grade I made a few friends at school that I'll never forget one was Brandon I have twins by him now but he's one of the only people I know that was as hurt on the inside as I was and another was my oldest sons dad he's a.wreck to I guess when your ad damaged as I am thats what you attract the years of 14 to 16 is really a blur I started doing pills dating alot of older guys and going to na meetings,and camp outs for na I don't understand how that program helps anyone they are all sick and act like teenagers its all gossip and backstabbing and grown men hitting on 15yr old girls I didn't understand how much dating older guys especially older guys that are recovering drug addicts messed me up until I was in my 20s I was always mentally older or thats what I thought I don't think I've always had depression I think it came from being abused and hurt by the people that where supposed to protect me I've never felt safe or loved or wanted I've always had this hole inside of me from growing up being told.i wasn't good enough or wanted I have someone now who does love me and doesn't cheat or abuse me but over 8 years of being together I've pushed him away from the start with my anxiety and thinking he's cheating or going to leave me I push it so far for days and days at a time until he's so angry and I hate myself for it sometimes.i feel like if I just went away he could be happy and that's a.fucked up feeling its not fun to be 30 and feel like that im going to start seeing a councilor soon and get on some meds this whole thing is about me trying to heal myself so I can be better for him and my kids I think once I found a person that did love me I finally just broke like all the abuse and awful things just broke me finally

[gray-eyed-gypse-blog]

Alotnof horrible shit happened to me because of NA but I did meet an amazing person his name was damian he died right before my son was born but id of never survived if it hadn't been for him being there to listen and help me i was also 14 when I started dating a 22yr old named Zack who I met while I was skipping school and I lied to about my age being with him was an escape he had two male friends Samson and Josh im still to this day still in contact with them they became like my family they took care of me and I had so much fun with them Zack was good to me I believe he actually loved me after a year he proposed to me but during the year of us being together my mother started seeing someone and got a im better than you complex so my mother and her boyfriend hated Zack I was honestly probably better off with him atleast he worked and didn't hit me her boyfriend threatened to have him arrested and so we broke up I was 15 that summer and living with her and Joe and I guess he found out I was cutting myself again because one night after my breakup he took me to the bathroom and scrubbed my arm with lemon juice and a rag until I was bleeding again and then they both made fun of me I think that's the first time I ever wanted to kill myself

[gray-eyed-gypse-blog]

I was so hurt at the fact shed abandoned me it was hard to understand what my mother had been through the next day we sent her to rehab where she stayed for about a month over the time she stayed there I hadn't forgiven her but u wanted to spend time with her she got out after Christmas I believe and she tried to apologize and make things right for about 2months she was going to NA meetings and got a sponsor and took me at 13 years old made me tell everyone I was an addict and after she got two months clean her sponsor told her I didn't deserve an apology or for her to try and make things right because she was human ans I needed to understand and accept it even though she'd let me be abused my whole life and had abandoned me so she listened and emotionally abandoned me id get upset with her and try to tell her she was hurting me and she would tell me I was manipulating her and that I shouldn't be hurt or upset after her first year clean I was.going to meetings with her as she let grown men hit on me she would hang out with a bunch of other new comers to the program and they all treated me like an adult she even picked up people from the mission a homeless shelter and let those men hit on me I was 14 and because of how I was always treated I thought it was ok I ended up dating men in their 20s and my mother and everyone else in the program acted like it was fine a girl Sara she was maybe 25 taught me how to cut myself and so began my journey of hurting myself to make myself feel better

[gray-eyed-gypse-blog]

Some things I remember from 11 to 13 I remember my mothers friends ans being left is this trailer in a hot room with two other girls while my mom got high i only remember this because I had to use the bathroom so bad and they wouldn't let me out and when she finally came to let me out she tried to take me to a store to go and I wet myself at the door of this dollar gen she yelled at me and I cried the cashier looked horrified but didn't say anything i can also remember not having a birthday or Christmas until i was 24!! My mom would say happy birthday but I never got anything and any birthday or Christmas that came b4 the divorce has been forgotten I don't have one happy memory from before I moved in with my grandma another thing i do remember is my mother stealing money from me and having sex in my bed and laughing about it she never really treated me like a child i was always a burden my grandmother loved me but by the time I went to live with her I was so damaged I ran wild snuck out of her house lied to her I yelled at her but she knew I was hurt so she tried we would sit out in her porch and eat and talk and watch the sky even thinking about it now makes me feel at home she put me in school in the town she lived in and did her best with me she showed me how to be independent and held me up until I could be in 8th grade i made friends in my new school I also became goth I was so depressed and sad I didn't know how else to cope so I began cutting myself and smoking weed eventually I got caught at school with pot and my grandmother called my mom who I hadn't seen in 3months at this time my grandmother didn't know what to do or how to punish me so she didn't things like that kept happening for the next 4months until one day me and my grandma pulled in our driveway at 4pm to see my mom come around the trailer covered in blood head to toe crying apparently her cracked out boyfriend tried to kill her but I was so angry at her abandoning me I wasn't concerned with the fact that he tried to kill her I wanted to kill her

[gray-eyed-gypse-blog]

I'm 30 female two boys but im lonely and im sad I've been abused almost my whole life I've struggled with substance abuse and now I'm struggling with my mental health im going to start from the beginning as much of it as I can remember and hope it helps its my last shot at healing and not pushing away the only person other than my kids thats loved me and who I love

Age 4 i can remember getting a rash and sitting on this old countertop in my grandmother's bathroom calling myself ugly and fat no one told me I wasn't they laughed and let me do it they even encouraged it and thats my very first memory around this same age my mother married my step father we will call him James i can remember alot I remember his mom being kind and loving i remember him taking care of me and eventually he adopted me my mother wasn't much of a person she kept up a charade for around 10 years and Frank had a really good job he had gone to college and made something out of himself they got married not too long after they met he adopted me and they had a baby girl and from then on out I would be abused verbally physically I would be called names forced to eat they made my teachers force me to eat all through Elementary School and then I would be told I was fat they would let me eat and then go run on a treadmill as a loving parent why would you ever condone that why would you tell your child but that is okay Behavior I looked at these two people until I was around 11 years old I can remember being abused by my step father while my sister did no wrong about 2 years before my parents divorced my mother got a job and started using crack and cheating on my stepdad she would take me with her to go see the men she was seeing this opened the doors for 11yr old me to be molested and raped by 2 17yr old boys she left me with one day so she could get high I remember being forced down on that disgusting plaid couch and him putting his shit in my face and forcing me to suck it then his friend took my pants off and I lost what little childhood I had soon after this my mother left my step-dad and sister and took me I can't remember exactly where we lived this part is fuzzy from 12 to 13 I know at 13 a boy my age raped me and at 12 I was left with two grown men that raped me some how through all of that I ended up with my grandmother who did the best she could at this point i was in 8th grade and hadn't seen my mother in 6months