grwangtang

[grwangtang]

it feels like i’m on fire--

it has been a really, really, really long time since i have written anything (on this blog. i still write in others and in my personal journal almost daily). 

before i go any further, i want to make a *disclaimer: this is a purely emotional outpouring. i am completely aware that the Black Lives Matter movement is not about me--i don’t intend to center myself in the narrative, i don’t write this post as a way of trying to overpower everything that Black voices are trying to say. i’m writing in an attempt at self-therapy, completely subjective and an emotional torrent of my thoughts and feelings, because sometimes i think i will explode if i keep it all in. i need an outlet. and this is my outlet. so know that this one is personal, and that my voice should not take up space in the BLM movement--but also know that i can’t help writing anyway.*

i’m writing this morning because i’m angry. i woke up angry. i went to bed angry. i’ve been angry all this week, all this month, for so many years, it feels like. it feels like i’ve been angry for so many years, and this morning, it welled up again, bursting and rushing and burning, and it felt like if i didn’t get it out, i would explode.

it comes and goes. there are days and weeks where i almost forget about it--because i’m privileged enough to forget about it. because my life is so full of blessings and goodness and benefits from the racist system that i grew up in that it doesn’t affect me. there are even months where it feels separate from me, and sometimes, i admit, it’s easier to ignore it and look away since it’s so separate. sometimes it’s easy to go about my life and enjoy all of its advantages and not face the ugly, horrible things that had to happen in order to get me here. 

i think i’ve been angry since 2013. i think i’ve been angry since i started teaching. i think i’ve been angry on behalf of my students.

i think i’ve been angry since i first set foot into Alfred Benesch Elementary and saw the complete, absolute, outrageous bullshit that this country wants to call an education that that school had to offer them. 

and i think, in varying stages, that i have come to carry that anger inside me, burning at all times, but in different levels of intensity. 

and how fucked up is it that i didn’t know about this insane level of injustice--how messed up is it that i had no idea how Black people were being mistreated and systemically, socially discriminated against--until i taught in an all Black school in an area of Cleveland that others called the “ghetto” and the “hood” and cautioned me against walking around in? it’s so fucked up. it’s so fucked up that it was so far removed from me. it’s so fucked up that it was so separated, so screened, like i was raised and selected and partitioned intentionally in a section of society with blinders on, like i had these partitions meticulously attached to either side of my eyes by my church, by my Christian leaders, by my family, by my school and its textbooks and lessons and history, by my teachers and my fellow students and my fucking ivy league universities, by every single fucking thing around me, so that i was conditioned and grew up completely fucking blind. 

it’s so fucked up that i didn’t see until i got dropped into room 208 of Alfred A. Benesch Elementary School, where i taught all Black kids and saw all Black life in an all Black neighborhood and suddenly got those fucking blinders that society so meticulously installed ripped the fuck off of my eyes. it’s so fucked up that that was the only way that i could see. it’s so fucked up that maybe 75% of the people in my life that i still interact with still have those blinders on. it’s so fucked up that America took such careful pains to screw those fucking shutters on that i don’t know how to take them off. 

even for people i love. even for my best friends, my Christian community that has become a family that i grew up with, my actual family: my older brother, my father and mother and aunt.

and it’s so fucked up that this is how Black people live. that their whole lives they have been this angry. that their whole lives they have faced this fucking infuriating injustice. that they have not had the blinders installed, ever. that they’ve been trying to take them off of other peoples’ faces for centuries and instead faced backlash, denial, discrimination, dismissal--been called names, been mistrusted, been questioned and examined and analyzed for their fucking lived experiences. 

it’s so fucked up that this is the world that my students grew up in. that my kids have known nothing but this.

that for me, it was a three year experience teaching. 

that for them, it is a lifetime of watching their cousins and brothers and sisters and mothers and fathers getting shot. 

and this week, Jacob Blake was shot in the back seven times by police officers. today, Breonna Taylor has still been murdered while the so-called law enforcement officers who killed her walk free (fuck Jonathan Mattingly and Myles Cosgrove and Brett Hankison. i said what i said. fuck them.). today, it’s been over a year since Elijah McClain was killed for no fucking reason. 

