gregrolaa

[gregrolaa]

I haven't written in a while. I've had lots thrown at me since last time. She is hurting. She is broken. She is confused. All I want to do is be there for her. I want to be there every step of the way. The times that are really rough, and the times she is happier than ever. I want to be the one who makes her smile like nobody else. I dunno, I just want a chance for me to say to everyone that she is mine and show her off to the world! I want the world to see how happy she makes me. I want to make her feel like the most beautiful girl in the world! I dunno, these games just suck! And I mean I understand she needs time, and I am willing to give that to her, I just want to be there with her! I don't want to rush her or pressure her! I just want her time! That's it! I want her to see that I am not looking to force her into a relationship, that I just want to spend time with her! And maybe as time goes on and we grow closer and closer with each other we start something! I dunno. TBH I just want to make this work :(

[gregrolaa]

So we hung out. We had fun, it was flirty. But you were distant. We got food. We made dessert. We watched a movie at my place. But you were so distant. Holding yourself back. It sucked. I hurt. You just left. I cried. I don't think I can spend time with you anymore. Not like this. It hurts me. I am hurt. I am sad. I just want to hold you. That's all I want. :(

[gregrolaa]

When you is wide awake and consider going for a run at 3am 🔫

[gregrolaa]

This is what I want to say.

I know you're online. I know you are liking things on social media. I know you have seen my text. Instead of responding you decide to wait until tomorrow because you "got home late and went straight to bed" ... meanwhile you have no been online for almost a full hour/hour and a half! You always do that. You pretend like you are super busy and then get home really late so you can avoid making plans with me! Like I'm not dumb. Oh and then today for the second day in a row now you have pretended that you responded to me and it just didn't get sent through... apparently. I then text you and you reply asking if "I am alive"??? Like... I've told you before, I always answer you and always have! If I don't respond I didn't get it. But you still pretend! And then today, second day in a row I don't get a response from you after last night so I text you again. This time you "resend" the text responding to last night text... like if you really did send it, show me a screen shot! Prove it to me. Like ughhh!! I get it, you are scared of how you feel about me! But like, stop lying to me and just be real! That's all I want! I'm sick of being lied too! I'm not dumb and the fact you don't think I realize is a huge insult! Ughhh this is what I want to say!! But instead I will probably just say "lol it's no problem!"

[gregrolaa]

I've had the worst insomnia lately! I am up laying in bed as my mind runs circle for hours and hours. I whist want to sleep, but my mind won't stop! Then in the morning I wake up with a sense of urgency and can't fall back asleep! It's as if my body had tricked my mind asleep and when it realizes it needs to continue where it left off! This sucks! I am tired, and I just want a good day. Today started off amazing! I was smiling, and enjoying the weather... but then all of the sudden for literally no reason I got really depressed and the day just started to be really shitty! I went to the gym despite my lack of wanting to go, and it helped a bit! However I still wasn't happy or enjoying the day any more! I had a nap and realized I was so tired and should just go to bed... but it was 7... if I did that I would just be waking up now with no chance of getting back to sleep... I dunno, my mind wanders around and around and when it is fixated on something I analyze every possible little thing! If there is something to know about it, I already do! I realized I am a very superstitious person, I believe in a lot of things I guess! For some reason every time I am placed in a new room I am super particular about where I sit, and when I find my seat, I sit there everyday. If I don't get my seat I feel off. Even on a bus, there is 1 specific seat that I will always sit in no matter what if I can! At my home if someone is sitting in my spot I ask them to move, and I will wait until they do! I will not sit anywhere else but my spot! I just realized I am extremely particular. And that effects how I go about something I care about! I will know every detail, every word said, every expression, and how past things can effect future. I break things down, analyze them, and try to uncode any possible hidden piece to the puzzle. This really helps me in life with a lot of things! I am able to learn from my mistakes super fast and only normally make them once before correcting it! However, as great as it is, it sucks. I worry about things that don't matter. I think of things that suck even though they are highly unlikely, they are still possible, which gets me worked up. I spend sooooo much time analyzing because perhaps I made a mistake, or didn't factor something! When I speak about something I really care about/to someone I really care about you can guarantee I have analyzed the conversation in every possible way it could go. I know exactly how I will respond, and how to lead things so I have the highest possible rate of success. This is also a reason tho that I get scared to talk to people. Because I analyze everything I care about I already know or have a rough idea of what to say. However when I haven't analyzed a conversation or all the different possible outcomes I get scared and feel at a disadvantage! So that is the reason why I don't approach the girl I think is pretty at the bar, or say hi to someone I used to see all the time but never was super close with. I just assume they don't like me and I walk away avoiding conversation. I dunno I am just so particular and well organized (believe it or not lol) that to go into something I don't feel prepared for it makes me nervous, so I avoid it. Anyways I've been writing now for about an hour and I feel like I've rambled enough! I was just writing to try and distract my mind from the one thing I unfortunately am unable to stop thinking of. This helped a bit! Hopefully I can get some sleep soon and not over think everything for a bit! That'd be nice! But yeah TBH I'm praying for a miracle to happen in the next couple days, so yeah... and I guess miracle isn't "technically" the right word, but I'm praying for things to turn around in the next few days! So yeah, I guess that's it!

