grimmthought-blog

[grimmthought-blog]

always in the wrong

everything i do which innocently seems like help or something that will make it easier for u, u get so triggered straight away and u think i think ur a did or incapable of doing anything nigga do u think ill still be with u if ur like that. i fucking do heaps for u but if ur that fucking invalid im outtie cos im not ur mother but im still here arent i......... im just making it as easy as possible for EVERYONE and not just u and ur pissing me off now and it hurts me that u react like that and i start to cry cos ive done lierally nothing wrong yet u make me feel so shit about it and i fuckin hate u for that its literally jan 1st what the fuck im so mad

[grimmthought-blog]

is this the downfall

lmfao ur not even like as possessive as i want u to be like u said u don’t care if i do soemthing just so long as u don’t “find out” ouch much like idk bout u but if u love someone u don’t really wanna see em with another person but u don’t care so do u really love me? i kno that’s such a shit way to measure things but i can’t help but think u don’t love me enough cos u don’t seem as bothered by that, i’m crying so fucking hard and i want u to hear me but u can’t and i love u but if u don’t that’s cool 2 idk i’m just super sad

[grimmthought-blog]

it’s unattractive

u right i’m disgusting i needs to chill with how i react cos now you’re officially turned off lmao i’m doing relationships so wrong just break up with me i’m so embarrassing loololllollllol help mi lordddddd,,,, it’s hard to control but i guess i’ll try and stop it cos it’s gross now and we’re probably way past that phase but i couldn’t b confident enough for u lmfaooooo

[grimmthought-blog]

MAD

fuck what did i do, i honestly hope you never get to read this cos im gonna talk a lotta shit about myself and maybe even a little about u. i cant believe i actually got to this i feel so bad to be honest. idk why i called this mad but im mad like literally crazy and im mad at myself for doing this to u. i cant believe i was too blinded by the whole thing and thats the only thing i focused on. this may sound fucked up but i do hope u break up with me if i spiral like that again. u dont fucking deserve that shit baby u can do so much better than me,,, once again idk why u even w me,,,,,,,im not a 10 so i have to be perfect personality wise to make up for it. BUT IM NOT MAKING UP FOR IT LMFAO!!!! i want u to break up w me,, yes i said it..,,..,..,wa=wefsdhvhudsv=- cos im so shit for u,,, i feel like im holding u back and u dont wanna do certain things cos of me and thats so TOXIC i hate it i hate myself so mucj. its gonna be so hard to bounce back to being “comfortable” to “how i started w u” I like how i was when we first started but i feel like that was me letting shit slide w girls and i also feel like thats all we ever fight about and yes at least 99% is just me over reacting but u do fuel me up for it and talk about ur exes or some shit. like yes u stopped doing that which feels so great for me u dont even kno. and i kno this is probably so different for u like in any relationship you’ve had and im sorry im so difficult and different,,,.,. not the gay shit like im ur unique relationship, cos lmfao im probably ur worst yet most intense one. and i mean that both ways loving each other so intensely but ALSO fighting so intensely with u. i fucken wanna kill myself everytime we fight because were so alike in some ways,, a lot of ways really, like u said we both have too much pride and stubbornness and its funny to a certain point but i know i get to u and u get to me. ill change for you and i really mean that. ill make myself go thru that to make u happy. ill let shit slide and just think that u love me and ur “cement and not going anywhere”. my thoughts are always so conflicting and im scared im jsut gonna explode and get depressed or some shit cos i feel like im halfway there anyway. but i dont care cos ill do that for u. ive done too much to u to be selfish about myself. imma make myself endure shit like it doesnt phase me but ill do that for u cos ur the only person i like doing shit for. ur literally the only one i can think of who i will voluntarily put first before myself. this isnt said with any sarcasm at all i promise u. but i promise u im learning and im tryinb im so sorry im really fucking bipolar and crazy and im scared the reason we’ll break up would be cos of me and it probably will be if it were to happen. im always thinking about u i swear it and i love u so much to keep hurting u. so i guess id rather hurt myself in a sense, rather than hurt u. i cant believe i got to this and im truly sorry cos i hate myself even more. i love u dude, we made too many plans and promises to let this all go. and im just telling myself this. ill try to be a little more confident but in all honesty i just think i cant be confident cos im not in the right place to be,,,, u think that u being w me made me feel confident about myself??? cos i got a mans now??? idk how i did it but i just got lucky it doesnt mean aything if someone has a boyfriend, it just means they got a boyfriend lmfao u dont have to be pretty to get a mans and u probably dont mean it that way  but u kno just sayin,,,, i honesly just get mostly hurt when u joke about HEAUX  and shit like ok im right here!!!! i dont even joke about htat shit cos i cant! u can! but doesnt mean u should... it hurts baby it really does but like i said,,, im truly willing to hurt myself than to hurt u,,, u must be thinking i need some fuckin hobby or some shit as an outlet but ill think of somethin ill find soemthing and everytime u say shit like that or just bring up a girl my crzy ass will just think of the times u say I love you to me and think of the plans and promises u  told me and thatll be enough i swear it..... i love u with everything i have and im sorry u got offended if u ever got to read this....... ur my fucken heart i cant do life without u and im not gonna let u go so easy..... once again im so fuckiing sorry and if u cant promise to break up with me if i put u through bullshit then i will

