hadjalterdoneanythingwrong - Tumblr blog

[hadjalterdoneanythingwrong]

Take all you want, 'cause I'm devoid of anything. You don't contain no empathy. I'm starved for anything that makes me feel alive. Drain me of every memory. All I wanted... was some faith in me. Now all that I could ask for is for you to fucking let me be. How much farther underwater can I sink? I'll never know. Now I can barely hold on; what I need is strength to let go. All I ever wanted was for you to have some faith in me. Tell me why you can't just let this be.

[hadjalterdoneanythingwrong]

An Open Letter to Those Who Will Never See It

I've had this scheduled for a very special day.

The five year anniversary of what I've called "the dark age" of my life.

Chances are, if you're reading this, I'm long gone already.

This is my final goodbye.

From this blog? From this site? From this Earth? Who knows?

I just needed to get my words out there.

Where do I begin...

To those happy few who actively followed my Servant blogs, thank you for everything.

Your tags and asks were the kindling that kept the fire alive, even in their final moments.

Sorry to say, but if I'm putting all cards on the table, there's one guy in particular that comes to mind above the rest. He probably knows who he is.

I'm sorry I couldn't power through on your support alone, everyone. Vaiśravaṇa knows I wanted to.

...There are going to be names from here on out. I'll put the rest under the cut. I'm baring all of my scars here. Only read if you're ready.

Val.

We never agreed on much, I'll be honest.

You had opinions that I passionately thought the opposite of.

I think you must have felt that.

Even still, your head was the most level out of damn near everyone I met.

I thank you for your patience. Your understanding.

Your words will never be forgotten.

Grace.

How I wished to be closer to you.

All of you.

How I would read all your silly messages and wish I could peer deeper.

I wanted so badly to be friends.

To forge a connection between systems.

I think... I might've even had a crush on one of you at some point.

But still.

Thank you for being here as much as you were.

Ish.

Where do I begin?

You've been so loyal.

The first friend I ever made in this hellscape.

No matter how many storms I've weathered, I consider it such a miracle that I've never lost you.

Not a day goes by where I don't regret not having a better social battery.

Maybe in another life I would have reached out more.

Maybe what we could have had then would be even more special, somehow.

I hope someday you come to understand just how important you are, despite my failure to convey it.

Until that day comes, though...

Eyes up, Guardian.

Mellow.

The truth is that the others... saw things in you.

Things that they feared.

Things that... we feared.

Things that... seemed hateful. Unsafe.

Against the things we stood for.

But no matter what they believed, I always wanted to believe the best in you.

Even now... I still do.

I'm sorry I couldn't reach out to you more.

Jade loved you too much to be strong should we have faced you again.

Viola.

A radiance unmatched.

Your energy, your positivity, your quirks and all were contagious.

I'm sorry we never got to play Monster Hunter together.

It was one of the things I truly wished for most.

Just my luck that it never happened.

HXDAW gang, of which there are many.

Thank you for welcoming me.

Truth be told, when I first started this whole thing... I was scared.

I was terrified.

But you were all so warm.

There is nothing I wouldn't give to have that back now.

Sorry for... making such a mess.

Good thing I'm easy to forget.

...

Jen. Rhyan.

I know you will never see this.

Years have passed.

I still dream of you.

The chance I never got to say a proper goodbye.

You were my best friends.

And I never got to tell you.

Kaitlyn. Brandon.

I'm sorry if I've misspelled either of your names.

It's been too long.

But I'll never forget your faces.

The lights you brought to my life when it was at its second-darkest.

I'll confess I've crushed on both of you at separate points.

I'm sorry you had to put up with my bullshit.

I was probably a creep most of the time you knew me.

But you four...

You were my family when I needed one most.

Please.

Stay in my memories until the end.

I won't forget all that you meant.

...

Faye.

My beautiful, darling Faye.

I never forgot about you.

I could never forget.

