guardiebird - Tumblr blog

[guardiebird]

Hobbits are SO judgy and nosy but I don't think they're homophobic I think they'd find some random other thing to be like "those people are odd over there" about

[guardiebird]

Okay look. Stephanie Meyer contributed four (4) cool things to the contemporary fantasy genre, which I shall now list here in the hopes of getting it out of my system. In descending order of importance:

1. Writing a story about a girl who wants something. Plot driven by a woman’s (non-vilified) desire. Truly dreadful execution but still a good idea, sort of a literary incarnation of the “he a little confused but he got the spirit” meme.

2. The fact that when Bella becomes a vampire she can still breathe but “there’s no relief tied to the action” which I remember verbatim because it fucking slapped. The idea of human physical sensations being partially defined by our mortality and the sensations still exist after you become undead but your experience of them is fundamentally different because you no longer need any of it? Extremely cool. The closest Meyer came to taking an interesting stance on vampires being dead.

3. Werewolves are immortal but they can literally stop whenever they want. That shit’s hilarious. Curse of immortality who.

4. The fact that vampires don’t sleep or get tired so their communally-raised baby doesn’t have a crib because she is always in someone’s arms. That was extremely cute and there’s a different, better book contained somewhere in that specific concept.

[guardiebird]

okay so we all know jaskier is kind of like a slut the biggest flirt the continent has ever seen right? most of the time he flirts he isnt even trying to sleep with the person (which tells you how much he flirts because he sleeps around a lot) he just flirts with literally every breathing being because it brings smiles to people’s faces (most of the time).  and hes been doing it for so long it just comes to him naturally, he doesnt even intend to. 

even if he isnt saying anything flirtatious, hes always wearing this charming smile and his eyes. god. its just a fucking default at this point and people swoon easily so. even when he starts dating geralt, the absolute love of his life, that impact that he has doesnt even go away.

and geralt notices, alright? he fucking sees it. and at first he just found it funny, people falling all over his bard like they have a chance when jaskier only has eyes for him (and like he isnt keeping jaskier thoroughly satisfied). it was amusing, entertaining. but then a couple months in it just became absolutely ridiculous

because at this point jaskier is BLATANTLY WRITING SONGS ABOUT THEIR RELATIONSHIP AND HOW IN LOVE HE IS WHY THE FUCK ARE PEOPLE STILL FLIRTING WITH HIM?!!?!?!?!? IN GERALTS FACE?!?!??!?!! AFTER HE SINGS THOSE FUCKING SONGS TO TAVERNS FULL OF PEOPLE????????

so yes. geralt gets irritated. very much so.

which leads to him acting out, just a tad bit petty

like him and jaskier would be at a tavern sitting and talking to someone (jaskier would be talking, geralt would just be there because jaskier’s there) and maybe that someone would get that little suggestive tone in their voice and geralt would just take jaskier’s hand and start kissing each of his knuckles. and jaskier’s attention goes to him immediately, which leaves the stranger grumpily walking off with geralt feeling very smug

then theres that time where a barmaid starts casually stroking jaskier’s arm while they speak. and jaskier, bless his soul, thinks this is completely normal behavior and doesnt seem to mind a bit. well geralt minds and so he walks right over to them and pulls jaskier into his side, smiling sweetly at the barmaid as he asks so what were you guys talking about? and jaskier actually starts telling geralt what they were talking about while the barmaid glares daggers at the witcher the entire time

and geralt just keeps doing these things. because listen, he trusts jaskier, okay? and he knows he has no reason to feel threatened by some horny humans when jaskier is so painfully in love with him but its the principle of the thing, okay? these people will learn to respect their relationship. geralt and jaskier have worked too hard for them to try and act like it doesnt exist, especially when jaskier’s most recent ballad ode to my witcher’s bum has gone the continent version of viral.

and so he keeps doing these things, and it continues to work like a charm.

[guardiebird]

@Nestlé

[guardiebird]

i love eating outside the door to the dining hall because i hear just like. 3 lines of people's conversations

[guardiebird]

🧵

[guardiebird]

Geralt: Ugh this annoying stupid bard insists on following me around. He endangers himself for silly songs and the never fucking listens to me

*Geralt brings Jaskier to Kaer Morhen*

Eskel and Lambert:

[guardiebird]

The myth of Achilles, but instead of holding him by the heel, Thetis sumberges him fully so that Achilles is completely invulnerable and Thetis has one invulnerable hand.

[guardiebird]

There’s a serial killer in your town. Unfortunately for them you are a necromancer and you have fun driving that maniac insane.

[guardiebird]

dude stop telling me to count dracula I only ever see the one

[guardiebird]

Not to critique evolution, but I would think orange and black stripes wouldn’t be as good for camouflage in a forest as, say, green and black would.

[guardiebird]

I believe that if Harley Quinn was on roller skates and Batman had to apprehend her, he would simply level the playing field and chase her on skates too. I trust him to be a man of equality in this regard

[guardiebird]

I remember first learning that you can cry from any emotion, that emotions are chemical levels in your brain and your body is constantly trying to maintain equilibrium. so if one emotion sky rockets, that chemical becomes flagged and signals the tear duct to open as an exit to release that emotion packaged neatly within a tear. Everything made sense after learning that. That sudden stability of your emotions after crying. How crying is often accompanied by the inability to feel any other emotion in that precise moment. And it is especially beautiful knowing that it is even possible to experience so much beauty or love or happiness that your body literally can’t hold on to all of it. So what I’ve learned is that crying signifies that you are feeling as much as humanely possible and that is living to the fullest extent. So keep feeling and cry often and as much as needed

[guardiebird]

Un gritón de megapiseles

[guardiebird]

idea: scene with two characters eagerly stripping each other clearly about to bone, but they keep getting interrupted by finding carefully concealed weapons in each other’s clothing, so they keep just unholstering, revealing and unstrapping increasingly ludicrous amounts of hidden guns and knives as the clothes come off, and it’s lowkey killing the mood a little

[guardiebird]

me: *showing vacation pics* and this is from where we went t- 

 guy who plays geoguessr for 14 hours a day: I know.

[guardiebird]

happy krimis