gsjdoagwiabdiwiq - Tumblr blog

gsjdoagwiabdiwiq · 4 years

Text

ugh not to be fucked on main [lol this is the furthest thing from main] but like i dont understand attraction. ive been alive for almost 24 years and i dont know why people are attracted to others or how they define it or what they mean. as well as my own attraction. and it seems like everybody out there knows this shit already. and it’s like in school everyone figured it out and i guess i did not. i dont know if what i identified as a crush was a crush or not. i dont know anything and i hate not knowing anything. because if i dont know it i can’t name it. and i would like to be able to name it. but how do you name it if you've never tried it? and like am i just too emotionally stunted to understand like emotional relationships? so then fast forward a year to my moving to ohio and i just dont even know bc i went to orientation and like there was this girl and i just could suddenly picture like dating her and i dont know why bc i generally like didnt hang around dateable men [ie taken or gay] or just like holding hands or whatever which is weird and she came over to talk to me first bc i was what? eating alone. and the first thing i noticed was her eyes looked like rami maleks who i was like presently a little obsessed with as i had just seen borhap. and like it would like make so much sense you know if the reason i didnt date or get asked out or that i only hooked up in dark drunk places was bc i wasnt actually interested in men. but like what the fuck is attraction bc i dont understand it. what makes u attracted to one gender or sex over the other. why does it matter. is it because you like having some things stunk in you but not others? is it bc you like certain extremities but not others? at what point does it matter? is that the main point of attraction is what sex feature you have? and why is that ? is it bc of what society has ingrained in us? like what’s the difference between kissing a clean shaven man and a small chested woman? i dont know . that’s like kind of the whole point of this. and the other thing is that like if i am attracted to men which what does that even mean? and women, why haven't i been in a relationship or been talking with someone? and if i am not attracted to men, what does that mean? like was it all bc of society? and then like if i am just attracted to women, and i dont know that i am, which is what i do not appreciate. why is it still a mystery?? like everyone figures their shit out in high school. but not me. not me. and if i am attracted to women, what does that even look like? what kinds of attraction have i missed bc i just ignored it? and then people talk about crushes and shit and how you’re suppose to get nervous around people you like but that never really happened to me so again what the fuck is wrong with me? and like maybe it’s just the gay people that i know that are like just very expressive- ie theatre, drag, etc that there is like a more subtle way of being that i just have not ever seen before. and the thing is i dont know. i look at the check lists of what makes you gay or bi and i check off a good amount always. but like this is the one thing in like that is just you are the only one who can say what’s what. you can't take a test no one can point and say yes or no or whatever. and it’s really fucking annoying bc all i want is to know aht i am. but i focused on school in school and i didnt talk about boys or anything with my main friend group. cut to today when one is engaged, one is a lesbian and in a relationship, and the last one is in a relationship as well. and here i am, me, where i have never been in a relationship, the last time i saw people from my hometown i refused to admit that i even drank bc we were still underage and it’s just like . i dont know. ive always been either closed off with people i know or very open. and i just want to know. like how do people just know this and understand their attraction??? i am very confused.

like my history goes like this: nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing my best friend of 11 years moves away and my other friend asks me in 4th grade who i have a crush on and i said i didnt bc i had never thought about it i just happened to miss my best friend who moved across the country a lot. and so she assumed it was him and i sort of agreed and i still dont really understand that whole premise. and then in the 7th grade i guess i was flirting with this kid in my chorus class who happened to be popular and i just thought it was cool bc he was popular but idk. anyways he asks me to the dance and without thinking about it i say no. and i dont know why. i later chalked it up to if i liked someone and was public about that i wouldn't be seen as serious about school granted i hadn't even gotten my period yet so whatever. anyways i guess around the same time this new kid moved to town and he was like a pit of a nerd but like a cool nerd very suave and stuff and i was like he seems attainable at least i think that’s what i thought . and we were in a lot of the same classes thought hs and we lived like a cauldesac away from each other but im pretty sure he never liked me at least not like that. and then he asked my friend and i if we would be cool if he asked our other friend to prom of course bc i dont talk about this shit i say yes . and then you know whatever they go. senior year he asks another friend to prom and the two biggest nerds in school ask my other two friends [including the one he went with the previous year] and one of them says yes. and maybe it was bc i didnt take ap physics but like even after one got rejected i wasn't asked. not that i would have wanted to go but at that point it’s like wow no one really sees you as anything outside of school. and so cut to college when i had never done anything wrong -drank drugs ect or done anything intimate with anyone. i didnt even [still dont] really like hugs [well i reserve them for a very small very very small number of people. affection and attraction have always been very odd for me. but i go to college and first semester i dontdrink bc its against the law. but spring semester i do and i go to parties. and i think that even though i was living in the honors dorm i had some pretty cool friends. and so heck were starting fresh and ive told them all of it more or less. but anyways. ive decided that i need to kiss a boy. and so i think i chickened out a few times. but in march i finally made out with some rando from another school named chris. and it was fine. i think it was cool to be so close to another person and all that and i think i enjoyed. or something bc that became the goal everytime i went out to a frat type place. and i did. well enough times that i got mono during finals week so that was really fun. and i wasnt ready to have sex until the summer before jr year. and i finally again met a rando at a party and i dont know why people want me. like am i skinny enough that my personality doesn't matter or is it that when i get drunk im cool enough that my uggo face doesn't matter. or is it dark enough that just me being open to it matters. so we go to my apartment and fuck and it’s fine. right like i think it here maybe but it wasnt bad. it wasnt life changing or anything. but like it really wasnt bad. so i guess you could call me easy or a hoe. i dont really care about that stuff. like i will hoe around if i want to hoe around. but then there were these three guys who like i actually kind of knew. one of them was soph yr when i attempted a blowjob but either he was not getting it up or i was so bad or it was too small i dont know. either way that didnt work. but we had actually hooked up and by hooked up i mean made out once before.then there was this kid who i swiped on on tumblr who i knew was from my law class but i dont think he ever found out who i was and i may have stalked him a little bit from my job at the bookstore to find out more about him. but it was mostly let me try to hook up with not a total rando. and the fist time was fine except for me leaving when all his roommates/friends watched me leave. and we had like been snapping which i still dont really understand. but the second time i went over he was like u should stay over but it was st patty day eve and u know how that is. but i was like fine bc i had been declining bc i was busy before. anyways he didnt have a condom but me being responsible did. except then he couldn't uh ‘get it up’ which is just really annoying but i dont know why it was. if it was the condom issue or my small titties or what. and then there was my friends roommate. who we had chatted for a little while and then it died and then he chatted me up in the summer and there were some transit issues him being outside the city and me not driving or understanding the parking at my apt. but anyways. we made out for a while and then he fingered me which i still dont idk. but like then he was like do you want to have sex and i was all i dont care what do you want and it was very that so in the end i was just like lets do it. bc at that point i thought you were just supposed to do it all in a hook up and maybe im a slut i dont care. but either way. again if it was my small kitties or my insistence on a condom or that weird back and forth he also just like couldn't do it. so i think that was the last time i made out with someone. i did go on one date but that just uh was a bust. maybe bc im bad at it.

0 notes