I loved you until the end.

You have every right to not believe me.

But I will swear it to the heavens until the moment I expire.

I always loved you.

I always will.

They dragged me kicking and screaming away from you.

But I never told them.

I never told them that sometimes...

I still look up to the moon at night.

And I sing.

For you.

Please keep my voice in your thoughts if you can.

I will always keep yours in mine.

...

Matsuri.

I'm sorry.

I wanted... so badly.

So desperately.

To be your friend.

To be close to you.

To maybe even be besties.

I never had the energy.

I never had the courage.

I could never reach out as much as I wanted to.

And now they've taken you from me.

I worry.

I worry what they've told you.

I worry what my seven-year abuser has filled your head with.

I worry about whether or not you even talk to the others anymore.

I worry that they feel as though I split you all apart.

When all I wanted was to bring you all together.

Please be safe.

Please do what's best for you.

Whatever you truly believe that is.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

...

...

...

Prisms Collective.

Or perhaps I should just call you GUDAGUDA.

It's all that's really left of you, after all.

I've had a lot of time to think about what I would say to you if I ever saw your sorry excuse for a soul again.

Even though I know you would never so much as glance at me ever again.

Even though I know that even if you did, all you would do is laugh.

But I know you now.

Better than you know yourself.

...You killed her.

You killed the girl I loved.

Slowly.

Over time.

But you killed her and I never got to say goodbye.

I never got to tell her I'm sorry for failing to save her.

You are an unhealthy system.

A parasite feeding off of self-harm and refusal to face consequences for your own actions.

It all started with Dusk, didn't it?

And following that was a series of desperate, destructive coping mechanisms that you still can't see through.

No matter how you started...

No matter what followed...

I hope you end with something much worse.

Knowing that you had forsaken the one place you could have called home whenever you fell.

Knowing that the girl who hosted you and now lies rotting forever was the only thing that could have saved you.

Knowing that you will never be the heroes of this story, no matter who you lie to.

And on that day, when the seventh sun finally sets on your miserable little lie of a life,

I hope you remember me.

And I hope that the girl I loved resurfaces, just for a moment.

And I hope that she knows that in the afterlife, someone will have been waiting.

Waiting for decades.

Just to tell her.

"You're not alone."

The maw of the void is already open.

And Ammit cannot wait to finish what you started.

...

Hazel.

I've said all I can to you already.

The rest is up to you now.

Please take care of them all.

Humor a tired soul one last time.

And maybe we'll see each other again someday.

Goodbye.

Goodbye everyone.

And thank you.

For being

the best bet

that I

ever

lost.

[hadjalterdoneanythingwrong]

Jeanne rushed down the hall, making her way to the medical bay.

It had been days since the incident; weeks, even. Every day she came here, praying for things to be better.

And every day, not a single god answered.

"How is she?" She asked, stepping inside without hesitation.

Roman, Da Vinci, Mash, and Merry sat by an occupied bed. Merry's hand clung to the hand of the girl in the bed. None of them gave any response.

"...Well?" Jeanne repeated. "How is she?"

"Jeanne..." Mash whispered. Her voice quivered, as if she herself was on the verge of screaming.

"She can't still be stuck like this. She can't." Jeanne's voice maintained the same volume, but something was still rising deep within it; whether it was panic or fury, no one could tell. "We're Chaldea. There's no way we'd just let her—"

"Jeanne," Roman interjected, "you've known longer than anyone else that she's something beyond us. Whatever happened to her, if it was powerful enough to hurt her—"

"Then we'll hit back even harder as soon as she wakes up!"

The lights flickered and dimmed. The air grew warmer.

"You can't tell me there's nothing we can do, not after everything we've already accomplished! We've come so far, and I'm not about to let some—"

"Jeanne."

Merry's voice was the quietest, yet it cut through the air like nothing else could. Jeanne immediately stopped talking as Merry's eyes went from her lifelong partner to her partner's Servant.

