greys-lament

[greys-lament]

i’m starting to feel really constantly suicidal again and it’s fucking with me. it’s making me feel like nothing i do has consequences and that’s scary

[greys-lament]

tfw when every single member of your family abusive or neglectful in one way or another and you genuinely just can’t tell what normal family interactions look like and what anecdotes are appropriate anecdotes for casual conversation instead of “not funny” and “are you okay”

[greys-lament]

i wish people would acknowledge financial abuse. i wish people would stop blindly convicting entire families and wonder about the power dynamics of a stay at home wife and the sole bread maker being the husband. i wish people would open their eyes to how many children of rich men are abused and struggling to eat because they’re estranged from their fathers.

[greys-lament]

the self destructive urge to put myself into a harmful environment and be hurt so i can validate my previous trauma with this new trauma and rinse and repeat

[greys-lament]

i just. want to die. like at this point there’s no other option is there

[greys-lament]

i’m going to fucking murder someone

[greys-lament]

what about me attracts rapists and pedophiles

[greys-lament]

i told my mom today that the thing i’m best at is school and she agreed

[greys-lament]

and suicide isn’t an option either because i would have to tell my therapist or something would slip at school and i need to be done with college apps before i kill my self because i’m not even worth anything without school or grades or getting into a good college

[greys-lament]

anyway. i’m so annoyed i can’t self harm anymore because people would know

[greys-lament]

and i don’t want to tell my therapist about it because i’m terrified my feelings and our relationship was invalid and i don’t want to tell my best friend because i don’t want to seem like a bad person or immature especially because they’re having his own crisis and recently had a break up as well and i can’t tell my school counsellor because that would require telling her we broke up and i just don’t want to do that because that would require breaking the illusion that everything is fine

[greys-lament]

and i can’t even talk about it because my entire time on social media and all the people i’m friends with are friends with him too. and i’m not close enough to chat with them privately

[greys-lament]

my boyfriend broke up with me and it’s the worst fucking time to do that. college apps, my mother’s abuse, my father’s return, my pile of overdue missed work, the sex work i’ve started doing as a result of my mother’s abuse, the disconnection from my siblings, the relapse in self harm, and the other shit i’m not thinking about right now. why couldn’t he just wait.

[greys-lament]

the fact that i want to cut is fucking criminal. why is it such a good option

[greys-lament]

i’m too scared to kill myself… someone else do it for me?

[greys-lament]

haters (my mom) hate to see a bad bitch (us, ages five through eight) winning (lashing out as a response to trauma)

[greys-lament]

no one will ever hurt me more than 13yo me wanted to hurt myself. 13yo me self harmed with office scissors, kitchen knives, and eyebrow razors