hadrongospeltranscripts

[hadrongospeltranscripts]

Ep. 2- Fright N’ Roll Night Rock

[Short upbeat tune]

Electronic Voice: Hadron Gospel Hour

[Rift sound effect]

Mike: Good morni— good evenin— uh, good whatever it is, folks.

A.S.H. Le: Good times, Mike.

Mike: I guess that’ll work. Let me just say that my latest adventure in the rift has spawned a bounty of candy wealth [wrapper crinkling] unseen since the Halloweens of my youth. Oh, and I got Esmeralda’s fragment, here.

A.S.H. Le: That brings the total fragments retrieved to two hundred and thirty.

Oppenheimer: Not bad for two months work, well done Michael.

Mike: Thank you, thank you. So, A.S.H. Le, how many fragments are left?

A.S.H. Le: Approximately 2.5 trillion.

Mike: [sighs] ‘Kay, well, um, perhaps you’d like to sample the spoils of my Halloween haul, doctor.

[crinkling]

Oppenheimer: What’s this then? Some corporate branded, bite sized conglomeration of guar gum and red  number five, I gather? I’m going to put these through the particle scanner.

[crinkling]

Mike: I beat my personal best of ten pounds of candy. This last rift jumped proved to be very trick or treat friendly, no one around. Just empty neighbourhoods full of unoccupied houses with bags of candy on every porch. I also found this cool eighties van with the keys still in it [three beeps], hopped in, and just went to town.

A.S.H. Le: Congratulations Mike.

Mike: Thanks, A.S.H. Le

Oppenheimer: Hm. No doubt the jubilant rush immediately following the arrival of your most recent personal triumph muffled the most obvious of questions.

Mike: Wh-What d’you mean? Where the people were? Long gone, most likely. But the candy, I knew I could save the candy.

Oppenheimer: Care to share the results of the scan, A.S.H. Le?

A.S.H. Le: A compressed oxygen and carbon based substance consisting of water, proteins, lipids, appetite, complex carbohydrates, and a hearty mixture of dissolved inorganic ions.

Mike: Well I could have told you that.

Oppenheimer: People, Michael. You were about to eat people.

Mike: Gah! What? Are they alive?

A.S.H. Le: Negative. It would appear the hadron affect in that particular location had somewhat different resulting set of quantum mutations.

Mike: Moral dilemma averted, then. Jeez, I think I would have preferred razor blades, or pins in my mounds bars.

A.S.H. Le: Don’t be silly, Mike, everyone knows that was just mass hysteria, like the Salem Witch Trials and the Segway.

Mike: What’s on the agenda professor?

Oppenheimer: Precisely nothing, it would seem. 57 million timelines and nothing’s on. I would have previously thought this statistically impossible, but here I sit...

Mike: That can’t be true.

Oppenheimer: Broken hearted.

Mike: You should give your eyes a rest. And you potential poetry debut, maybe let that one cook for a while. Uh, what’re hoping to find anyway with this?

Oppenheimer: This marvellous device is a rift diactualator, a sort of decoder for the multifaceted nature of the rift that has torn countless realities asunder. Not unlike chat roulette. You see Michael, to the untrained eye this densely complicated visual code most likely appears to be nothing more than just that, random code written in a long forgotten language of probable alien origin.

[brief static]

Mike: That sort of looks like the Eiffel Tower to me...

Oppenheimer: Over the years I have stared endlessly into the static, interpreting, translating...

[brief static]

Mike: That’s probably the moon on fire...

Oppenheimer: And eventually seeing it for what it really was.

[brief static]

Mike: And that is definitely a heard of cattle with baseball caps on their heads.

Oppenheimer: Hm, well, it would seem that you, too are gifted with the sight. Although, I more recently see it as somewhat of a curse.

Mike: Can I browse through for a while?

Oppenheimer: By all means.

Mike: [brief static] There’s some sort of acrobat marathon, [brief static] this looks like a bunch of zombies in a supermarket… [brief static]

Oppenheimer: Yes, yes, typical rift fare.

Mike: Volcano eruption, [brief static] rioting, [brief static] oh there’s a cat with glasses… [brief static]

Oppenheimer: Far to much of that.

Mike: Woah, what have here?

[A weird noise starts, not unlike rushing water, but more threatening and gargle-y. It continues as the guys talk]

Oppenheimer: The horror! Quickly Michael, do not gaze upon such an abomination, my eyes be damned!

Mike: Well that reaction was unexpected. Are we both looking at the same thing?

Oppenheimer: I fear that should you continue on this fools course that only madness lie ahead for you! This creature is an indescribable monstrosity!

Mike: I wouldn’t say that is was… indescribable.

Oppenheimer: Of course it is. The focus of all that is pure evil in unbound space and time, how could one describe such a thing? A thing that should not be!

[Oppenheimer makes scared yelps and exclamations as Mike talks]

Mike: Well, I guess I’d start by saying that he’s like a three hundred foot headless, winged, humanoid creature, with a squid-like head, hundreds of tentacles protruding from where the mouth would normally be, it looks like he’s got a bunch of tentacles on his back… he’s covered in ooze… I would say there’s definitely an ocean theme going on.

Oppenheimer: Spare yourself, Michael, your mind must be moments from death!

[More noises from Oppenheimer]

Mike: Massive clawed hands… He got a tunic, or remnants of a tunic, which really isn’t— well, it’s not doing anything for the ooze. [Oppenheimer falls silent] It’s okay, relax, it’s just a code right, just a viewer? This things best attribute, it can’t see us at all. [Mike pauses and the creature’s noises get louder] Okay, he’s looking at us. Well, that was fun while it lasted.

[Theme song starts]

Intro: In the year 2008, in a secret underground lab beneath the large hadron collider, Dr. Oppenheimer Valdini was experimenting with a way to weaponize the so-called “hadron effect” and create the most destructive force ever known to mankind. A freak accident caused the hadron weapon to misfire, tearing a rift in the fabric of space-time, remaking our world and the parallel timelines of the multiverse into an infinite succession of horrors. Mike Wilkinson, I.T. guy by day and indie filmmaker by night was snatched from his world, and thrust into a terrifying dimension of madness and pseudoscience. Now, Oppenheimer and Mike roam the multiverse, chronicling the end of all that is, desperately trying to find a way to heal the rift and restore order to the timeline the only way they know how: by hosting a podcast.

[Theme music intsteifies]

Hadron Gospel Hour! Written by Michael McQuilkin and Richard Wentworth. Starring Richard Wentworth, Michael McQuilkin, Lisa McQuilkin, Michael Atkinson, and Wendy MacLean. With special guest star, John Mikl Thor.

And now, the hour has arrived! Hadron Gospel Hour!

[Theme song ends]

[Faint alarm sounds in background throughout scene]

A.S.H. Le: Imminent structural damage. The bunker will be compromised shortly.

