groovyrosyraspberry-blog

[groovyrosyraspberry-blog]

a letter to jeff.

Where to even begin. Am I right? (little laugh here) 

Oh jeffery boakye. You have seriously made such a huge impact on me. From putting me through several mini-heartbreaks to making me a much more confident person. These past three months have been close to a comparison of riding a rollercoaster. I thought that we would eventually end up together and be a strong couple. I gave you everything that I had in me. I still remember when you told me that you loved me over the phone...you went on to talk about something else and I was just there stunned. As if I was stuck in that moment for a long time. I remember feeling so happy and went out to buy your favorite things so that I could send it to you and to demonstrate that you had someone that cared for you. We kept on going back and forth on what we wanted. Well truth be told that was me. All you wanted at the time was to not be tied down by a 19 year old while you still had so much better options that you haven’t experienced. i suppose. I honestly don’t know why I still kept coming back to you when I knew that what I wanted was too much for you. Was it love or just stupidity? I couldn’t let you go. Finally you have demonstrated that all you wanted was sex from me. To this day, It still gets to me. fuck. im crying right now while listening to all night by beyonce. I decided to end things and I cried so much that night. I later went on a date with someone and got into a relationship. Wasn’t the smartest move but I think that if it wasn’t for that then we would still be stuck in the same loop. But now you tell me that you love me and that you want me back and be in a serious relationship with me. Hearing you say that put me through another rush of emotions. Excitement, anger, sadness, and disbelief. We talked for hours and I actually considered going back to you. But I am in a relationship and for the first time I have someone to show me how a relationship full of love should be like. We had times like those but it wasn’t real since we were just fuck buddies. You can’t give me guarantees but you promise that you would try. And you told me that you slept with other people while we were seeing each other. I love you but I dont know how I can look past that. I forgive you and I know that I love you but I just cant trust you. Every relationship requires a strong sense of trust in its foundation but we already fucked up there. I want us to work out and I am willing to put in the work but our relationship that lasted over a year shows me that we can’t work out. im sorry love. 

[groovyrosyraspberry-blog]

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03/11/17

“ Love—is anterior to Life Posterior—to Death Initial of Creation, and The Exponent of Breath.” 

-Emily Dickinson

I have finally found myself in a position where everything just feels right. The relationship I have with Z is amazing. What can I say he’s just perfect. I laugh at his jokes and I enjoy spending time with him. Sometimes I feel that I’m not “the girl” for him. He’s so passionate about AI and I can’t even relate to what he feels for it. Sometimes he talks about it and listens to podcasts but all I can say is “that’s really cool”. It is, but I just can’t contribute to what he does or is interested in. That worries me. I’m going to major in a stem field as well but that’s all where we can relate to each other. Right now he is learning about statistics during spring break which is crazy but admirable. Am I being paranoid? I probably shouldn’t worry about this. When we spend time together we go out and buy books and just enjoy each other’s company. I should just keep on taking this relationship one day at a time...I shouldn’t worry about our compatibility in the future. one day at a time rose.