Tamir Rice could’ve been T***z. N******h. K***i. any one of my kids.

and my country--my church leaders, my church community, some of my best friends from church, some of my family members, some of my friends--refuses to see it. 

this morning, i woke up angry.

[grwangtang]

my last day of work was today, and--

i am in a totally different mood than i was three days ago. 

to be fair. i have to move three times in two weeks. i will be in four cities over four weeks. i have to leave my house that i’ve lived in for the last two years. i have had to quit my job and say goodbye to my office. in ten days, i will be moving to cleveland for at least a month, to commit to a fellowship with my chruch back home. there has been a respectable amount of upheaval in the last few days that warrant a bit of emotional distress. 

but tonight, ray was randomly free to read the Bible and sing worship songs together. he headed over and we ate dinner and prayed and sang together for the last time this house. 

and today, my coworkers said goodbye to me. they said some of the nicest things in the world. they made me feel so loved, seen, appreciated, and noticed for what i contributed this year. and my last project was a smash hit, a total success--made my colleagues so happy. 

i ended on a high. 

and tonight, all i can say is worthy, worthy, worthy. when i lose sight of Him, all the problems come. when i see my God, all i can say is: You are worth my whole life. You are worth every bit of me. i am so in love with You. 

[grwangtang]

freaking all the way TF out--

here are all my fears, numbered and stated as explicitly and baldly as i can say them, so that i cannot hide behind shadows and self-doubts and half-lies anymore. 

1. i think of going back to the midwest and going back to the local churches in which i grew up as giving up my freedom. i feel constrained and limited in that environment, in a way that i don’t out in boston. i do not want to return because i think that place squashes some part of me, puts out some fire or some light inside my soul, squeezes some joy of youth/wildness/ambition out of me. 

i don’t want to go back because i love being free.

2. i hate being friends with only Christians. i think it is small minded and scary and cult-ish. i’m also racist, unintentionally and terribly, against Asians. i think because i have been raised in Midwest White Society, i have put a premium on Whiteness. i have valued it above Asians--have fought my whole life to run away from being Chinese, from being associated with Asianness, have fought ot align my personality, my priorities, my relationships, with being White. 

and my church is very Asian. it grates on me and ignites the intolerance i have swallowed and digested, whether or not that’s right. i don’t want all Asian Christian friends. 

i have loved my harvard friends because they are grand people--ambitious and brilliant, organized and talented. they are diverse and broad and worldly, well traveled and cool and intelligent. they push me to be better. they force me to grow. there’s that saying, “you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.”

in boston, my average rose significantly. i do not want to give up my five people. 3. i love this city. it’s big and bustling, exciting and new. i love boston and its water. it’s so close to all of my friends from college and grad school. it’s easy to travel back and forth. it’s easy to see everyone. it’s easy to take public transit (i friggin’ hate driving), just a train ride to NYC, just a short flight to DC.  4. i like making money and working in some prestigious policy position. i like promotions. i like knowing that i could make six figures before i’m 30. i like feeling important, having my writing recognized, being complimented and seen.

that doesn’t exist back home. back home, i am complicit in the patriarchy, submissive to a system that promotes men over women just by nature of their gender. back home, i am subjected to conservatives, to old-school-white-men-in-suits. back home, i am limited, overlooked, ignored--even though i know in my heart of hearts that i am overqualified, more qualified, just objectively better than so many others. 

5. i am not ready to give up my ambition yet. i am not ready to give up my dreams. i am not ready to leave all of this behind.  i fought so hard to be free. this feels like a return to jail. my soul is freaking all the way the fuck out. 