i promise that if i hurt u like that again, ill just leave. because thats the best thing for u and u kno it.... if ur scared to leave me then i will because i dont deserve u one bit if i even think about doing that to u.... theres no promises about me spiralling so im saying this now. if i do it again and u dont leave me, ill leave u..........................im sorry but for the time being, i love u greatly and i wish i never became like thisss im sorry im so fucked up bywe

[grimmthought-blog]

like really or?

what the fuck is wrong w me lmao. ive never been so scared of u breaking up with me than tonight (august 1st 8:37 pm), i just came home from sleeping over at ur house and we went for a drive at botany bay and all morning ive been annoyed at u with something small since the moment we woke up,,, then u snap me “we see eachother too much” when i got home. why was half of me relieved that one of us said it?? i kno it was gonna be u because out of us two, youre the better realist. while the other half of me was relieved, naturally the other half of me is so fucking hurt. i hate thinking that youre sick of me??? LOL IM CRYIGGRGN anyways, how are we gonna be in the future and now i blame myself for opening my mouth too much and overreacting and reacting the way i shouldnt and ill never admit this to u so its hard enough keeping it to myself. i hate not being able to be the proper girlfriend for u cos u deserve so much better than my ass and if i think about how i act towards u its actually utter bullshit and im hating myself so much rn than i have ever before. im trying baby i swear it i never realised how hard relationships are till now. and its probably even harder for me because this is the one relationship i never wanna lose. i dont wanna sound gay and be like “ur my first, and only one”. but, ur my first, and only one. im being sosososososo ignorant but i guess ive been with u way too long to want anything or even see anything with anyone else. im scared to build again like ive built so much with u already/..,.,.,.kl./ i fucking love u and it hurts?? it doesnt hurt to love u cos thats toxic and youre an angel, but it hurts at the thought of us not actually being together,,, and im fucking embarrassed that i actually feel that way cos we make fun of bitches like that. being a girlfriend is fucking hard but ill fucking endure it for u i dont even care. life is so hard rn and i dont know what im doing with it thats why when we fight i take it so goddamn hard, cos the only thing stable in my life is u and when we fight it fucken just falls apart and it hurts my heart soooooo much i dont ever want u to see me like this esp how i am rn. u make me so fuckin happy and i know i dont show that sometimes and im sorry but u really do make me so FUKN happy. lord i need u lolololol i cant lose u and it fuckin crazy that ive become like this but im trying to just be a girlfriend and nothing too much more cos i feel like u cant escape me and ur suffocating. i think the only reason i dont feel that way is cos u got a great family while i dont, and u see ur friends all the time and do what u like whenever u want without being weighed down,,, while im kinda just,,,ye haha, uni (whenever i feel it),,, work,, marius.. lol………………………….. i tryyyy sooooooOOOOOo hard to see u less cos i do see u getting less and less excited to see me BECAUSE u see me that often and dang that just hurts too? but i cant stay away from u? fuck me well bigass dilemma ayeeeeeee…… idk anymore im not crying anymore im jsut sad is alllll. im scared to tell u any of this cos ur gonna look at me differently and plus ur with ur boys tonight and i dont wanna ruin ur day even more. i love u marius and i pray for u everyday that youll still be mine in like 5 years lol pls im fucking begging u lord let me have this angel please

