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Abyss

It’s been forever since I’d last written an entry or reposted anything here.

I used to think that it wasn’t so easy to fall into a deep abyss in the living world because that was what people used to tell me (and still have been saying so). I used to think that it was naive of me to think I had expressed some symptoms worthy of my attention because it’s not, in accordance to what people told me as aforementioned. And so I set it aside. Slowly, I kept thinking of this question, “Which is worse? Living or dying first?” The lyrics from Billie Eilish’s ‘You should see me in a Crown’, got me bringing up old feelings I had toward my past and present behaviours. But this wasn’t where I stopped in my tracks and sought help. I left it there.

I began my research on Mental Health disorders. I attended lectures, took on modules, went for talks, watched YouTube, talked to friends experiencing some mental health issues, and spoke to the general community of what they thought of mental health issues. Perhaps it wasn’t convincing enough for me to seek help for I always thought, hey, I come from a great family. I have everything I need. I have everything I want (mostly, because nobody can truly have everything they want anyway). So why should I seek help? Everything was swept under the carpet again. Justifiably.

Then a few triggers hit me all in a span of 3 months, prolonged to 5-6 months.

I felt nothing but physical and psychological pain.

There were days I didn’t want to wake up. Days I wished this was all just a dream. Days that my dreams involved killing me all the time and I felt the physical pain from it. Days I dreamt of my most stressful periods in my life. Days I thought perhaps it’s just another bad day, tomorrow will be better. Days I could not do anything. Moving out of bed sent my heart beating like a person with ADHD jumping around my chest, yet everything moves so slowly on the outside. Days I felt showering, eating, makeup, skincare, talking and moving was a great bother. Days I thought ranting would help. Days I thought being heard would help. Days I hoped my old solutions would benefit my current problems because I encountered similar problems in the past and they always, always, always worked. Days I thought I went crazy. Days I feared I would never return to who I was in the past. Days I went from bawling my eyes out to laughing hysterically. Days where the voices of others, including my... friends and families... flipped every switch in me, yet I remain calm on the surface so nobody would see the war in me. Days I hated myself for the way I was and am. Days I blamed myself for everything I did and did not do right. Days I told myself I couldn’t eat further because I didn’t deserve this. Where would all the energy go to? Just lying in bed. Days I told myself shopping was a chore because I never bought anything right and my fashion sense has been disgusting. I didn’t even have a right to spend other people’s money and here I am, always succumbing to temptation. Days I’ve considered suicide. Days I knew I couldn’t commit suicide, so what if I accidentally died? Days I felt a sense of danger, yet a calm, submissive attitude toward my “possible death sentence”. Days I walked up to my display of knives in the kitchen and held it at my palm, but couldn’t do it in the end because I’m a freaking coward. Days I couldn’t tell anyone, not even the ones or the one I love the most in my heart. Days that everything, myself, and the people I loved, brought me great pain in my heart -- Physical pain. Days I could not bring myself to be around anyone for I was only a great burden. Days I felt I didn’t need anyone’s presence to live, breathe, and eat. Days I prayed to God and hoped this was all just a great phase I would come to overcome, learn from and become a better, stronger person. Days I’d forgotten God as my protector.

But...

Everything has become a dream to me. Sad moments, happy moments, shocking moments, disgusted moments... Everything. I found myself telling myself this, “Is this reality? if it isn’t, I’m saying that God is a liar... Yet, I can’t bring myself to feel... anything, any ... real, genuine joy in anything...”

Still, there was one time in these past 6 months that I felt truly real, a touch of God in that one instance... Which was then severely twisted into something else within the next hour of that feeling.

I guess it’s not meant to be.

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Judging others makes us blind, whereas love is illuminating. By judging others we blind ourselves to our own evil and to the grace which others are just as entitled to as we are.

Dietrich Bonhoeffer, The Cost of Discipleship

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My one and only.

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Christmas 2014

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By concept artist Franklin Chan.

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03.28.16

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