Mike: So this is like a panic room, right? The safest part of the ship— uh, base— uh, what is this thing we’re in again?

Oppenheimer: No, no, nothing like that, I just needed a chance to gather my thoughts. Figure out the best course of action and preserve the integrity of the bunker.

Mike: Let me see if I can find the light… Okay, this is a closet.

Oppenheimer: Well, it’s more of a storage alcove, actually. With a door.

Mike: Let’s see… Shoes, tie rack, hanging jackets here next to my face. Yeah, I’m sticking with closet.

Oppenheimer: Michael, please! I need to think.

Mike: Well doesn’t this… vessel have any sort of defence mechanisms? Electrify the hull or something?

Oppenheimer: Of course! Defence mechanisms! Brilliant Michael.

Mike: Hey, that’s what I’m here for apparently.

Oppenheimer: A.S.H. Le! A.S.H. Le!

A.S.H. Le: Yes, professor?

Oppenheimer: Engage any and all bunker defence mechanisms immediately. [pause] A.S.H. Le?

Mike: This building-house has defence mechanisms, right?

Oppenheimer: Of course it does, though I’ve never had the need to use them prior. A.S.H. Le is an advanced A.I. bunker control entity, capable of handling billions of commands simultaneously. A.S.H. Le!

A.S.H. Le: Thank you for using the light edition of Automated Servitor Heuristics. To unlock advanced features such as exporting Automated Servitor Heuristic to popular formats, defence capabilities, and being able to listen to Automated Servitor Heuristic on your portable devices, please visit the Umbra Digital website at h-t-t-p-colon… [A.S.H. Le fades out as Mike and Oppenheimer talk]

Mike: You still haven’t updated? How many months has it been since Crystalos? Or that kerfuffle on Meatlantis, didn’t we talk about this?

Oppenheimer: Well Michael, let’s not argue on the merits of frugality at a time like—

Mike: Merits of frugality?!

Oppenheimer: Do you have any idea how much a custom artificial intelligence like A.S.H. Le costs, Michael? I could barely afford the lite edition!

Mike: Oh.

Oppenheimer: And furthermore, I certainly wasn’t going to start with an experimental A.I. prototype without some intense bench testing!

Mike: Well, I look forward to reading that report. Oh, no, wait. Wait a minute, I won’t be able to read anything, I’m about to die!

Oppenheimer: Now now, let’s rectify this immediately. They’ve provided a link to their website, we can upgrade right now and be done with it. To the server room!

[Rift sound effect]

[There’s still a constant alarm in the background, but it’s less faint now]

Mike: Jesus, I’ve never seen it so red-lit and smoke-filled in here.

Cyrus: Oh hey guys! Kinda noisy all of a sudden. Anything I can help with?

Oppenheimer: Yes, excellent. [muttering] “Anything I can help with”… Seriously.

Mike: Hi Cyrus, uh, we’ve got a bit of a problem that we need to rectify at the server room so…

Cyrus: Mike, Mike, I understand. you’ve got your priorities right now, I get it. You don’t need tot make time out of your busy schedule to set my mind at ease, that’s on me. I shouldn’t be putting that on you—

Mike: Uh, good, good. That’s great, Cyrus, I appreciate it.

Cyrus: Stuck in a wall or not, I understand how difficult it can be dealing with what life throws at you.

Mike: Great.

Cyrus: I used to fret about being late for things, the hustle and bustle of life in the city. I’d ask myself, I’m I doing enough? Have I maximized my potential? Did I tell everyone that needed to hear it that I loved them?

A.S.H. Le: Hull breached. Alien entity has morphed its shape and entered the bunker.

Mike: Cyrus—

Cyrus: I’d be in the supermarket, just doing a thing everyone has to do, but I’d be think about the fifty places I should be at the same moment. Multitask, multitask! Never appreciate—

Mike: I know exactly what you’re saying, let’s continue this at a later—

Cyrus: Of course, I don’t have any of those conflicts now. Fused to the wall, hopelessly immobile.

Mike: Okay, that’s my cue!

Cyrus: Look, trust me, I get it, godspeed. I envy you in a way!

[Alarm gets faint again]

Oppenheimer: Took you long enough, Michael. I told you about that man in the hall, quite the talker. Can’t give him a minute or you’ll be there all day. Anyway, come here. This terminal should do the job. Here’s the link, [typing sounds] and here we are loading and… Hm. Strange minimalistic design on their homepage, I can’t seem to locate the purchase.

Mike: That says “404 page not found”. Is there even such a thing as the internet out here?

Oppenheimer: Damn. Apparently not. Interesting, it’s been said the internet could survive a nuclear war what with all its redundant routes— mesh digital and analog conduits— but a single blast from the hadron canon seems to have put it on ice. Looks like the multiverse wasn’t the only casualty of the grim flame of my genius.

Mike: [clears throat] Professor, I’m as big a fan of irony and hubris as the next guy, but uh…

Oppenheimer: I’m going to try to reset A.S.H. Le and get her back online at least. Let’s see, um… Ah! There we go. A.S.H. Le? [typing sounds]

A.S.H. Le: I am here, professor. Would you like me to further research the merits of frugality for you?

Oppenheimer: I see, your programmers hobbled the defensive capabilities in their lite edition but had the foresight to make sure the sarcastic humour component was fully functional? What I wouldn’t give to shake their sweaty little hands right at this—

[pause]

Cyrus: Hey fellas?

Mike & Oppenheimer: Yeah?

Cyrus: There’s a guy here. In the hallway. With me.

Mike & Oppenheimer: Oh yeah?

Cyrus: Yeah. He’s just sort of… glaring at me.

Oppenheimer: Cyrus, try not to make eye contact.

Mike: Yeah, you don’t wanna be rude. [Cyrus’ muffled voice speaks in the background] We need to get out of here and, I don’t know, escape to the rift.

Oppenheimer: Every cell in my body seems to burn with the knowledge that we cannot escape this entity’s whim.

[Cyrus continues to have a muffled conversation with the creature]

Cyrus: Hey guys?

Mike & Oppenheimer: Yeah?

Cyrus: He’s done talking.

Oppenheimer: A.S.H. Le! Activate all bunker screens and play the tapes!

A.S.H. Le: [sighs] Rewinding.

Mike: No way.

Oppenheimer: To hell with hat A.S.H. Le, play it now!

A.S.H. Le: Tape rewound. Playing.

[Rift sound effect]

[Instrumental music plays]

Narrator: Tepid Fall to Derbiton Gallow.

[music fades out. Sounds of raindrops and a crackling fire play under the conversation]

Unnamed British Guy: Everything in order then?

Clancy Havenpush: It would appear so.

Unnamed British Guy: I trust Mrs. Sharpshire was helpful in getting your arrangements completed this morning?

Clancy Havenpush: That she was.

