grlunchrted

[grlunchrted]

today in bed i thought to myself and what was my purpose? nothing. I just rot. my soul is rotting and its leaking everywhere. it consumes any thought or dream i may have. its expired and needs a change, but only when the time comes it cam happen.

[grlunchrted]

the river invited me. i want to go.

[grlunchrted]

--

i feel very pathetic today.

i see others getting married, graduating, moving on to the next stps in life. and i am stuckl. i cannot move.

im currently recovering from a horrible ear infection. when i tell you that was a bitch to get over for the first couple of days--. the pain was severe. like achinging pain that moves to my ear and jaw with sharp stinging pain that happens in waves. when i went to the urgent care a second time, trust the tears were OUT! it was a horrible pain that i couldnt phathom. I was aching and irrtatble.it was hard to talk or comprehend anything. I took all the last of my energy to dirve 20mn to the nearest URC for pain meds but obviously they looked at me and told me to continue the tylenol and ibeprophen every 4 hours. In tears, I told them I've been doing so but they just looked me down in the most condesending way and sent me on my way. In hindlight, I shouldve thought through in this climate abd my skin color that nothing wouldve been subscribed. However, in my aching pain I tried my best. So i sucked it up and fought through the next 36hrs and thankfully im a little better. However, I still feel very embrassed about how much I cried. I could over hear the staff saying "actress" when they closed the door. That was crushing. I geinuingly couldnt hold my tears, the pain was too much for me. I would wonder "how do other people deal with this pain? why is everyone looking at me like I was crazy"?. Then I thought to myseld, maybe its because I am built weak, you know? Other people can probablt deal with pain, but I can not. And that is true with my life. I couldnt handle high school, college, or basic life. Im barley keeping my job together as it is. i cannot comprehhend these age apprpootae social milestones at all.

I feel like im constnatly fallen behind.

Im still afraid of everything. Im still afraid of everyone. My emotions and mind is unstable. Indecivess is constant. im fine one miute, and a mess the next. I think A, bit then B. Im just overall very sad and lonley. Thats why I made this account. So i can yell in the abyss untill I get the oppruniuty to go.