[gregrolaa]

Overthinking is a bitch eh? To bad I overthink everything!

[gregrolaa]

I can't sleep

So this week has sucked. First my dad gets taken to emerge on my birthday, only to have half of his foot amputated. Then being told the infection is still not gone, so he will almost definitely lose more and possibly his whole leg. Second, having to be the rock for my family because my mom and sister are both having a hard time with this and are super stressed out. Thirdly, when things were going great between you and I you start to act distant suddenly! Like last week you were asking for all our pictures together and wanting to go take more together! Talking to each other all day! Now you text me a couple times a day and then decide that you aren’t going to respond anymore until tomorrow! Like… you say that you were tired and just ended up going straight to bed after you texted me when you finished work, meanwhile I can see you were on facebook until 3am! But I can’t say that! I can’t say that I know you decided not to text me or snap chat me back! You will respond on both tomorrow saying you were just so busy and then went to bed… mean while I know you spent the night just on facebook. It sucks because you say you’re there for me and ask me about the things happening with my dad… and then you don’t answer! Like why bother asking if you had no intention of responding?? Likeee ugh I don’t think you realize how much this is affecting me! I went from being asleep, to just waking up quick in the middle of the night to check my phone , to seeing you were just on facebook and still didn’t “have time” to just text back, to now not being able to fall back asleep at 4:06am. My mind will not stop racing! It sucks. When we talk like we normally do, you always seem to distract me from all the shit happening in my life and make me laugh and smile! You know that! And now when I really need you the most to help distract me and make me smile, you become distant! Like not even just stop texting me… but still responding talking as if everything is great between us! The difference now is you choose to barely respond!! On Sunday, the day my dad was taken to emerge I was talking to you about it and you were there for me, until suddenly you decided to just apparently “turn off you phone because you were going through some stuff and was just getting overwhelmed”… like sure ok, I get it! Then the next day you tell me this and said that you would rather not talk about it! So ok that’s fine! But then you start acting distant from me all the way until now! And like I said, you would still text me and snapchat me as if everything was cool, but you would respond a LOT later and spend time on facebook before you finally decided to respond! And then when you do, I respond normally within 10min , no longer than an hour and then it starts all over again! I just hate this game! I just want to talk to you, hangout, and have fun! You have said that’s what you wanted to do too!! So let’s do it!! Please stop the games and playing with my heart! You know you have my heart, so why are you playing these games! I get it, you have feelings and that’s scary! But stop playing around! I shouldn’t be up at 430am tossing and turning because of you! I should never in the middle of the day cry because of you! I should never be stressed thinking about you or worried you won’t respond! But the thing is, I am! I do cry because of you! I don’t toss and turn in the middle of the night because of you! I do worry you won’t respond! That sucks! I hate feeling this way! I can tell you feel the same way as me and it’s obvious! Just as one small example, you called me on New Years just to talk to me! Like…. if you didn’t have feelings or feel the same way as me, you sure as hell wouldn’t have called me! So it sucks that I know we both feel the same way and that you are playing these games with me now because things are getting real! Like over the Christmas break you were at your cottage and so there was no possible way for us to hangout! But now you are back in Toronto, and all you have is work! You and I both know your schedule isn’t that busy! I think it scares you that now we are both here, and there really is no reason for us not to spend time together! I think the thing that scares you the most is that you know us spending time together will only make you want to spend more time with me, and leave your feelings only to keep growing! So I think that’s why you were “overwhelmed”! And could it be something else? Sure! But then why has it affect us? I’m not trying to say I am special and that you are overwhelmed by the fact your feelings are starting to become undeniable towards me! I am saying based on how you have been handling things, it makes it pretty clear that that’s the case! But any ways! I just want these games to end, us to hangout, and just have fun like we always do!! Please stop playing with my heart! I understand you are scared, and rightly so, but you aren’t seeing how that is hurting me! :( i just want the hurt to stop! Let’s just take things as they come! I can’t handle this hurt anymore! I have so much happening right now in my life, that I don’t need another reason to make me upset! You can make me so happy and smile like no other, but with that being said you can also hurt me more than anyone! “I guess the ones you love and let close, are the same ones that will hurt you the most”. That is something I have found to be so true! And I just pray that the hurt ends soon and we can finally just be happy together! And just to clarify I am happy on my own, I make myself happy, it’s just you make me smile like no other! You light up my life! I kinda feel like I glow whenever I’m with you! And not just metaphorically speaking, but like legitimately! So please, let’s just end the games! Please :(