Unnamed British Guy: Splendid.

Clancy Havenpush: Her uncanny heart and candid nature are somewhat unexpected in these ghastly times, though no less appreciated.

Unnamed British Guy: [sighs] I long for the halcyon days…

Clancy Havenpush: As do I.

Unnamed British Guy: I’ll be sure to deliver your kind words.

Clancy Havenpush: See to it that you do.

Unnamed British Guy: Of course, my word is as good as my bond.

Clancy Havenpush: Lovely.

[pause]

Unnamed British Guy: And so… it has come to pass.

Clancy Havenpush: Victoria?

Unnamed British Guy: I’m afraid so.

Clancy Havenpush: Damn.

Unnamed British Guy: Indeed.

Clancy Havenpush: And… Emma as well, I presume.

Unnamed British Guy: Alas. [pause] I hear tell of delays on the roads to Derbiton, you’d do well to seek an alternate route.

Clancy Havenpush: One might suggest you do the same, perhaps… less Derbiton and more so the geography of the human soul.

Unnamed British Guy: A penny for your thoughts.

Clancy Havenpush: You can keep your beleaguered charity.

Unnamed British Guy: Monstrous cad!

[pause]

Clancy Havenpush: Well then, I suppose I’ll be off.

Unnamed British Guy: Will you?

Clancy Havenpush: Won’t I?

Unnamed British Guy: Would it surprise you were I to say you were?

Clancy Havenpush: My word is as good as—

Unnamed British Guy: I hear tell of candlelit whispers in the night to the contrary.

Clancy Havenpush: Feind!

Unnamed British Guy: Listen hear, old boy, I dare say—

Clancy Havenpush: You daren’t!

Unnamed British Guy: Now look here, look here now! Do I detect a hint of resentment in your tone?

Clancy Havenpush: Your senses do not fail you.

Unnamed British Guy: You are Percy Clavenook of Torpenville Hallow, are you not?

Clancy Havenpush: Heavens no, the name is Clancy Havenpush of Hyperpudding Vale.

Unnamed British Guy: Sir, you must forgive me for this, my most grievous of errors. How thoughtless of me. Never have I known the depths of such shame. Were I in the possession of a sword I would surely fall upon it with quickness.

Clancy Havenpush: Uh, think nothing of it, noble innskeep.

Unnamed British Guy: Oh, I-I don’t work here.

[Instrumental music plays again]

Narrator: On the next Tepid Fall to Derbiton Gallows

[Poor piano playing while a woman sings the word “la” a lot]

Posh Woman: You frightful cow.

[The singing woman cries]

[Rift sound effect]

[Ambient crowd noise in the background]

Gary's Friend: Hey Gary, you see that game last night?

Gary: Uh, which one?

Gary's Friend: Seriously, the big one, World Series.

Gary: Oh, that. What I don’t understand is, how can they call it The World Series if only one county is in it.

Gary's Friend: Hmmmm, never really thought of that, hell of a game though.

Gary: How come? Did they use something besides bats this time?

Gary's Friend: No, but— Hey, that reminds me of a joke! This guy goes to the doctor, he says—

Gary: The doctor! Is he okay?

Gary’s Friend: Well, he’s… Lemme just—

Gary: Recent trauma or some ongoing issue?

Gary’s Friend: It’s ongoing, I guess. So he says, doctor I think my wife’s cheating on me!

Gary: He’s telling this to a general practitioner? Bad move. He should really be seeing a licensed therapist.

Gary’s Friend: Sure, but he’s just—

Gary: Preferably one with a focus on couple’s counselling and/or marriage therapy.

Gary’s Friend: Anyways, the doctor says, what makes you say that? So the guy—

Gary: Woah, woah. “What makes you say that?” What kind of professional response is that? This doctor is suspect.

Gary’s Friend: Suspect? Of what, he just walked in.

Gary: No bedside manner, no “hello sir or madam”, right to the deflective question of the obviously sensitive subject. That’s grounds for a complaint to the board.

Gary’s Friend: Yeah, but—

Gary: Or at least, throw something up on Yelp.

Gary’s Friend: Okay, let’s switch gears. How about… Okay, knock knock.

Gary: Uh… Who’s there?

Gary’s Friend: Your parole officer. [sound of Gary’s running footsteps] Gary, Wait!

[Soft instrumental music plays]

Hume Vanguard: Do you often find yourself the only one at a table not laughing at a joke or humorous anecdote? Do you often find yourself using the phrases “I don’t get it” or “it’s just not my thing”? Are you compelled to type these statements in online comments sections? Have you ever lost a friendship by uttering the phrase “look I get it, I just don’t think it’s funny”? Hello, I’m Hume Vanguard and I’d like to talk to you about the Literal Institute. Everyday, millions of Americans slog through their day with an acute non-awareness of sarcasm, satire, and dry wit. Some severe cases live their lives with no concept of irony whatsoever. The Literal Institute can help. We’ll start you off with an intense introduction to the foundations of humour, trained by a team of professional instructors, all currently active college comics.

[music stops]

College Comic 1: So my boss chews me out for being fifteen minutes late last week. I could tell he was having a bad day, so I didn’t tell him I was sleeping with his wife. [pause] Just kiddin’.

[crowd laughs]

College Comic 2: Oh man, I hate waiting in lines, anyone know what I’m talking about? Lines are the worst. Sometimes I just wanna get to the back of the line and scream, “he’s got a gun!” at the top of my lungs and watch the cattle disperse. [pause] I would of course, never actually do such a thing, I’m just entertaining the fantasy of it to illustrate the level of disconnectedness and frustration I’ve endured. [crowd laughs] Also I don’t think people are the same as cows.

[music returns]

Hume Vanguard: It doesn’t matter if you don’t know your coward from your Howard, after our program you’ll be out there trading barbs with the best of them.

[music stops]

Gary’s Friend: So the doctor says, “I’m sorry Mr. Falcon, you have cancer AND Alzheimers”. After a long pause Mr. Falcon replies, “well, at least I don’t have cancer”.

Gary: Jesus, what a terrible affliction…

Gary’s Friend: What’s that?

Gary: I mean, ah ha ha! Hilarious! That was a hilarious joke!

Gary’s Friend: Told ya.

Gary: Knock knock.

Gary’s Friend: Who’s there?

Gary: Comic lucidity. Thanks, Literal Institute.

Hume Vanguard: Call today. Literally.

[Rift sound effect]

[Faint alarm in background]

Mike: Good call on those tapes.

Oppenheimer: Yes, it certainly afforded us the opportunity to abscond from the server room undetected.

Mike: I feel much safer in this… doored storage alcove.

Oppenheimer: Yes, but I feel like the word safe can be no longer used to describe our collective futures, or lack thereof. We may have run out of options, Michael. I’ve been running calculations and possible scenarios for the past hour and I feel like I’m just staring at a blank chalkboard, dark and foreboding to the psyche. Maybe with just the teacher’s name, toward the right… Mr. Oppenheimer. A small suggested summer reading list below.

