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Everyone involved in the preparation, delivery, purchase and consumption of a pizza from Tony’s New York-Style Pizzeria was thoroughly baked off his ass, it was reported Monday.

“From its creation at the hands of a stoned-out-of-his-mind pizzeria employee to its eventual consumption by a group of guys so unbelievably high they didn’t even realize they had mistakenly given the delivery driver a $20 tip, this pizza spent its entire existence in a dense cloud of marijuana fumes,” said pizza-industry watchdog Roger Dernier, who has been monitoring the link between pizza production and illegal drug use since 1991. “In the brief time this pizza spent on Earth, at no point did it come into contact with a single non-stoned human being.”

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Debating silently showing this to one of the flight attendants while boarding

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been losing it over this for 10 minutes

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According to students enrolled in professor Michael Rosenthal’s Philosophy 101 course at Dartmouth College, that guy, Darrin Floen, the one who sits at the back of the class and acts like he’s Aristotle, seriously needs to shut the fuck up.

His fellow students describe Floen’s frequent comments as eager, interested, and incredibly annoying.

“He thinks he knows about philosophy,” freshman Duane Herring said. “But I hate his voice, and I hate the way he only half raises his hand, like he’s so laid back. We’re discussing ethics in a couple weeks, but I don’t know if I can wait that long before deciding if it’s morally wrong to pound his face in.”

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My mother, on writing: listen, I know how you feel about self publishing, but one of my friends–no, listen–one of my friends knows somebody who started writing gay erotica on Amazon and now she has such a huge following that she does it full time and pays all her bills.

Me: I don't have the time to invest in self-publishing and I'm not interested in writing for a living, it takes all the fun out of it

Me:

Me: sorry, did you say gay erotica?

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While making dinner tonight, I very very fleetingly, but very seriously and legitimately thought “I should watch Goncharov tonight”

And then I Remembered.

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I’m at the doctor office and this baby keeps yelling “I want donow” (mcdonalds) and the big brother (I assume) said “all the mcdonalds burnt down, there’s no more mcdonalds”

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Easier than submitting a bug report

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I have no words

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This is legitimately one of my fav quotes from him