[gregrolaa]

The message I will never send

We talked and I couldn't stop myself from smiling. We talked like we always did and things felt right. There is something about you that just feels right. I could feel it and I know you did too.. here the thing about me, I hate playing it safe! Nothing great ever comings from playing it safe! I like to take risk and go for it! Now here's the thing, by your actions and what you are doing it's clear you want to be with me, and I want to be with you! But instead we are here playing this game pretending that we don't have feelings for each other! Like... you called me last night on my birthday just to talk to me and wish me happy birthday! You had people over, but you still decided you were going to call me! We talk and snap chat each other every day and like each other's posts. The amount of communication we have had between each other and how flirty the conversations have been is not "normal". I guess what I am trying to say is that I have feelings for you and I don't want to pretend anymore that I don't! When I see your name light up my phone I can't help but smile! When we talk I never want the conversation to end! When we are on the phone we never want to hang up, which is why after a few hours we don't end the call! One of us always ends up falling asleep because it's super late! Your jokes make me laugh and smile like crazy! I can't help but think of all the things I want to do with you! I dunno, I can see you feel the same way as me and I just want to stop pretending that we don't have these feelings. I hope that with us hanging out eventually things will continue to progress and lead us to a point where we don't have to pretend any more and doing the thing we want to do with each other won't be seen as taking a big risk! I hope that this leads things to be more comfortable between us in the sense of showing how we really feel and that it allows us to keep moving forward! Ok now I'm rambling! I just hate holding things back so I hope we can keep moving things forward!

[gregrolaa]

I have so my anger, disappointment, sadness, and hurt built up. It's not even your fault, but at the same time it is! I'm trying to stay rational and pretend like everything is fine! But what is really happening is you are silently tearing me apart! I don't think you realize, but you are hurting me. I just want to breathe and get rid of this suffocating feeling! See it's funny because you can make me smile like no other! You make me comfortable to be me! But at the same time you can hurt me so bad! Your words unknowingly cutting into me! I'm hurt. And I just wish you knew!