[grwangtang]

House at Hyde Park, London

[grwangtang]

saving this for later, because i want to read all of it (thx bethie).  furthermore--this is kinda related. had this argument with a good friend of mine about education. he was saying how it just makes sense to educate the average student, because with limited money, doesn’t it make more sense to just teach those who will be more productive in society? isn’t it smarter to just spend money on the “smart” kids? so. many. false. premises. 1. the false premise that a middle class kid is going to be more productive in society just inherently--ignoring the potential and the brilliance of so many of the kids that i taught and knew. thinking that they will never amount to anything, when their condition was already assigned to them just by merit of birth. believing in “smart” kids vs “stupid” kids, when in reality, it’s all ENVIRONMENTAL, and if we change the ENVIRONMENT that a kid is in, a poor black kid can produce and give back just as much as if not more than a rich white suburban child. 

2. starting from this idea that there is a CAP to the amount of money spent on educating children. 2% of our money in the federal gov goes to education. two. percent. don’t tell me it’s because of finite resources--it’s because of what’s prioritized. https://www.cbpp.org/research/federal-budget/policy-basics-where-do-our-federal-tax-dollars-go could keep going but that was not the point of me logging into tumblr today. wanted to write about my feelings. but got sidetracked. brb gonna go do that now.

Capitalism produces scarcity artificially where there is none.

There are enough houses.

There is enough food (in fact there’s currently massive amounts of “overproduced” grain being left to rot)

There is enough water.

Even without changing the horribly designed production systems, there is no real shortage.  People don’t starve, have no fresh water, have no houses to live in, etc. because there are not enough of these things.  People don’t have access because capitalism denies them it.

There’s enough to share for everyone.  It’s not a zero sum game for poor and oppressed peoples. 

[grwangtang]

internal freak outs

(so apparently all i do on this website these days is freak out and then chronicle it--) that all being said. i am freaking the eff out. i have to tell my boss that i am turning down my promotion and quitting this job come august 15th. i have to find housing in boston after august 18th when my lease ends. my whole world is going topsy-turvy in so many ways.  and there are moments of incredible peace and trust, when i am certain that i am doing the right thing, and completely assured that He is beside me and that He will not leave me. 

then there are moments of panic. where i have to tell my boss in the next hour that i am not coming back. where things get real. where the rubber hits the road and my nice feelings are put into practice. where He has to deliver and deliver fully--where He has to actually be beside me, not leave me, strengthen and provide. 

this is one of the panic moments.  Lord, don’t leave me. God, walk beside me. Lord, strengthen me. help this conversation to go as smoothly as possible. give peace on both sides. heal all brokenness and relationships that might get rocked from this talk. give me courage and boldness. let me stand for You. don’t leave me. 

amen amen amen. 

[grwangtang]

Armani Privé F/W 2018/19

[grwangtang]

I love seeing people carrying flowers bc they look so happy and u kno they’re gonna make someone else mad happy

[grwangtang]

Listen to elderly when they start telling those old stories. These are the highlights of their full, thick, eventful human life

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paul rudd: [an actor who has played many different roles through his career, and now even plays a superhero that will likely be his most recognized character]

ben wyatt’s voice in the back of my head, softly whispering:

[grwangtang]

[grwangtang]

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Anaïs Nin/Joanna Newsom

[grwangtang]

resigned--

“resigned re·signrəˈzīn/verbpast tense: resigned; past participle: resigned 2. accept that something undesirable cannot be avoided.” 

that’s how i feel about life right now. things aren’t great. things are actually very stressful and scary and exhausting. i will not have a place to live after august 18th. i do not have any decision or direction about my life next year. i have no idea what happens after august 18th. 

in the meantime, my aunt still has cancer, my little brother is still reeling from a breakup, my church fam here in boston is still struggling and falling apart, my best friends in boston are still all moving away from me. 

life is, as previously mentioned, a bit of a shitshow. 

but i can’t help but love Him regardless. He is still my Lord. i still love Him. i will yet follow Him. so i don’t know why things are a big mess. i don’t get what He’s doing. i’m a bit hurt, a bit sad, a bit resentful and frustrated--like, why, Lord?!?! what the heck are you doing?!??! but i will yet love Him. i’m just...waiting for Him to move. i’m tired and stressed and if i think about it too hard, i start to freak out--but i still love Him. 

it’s too late now. i can’t leave Him. He has me. i just...don’t know what to do next. 