"...Please. Let her rest."

"...Merry..." Jeanne stepped closer. "...you can't tell me... you can't tell me you're content to just sit here. You..."

"I'm not content." Merry's voice cracked. Her eyes flickered with flames, both burning blood red and a somber, dulled blue. "...But I... we don't have a choice."

"Like hell we don't—"

"Jeanne." Steam poured out from Merry's eyes, trailing up to the ceiling. Her tears were burning away before they could escape. "I'm asking you... as someone who loved her just as much as you did—"

"Stop." Jeanne's voice also broke. She got even closer. "Don't... say it like that. You still love her. I still love her. She isn't gone. She isn't gone! She..."

Her eyes gazed down at the girl in the bed.

Her fiery orange hair, pulled into a sidetail with a deep sapphire-blue scrunchie.

Her face, scarred in many places, yet still soft and unbetraying of any age.

Even her hands seemed as soft as they were the day Jeanne met her.

But there was hardly any color left in her skin.

No light left in the soul of her Master.

Deep down she knew.

She knew that Ritsuka Fujimaru was dead.

Her knees hit the floor. The lights flickered and fizzled until every light in the room was out.

The negative energy swarmed around her. Every awful emotion imaginable seeped into her skin.

But there was no roar. No rage.

No hatred.

Everything she absorbed, she bottled up, and it threatened to eat her from the inside.

Hours passed. Not another word was spoken. Most of the others eventually left.

Even Merry felt the need to give Jeanne some time alone.

And alone she was.

Now.

Forever.

All over again.

Slowly she rose, and she went to the bed's other side.

Her hand found Ritsuka's other hand—

—and found something in it.

A box.

Small and velvet.

And as lifeless as her body was, her hand gripped it tightly.

Jeanne made no attempt to pull it out. She simply wrapped her hands around Ritsuka's hand, and pulled it closer.

"...You wouldn't want me to cry." Jeanne whispered. "You always said... that if anything ever got to you, you would want us to find it and hunt it down.

"But I know what killed you... and I don't know if we can even touch it." Her hands gripped tighter, feeling them become warmer. "Your killers... are free. Free of consequence. Free of judgment. And parade their escape like you were the monster all along.

"But... even still, I will not stop fighting. I will not stop fighting. For as long as I breathe, I will carry on the way you would want me to. I will kill. I will kill everything I see.

"I will kill for my love. I will kill for the only true love I ever knew. And I will kill for the endless lifetime of hate before me." Jeanne's eyes closed. "...I love you, Ritsuka. And someday I swear I'll see you again. Even if we have to meet each other cutting through fiends in the deepest depths of Hell."

The hand released the box. It clattered onto the floor, opening up. Jeanne's eyes shot open and gazed down upon it.

Inside was a ring, shimmering like the moon, inlaid with stones that sparkled like the night sky, from Ritsuka to the girl that died before her.

A small note also fell out, and Jeanne reached down and picked it up, slowly unfolding it.

The words were written in a dull red-brown. The note itself smelled like rust.

It read,

"I could never dream anything more than what you've given me."

[hadjalterdoneanythingwrong]

The girl I love is gone.

I would like to think she died in my arms, but I know better.

Even now, the ones who killed her play the victim, yet still find time to play me off like a joke.

They took her life.

They took her body.

They took everything from me.

I wonder if they somehow know what I've been through since they left, laughing about their "escape".

The screams.

The scars.

The hospital visits.

I bet they hope I'd be dead by now.

Just so they don't have to risk losing anything (or anyone) they stole from me.

It doesn't matter.

They'll get their wish soon enough.

I just have a few more things to take care of first.

[hadjalterdoneanythingwrong]

Hey, so, different person here, just wanted to say.

This was not suicide.

This was an attempt on our friend's life.

If she doesn't make it, she was murdered.

I just want everyone to know that.

She was murdered.

