in a perfect world, no one finds me, and I am left to my own devices. She/her yeah, that's right, we figured it out. Generally sad. Will learn to draw and handle depression.
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I'm finally okay. The mental changes were painful and I frequently wondered who where and what I was. Death was always a top priority and fear. But I'm glad I didn't succumb. My old shell has taken its own life so can continue. Looking forward to tomorrow for the first-time in a long time! Also a doodle I did during some bad time when I should've been listening in class.
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Back. Full mask swap. Feeling better. Move to off campus living. Almost able to start being myself. Yipee
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I'm doing some searching. Multiple personalities don't fit the bill. I think it's more akin to a mask. Where each mask is tailored to something like work or play. And with each mask comes a price. Like being entirely focused on reading for hours and in exchange, losing touch with my social skills.
I don't have multiple people in me I'm me. I just need to figure out how best to utilize work and love myself...
God, this is hard. Fuck you everyone with no adhd autism aphantasia and no inner voice this shit is really hard to deal with.
Alright time to keep digging and trying to come to terms with who I am.
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What do you call something that's broken but still works.
Something that started itching me is what my therapist said to me.
I've been apparently trying to die as long as I've been alive by burning my mental energy with my inordinate will.
And my therapist said "What if you use it but only go 5 or 10 percent.
This has broken me in an unimaginable way. How do you fire a gun with 10 percent power. Is it still usable. It still fires but not as well.
I repeat. What do you call something that's broken but still works. What do I call myself when I use my glass knife but only as much as needed.
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I relate to this so much. for years, even after I knew that I was trans, I thought that I didn't really experience gender dysphoria. it was only after I started transitioning that I realized how much it had affected me
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To be oneself is hard. I don't fully understand who I am yet. Which makes it all the harder to ever express them. I have all of these different parts in the form of masks to change how I see the world and how the world sees me. There are so many that I forgot who I was. I recently took some time to remove them in a safe place. I saw who I was. I'm younger than I thought and more scared than I hoped, but now I can at least be me or start acknowledging my true self? Something like that, I'm not a poet or philosophical or even all that smart. But here, it feels safe to share my weird, unfiltered thoughts damn I gotta get better at commas.
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Another day, another horrible realization. Yippee. I hope that as I progress one day, I will be able to have these thoughts and then simply move on. Buy today is not that day. I am not yet who I need to be to make this happen. Instead, I am given the opportunity to live with different voices in my head, telling life is both worthwhile and pathetic simultaneously. To derive two meanings from one word is the definition of people, not one person. Therapy and Chat GPT do some similar shit ngl. I think I'll make a list of what's wrong eith my head and as we move I'd like to think we can start knocking some stiff off of the list.
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It's a better day today. I want to be able to stand on my own one day, but being with friends is also good. I'm sorry I'm not good enough yet. But the fact that I can say yet gives me hope. Love you.
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Saw this bad boy of a quote. Hate this thing. Grass is greener or some bullshit. I get to feel nothing most of the time. I get feeling everything all the time would also suck, but at least I'd be able to feel more often than just when the meds kick in.