Mike: Just try to relax, professor, we’ve bought some time. You may get an eraser or two chucked at your head yet. It’s funny you mentioned school though. If I were the person I was as a kid I would probably be praying my ass off right now.

Oppenheimer: Michael, as you know, I am a man of science, however, I am unwilling to leave any stone unturned in our quest for survival. Tell me more of this… praying.

Mike: You’ve never heard of it?

Oppenheimer: No, but colour me curious as a cat. Lay it on me my formerly God fearing friend.

Mike: Okay… well. First I suppose you’d have to kinda pick a god to pray to?

Oppenheimer: Interesting. There’s more than one then?

Mike: Well, uh, it depends on… Well, there’s different pantheons…

Oppenheimer: Which is the most… powerful I suppose would be the next obvious query.

Mike: Well, uh, they’re all supposed to be, you know, sort of all powerful in a way.

Oppenheimer: Come now. There must there some sort of data collected on these gods that would allow us to logically rate them on a power scale. A.S.H. Le, search your databases for all references to the various pantheons of history.

A.S.H. Le: Should I filter out those that exist only in fiction?

Mike: That’s a loaded question.

Oppenheimer: No, gather all the data please.

A.S.H. Le: Computing. Completed.

Oppenheimer: Now, parse and arrange the data, ranking them based on direct involvement with he mortal worlds and conflict resolution.

A.S.H. Le: Completed.

Mike: That was fast.

A.S.H. Le: Thank you, Mike.

Oppenheimer: Which pantheons are at the top?

A.S.H. Le: There is one clear frontrunner.

Oppenheimer: Really? Which one?

A.S.H. Le: The Norse mythology.

Mike: That makes sense.

Oppenheimer: Okay, what’s next? What would the pure, naïve, child-like Michael do?

Mike: Well, after pissing himself, he’d as humbly as possible invoke the favour of the gods through a heartfelt plea.

Oppenheimer: Curious. Not exactly my strong suit, but well— here goes nothing.

Mike: Not a good start.

[Oppenheimer starts to make muttering singing noises. It does not resemble prayer.]

Mike: And not sure what that’s all about.

Oppenheimer: Lord of the Norse sky, hear me, your most humble and notably gifted skeptic. I call upon thee to aid us, if able and existent, in this our most dire hour of need. I am a man of science, previously the idea of direct communication with you would be met with scoff and distain, but today, before you is a desperate man. A man defeated, a man who see a universe without him in it. And I weep, for not only that incredible man, but for that universe. Such potential for change and advancement squandered on the whimsical mechanics of chaos. An agent of that chaos threatens that potential and I ask, I pray, that you in your probable but not verified wisdom— and grace— send a capable agent of hope in this, our darkest hour. Sincerely, Dr. Francis “Oppenheimer” Valdini.

Mike: Well that was something.

[long pause]

Oppenheimer: Well, clearly a failed experiment. We’re doomed.

Mike: Professor, we-we’ve only just started, there’s gotta be something. W— There’s so many things we were gonna do, to see.

Oppenheimer: Yes. Yes, there were. My beloved Esmerelda only 2.5 trillion fragments away from reconstitution, the rift so close to being healed, but alas. Michael, I know it to be the foolish notion of a hopeless man to ask, but I would… I would ask that you… To please forgive…

[Thunder clap]

Thor: We meet again, bub.

Cthulhu: You. How did you find me?

Thor: Let’s just say that a bad penny by any other name is still a bad penny, old scratch. Or, shall I refer to thee as The Deceiver. Oh, heh, how about Beleisle, Panzuzu, Araman, Apollyon, Beelzebub, Shy-tan, Abadan!

Cthulhu: Ah! And your name hangs on my tongue like a bolus of foul sputum that can never be expelled. Thor, God of Thunder, Asabrag, Dorin, The Intercessor, The Archangel Triton, The Metal Avenger, Vethor, Superpresident, The Rock Warrior.

Thor: Your many names mask the same snake, Asmodius! Or perhaps better known in these realms as Bathamut, Leviathan, Cthulhu, The Indescribable One.

Mike: Ehn, pretty describable.

Oppenheimer: Shh.

Mike: Hey, how long do you think this part with go on?

Oppenheimer: Hard to say, clearly these two have a history.

Mike: I’m going to go see if I can hurry this along.

Oppenheimer: Do you think that wise, Michael?

Mike: Nope. [clears throat] Hey guys, sorry to interrupt.

Oppenheimer: Yes, forgive our intrusion.

Cthulhu: Who dares?

Mike: I just wanted to take this opportunity to say that, uh, and I think I can speak for both of us…

Oppenheimer: Of course.

Mike: I just wanted to say that we are… impressed beyond believe and the number of monikers you’ve both managed to amassed over the years.

Oppenheimer: Most impressive. Most impressive.

Mike: And well, just as a personal aside and only because you folk may not know this, but I’ve slogged through life so far with just one name. A fairly common one at that, and the professor here—

Oppenheimer: Well, truth be told, I have quite a few myself, but that list pales in comparison to the inordinate amount of influence you both must possess in order to receive such a cornucopia of titles.

Thor: Your reverence is well received, mortals! It warms the heart of Thor. A heart buried deep beneath the eldritch armour and layers upon layers of equally impenetrable muscle.

Mike: Well, we couldn’t just stay in the next room with all this going on an remain silent.

Oppenheimer: We were compelled to say something.

Thor: And what say you, Serpent of Old? Wordless in the face of such exalted praise, Foul Betrayer? ’Tis rude of you.

Cthulhu: Insolence!

Oppenheimer: Gentlemen, gentlemen, please. Although most appreciated, we are not fishing for reciprocal compliments here.

Mike: And we’re certainly not interested in complicating what is clearly an extend period of unresolved conflict between the two of you, it’s been a while hasn’t it?

Cthulhu: Eons.

Oppenheimer: Eons! That’s barely even a measurement of recognized time. Both Michael and I have had a rough road over these past few years, but eons! That cannot be easy.

Cthulhu: Yes.

Thor: Aye, perhaps before time itself. Battle after battle. So much lost in the fog of it.

Mike: Okay, well, we’ve said our piece. Uh, hopefully we’ve established ourselves as a safe place for you to, you know, unload some of that burden, even for a little while.

Oppenheimer: Perhaps even shed some light on some past transgressions to let the steam out a bit.

Thor: There you go, old scratch, you relish the destructive display of evaporation.

Cthulhu: This is true.

Mike: See? We understand you.

Oppenheimer: We understand.

Thor: What brought you here to this… this…

Oppenheimer: Interdimensional bunker.

Mike: It’s a lot like a spaceship building.

