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Amidst the strain of tariffs, Apple CEO Tim Cook announced Thursday the launch of a new 7,083-piece iPhone kit. “Apple customers will have a blast soldering, polishing, and drilling as they build their very own iPhone,” Cook said in a Keynote presentation at Apple headquarters, touting the new product as an innovative, first-of-its-kind achievement and noting that the tech giant’s competitors were already scrambling to offer similar build-your-own products of their own.

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Emphasizing that it’s just words, after all, a team of relationship experts issued a recommendation Thursday that stressed the importance of saying “I love you” even if you don’t mean it. “It can be stressful when a significant other prompts you to verbalize your affection, but if you immediately say ‘I love you,’ you can avoid making things even more stressful,” couples therapist Randall Woodard told reporters, explaining that sometimes you just have to “fake it until you make it,” and that’s even more true when it comes to expressing love for your partner. “We actually recommend saying ‘I love you’ as soon as possible after meeting someone, regardless of your true feelings.

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Calling such behavior a guaranteed indicator of severe underlying derangement, a report published Tuesday by researchers at Tufts University confirmed that any person who really, truly likes a politician is batshit insane. “Our findings established a conclusive link between experiencing genuine fondness for a political figure and being a fucking lunatic,” said the report’s lead author Dr. Rachel Strathmore, who urged anyone who had ever felt inspired by a politician, or worse, owned an article of clothing with a politician’s face on it, to immediately seek professional mental help.

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After reading aloud a picture book about a puppy that works in a coal mine, local first grade teacher Brianna Montgomery asked her students Thursday what they want to be once child labor laws are repealed. “I want everyone to grab some crayons and draw a picture of what you want to be once the governor rolls back all the child labor laws,” Montgomery said as shouts of “fish processor!” and “farm laborer!” filled the classroom.

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Moved by the animal’s unwavering devotion, sources confirmed Wednesday that local 4-year-old cocker spaniel Biscuit refused to move from the spot where he had killed his beloved owner. “What a unique bond they must have had,” said Janice Meyer, a neighbor of the deceased, explaining how the faithful dog had sat attentively on the blood-splattered carpeting ever since ripping out the throat of 32-year-old Edward Shauger. 

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Lauding the man for at last overcoming his inhibitions and opening up, sources confirmed Thursday that 36-year-old Gregory Ross’s psychotic break was really helping the former introvert come out of his shell. “He used to be a quiet guy, pretty much always kept to himself, but ever since he lost his fucking mind, Greg’s social anxiety basically cleared up,” said an anonymous source, who stated that Ross had begun meeting a ton of new people lately simply by screaming at the top of his lungs and sprinting through the street naked.

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My emotional support water bottle is the most stable relationship I’ve ever had.

It never ghosts me, keeps me hydrated, and doesn’t judge when I cry on the bathroom floor.

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Geologists are freaky bc what do u mean ur studying dykes and cleavage.

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James Caan behind the scenes of The Godfather, 1972

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Happy Birthday to Al Pacino!

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Speaking with reporters while opening Ziploc baggies of pretzel twists and baby carrots, local man Stan Keppler said Monday that he has started bringing in lunch from home to cut down on his small joys. “Making your own lunch each day is a great way to reduce your simple pleasures throughout the week—it’s already made a huge difference for me,” the 38-year-old insurance underwriter said as he unwrapped a plain turkey sandwich from aluminum foil that he had woken up 15 minutes early this morning to prepare.

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