[gregrolaa]

Sometimes I wish it was "acceptable" for me to say how I feel. I don't have very many friends because I don't feel comfortable with a lot of people. I am only able to say how I feel to someone when I am comfortable with them. When I find someone like that I treasure the relationship and trust them entirely. I find it hard to express myself because I am scared to get hurt. So I just spend my time hidden behind a wall and keep to myself. It's getting worse. I feel more. I hide more. People text me and talk to me and so often I don't respond. Not because I don't want too, but because I have lots of feelings and when I talk to someone I want to have a real conversation and talk about life and what is happening, not small talk. I spend a lot of time alone just trying to deal with things myself and it's hard. Really hard. So for me I create to try and express myself. I am not good with words and when I'm in a conversation talking about how I feel, I so often get lost and don't really know what to say! So I create films to express how I feel. I am very visual and use images to express myself! If you've ever had a conversation with me about how I feel, I may or may not use manyyyyyy images and metaphors! So for me I just use those images to create something that says how I feel. The issue is I create something and it shows how I feel and I am very proud of it however, I am scared to release it to the public. I feel like I am making myself very vulnerable and it scares me :/ I just wish it was alright for me to express how I feel! This is hard, I literary feel like I am 2 different people. One is very quiet, keeps to myself, doesn't say much, and often hangs back in different social situations. The other me is very happy, adventurous, outgoing, and smiles all the time! It used to be that the outgoing me was my normal self, but now the quiet pulled back me has become the new normal. I feel like I'm constantly trapped behind this wall. For me now when I have someone I am comfortable with they make me really happy and give me energy and I can't help but smile with them. It's weird, I used to use my outgoing self to hide how I really felt, but now it's the opposite! I just hide away and try to remove myself from the situation. So now people I am comfortable with make me feel .."real" I guess! I dunno I just spend so much time alone and just over work myself so I kinda burry myself away! But then there are a hand full of people who can make me feel like me! I dunno I am happy, life is great, it's just that those people end up meaning a lot to me! I dunno I'm kinda just rambling! But I just wish I had more of those people that really make me smile! As time goes on the list gets to be less and less! I just wish it didn't :( I dunno, I just, yeah I dunno! That's it I guess

[gregrolaa]

Christmas wishes

[gregrolaa]

"I didn't ask because I was scared to know the answer". This is something that I unfortunately do too often. Even if I know that there is no chance of a poor outcome, I am still scared that for some reason it will be. It sucks. I wish I wasn't scared.

[gregrolaa]

Wtf...

[gregrolaa]

:)

[gregrolaa]

Good

[gregrolaa]

I write to say everything that I unable to. I write to get it out. I write because even though I am alright and happy, there is always something left unsaid. I write to speak the unspoken.

[gregrolaa]

