gremmefatale

[gremmefatale]

Spiritfarer, Jewish Matchmaking, and the Death of my Paternal Grandfather: 

Queer Anxieties of Heteronormative Milestones

author's note: Hetero-normative timeline / milestones refer to the expectations to (1) get married, (2) buy a house (3) raise kids, etc in your 20s-30s

Jewish Matchmaking (2023)

People who are my peers (late 20s) are on the show and are stressing about not performing well as a “Good Jewish Woman” aka be married and have lots of kids

The anxieties about reaching a certain age (nearing your 30s) to get married, which of course is the prereq for Having Children. And carrying and birthing a child is its own anxiety because their “Biological Clock Is Ticking”

This is carrying into my anxieties about where I am at in life and that I am in my late 20s with just enough financial stability to support myself but definitely not a whole ass child

Lolo’s demise

In January of this year (2023), my family visited the Philippines, with the main attraction being my 101 year old grandfather. My dad’s dad [Lolo means grandpa in tagalog]

A few days ago, I learned of his passing from my mom, the changing of my cousins’ fb profile pics to Lolo, and the family groupchat

Death and my own mortality is always a sore subject (please don’t make me think about my own mortality for too long) but the death of my last living grandparent is making it more apparent that My Elders die too.

There's definitely no way my Lolo would have lived this long if his descendants didn't make up a whole village (I have 32 FIRST cousins) I know having a family and living with family is a huge protective factor for resilience. However, my mom did not give birth to 6 - 10 children and I definitely won't birth to 6 - 10 kids, so we both don't have that 'insurance' for caretakers in old age

The Bond between a Mother and Child

This is paired with a scene from Jewish Matchmaking in which Harmonie, the 44 carefree blonde, is at brunch with her mother and the matchmaker.

The mother-daughter duo adore and cherish their relationship and both agree that they want Harmonie to experience the special bond between a mother and child

 I would love to see Inay be a Lola and to grandparent my child. I would love to have a child that I can love as tenderly (but probably more tenderly) as Inay did I. I worry that I cannot give that to Inay, or at least in a timely fashion. 

But then I need to remember that I cannot bring a whole person into this world to fulfill this role. I cannot birth a whole person in order to replicate a relationship. (that’s not the end goal, but it is a nice side effect)

I am not equipped [financially, emotionally, structurally, geographically] to Birth a whole person. I need to be prepared to raise this person with autonomy over their own needs, wants, and desires, and right now, I'm still working on that for myself.

and regardless of my readiness to have children... I am not equipped to get pregnant!! Both my partner and I carry uteri and so it's not like a have a ready and willing (and free) supply of sperm!! - this is one of the limits of a queer trying to follow a heteronormative timeline

Spiritfarer

This whimsical indie task management game is about grief, death, and dying :^)

I feel plucked up from my reality and observing life from purgatory. 

Would I have regrets and resentment like Gwen (the deer)?

Would I spend my life occupied and caring for others with no sense of self (like Alice, the hedgehog)?

Would I mourn over the time and energy spent on a love that was not good for me (Like Astrid, the Lion)?

I realize that with taking a broader look at life, time really does move so fast. 

The passage of time is a motivator to stick to heternormative milestones, but the overarching perspective from purgatory makes me realize that I really do need to live life for myself

Queers Move on a Different Timeline

As someone who is not in a relationship that can naturally result in my getting pregnant, I feel like I have dodged a lot of the demands and questions that are aimed at my older brother

Where is the ring!?

When are you getting married!?

When are you going to have kids!!!?

As a queer, I feel like an outsider looking in at the expectations cast onto my hetero peers

I know that queers move at a different pace and that is ok

Queers need to learn how to date in their 20s vs str8 ppl who were doing that in their teens

As a queer, I do not need to stick to the heternormative timeline 

But as a person of color, I feel the pressure to continue building family because I belong to something bigger than myself

I also acknowledge that the nuclear family structure I am referring to when I talk about hetero norms is rooted in whiteness and capitalism therefore, these norms have never really been for me from its inception

Conclusion

Bro, we're in late stage capitalism. It takes 2 fulltime salaries and 1 fulltime caretaker to raise a child in this modern age

Striving to reach these milestones that were created when $1 had value is unrealistic and unreasonable, even for the str8s

Coming from a collectivist culture but living in an individualist society be complicating things