guiltyaseva

[guiltyaseva]

June 8th 2025

Aaand... I ruined it.

Well, that was quick.

Never got to go for the 2nd date after all...

Why oh why do I push people away when they get too close?

I mean I know why but still. Why.

Why do I insist on sabotaging my own life over and over and over again when life keeps giving me chances... Fuck.

I mean there are probably many reasons why this wouldn't have worked anyway.

But to throw it away before even trying...

Well, at least we're cool, sort of... i think. Or at least he seemed so when we were chatting about it.

Oh well. We cry, we move, we keep on rockin... Lol if only it was that easy.

If only I didn't get attached to people like a stupid little bitch.

If only I wasn't worried about him cause he disappeared on me like 9 hours ago and wasn't online ever since...

If only I had a normal brain.

...

[guiltyaseva]

April 27th 2025

It's 00:14 and i'm in my bed with pain all over my body. My head is about to explode because I didn't have coffee today, i mean yesterday.

I walked 20k steps and it almost killed me to be honest.

But guess what? It was a good day. And a good date... Oh yes, did I forget to mention? I went out with the young guy from the last post. Yes, it's not a joke.

My life is fuckin crazy like this sometimes.

And damn. I had fun. Even though it was a bit awkward at times and even though I didn't get half the things he said because of his fokin accent innit 😂😂😂

But I had a good time.

Oh and I kissed him. So there is that. 🤭

Aaand tonight we're working together. Along with the guy that he talked about me with... Uh oh. Gonna be interesting.

I also kind of agreed to a second date...? What am I doing...

Let's see how long before I ruin it. Tic toc or whatever.

✌🏻

[guiltyaseva]

March 30th 2025

Oh boy. Here we go again.

I think I like a guy again.

But the problem is, he's waaay younger than me. I feel like I'm no better than men liking young women.

But I mean the age gap is not THAT bad. It could be worse, you know.

Let's just put it this way: When I started working in this circus, he was 11 years old. Oh god, now I made it sound bad.

But it isn't. I think. I don't know. He's not even that cute. But he kinda is. Lord help me.

My boss who? Pfft... I'm all about a man a man a m a a a a an... (in his early 20s oops)

Okay, I don't know what's the purpose of this post, I guess I just haven't posted in a long time and wanted to do so.

Other than that, nothing has changed.

But this is already a big change i guess. Because when I like someone, I don't just like them. I get obsessed like a dumbass.

So this is going to get interesting really quick probably. Not necessarily good interesting, ugh.

But god, did I mention how tall and strong he isss? And young. My hormones are all over the place. Am I a cougar? I'm just a 32 (almost 33) year old teenager.

Okay, i'm out of here.

[guiltyaseva]

February 8th 2025

Catching Fire is now.

Also known as trying not to lose my shit when I have to work with annoying or just simply stupid people...

But that was last week or two weeks ago.

This week was actually good. Almost like old times. Working with him, just on a different line. Calm and relaxed. The way it should be.

And also... fu#%*&€ horny 🤪🤭

Today I finally found out that my love language is definitely words of affirmation...

And that is probably the main reason why I simp over him so much (other than him being super sweet and hilarious of course).

When he tells me things like "good job" or any other things like that, my heart skips a beat. No joke.

I don't want to know what kind of beast would come into me if he called me a good girl.

Oh. My. God....

I need to stop, i'm acting like a horny teenager. God damn it, get a grip Eva.

I need a holiday, for many reasons, but this is another one. To take a little break from him. Even though I REALLY don't want that. But it's a need at this point, I guess.

Thankfully one more week and i'll get that.

[guiltyaseva]

[guiltyaseva]

photographer: anna shvets

[guiltyaseva]

sorry i overreacted i had no idea everything would be fine

[guiltyaseva]

yes communication is important, but being in a situation where you constantly have to over-communicate every single thing in order to get listened and tended to is draining and kills romance. a huge part of intimacy and connection is feeling seen and understood by the other person – them being attuned to your needs, feelings, desires, and knowing who you are as a person on a deeper level, is a sign of love. being with someone who is thoughtless and inconsiderate and constantly has to have everything spelled out to them, will leave you feeling invisible and unloved. yes people aren’t mind readers and its good to talk about stuff but someone who just doesn’t think of you or understand basic things that would make you happy, isn’t a good partner.