I am writing this not because I am upset, but more because I just don't know what to do. Last night I was forced to go to your graduation party by my friends who wanted to go. As much as I wanted to be there to support you, I really didn't want to be there because of you. However I ended up going. When I first got there I scoped out the room to try and locate you and did my best then to avoid you and pretend I hadn't seen you. Despite the fact I knew exactly where you were the whole night. I couldn't help it. I tried to just go and have a good time with my friends, but unfortunately the thought of you wouldn't go away. I spent lots of time anxiously looking for my friends so that I always had someone with me and made it look like I was having a great time. However as the night went on the thought of being there and seeing you and how beautiful you looked, knowing that I couldn't go talk to you or be with you like I wanted too got the better of me. As I went to go friend one of my friends I brought them off to the side to just sit down for a bit so we could talk and I just couldn't hold back any more and I ... started to cry. I just couldn't help it. I would have given anything to have been here with her. Anyways the night continues and I pretend that I'm fine and pasted a smile on. Eventually I get upset again and just didn't know what to do. It had been a couple hours and neither of us had acknowledged the other yet. Until she came and tapped me on the shoulder as she walked past and smiled. I looked smiled and continued what I was doing pretending not to get caught up. The night continues and still we hadn't really said anything to each other and now it is getting late. I go grab my other friend and sit off to the side again just talking trying to help me out. The next thing you know she is walking over to us. She grabs us both by the hands and drags us out onto the dance floor saying the night was almost over which means we had to come dance with them. So we did and we end up dancing just the two of us and we get really close to each other and things are clearly going well. Her and I started talking and flirting and things were good. Soon enough her roommate comes over and says that they have to go... she said she didn't want too yet and then my friend who lived in the same building as her came over and said that we should grab an uber and he was going to order pizza! So next thing you know I am in an uber with her, her roommate, my friend, and his girlfriend going to their apartment. Me and her continue to talk and she even handed me a mint she had in her mouth and put it in mine. So I took the one I had in my mouth and put it in hers. Things were going well and we eventually get back to the building. At this point people were kinda tired and realistically could have just decided to go to bed instead. However she decided she said that she needed to bring a box down that he had left up in their apartment from when they lived together. Meanwhile she could do this at anyyyyy time because they live in the same building. However she made it a point that she had to do it and that they would come down. So they go upstairs quick to get changed and then came down. I was sitting on a chair off to the side while there was many chairs and couches to pick from she said "there is nowhere to sit" so I move a coat off the chair beside me and said she could sit there. So she decided to come sit right beside me off to the side despite all the more comfy places she could have sat. Her and I start talking and eventually the two of us just ignore everyone else and just kept having our own conversation. So it had been clear that she was pursuing me throughout the night and things were going well! Soon enough the pizza comes and we both move down to the floor and sit by the pizza still continuing our own conversation. Things remain flirty and our conversation was a lot of fun.! Eventually she gets tired and rests her head on my lap to fall asleep. She looked so beautiful. I sat there and played with her hair and couldn't help but smile. After about 20 min of her sleeping on my lap her roommate came over and said it was time to go up to bed! So she got up and was pretty tipsy so I was helping her out making sure she didn't fall. So then it got to the part I didn't know what to do. My friend said go help her upstairs to make sure she gets there alright. So I did. I went up the elevator with them not knowing if I was going in or just dropping her off. But she said that I had to come see her sparkly lights so apparently I was going in. We go see her light then the three of us go to her room and sit on her bed. We are all just talking and hanging out and her roommate starts falling asleep. She says that we should go to bed and that her roommate was welcome to stay if she wanted, but she said no I'll sleep in my room. She she got up leaving her and I alone in her room. One thing that happened consistently throughout the night was she kept bringing up funny and great memories we share between us. After we were alone, that continued and we just kept talking and laughing. She said "I assume you are going to use the other half of my bed as opposed to your friends couch" and I said "that's up to you" and she said "we I'm sure this is more comfortable than the couch". So we established that her and I were going to sleep in bed together. She and I get ready for bed and then we turn off the lights. Her and I talked until about 6am when we both got tired. She and I cuddled and fell asleep. In the morning I was awake before her as always but I just laid there cuddling her. I just couldn't help it and I kissed her forehead. There is no way she didn't know. She was awake and then back and forth sleeping. Eventually we get up and I star getting ready to leave. She then goes and says "it was great having a catch up sleep over friend" and I sarcastically laughed"... ha.. ha yeah.. sure" and then I got everything together and asked her what she was doing if she wanted to hangout. She said she wasn't sure because her roommate had wanted to do something with her but she would let me know. She I said ok and then I said I'll see you later and we hugged and I left. So now I'm upset and confused. Does she want to be with me and just scared of how she feels? Because she knows exactly how I feel about her... so now I don't know what to think or what to do. I so clearly see her and I together again and us out doing stuff like we used too. Like I was so clear! So now I guess all I can do is wait! Which sucks. I know that she definitely has feelings for me because of everything that happened last night and how she was acting towards me. But now I just don't know why she is trying to appear as though she doesn't. I just want her not to be scared :( I want to be with her and show her off to the world. Just the way things were last night I knew 100% she wants to be with me and that she felt that way about me. It's just really hard when you would give your everything for someone and they clearly have feelings for you too and want to be with you they are just scared of how they feel. Like this sucks. Now I'm praying that she texts me and wants to hangout because I know her and I will work. I know we will. Her and I will be together. Just I need help trying to stay patient and not over pursuing her scaring her away again :( this sucks! I just want these games to be done. I miss you and miss what we have. Please come back. I want to call you mine again and show the world how happy you make me. Any ways this post is getting really long and rambly so I'm going to end it here. I miss you. Let's make this work.