She was murdered.

She was murdered.

And the killers will forever walk free like they did nothing wrong.

[hadjalterdoneanythingwrong]

There's no easy way to say this.

I won't get into specifics, but about two days ago, the original owner of this blog attempted to take her own life.

She wanted something posted today. She planned it for weeks. So I'm going to post it.

But after that, it is highly unlikely that either this blog, the Jalter blog, or the personal writing blog will have anything new for the foreseeable future.

I'm sorry.

We, at least on our end, did everything we could.

But it's over.

[hadjalterdoneanythingwrong]

A low crack. A soft hiss.

Ritsuka Fujimaru sat on a metaphysical porch, bringing her drink up to her lips. Out in the metaphorical yard, she watched other Masters of Chaldea.

They did not know she was watching them.

They rolled, they rolled, and they rolled some more, all in vain attempts to bring home their favorite characters.

One Master got Musashi twice in a single pull. The others screamed and demanded her luck.

Another spent all he had, but never got Lakshmibai. The rest of them crowded around and offered condolences before he pulled out his credit card and began to roll again.

Yet another Master pulled just a few times, until they got Katō Danzō. They made no scene. No noise escaped their lips. They breathed in deeply, held their new Servant tightly, and led her away from the group without saying a word to the others... but the greed in their eyes betrayed their true desire.

"Real shitshow, ain't it?"

Ritsuka looked over as Jeanne Alter joined her on the porch.

According to the game, she wasn't NP5.

Her skills were far from completely leveled.

But she was grailed all the way.

Ritsuka smiled at her. "Be nice, Jeanne. You know as well as I do how hard it is to not fall into that mess."

"I know, I know..." Jeanne reached over and yoinked Ritsuka's drink. "...Just can't help but feel sorry for them, though, y'know?"

After several long hours, another Master finally NP5'd his Summer Ishtar. He proceeded to post about it on every social media account he had.

"Really? Even if they all constantly make fun of you?" Ritsuka yoinked her drink back. Jeanne grunted.

"Sure, a lot of 'em are filthy degenerates, but not all of 'em, y'know? Besides, the saddest among 'em are just that: the saddest. I'd be a monster to not feel any pity."

A slimy neckbearded Master in a fedora finally summons Summer Helena. She is whisked away before anyone else can question him.

"...But... you love being a monster."

"Most of the time! Can't a girl have a little depth, every now and then?" Jeanne grabbed onto Ritsuka's drink. They both struggled for a moment before Jeanne... somehow ended up with an exact copy of it. Their squabble ceased. She was content. "And honestly, don't act like you don't feel bad, too."

"Of course I feel bad!" Ritsuka replied as another Master summoned Gorgon; she picked him up by the scruff of his neck and promptly slithered away. "...But it's not like I could just give them what I have, y'know?"

A Master approached the porch and stared. No light shone in their eyes. No words escaped their lips.

Their hands gripped the railing. Ritsuka could see the strings in the Master's wrists, reaching all the way up into the sky.

They all had these strings. Around their wrists. Their ankles. Their necks.

Ritsuka waved without saying a word. The Master walked away silently.

Another Master summons Fran, and hugs her tightly. Fran looks confused, but otherwise content.

"...Do you think we'll ever get off this porch?" Jeanne asked, after a few minutes of silence.

"And go where?"

"I don't know, anywhere. Don't you think it'd be nice to be... free from all this?"

"We're already free, Jeanne." Ritsuka gently put her hand on Jeanne's shoulder.

Jeanne looked over at the scars around her wrist.

Around her neck.

There were no strings.

"Still... we keep coming back here, even if we never fall in ourselves. Wouldn't it be nice to stop worrying about this damn place?"

A Master summons Eli. Several Masters crowd around and rejoice. Eli seems happy.

"Maybe... but..."

Ritsuka's grip tightened for a moment, but she caught herself and let go of Jeanne.

