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28 octobre

Départ pour Naples ce soir.

This is not emptiness. It's the feeling of becoming my own person. A person beyond you.

Of slowly making good friends here, more intimate connections. Seeing Coralie will be so soothing.

I am constantly cold here. I don't feel as beautiful as I have in the past, and yet I have never been treated this well. It's a mix of confidence and happiness, I think.

It seems that Paris, for years to come, many more than simply three, will be my new home.

North American life was never suited for me. Montreal, of course I miss and will miss you, but I can't withstand the immobility, and all the ways in which you are losing yourself.

This isn't emptiness. Perhaps just a feeling of loss. Of mourning. I never felt like I had a home, but here it seems possible. It seems that I can have a home here. Because I've never felt so understood, and in sync with my surroundings.

Les gens ne se sont jamais mis d'accord pour me donner un visage. The principle of beauty is that it is fleeting. I need to get back to work, focus, and routine. Today is my 2-month anniversary in Paris.

As soon as I get back from Naples, I know things will calm down, and that I will return to a calmer pace : exactly what I want. I know that I am able to finish my projects well, and get back to a reading and running routine.

I trust myself, more than I ever have.

I am happy, happier than I ever have been.

And I am easy to love, and I love so easily, like I never have before.

Most of all, I am free.

I have waited my whole life for this freedom. I have worked so hard for it. It belongs to me now.

It is me.

And the rain will keep falling.

I am so comfortable and at peace within. I feel so serene. Because I know that I am my own strength, that my tranquility is my strength, that what makes me me is precisely what has carried me and will carry me, give me the vitality and blessing of creation. I trust myself. I know that my reality is merely a reflection of my mind, that my actions create it, and that life moves in cycles.

Par-dessus tout, ne rien forcer.

Ne rien forcer. Cultiver la patience. Ne pas oublier d'aimer.

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July 6, 2022

I've been crying so, so, so much these days. Seeing Yang get married, family I hadn't seen in years, my dad dance like he's never danced before, and my mom beam with pride made my emotions burst. It made me realize just how beautiful and worthy life is when you get to spend it with people you love.

In two weeks, I'll leave home; it's starting to sink in. It feels like the whole world is opening up before my eyes. With every new encounter, every new place, I can feel my younger self's melancholic fatalism drift away, to be replaced with excitement and wonder for the future. I can't write or read anything these days, apart from these diary entries. Jhave once told me that a lot of us turn to writing because we crave love. Now that I've learned to receive and give it to others, the words just don't come to me anymore. I say this every few months - but it feels real now, when I write it down here - it feels like I can separate my past from who I am now, not let the hurt define me like it used to; it feels like I can truly feel things again.

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June 29, 2022

It's been years. Every few months, I'm able to recognize, gather and realize more and more things about that experience, see it for what is was, let go of my extreme anger and replace it with contempt.

I think what hurt the most about it all was how I was duped into believing I was loved, when I was really just another doll, another trophy, another object to use and discard. All my life I had been shown, or told, that I wasn't worthy of being seen as a human - that I was lesser than - that the yellowness of my skin and the shape of my eyes reduced me to nothing more than a speck of dust - until I became a teen, and men much older than me noticed my blatant lack of self-esteem, how easy it would be to target me. It was the first time I felt seen, the first time I felt accepted. I truly believed that what I was feeling was love for another person, and I thought that I was receiving the same affection, the same respect. It hurts to remember everything - to live with these memories. To know that all of our stories resemble each other's. To reveal ourselves knowing that it will put our safety in jeopardy, because those who hurt us didn't stop after us, didn't face any consequences - they just found another person to target, and went on with their lives.

Patience and kindness towards myself, which I've been cultivating overtime, have been the greatest tools in rebuilding the person I lost through these years of violence and aggression. These days I've been feeling much more grateful for those obstacles, because it means that my life has only gotten better over time. I can't say that I've healed - not even on my deathbed. But I can say that I've gotten so much better, and that I'm incredibly lucky.

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June 28, 2022

This is the first day since the start of 2022 that I feel like I can feel things again, that I've found my enthusiasm and joy for life again. I cleaned up my room, started working again, reformatted and sent my manuscript, and this afternoon I'll go get a haircut - the first one since that horrible experience in December, during which the man cut it as short as it is on this picture - 2 inches shorter than what I asked for. It's hair, it's hair, I know, but it really sent me down a spiral at the time. I couldn't hide behind it anymore, I couldn't shield myself behind a veil of "femininity" anymore. You can kind of see how unsure and beat down I feel on this picture.

The severe eczema on my legs is also healing thanks to a vaseline-like cream I got at the store. I also spent the past weekend camping, and I think the greenery, the calm, the slow pace, all that, helped me "reset" mentally and physically. Yang is getting married this week, so all of my energy will be channelled towards her and her fiancé. Then, I will go to Toronto, and go to all the places I love about this city. Maybe that way, the bad memories can be replaced with the new ones we'll create. I'm also finally starting therapy in a few weeks, with a woman who specializes in...basically everything that's been causing me pain.

Otherwise, I've been letting go of a lot of obligations (within reason), and only saying yes to projects that enliven me, that I truly want to work on. Things are looking up. They get better each year, they really do. No poetry today. Just a feel-good update. See you.

