greifjournal

[greifjournal]

on grief

it is so ironic. i am 29 years old, and the last time i was here and where this (tumblr) was my entire personality was when i was 12-14. i practically spent most of my bored moments scrolling, reblogging maybe posting those times i felt daring.

i remember it was the way i'd spend my afternoons while my mom taught afterschool until 6pm. she worked so damn hard. 7am bussing, where she'd go to students homes to take the bus with them and then coordinate them from the bus to the classroom. then teach and para all day. then do afterschool until 5:30. she started picking up ahrc on saturdays 10am-3pm. i remember being so relived that she'd be home early. but everyday it ate at me that she worked so hard. i know it was for me. so we could have something. so we would have money. so i could focus on school and my life. so she could give her mom things. so she could give me things. her nieces, nephews, everyone. she just gave so much, her generosity practically spilled out whenever we'd see anyone.

i have so much guilt just tied to my existence. i cant believe she had to do all that. raise me, on her own.

i guess im at that age, where i can relate to her adult life. lack of consent, marriage, in laws, this desperate internal war that constantly screams to be alive, to put yourself first, to leave with your head held high and to just stay, make everyone happy, avoid blame and outward loneliness, but she did it. she was prompted but she did it. she left. im so goddamn grateful to her for how amazing she was. not perfect but the literal joy of my life. my safest place. i cant believe shes not here anymore. i cant believe i wont do all the big things with her anymore. i just am in disbelief, perpetual shock waves bounce inside everytime i remember.