[guiltyaseva]

[guiltyaseva]

January 18th 2025

New year, new me huh?

This January was supposed to be different. This January was supposed to be better.

And it started pretty good actually. I finally resurected my treadmill and started using it daily. I also finally started taking more care of my skin and teeth, which for some people may be a normal thing to do but not for my depressed ass.

Anyway. The first week and a half were good.

But then, boom!

Crisis at work.

Long story short, we've lost 1/3 of the staff due to lack of work on night shift.

And I feel so strange. It's like I won the Hunger Games (for now) but at what cost?

I've worked for long years with some of them. They had become a huge part of my life, wether I liked them or not.

I know, for most people, work is just work.

But guess what? Not for this overattached bitch. Sigh.

I'm happy I'm still working, I'm happy my fave boss is still working (I honestly couldn't do it without him) but who knows what happens next...

It's going to be so weird and different now.

I'm sad. I need a hug. Preferably from him, but it's not Christmas anymore. :(

Stay tuned for Catching Fire I guess...

[guiltyaseva]

𝖲𝗇𝗈𝗐 𝖼𝖺𝗍𝗌 ❄️

𝗑 - ��� / 𝗑 - 𝗑 / 𝗑 - 𝗑

[guiltyaseva]

Safia Elhillo, from Alone, Home Is Not a Country

[guiltyaseva]

December 17th 2024

I've met up with my ex again yesterday.

I do that once or twice a year and nobody knows about it. Or mostly nobody.

It's not like it's some kind of top secret, it's just shame I guess.

Because he did me so dirty all those years ago. But here I am, casually meeting him.

It's not like I still have feelings for him either, cause trust me, I don't.

It's just that he's a familiar face. And I am lonely. And he won't admit it, but he's lonely too I guess.

We don't do anything sexual.

Most of the times.

He does want to. So bad.

I don't want to. Very much so.

Sometimes i give in, but mostly i don't.

Anyway the point of this post is that I've met up with him yesterday and we went on a random train trip and let me tell you...

It was such a nice day for once.

And I can't really say that anywhere else so i'm saying it here.

I had a nice and innocent day with my shitty but funny ex. So here's that...

[guiltyaseva]

[guiltyaseva]

November 30th 2024

Is it possible to be genuinely happy for a person you care about when you see their happiness with other people but also at the same time to be a little bit hurt and jealous?

Cause I know I'm never gonna get this happiness due to me being a broken goods that can't really be repaired anymore...

But still, I'm truly happy for him because he deserves the world. Sometimes I just wish I could be a part of that world.

It's okay though, I made peace with the fact that I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. Doesn't mean it can't hurt sometimes though.

It's just a weird feeling, when I see his smile in the pictures. Cause it's like, my whole body is so happy for him, but then there's a little part at the bottom of my heart that's trying to escape and scream.

I don't know.

Days off work are just too tough on my mind I guess...

[guiltyaseva]

[guiltyaseva]

November 29th 2024

I'm not in a good place mentally.

Am I ever though...?

Thinking about last night's shift and the cute little moments between me and my boss because it's helping me getting through the day.

Am I crazy? Maybe. But you gotta do what you gotta do.

Am I in love with my boss, you might ask?

I honestly don't know. I don't think I have ever truly been in love with anyone to be honest. All I've ever felt for someone is this crazy stupid infatuation/obsession kind of thing. I guess. I'm not sure though...

But he's funny and sweet and we do have some kind of connection, I think.

And I truly can't imagine work without him at this point. I am attached and that's not good for sure.

Anyway he's married and has a son so there's also that.

But it is what it is.

Welcome to my messy, chaotic, depressing life.

And I haven't even started yet...