[grimmthought-blog]

mcp

man o man are you even real??? you’re so pure. you’re so classic. you’re so rare. i love every part of you and everything that comes with you. im honestly fucking living when im with you, you make everything so exciting and interesting when it sometimes cannot even be at all exciting or interesting. you’re the only one that can make smile 3 seconds after being angry. i dont know how you do it, i want you for the rest of my life. i want whats in this picture. i wanna see this every time we have to make something, occasionally its me and then it’ll be you. you’re in boxers or naked even, and i in your shirt cos i already know i wont want to wear my clothes if i have the opportunity to always wear yours. i wanna sit on the kitchen counter and watch you and admire you still just like when we just started our relationship. i wanna talk about my day and hear about yours and then i wanna talk about our memories and probably sit in awe because of where are, how we made it and how we actually did. after we eat, we’d probably fuck after cos thats what i always wanna do anyway, and then lay in our bed and get high or watch a movie or fuck again idk aye. i love laying in bed with you and stare at you cos i dont ever get sick of looking at you. i love playing with your hair and then ur soft as fuck skin cos it makes me jealous. your body is so nice and warm and smooth i love being in ur arms u dont understand how goddamn good it feels i cant wait till we can be like that all night long. sometimes im being a little ignorant and naive when it comes to our relationship cos we havent even been a thing for that long but i dont know i just feel so sure about you??? im confident in us and it assures me that u feel the same cos in the back of my mind i dont like bein the only one that thinks about our future or even pictures it. i cannot comprehend how much has happened in our relationship already and we are currently just 8 months. i admire what we’ve gone through cos its been a wide range of problems so far and i love that we work it out straight away. my chest literally hurts when i know youre angry and im an arrogant bitch who will be petty and not say sorry or whatever first so i thank you for having that kind of patience with me. i thank you dearly for giving your heart to me and then trusting me with yours. i thank you for you, and you for making us, fuck youre such a perfect person i need you i fucking love u and i’m so utterly in love with u marius ceazar pascual

[grimmthought-blog]

November 18 2016

it's definitely not like how it is in movies or books or just stories bout it. I feel bittersweet about my first time but I don't mind it. the day went to plan but what followed didn't. it felt weird in a sense because it was not what I expected. it usually pulls through the whole thing majority of the time but I didn't do it properly. I was okay with that, he was too and i love him deeply for that. i literally felt what was supposed to pop, pop. it really does "pop" and it feels uncomfortable however not painful. the only pain I felt was when it was put inside and I felt every inch of my inner self trying to take it all in as I was stretched wide. I couldn't do it but it's ok cos it happened at 9pm in my car parked somewhere in pemulway. I regret nothing. I'm glad something i kept for so long was given up to him. I apologised for not letting it happen 100% and he goes "what!! why are you even sorry. we'll just keep trying again till you are completely ready" this is memorable moment was when I truly fell in love with my boyfriend. I realised his value to me, and I to him. he's a treasure and I still question how someone like me can keep him because he now carries me in this relationship and right now, my only source of happiness.

[grimmthought-blog]

it's the night before my last HSC exam and I'm listening to the song that was playing when we were making out. it's not even that late but I can't stop thinking about you and how thankful I am for you and if we ever break up I'll be so devastated. I'm probably being so ignorant since we've only been official for like a month but I swear it seems longer. i miss you daily, from the minute we separate from each other I immediately miss you. we could seriously be just in silence, cuddling, kissing- but I'd rather that than be alone without you. I pray every night we go places and go car cos I do love you so much and I've never felt this way before. I'm so real about you. You have me.

[grimmthought-blog]

I'm so in love w/u it's unreal and I don't think u understand how much I care for u and how happy u make me ur great

[grimmthought-blog]

lmao

im not having second thoughts about you, you’re still the one on my mind 24/7 and remember its u that i chose,,,,,,,

BUT

you are popping up a lot. this is the third day in a row where you’ve called me since i went to night noodle markets. idk why you’re even telling me about your problems like im here for u, im always gonna be here LOL.... but like i never thought we’d get to how we are now where you’d tell me ur problems like u were never ever like that towards me but idk if shit happens to me im gonna kill u xx

[grimmthought-blog]

this is literally what I said to myself before we got to where we are now and I laugh it it daily