"...But... what?"

Jeanne stared into Ritsuka's eyes. There was a glaze in them, and a bittersweet smile beneath them.

"No matter how long someone you love has been dead..."

A young Master steps up to the circle for the first time. d'Éon greets her before long. She's entranced by the Chevalier's beauty.

"...it's still normal to visit their grave every now and then, right?"

Ritsuka stared back at Jeanne. "...If we can do that for people... is it so bad to do that for a place?"

Jeanne opened her mouth to say something, but no words came out.

Deep down, she understood.

"...But that said, Jeanne... if you ever want to leave, just tell me."

"I— hey!" Jeanne half-glared at Ritsuka. "Like I could ever leave your incompetent ass alone for even a second!"

"I'd be going with you! It could be just the two of us for a bit, y'know? Like a..."

Ritsuka struggled to find the words for a moment.

"...Camping trip?"

"Like a camping trip!"

"That sounds... so lame."

"Oh, come on!" Ritsuka stepped away from the railing. "It doesn't even have to be a camping trip, we could go wherever you want! Haven't there been any places you've always wanted to visit?"

Off in the distance, a Master summons both Cú and Boudica.

Ritsuka stepped closer to Jeanne. "...We could even hide away in a few video game worlds, if you wanted. I know you've had your eye on a particular plot over in Limsa Lominsa..."

"I— How did you know about that!?"

"I didn't, I was just projecting~"

"You—!" Jeanne wanted to glare even harder. But Ritsuka just giggled at her. And her heart... fluttered a little. So she looked away.

"...You really mean it, though...?"

"...Mean what?"

"That we can go wherever. Whenever. Do you really—"

"Jeanne?"

Jeanne looked back to Ritsuka. Her smile was... bittersweet. As if she knew what Jeanne really meant.

"...You really want to get out of here, don't you?"

A shaky breath in.

"...Maybe."

Ritsuka's hand found its way to Jeanne's.

"...Just say the word then, Jeanne."

"I— But what about the blog? You can't just leave it like—"

"Jeanne, please." Ritsuka's other hand went to her hip. "There's no way to continue from there, and we've built up too much to start from scratch. We might as well just..."

"Give me time, then. I can think of something! They—"

"Jeanne..." Ritsuka squeezed Jeanne's hand.

"...Just let it go. For me?"

"I..." Jeanne looked back at the other Masters.

One of them had just summoned Artoria.

Alter.

"...Fine. Fine. Then..." Jeanne's gaze went back to Ritsuka once more. "...Then let's get out of here."

Ritsuka beamed. And suddenly pulled Jeanne into a tight hug.

She didn't object. Before she knew it, her arms were reciprocating.

One of the other Masters summoned Mordred. Twice.

"So... first stop, Eorzea?"

"Hm..." Jeanne thought hard for a moment. There... was actually another place she'd heard about, but never seen.

Someone managed to summon Rider Da Vinci. They never even got to the Lostbelts. They're still in Camelot.

"Actually... what about that 'Luxendarc' place you keep talking about in your sleep?"

"Oh my god, you wanna go there??"

"You said 'anywhere'."

"I know, but..."

Another Master managed to fully form a contract with Kagetora. They seem... happy.

Ritsuka sighed in defeat. "...okay. We can visit Luxendarc. But only for a bit, okay? Then it's straight to Eorzea."

"Fine, fine." Jeanne began to head inside. "Now come on. You're helping me pack."

"You're really going to pack for something like this?"

"Hey, it's either a vacation or we're moving. Either way, I'm gonna need to pack, aren't I?"

"Fiiiiine. Just don't expect to be able to fit your Kyber Crystal collection in one suitcase."

"Hey, Melusine can keep whatever I can't take with me, alright? Now let's go."

Ritsuka just kept smiling as Jeanne led her inside.

She looked back over her shoulder as the door closed behind them.

Another Master had summoned J—

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