[grwangtang]

shitshow of a day--

(please don’t feel obligated to read this, if anyone even reads this scrambled up mess of a tumblr anymore) things that are going wrong today/yesterday night into today, in somewhat descending order of catastrophe:

1. my aunt goes into surgery for breast cancer. 8 inch incision, lymph nodes will be colored (i don’t understand this part) to check for lymphoma, decisions will be made about chemo accordingly. 

2. my dad, my little brother, and my mom got into a meltdown screaming storm out of house fight. because everyone’s stressed and tired and tense. i spent over four hours on the phone yesterday night trying to help sort things out. things are as calm as they can be right now. but everyone’s just....struggling. my mom because her sister and best friend is undergoing serious surgery and has cancer. my dad because my mom turns...controlling and annoying when she’s stressed. my little brother just got dumped from his first girlfriend, plus is handling the stressed-out-mom-situation very poorly. combine for a giant shitshow explosion, wahoo. 

3. work is so tiring. i am so proud of this policy. i am so glad it passed. i am so glad that it worked and that i was instrumental to pushing it through. but it is so exhausting. half the team hates it. half the teachers hate it. i remain convicted that it is the right thing to do, but it is so emotionally draining to slog through others’ negativity, and it is so exhausting to do the actual implementation of it as well.  4. i just found out that the nonprofit that i thought i could work for next year doesn’t want me anymore, because my schedule is too hard to work with. i had been trying to split my time 50/50 between working for this nonprofit here in boston and participating in that internship with my church back home. this nonprofit seemed the solution--until i sent them the actual schedule and told them all the details about it. they tried and tried and tried but ultimately said nah. all these interviews, all these phone calls, all this attempt, is basically for nothing. back to square one.  5. i still have nowhere to live come august 18th. i am still uncertain what next year will bring. i still have no decision made in regard to anything, anything at all, all i have and all i am is confused, tired--all the time, confused and tired.  i go to cleveland this weekend for mountaintop. i will see my students and recenter my life. but i just feel farfarfar from Him. far and alone and disheartened and tired. 

[grwangtang]

Remember the former things, those of long ago; I am God, and there is no other; I am God, and there is none like me. I make known the end from the beginning, from ancient times, what is still to come. I say, ‘My purpose will stand, and I will do all that I please.

Isaiah 46:9-10 NIV (via gracefaithworks)

[grwangtang]

cambridge coffee shops--

sitting in this coffee shop in this city that i have quietly come to claim as mine, and so conscious of how this morning i did not come to near to Him because i had to or felt obligated to or had the need to or in search of some answer or to meet some need because of some crisis crashing down upon me-- today i drew near simply because i missed Him.  i just had this morning where i woke up and i was like, “wow, God. i miss You. i miss how good of a listener You are, yes. i miss what peace you bring, yes. i miss the feeling of eternity and the quietness around You and the power of Your presence, etc. etc. etc.... but more than all of that, Lord, i just miss You.” so i walked to church at jenny’s and listened to music, prayed on and off when i remembered to on the way there, in the grey summer cool of june in boston. sang songs with jenny and co., with no complications or real considerations or thoughts--which is HUGE thing, btw. then headed into one of cambridge’s plethora of coffeeshops, bought an iced coffee and some small sandwich, read a book on Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. listened to some more music. breathed and read and wrote and was. i just was close to Him. 

it’s been a while since that’s happened. but today was good. sweet. full of meaning, full of gentle love and grace and peace. 

nothing has been decided. i have not moved forward in any practical or tangible way. nothing external has changed--it’s not like i had a big revelation or leading of what i’m supposed to do next year, it’s not like i suddenly had housing drop into my lap. all i had was a morning with my Lord and my Savior, my God and my Friend.  and for right now, that’s enough.  give me Jesus, give me Jesus-- you can have all this world (you can have all this world, you can have all this world) just give me Jesus.