Thor: Yes, what brought you to this spaceship building?

Cthulhu: This mindless prattle has clouded you minds, fools! Is it not obvious?

Mike: Hey, we wouldn’t have asked if we didn’t want to hear what you have to say.

Thor: Aye, what is your purpose here, my oldest of adversaries?

Cthulhu: I am here to consume the souls of these mortals, these two Chatty Cathys. And I intended to do so regardless of the temporary sympathy plateau we’ve cultivated, but now I can see that you have duped me again, that these two are but shadows. No humans could be so vapid, so touchy-feely. Well played, God of Thunder.

Thor: Actually, Foul One, they’re real.

Cthulhu: Really?

Oppenheimer: Full disclosure, our intervention hear this evening is dual-purposed. The first has already been accomplished.

Mike: And thanks for sharing your honesty with us, i-it goes a long way. Even if it doesn’t seem so right at this moment.

Cthulhu: And what is the second purpose of your pitiful intentions?

Oppenheimer: Distraction. A.S.H. Le!

A.S.H. Le: Deploying liquid nitrogen jets.

[Whoosh sound. Cthulhu screams]

Thor: Nicely done, mortals, now it’s time for me to do what I do best. Let’s tune our weapons!

[Rock music starts, Cthulhu makes the occasional guttural noise]

Oppenheimer: Mother of invention, this is quite a sight! It appears that Thor has transformed into a shirtless titan. A radically different appearance, but no less imposing.

Mike: No doubt about that, professor. And look, the creature has transformed as well.

Oppenheimer: Yes, what a hideous sight. A curious design to choose in this particular instance.

Mike: Yeah, sort of a stick-thin nightmare with elongated proportions.

Oppenheimer: Almost insectoid in form and structure, pained movement, limited articulation.

Mike: Not sure if he even has legs, just kinda bobbing back and forth.

Cthulhu: Minions, attend me!

Oppenheimer: Curious choice indeed. And what’s this?

Mike: He’s summoned a bunch of small starfish looking things, they kind of look like hand puppets.

Oppenheimer: Now, Michael. why would a creature possessed with this kind of immense power conjure a series of benign children’s toys? For the sake of comic relief? Trust me, these are dangerous entities. Even though we can’t see their legs either.

Mike: Yeah, they seem ambulatory— Oh, look out! One of them has a switch blade.

Oppenheimer: My God, and that one is smoking!

Mike: Oh crap, these non-puppet things just flew through the air and stuck to Thor’s chest.

Oppenheimer: He’s having quite a struggle with them, it almost looks as though he’s intentionally holding them against himself.

Mike: That’s just crazy talk, professor. Should we help?

Thor: Stay back, mortals. I will prevail! These minions of the underworld are as deadly as they appear.

A.S.H. Le: So… not that deadly?

Oppenheimer: Look, he’s destroyed the minions! Now he’s locked in combat with the creature itself!

Mike: Like a strange, in-air, double arm wrestling competition.

Oppenheimer: Awesome indeed, Michael. Perhaps, awesome incarnate.

[Music crescendos, then stops. Faint dying wail from Cthulhu]

Thor: It it done. The fiend is gone… for now.

Oppenheimer: Sir, I-I don’t know how to thank— You saved my bunker… You— You saved us…

Thor: Ah, don’t mention it pal. Just a typical Thursday night for me.

Oppenheimer: Oh, uh, typical you say?

Thor: Yeah, get it? Thursday, Thor’s day, the name’s Thor!

Oppenheimer: Oh I see, heh, a bit of comedic wordplay, yes. I’m afraid I’m a bit myopic when it comes to any form of humour that doesn’t involve sarcasm.

Mike: Just checked on Cyrus, he’s fine. Woah, wait a minute! I know who this is.

Oppenheimer: Of course, Michael, just because he changed back into his earthly garb does mean—

Mike: This is Jon Mikl Thor.

Thor: In the flesh, bub.

Oppenheimer: Ah, yes, of course. I must have been a little woozy from all the sulphur. The legendary Jon Mikl Thor is here!

[pause]

Mike, Oppenheimer, & A.S.H. Le: Welcome!

Thor: Happy to be here. And to pull your butts out of the fire. Literally.

Oppenheimer: Please, have a seat on the couch. I think we’re out of chairs.

[Rift sound effect]

Oppenheimer: Thank you so much for being here, Thor. What is your preferred method of destroying your enemies.

Thor: I use mind-control. Everyone thinks that I just use my muscularity and strength, but actually I have a superior brain.

Oppenheimer: So you’re able to get inside their heads?

Thor: Yes, I have a special vision where I can inspect the brain and see what they are thinking, and I can be one step ahead.

Oppenheimer: Ah, mental manipulation and mind control, wonderful!

Thor: Yes, manipulate them and then give ‘em a judo chop in the neck, and then I grab their arm, twist it to their behind— not in their behind, but to the behind of the back— and they’re on their knees. That’s how I deal with them.

Oppenheimer: Jon, what was the first moment that you identified with the thunder god? What was the first moment onstage as Thor like

Thor: The very first moment onstage was a… very thunderous moment. I could hear the thunder and I could see the lightening. And I was being electrocuted at the time, as I stepped on a live wire and on a live flash pod. So, uh, that was my first, uh… uh, feeling of the god of thunder. [Oppenheimer chuckles] However, to get— seriously, I had just a, uh, incredible moment of… I was trying to develop the character of Thor and it was one of my favourite mythological gods— and, uh, also I’m a big fan of Superman— and I wanted to put both together and come up onstage and play heavy rock music. ‘Cause I used to train to Led Zeppelin and Black Sabbath, and all the heavy metal bands. Did you know that “Helter Skelter” was the very first metal song? By the Beatles. I used to train to that as well. And, uh, and then I got pumped up and I wanted to do it all onstage. Meld muscle and music together.

Oppenheimer: What was your favourite TV show as a child?

Thor: Besides The Adventures of Superman, it was the Lone Ranger!

Oppenheimer: Ah, yes.

Thor: Yeah, with Clayton Moore. Remember Clayton Moore?

Oppenheimer: I can see that in John Triton— a-a man who comes into town to clean things up.

Thor: That’s right, that’s right. You know all my influences and secrets.

Oppenheimer: And now we can watch Rock and Roll Nightmare with new eyes.

Thor: [chuckles] Yes.

Oppenheimer: Speaking of Rock and Roll Nightmare, why-why do you think that Rock and Roll Nightmare has become such a huge cult phenomenon with so many fans?