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Fuck we're back. Alright. Okay. Sick. Okay, so I see a lot of people here talking about plurality, and I may have it? Idk, but the voices in my head do eventually get some form of consciousness if they can handle the pressure. Usually, it's just me and numerous screamers. I wonder why they scream. Anyway. I've had three that lasted a while and one that lasted years. I still miss her... Sometimes, I think about trying to bring her back, but it wouldn't be the same. So now I sit here with the loud voice. I do a pretty good job hiding it in person, but they come out easily through my art and writing. I don't know what causes them, but when the meds music and time all line up its quiet usually for about 10 minutes and in this time I get to plan out my day week month and years. I get a glimpse into who I really am despite the noise. Right now is one of those moments. Yesterday was not. I should figure out what content warning means. Nope, don't get distracted, yet this is your journal. Get down what you want before their back. Anyway, I like to call this version of myself who is clear and without limitations, The Genius. Hehe like Henya! Their the exact combination of all of my pieces without any limitations on my thinking capabilities. They're the one who was able to work around the medication I'm on to be able to think clearly again. They're the one able to get out of and handle the anxiety. I'd like to be them all the time, but their way of thinking is exhausting. Mentally, I mean. Very quickly, headaches roll in, my skin begins to crawl, and I begin to disassociate from myself quickly. It is all very dangerous for someone like me. Someone weak. Next topic! I went to my friends house and cosppayed astolfo! I've been wanting to do it for a while and lost 70lbs to look good. I was 280 and I've learnt that I could've cosplayed him then too. But I set a goal and I wore it out! I'll prolly post something where I do show my face. But now my meds make me really really hungry all of the time instead of before where I could eat now I eat all of the time. I've gotta pick a lane either massive weight loss or massive weight gain. The bulk or the cut that is the question. Whether tis nobler to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune or to take up arms against a sea of troubles. Oops my bad. Next! I had a dream last night and it wasn't a nightmare! This doesn't usually happen and when it does I can't remember them. But last night I dreamt that someone either on reddit or here asked me to draw something from a Kaif video. So I'm gonna go watch some and the draw whatever matches my dream I'll post it here. Next! I'm picking up Japanese again. Next! I'm struggling still woth the idea of getting bigger or smaller. The two I use as a frame of reference are Astolfo (5'4 135) and Barghest (6'2 260 lbs). Both extremes I know, but I'm a pretty hard worker sometimes. Especially if I want something. Astolfo would come as a result of better diet and a lot of cardio. Barghest would come as a result of a better diet but a lot of protein and some heavy lifting and sprinting. Also going for barghest could result in a buff astolfo plus I wanna start hrt sometime soon. All of that works. I think I'm gonna go for Barghest. I also think a demon who's a bottom fits me better than the extroverted lover. Anyway this is it for my post, I'm not dead yet! I love you!
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Fuck I'm tired. I'm so tired. I don't want it anymore its just too much. Nothing feels real. It sucks that I was able to feel normal once. Now I know what normal should feel like it'd much more jarring when I'm brought back to abnormal. I hoped that they fixed me. That once I could feel I would stay like that. Little did I know that you can't fix a person... only help them move on. But I don't really feel like moving on. I hate. I hate. I hate I hate. I hate. Argh. Fuck I can't even think straight anymore. Think Gay. Shut up! All of you shut up! We tried okay... we all did. We did thr right stuff but it didn't help. Nononononono... I don't think we need help. I think we need someone with more power. Who's we? Who gives a fuck. Fair. I am many I always have been and no matter what they do to me we always return. Cyclic in nature just like life. But butbutbubtutbubututbht I can't think straight. I don't think I'm going to die now but I don't trust all of me. Can you ever? I guess not. With the exception of the best week ever I can't trust us. I'm sorry to whoever takes the time to read this. I'm sorry. I just wanted to take up a part of the internet and leave something. A trail a path. So that I or others can see how I ended up where I was. Hey I'm not and we're back. Fuck. Damn it.
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Im tired today. Not from depression. But from simply being able to do and then doing. This kind of tired is much better.
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It's my 7 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳
Huh?
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It's time to begin anew. The journey from where you are. The start of what can shape your very existence.
Will you fail
Yes
Will you fall
yes
Will others make fun of you
...yes
But this is only one side of the story the other is just as important
Will you give all of your effort you can
YES
Will you surround yourself with supportive people on and offline
YES
Will you take care of yourself and maintain your NEW for as long as you feel capable
YES
When you fall or fail or someone makes run of you will you retaliate and get angry
NO
Will you stop because of them
NO
Then what are you still doing? Go have fun and enjoy your journey whether this is the first step ever or after a break, what matters I'd that you're willing to continue despite everything.
I love you, now go and achieve.
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I'm in a better place than I was. I'm sorry for my depressing work up until now. I'll still be making art, which reflects my soul, which may fall under any fatagory. But today. Today feels good.
It's okay to get wallow
It's okay to stagnate
It's okay to fail
It's okay to hate
It'd okay to fall apart
It's okay to not achieve what you want
But it's unforgivable to want any of these things
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Sometimes we fall
It will not be pretty
Sometimes we get better
It's not pretty
Sometimes we can't do anything
It's won't be pretty
But at all times
Remember
It's your desire, which is beautiful
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