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June 21, 2022

Things have been feeling very bleak. I can't focus on anything these days. I can't bring myself to finish the simplest tasks. Replying to a single email sends me in an anxious spiral. I keep resting and resting, but when will I be able to feel like myself again? I can't read, I can barely write. I finally got a publishing deal, my dream since I was 7 years old, but I can barely get motivated to reformat the manuscript.

It hurts to remember everything. Maybe this is really a sign that I have to slow down, stop, even, and go back to a quiet life.

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I will love this forest forever. The deers still say hi from time to time. I don't have time to lay down in the grass there anymore though.

can we take a second to acknowledge the fact that nature is art? like man it makes you feel so tiny and at peace, I laid down the other day in the grass and felt like the universe was off my shoulders for a second.

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Ok... embarrassing, but I also have to say that Tumblr was the only place in the world that embraced my ethnic features BEFORE being Asian suddenly became the coolest and most exotic thing ever. Also, getting thousands of likes and reblogs for your appearance when you're like, 14, is in no way healthy, though tempting, for any teen. I hope the kids on TikTok will be alright, I really do.

Wish I could just forget about my 4827 insecurities and become a cloud instead

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June 17, 2022

One more month until I leave. I've dreamed of this since I was 14 years old, after that trip back to China mama took me on, which completely altered the course of my life. For a very long time, I found it so hard to create and maintain healthy relationships with others. I shut myself off and pushed them away because solitude was so much more comfortable than facing the world. I thought I didn't belong in this body, this place. In-person university gave me everything I ever hoped for and more. I met so many wonderful people who, in a sheer matter of months and even weeks, became my closest friends.

I'm dealing with the sadness of separation, because it feels like I only got to nurture these friendships for a little while before leaving. But I'll be back in the winter and everyone will still be there, I know it. For some who've lived in a bunch of different places at my age, a semester abroad doesn't seem like much, but it's quite daunting to me. Anywho - among the friends I'll miss very much is the one pictured above, Sonya - I'll treasure the memories we made during our year-long Japanese class for a very long time. 13th floor, 11th floor, those tiny desks made for right-handed people, the beautiful big windows in class we'd stare out of when Ikeda sensei explained a difficult concept, the theatrically prodigious skits we put together and performed, gossiping about classmates, etc. Most of all it's the way we connected almost instantly, the long and intimate conversations we had at 688 or 377 about grief, loneliness, being 2nd-gen, and abuse - and also the meals, the hot-pot, the pictures, my rooftop, awkward parties (and fun ones), gossip again, cat videos, and that delicious ramen we ate in Toronto that I still can't forget. As much as I'll enjoy my exchange and make the most out of it, I'm already so excited for when I'll be able to see Sonya 5 times a week again (lol) so we can resume all of this.

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June 9, 2022

I moved in just three months ago, and I'm about to leave this apartment so soon. I don't know if I'm ready, but I don't think I could be even if I tried. Here's my challenge: no forcing myself to read books, no forcing myself to write poems. Just journaling - and most importantly, going outside, meeting people, loving, loving, loving until exhaustion, only for the day to start again. I could spend hours and days overthinking about how I want this experience to unfold - but that would be no use. I can't predict anything. 43 days until I leave Montreal. I've waited for this moment for so long. 4 months and a half away from home aren't that much, in retrospect. But it'll be the first time. Undoing my mind from all of its internalized whiteness - the codes, the behavior, the ways I've learned to conceal my culture and my clumsiness, my blatant lack of belonging.

To this day, I can't tell if my culture is a result of my upbringing at home or my experience as a child and teenager in school. Apparently, there's a term for those like me: "third culture kid". Is it possible for one culture to overtake the other over time? To reclaim my Chineseness despite my accent, the Quebec swears I use when I stub my toe, and my knowledge of obscure French-Canadian cultural figures at the expense of Chinese ones? It hurts to witness how much mama and baba's whole personalities change when they speak to one of their own. With me there's always a bit of tension in the air, a bit of restraint. Do they know that all I've ever done is try to walk back to them?

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I think that's all the material I've been able to track down and reblog. I'm also preparing for my exchange in Singapore, at NUS, during which I hope to keep up the habit of keeping a diary and taking pictures. I took the old Nikon D90 out, the first camera I ever got, which was passed down to me by my older sister. And these were taken last fall with my dad's point-and-shoot, which is so old it doesn't register any year past 2000. It was the semester during which I learned how to love, get out of my head, and have fun.

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Emma jokingly said that I should take pictures of her eating guacamole looking rly fake candid and I took them without knowing they’d turn out this pretty

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Rupi Kaur

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my view on the way home 

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These pictures are so bad and my "fringe" was so bad, but this was a good moment at Mont-Royal with baba.

Bought a new camera lens today. Got a fringe yesterday. Things were so different a year ago.

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Emma is still very much in my life, and we love to reminisce about the "tumblr days".

emma always looks so effortlessly beautiful like ok…. stop

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it was cold when these were taken but that means fall is coming my body is ready

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Ouch. I was struggling intensely with an ED when these were taken. It was kind of weird to get so much validation for my outward appearance when I was actually really, really sick. I'm much healthier now! This is also the post which led me to meet two good friends who are still in my life today, Annie and Alice. They recognized the bridge and the rest came naturally.

Not sure about who I am again. Identity is so hard to define.

8.11.2015