Thor: I absolutely have no idea. Seriously, I [laughs] I, uh, i-it leaves me scratching my head at times. Um, I-I just think that it’s one of those things where y’know, John Fasano and I were two young guys… You know, we just, uh— well he was younger than I was [laughs], I was rockin’ and rollin’ for a while at that time, an-and touring all over the world. And we had done Zombie Nightmare together and I did the soundtrack as well. And, you know, that was with Tia Carrere and Adam West— the original Batman. Uh, and the-then we wanted to do this movie together, an-and do some other ones as well, an-and our idea was “hey, can we just make a movie that could get distributed”. Y’know, we didn’t want just a movie that our— that we’d have in the basement where, you know, your mom and dad would watch and have the friends over, that sort of thing. We wanted a movie that could get distributed. And so that’s all our plan was. We had no idea that it would continue on, over the years and have this cult following and new generations of fans, for that matter. That was unfathomable. That… that… Well, that’d be amazing. So here we are, in 2013, I have just, you know, appeared on a tour, and I can’t believe the fans of… of, uh you know, this— this movie and, uh, if I look at it, I just think it’s… it’s that story, right? Of, y’know, why is The Man of Steel— well, of course, bigger budget and everything— why is the Man of Steel so popular, or why are superheroes popular? You know, Triton was a superhero, really, he was like Hercules, uh, you know, he was, y’know, sent from above to do a job on Earth, y’know? Let’s clean up, y’know? Do a job and— And I think there were some… some cool twists, and I think also, the music speaks for itself. I believe the music that was written—[coughs] Excuse me, but I have to take a little, uh… [Oppenheimer laughs] kudos here. [laughs] But the… [laughs] I thought the music was… It’s good music, right? It’s good rockin’ music, you know, for that time…

Oppenheimer: Totally.

Thor: And people still like it today. They— they keep going on about energy… and “we live to rock” and all these, uh… “We Accept the Challenge”… They stand up today.

Oppenheimer: And if I could add, one of the things that we find most compelling about your work— Rock and Roll Nightmare and all of your projects, really— is the amount of energy that you bring to it, uh, the… the fun you seem to be having and the passion with which you apply yourself. You are an entertainer, and it’s obvious that with you, entertainment comes first.

Thor: Well, that’s why I say to the crowd, uh, yeah, “you give me energy” because the energy I get from the crowd is… is… is beyond any kind of high I could get from anything else. it really is a high and and you can really feel it up there and… and i-it’s something that’s, uh, one of the most amazing feelings a human being could anger have. An-and it’s— That’s— Hey, why is Paul McCartney out there, you know, at 71 years old, entertaining the crowds? He loves it, I mean, there— He’s on bigger scale, of course, but you have to admire, uh, you know the-the guy… Hey, you know, most of the guys touring right now are over sixty. Y’know, they’re all touring out there, KISS loves it… I mean, y-you can’t escape it. Uh, y’know, “we live to rock”.

Oppenheimer: Yes! So what have the crowds been like?

Thor: Oh, uh, we… we had five thousand in, uh, in Florida. Um… In, um, in Europe we had, uh, a crowd of twenty thousand, um… S-so, y’know, i-it varies in the different regions we go to, y’know.  But, uh, y’know, we, uh, we played— I have played in front of a hundred thousand and that was, uh, at a large festival in Europe. Back in… in the eighties, but, you know, most of the stuff, like, twenty thousand, you know, is recently.

Oppenheimer: It seems like there’s a lot more younger fans now who seem to be getting into that classic, uh… hard rock, power metal sort of sound. Uh, many more than perhaps even as recently as twenty years ago. Have you noticed that?

Thor: I absolutely— Yeah, I feel that, and, you know, with the social network., uh, and the internet, everything… it’s made the world smaller and everybody joins together an-and we have so many fans that contact us from Brazil, from Japan… Places, you know, that we’ve never been to a-at all, uh, before. But, you know, we ha— We’ve found out there’s so many legions of fans, um, you know, like in Germany and of course, you know, we’ve played in Sweden and Finland and all those places— and England. But there’s such a big world out there, a big universe. We are warriors of the universe and, uh, were ready t-to get out there at some point animate all these people. Uh, next year we do have plans to do some shows in New York, Boston, Washington, and, uh, uh, you know, we have a new album that will be coming out. Uh, there’s some, uh… uh… Well, special secrets, I guess, uh, that have not been revealed yet, but they will be unfurled to the world, uh… very, very soon. About I will say, maybe possibly a box set that’ll be coming out on, uh, on a major label, uh next year, that’s one. And, uh, also we got, uh, out of Europe, a single that’s coming out and another album. So we got plenty of products, are you confused already? But uh, you know, heh, I’m confused at times.

Oppenheimer: It’s a good kind of confusion. Where can the denizens of the various timelines go to find out more about your current projects and…

Thor: Yeah, yeah, thorcentral.com, metalavengers, uh, dot com, which is out of Europe. So, uh, you got the North American, uh, headquarters, and the European headquarters. And of course, uh, Facebook, Jon Mikl Thor on Facebook, y’know you can get, uh, updates, uh on there.

Oppenheimer: I have two more questions for you, Jon. Uh, you’ve been a champion bodybuilder, a rockstar, a filmmaker, actor, writer, and an entrepreneur with your throwback classic NHL jerseys. You’ve even been in comic books, uh, including that new Retro Tales comic. Is there anything that you’ve not yet attempted or accomplished, but would like to?

Thor: Oh, uh, I’d like to have a great golf game or an under three hundred bowling… y’know… [Oppenheimer laughs] There’s a few things there.

Oppenheimer: We need to bowl next time you come to the bunker, right Michael?

Thor: Yeah, absolutely.

Oppenheimer: Excellant.

Thor: I, uh… I’d like to… Like I said, I like to get a pretty good— I like to get the perfect game.

Oppenheimer: Yes, of course as do we.

Thor: That would be great.

Oppenheimer: One more question for you, Jon. What would you consider to be the most important lesson that you’ve learned in your time here amongst us mortals.

Thor: I would say, to… to be humble, you know? To appreciate what you have, appreciate life, appreciate the scenery. Do not be an egomaniac. I’ve dealt with many egomaniacs out there, and at times I may portray one here and there, but really, I’m a pretty humble guy because I’ve learned to be humble. You know, it’s like, uh, you gotta, you know, enjoy life to its max and, uh, appreciate nature, etc., etc. There’s, uh, you know, you can work yourself to death pretty much and just be focused on one thing, uh, for example music. You know, some guys are just “hey, I just wanna write the next one, the next big record” or, “I just wanna”— But, you know what? There’s other things out there that are wonderful, like bowling.

Oppenheimer: [laughs] Right, of course.

Thor: So enjoy!

Oppenheimer: Jon Mikl Thor, you are the best, thank you so much for talking with us.

Thor: Hey man, I appreciate it. Thank you so much for having me on the show, I really appreciate that. Look forward to seeing you guys again soon.

[Rift sound effect]

Thor: Well guys, it’s time I got out of here. Lots of other worlds to save. And I must have a ton of dishes to wash by now.

Mike: We can’t thank you enough, man, thanks for everything.

