guiisooooo-blog

[guiisooooo-blog]

Love in 15 years

This is all true btw and all names remain anonymous. Love can erupt anywhere, anytime, and with anyone. My love started at the young age of 5. My first taste of love started when we talked in the same class. We started as friends, but i felt something different compared to my other guy friends. It was a feeling like no other. My heart would tremble and fall at her knees. I remember wanting to have her as mine and mourning for her to be with me, but the standards of my fellow classmates and society turned against me. They would forced me to play with them instead of letting me be with her. My bottled up emotions and frustration were taken out onto another girl and I ended up doing something i would regret for years to come. So much so that I would regret saying it even now. Fast forward to first grade and I had to transfer schools. The same girl from kindergarten had come to the same class. I knew it was destiny and I had to take action. This time I took part in the wrong crowd to try and impress her. I changed my look. I started to wear jordans and picked fights. All this did was leave the girl I wanted to impress with a disgusted look and and left a bad taste with her. I was devastated. Time passes and I continued with my look. With my ruined educational reputation, I took a test to transfer into the GT program. I easily passed and took the opportunity. A restart; something to get me out from the old. I needed this. 4th grade and I was in the new program. This was the time when childhood happiness was taken away from me. My mother was away for surgery and the intense workload on my lazy self had me in despair. I wasn't interested in anything and almost never went outside anymore. I hear the doorbell ring. It was my was one of my friends from the 2nd grade. He asked if I wanted to come over and hang out with another person. I jumped on the idea not having gone out in a while. Little did I know I would come to regret this decision. I came to his house with his other friend who lived close by and we played around in his basement. Most of my audience should be aware of what happens in the basement, but my 10 year old self didn’t know. My friend suggest we play a horror game with the lights off, and that is where it started to head south. It was a game similar to hide and seek, but in a small pitch dark room. We would try and find each other and make them afraid. The 3rd round in I started in my corner spot and the lights turned off. Nothing was different than the other rounds. I felt my way around things when suddenly one of my friends jumped on top of me and pulled his trousers down. He dragged himself, lewd and predatory, onto my face. The other friend saw this action and proceeded to do the same to join in on the fun. I was violated and never looked at another male the same way. I dragged myself through the rest of elementary school and went onto a new part of my life; middle school. 6th grade started and the same I noticed the same girl from kindergarten. The same girl I wanted to have. She was like an addiction that I couldn’t get away from. I idolized her in every way, in a similar fashion to a crazy fan. And in the same way as a crazy fan , I physically distanced myself from her and then somewhere along the way, emotionally as well. Looking back it was a simple infatuation. Something I saw as destiny and something I thought I was entitled to was boiled down to lust. Summer after 6th grade my mother started working and didn’t want me left alone so she signed me up for a summer camp. I resisted this idea but reluctantly ended up going. I met someone there. A girl to be more accurate. She was cute, talented, and shared similar tastes to mine. A “perfect” girl. She ended up confessing to me on the gym bleachers nearing the end of camp. I was surprised and didn’t know what to do. I tried to stay oblivious, but some of my feelings would seep through. It was the last day of camp and I mustered the courage to do something. I heartbroken to learn that she had moved away. It was even more painful that she would have gone to the same school as me. In the end I would have to same regrets as most; not doing enough. During the 7th grade, my interest in girls reached a peak. One girl took advantage of me. There was a party over the summer and she cuddled up next to me on the couch. The same day she confessed to me over text. I agreed because of the peak of my interest, but the relationship quickly ended because the agreement was on a whim. 8th grade and I met this girl through my friends. I didn’t know she went to my school because we had no classes together. We started texting over skype when I asked her how to be “cool”. We kept on messaging each other and the conversation would drag on to longer than I would usually stay awake. We would also start conversing during lunch time. While we were playing league My friends started to talk about who this girl liked. I myself got curious and I said I would stay up 48 hours to hear who she liked. Hour one started and I kept her updated throughout the entire 2 day I remember I said something she let me guess at who she liked twice before it started and I guess some random asian guy and them one of my friends I played league with. Both were wrong. I remember saying something during the first half completely oblivious to her feelings towards me. She asked me why I was staying up to find out who she liked and I told her “I was going to make a joke about liking her but stop myself”. It makes me sad that someone could be that oblivious. I would anticipate her texts. She was my salvation from loneliness and I longed for her. After texting for so long I imagine it was natural that i developed feelings, but I didn’t know what I felt. Was it love, competition, or nothing more than pure friendship? She left me in a confused state and I left me wanting more and more from her. We kept talking and talking during the whole experience. I recall catching a cold and she let me take 2 hours off. I offered her a couple IOU’s that she still hasn't spent yet. I finished the challenge and I slept for the next couple hours. After Waking up after my deep slumber one of my league friends tried to convince me that she liked me. I disregarded that fact. Holy shit I was oblivious. A couple hours later I found out the truth. My friend was right. The text hit me right in the heart; “its u”. I was breath taken and didn’t know what to respond with. I regret responding with something as disgusting as “nice 1”. Later I would ask her if she wanted to pursue a relationship with me when the underlying truth was I wanted to start one with her. She agreed and an awkward mess would be born from it. We would continue texting and interacting as if nothing happened. A couple days later I asked her why she liked me. This message would stay with me for the duration of our relationship.”so i like u because i think ur sweet and funny and i like ur personality and i think ur cute” I finally started something and I didn’t want to fuck it up. I played it safe and let her do what I thought she wanted, but I should have done more. I wanted to do more. I was immature and when I looked at other couples I became jealous. After summer started we haven't gone a single date and I described it as “engaged in a romantic relationship” instead of “dating”. This description can describe why I broke up with her. I thought that I couldn’t get anywhere from the point that we were at right now. My immaturity lead to me calling it more of a break than a break up. 9th grade started and I was forced to see the girl that I had broke up with. We exchanged mediocre small talk and shallow facial expressions. I avoided her for awhile until my emotions erupted. I asked if she hated me. She said that she didn’t but I wasn’t so sure. She explained that it was a misunderstanding and she thought that it was what I wanted. The misunderstanding was cleared to a degree and we continued onward with a more friendly relationship. The same confusing feelings started to bubble up to a steam. Christmas was approaching and I had to find a gift for one of my friends.She lived near the store so I decided to bring her a coffee with my friend after I had finished shopping. It was a caramel macchiato;sweet and warming. I stayed at her house for a bit and played some games, but whenever I looked at her I would feel my heart would get excited and I wanted keep my eyes locked onto her. Valentines day was approaching and I had my chance to prove my worth. She agreed to go on a date with me after a bit of pleading. The day arrived and I bought a box of donuts to start a conversation. She declined however. I assumed she already had a few. No words were said afterwards. The bus ride there I didn’t even sit next to her. A couple friends were there with us which made the experience even more awkward than it would have been. The date just consisted of us getting frozen yogurt and talking. It ended with her walking across the street into a different space. A space unreachable by me. I thought I had grown, but it turns out I was the same as before; an immature little boy. I was disappointed in myself and I didn’t want to continue the pursuit because I now knew the truth. I simply wasn’t ready. March came along and the girl I used to want started dating someone else. One of my best friends no less. It left me with a sour and jealous taste in my mouth, but it taught me a valuable lesson. Don’t be a little bitch.