Oppenheimer: Yes, you truly saved the day, I imagine, on of many days saved.

Thor: Don’t mention it.

A.S.H. Le: Now, professor?

Oppenheimer:
Absolutely not.

Mike: What’s up?

Oppenheimer: Oh, nothing, she just wanted to play some ending credits music for a silly video game.

A.S.H. Le: He just doesn’t get it.

Thor: Which game? Portal?

A.S.H. Le: Why… yes, actually.

Thor: Great idea, that would have really fit well.

A.S.H Le: Swoon.

Thor: Okay, so, uh… I guess I’m leaving now. [coughs] Hey, guy, don’t you have something for me?

Mike: Wha… Who, me?

Thor: Yeah, man. Keys?

Mike: Wha— Oh! Oh…

Oppenheimer: The van you found on the People Candy World, that’s—

Thor: My van, man. [sound of keys being handed over] Rock and roll! [van beeps] Gentlemen.

Song: Energy takes me where I want to be And you’re where I wanna be Girl you give me

[Van tyres screech]

Mike: Don’t call it people candy.

Oppenheimer: People candy, Michael. You were almost eating people candy.

[“Energy” by Jon Mikl Tho starts playing]

Credits: Hadron Gospel Hour is produced by Richard Wentworth and Michael McQuilkin, production assistance from Katy Falvey and Rebekah White. Special thanks to Jon Mikl Thor, Tim Conway, Bob Wilson, Scott Woolard and Barrelhouse Sound, Kris Paukstys, Tim Gleason, and Don and Eric Schulze. Download, rate, and review episodes of Hadron Gospel Hour at iTunes and Stitcher. And Listen to episodes any time at hadrongospelhour.com.

[“Energy” plays the episode out]

[hadrongospeltranscripts]

Ep. 1- The Reluctant Hadronaut

[Rift sound effect.]

Electronic Voice: Hadron Gospel Hour

Dr. Oppenheimer: I do apologize for the makeshift accommodations here in the break room Mr. Wilkinson. I thought it might ease your transition into this insane world of cackling horror. And you were in pretty rough shape when I picked you up last night. Have considered my proposal?

Mike: Listen, uh, Doctor… Oppenheimer? Uh, I don’t know how many ways I can say this. I’m an IT guy. Who happens to write dialogue driven movies in my spare time. An IT guy with a splitting headache. Uh, did you even try Craigslist?

Dr. Oppenheimer: Oh, sure. “Scientist who caused incalculable damage to the space-time continuum seeks help creating podcast about he destruction his hubris has rained down on on all the inhabitants of the multiverse?” No. No, I have not placed that ad. But I’m sure you’re being too modest about your talents Mr. Wilkinson. May I call you Michael?

Mike: Uh, Well, I prefer Mike…

Dr. Oppenheimer: Michael it is. Michael, since the… event, I have been driven to catalogue and document the scenes I’ve seen through the rift— that bleeding mocking wound in space-time. I want— I need to share these tales with the world, Michael. To warn them of the perils that await those who would, like me, tinker with he very warp and weft of the multiverse’s gauzy fabric. And what better way to spread this terrible hadron gospel than…

Mike: To… create a podcast?

Dr. Oppenheimer: Precisely! Oh, and a tumblr. We’ll need to set up a tumblr. (pause) Trail mix?

Mike: No thanks. So, is that the reason for the Misfits makeup?

Dr. Oppenheimer: My… grieving mask, you mean. I have adopted the visage of death itself to honour the deaths that I have caused. So many lives, Michael, so many timelines ruined. Plus I think it looks cool (crunching sounds) Mm. Are you sure? It’s the only think in the vending machine without high fructose corn syrup.

Mike: Nope, I’m good. I mean, you kidnapped me from my bachelor party. On the eve of the most important day of my life. I’d just given what I thought was a very eloquent and moving speech about the power of friendship—

[Cutaway to Mike’s bachelor party.]

Mike: (clearly drunk) What’s important to me, is that— is not so much that, uh… it’s the value of the friendship that means good… It’s what everybody— and then, y’know, it means that you (indistinguishable mumbling) And then… I dunno, it’s— I—I do know. It’s good. It’s friend, it’s good. So here’s to… um… to y’know… and then, um, everybody friend good. And then— But the value, the value—

Partygoer: Attaboy Mike!

Mike: Is— is really what I mean to… So raise your glass and (mumbling) good frie— Fr-friendship good.

[End cutaway, back to the bunker]

Dr. Oppenheimer: (eating trail mix) Michael… When I saw you though the rift, your words moved me. I sensed in you something of a kindred spirit and I felt the celestial rush of synchronicity, like wind upon the water’s surface, for I too have lost a love. (theme song starts under his words) Here, look.

Mike: A gift receipt.

Dr. Oppenheimer: (paper rustling) Ah, oh no, sorry. Here.

Mike: Ooh, a wedding ring.

Dr. Oppenheimer: My wife, Esmerelda, was a brilliant physicist and my partner in the Hadron Project. She objected to the weaponization of the Hadron Effect, but I convinced her that the money, security, and yes, fame, would more than compensate for the grisly knowledge that our work would be used to such terrible ends. For the Hadron Weapon was designed not only to destroy its quarry, but to retroactively edit it out of existence as though it had never been! What a weapon, eh Michael? And what a paycheque! We could finally afford to move back into the downtown area and get one of those nice loft spaces. You know, with a café and a laundromat and little boutique shops on the ground floor.

Mike: Makes sense.

Dr. Oppenheimer: Total sense, Michael. We’d been living int he suburbs. Ever been to the suburbs, Michael? Scenic, but a special kind of purgatory.

Mike: And.. the Hadron Weapon was your ticket out.

Dr. Oppenheimer: Yes! Sadly, all of our dreams were for naught. I must have miscalculated somewhere along the way, for, during the first true test of the Hadron Weapon, something went horrible wrong. The weapon misfired, it gouged a rift through the very fabric of space-time; and Esmerelda, my wife, lost. Lost forever, with only this ring left behind. (ring box clicks closed) But enough of all this sadness! I didn’t bring you all this way to weep at you about my vaporized life partner, how about a tour of the lab! (theme music gets louder)

Intro: Hadron Gospel Hour! Written by Michael McQuilkin and Richard Wentworth. Starring Richard Wentworth, Michael McQuilkin, Lisa McQuilkin, Michael Atkinson, Vera Schränkung, and George Jack. With musical guests, Reindeer. Streaming and podcasting thanks to Afterbuzz TV and Acami Technologies. And now, the hour approaches! Hadron Gospel Hour!

[Theme song ends]

Dr. Oppenheimer: I do hope you can handle the shrieking horror of it all. Although, the decor is midcentury modern, so it’s not all that bad.

Mike: I’ll be honest with you: this is not a fun place to be hungover.

Dr. Oppenheimer: Well, it’s going to get much worse Michael. You may not unseen that which next assaults your eyes. Behold, the Hadron Rift!

[Large metal door opens. Rift sound.]

Mike: Oh my God… This can’t be real. It’s horrific. Broken buildings, strange situations, empty shopping malls. Comedies of error.

Dr. Oppenheimer: Terrible, I know. Coffee? A.S.H. LE (pronounced Ashley), two coffees please. How do you take yours, Michael?

Mike: Black, I guess. Who’re you talking—

Dr. Oppenheimer: Two coffees with cream and sugar, please A.S.H. LE.

Mike: Oh, but I’m lactose—

Dr. Oppenheimer: Cream and sugar, A.S.H. LE.

A.S.H. LE Of course, Doctor Oppenheimer. Two coffees with cream and sugar. (computer beeping noise)

Mike: (sigh) Aren’t they going to… materialize or something?

Dr. Oppenheimer: Ha, no. They’re in the coffee machine back in the break room. I’ll go get them. (footsteps leaving) This isn’t science fiction Michael!

[Metal door closes]

Mike: (muttering) Gonna wake up now any second Mike. (Out loud) Ashley, huh?

A.S.H. LE: What? What was that? Oh. (sigh) Short for “Automated Servitor Heuristic Lite Edition”. Dr. Oppenheimer and his wife had me custom built to assist in their work here in the lab. Hey, I am the lab. Programmer knows, I do more than any of the meat bags around here. You’re Mike?

Mike: Uh, yeah. Hey, he’s got a lot going on, doesn’t he?

A.S.H. LE: Oppenheimer? Oh yeah he does. Well, it’s nice to meet you Mike. If there’s anything you need, just ask. I am programmed to assist.

Mike: Well, actually, uh, could you make one of those coffees black, please?

A.S.H. LE: (computer beeping noise) Done.

Mike: Thanks. So what’s Oppenheimer’s deal other than being a bit of a drama queen?

A.S.H.LE: Ha. Oppenheimer’s deal is that he’s trapped here. Oh he can leave the lab, but only for short trips. He inevitably reappears right back here in the lab, in the exact spot where he was standing when the Hadron Event happened.

Mike: Like respawning in a video game. Huh, cool.

A.S.H. LE: Sure, cool. So anyway, he trapped here, in the lab. Forever. I mean, I’ve scanned him. No gene death, no aging, just me and Oppenheimer. Here in the lab. Forever. Fun, right?

Mike: Oof. Yeah, not at all appealing. But, A.S.H. LE, I could go back to my time, right? Back to uh… my… timeline?

A.S.H. LE: Of course. I recorded the exact temporal, spatial, parallel coordinates Oppenheimer had me extract you from.

Mike: Oh that’s amazing! But, what’d it mean when Oppenheimer said we’ve… we’ve both lost a love? Nothing happened in my timeline, right? (pause) A.S.H. LE? Nothing has happened, right?

A.S.H.LE: Mike, the Hadron Effect has been felt across all timelines, even yours. The dissonance is different in each timeline, but it has happened, or will happen, or is happening. Or in fact… all of the above. From our relative position—

Mike: Jesus, don’t be so quantum. Just tell me what happened… or is happening, or whatever.

A.S.H. LE: I shouldn’t, Mike.

Mike: But— but Beth, my friends. You said different. How different? Like… new Darren different or New Coke different?

A.S.H. LE: In your timeline? New Coke different.

Mike:(softly) Son of a—

A.S.H. LE: Listen Mike, Dr. Oppenheimer was trying to fix the rift, but he’s been… distracted lately. Obsessed with recording those scenes from the rift. His physiognomic scans are showing an overall decline into depression. Maybe you can… cheer him up, and get him back on track.

Mike: Cheer him up? I don’t think I could cheer me up right now.

A.S.H. LE: Well than maybe just… be his friend.

Mike: (sigh) Alright, I’ll try, but he’s not making it easy.

A.S.H. LE: I hear ya.

[metal door opens]

Dr. Oppenheimer: My ‘supercomputer’ messed up your coffee order, Michael, so I’m afraid I had to add your cream and sugar manually, sorry for the delay.

Mike: Thanks. Hey it’s, uh (gags) perfect.

Dr. Oppenheimer: Well, it’s not every man that can make manual coffee these days Michael.

Mike: So, hey, what’s this about a collection of uh, horrific videos?

Dr. Oppenheimer: My “Tales of the Hadron Rift”, you mean?

Mike: Uh, yeah. Yeah, what d’ya say, we should watch a few.

Dr. Oppenheimer: Well, yes. Yes, I suppose we should. A.S.H. LE, fire up the VTR!

Mike: Um, don’t you mean a VCR?

Dr. Oppenheimer: What? No, I said VTR. Video tape recorder. What’s wrong with that?

Mike: Nothing, I’ve just never heard that term before. They’re video cassette recorders. VCRs.

Dr. Oppenheimer: Well, this York’s model is plainly labelled VTR, so I don’t know how much clearer it could be than that. Plus, you use video tapes in them. The medium is magnetic tape, Michael.

Mike: Yeah, but the magnetic tape is encased in a video cassette. (sound of video cassette being picked up) See, look at this one, VCR.

Dr. Oppenheimer: Well that’s just silly, VCR. Feh. A.S.H. LE, video tape one, please.

A.S.H. LE: (sigh) The tape was not rewound. Rewinding. (sound of tape being rewound) Tape rewound. Playing.

Dr. Oppenheimer: Ah, Michael, you’re in for a treat. Allow me to present to you, “Tales of the Hadron Rift”!

[Rift sound]

Mike: Hey, neat sound.

Dr. Oppenheimer: Thank you, A.S.H. LE and I composed it for our into. I rather like it.

[Rift sound]

[Rustling and dragging sounds. A sigh. Fridge door closes.]

Unnamed Character: Okay, he’s gone. So, first day in the fridge, huh. Nervous?

Nahoo: Uh, maybe a little.

Unnamed Character: Ah, don’t be. This job does itself once you get the hang of it. And the heath benefits are sweet.

Nahoo: So, how much of this is turning the light on and off? Cause it seems like that would be a really cool job.

Unnamed Character: What?! Jesus, they send you guys greener every year. We don’t do the goddamned light, kid.

Nahoo: Really? Aw, that’s too bad.

Unnamed Character: Well, get over it. There’s more important stuff to worry about. Like goddamn salmonella. Yeah, I know, sounds dramatic, but listen. The fridge is about eighty percent paper work, fifty percent meetings, and five percent getting the hell behind the olives when someone opens that door. And a little general mold and mildew containment. You’ll do fine, you got any… powerpoint experience?

Nahoo: Um… Unnamed Character: Access?

Nahoo: Well…

Unnamed Character: Word?

Nahoo: No.

Unnamed Character: Excel?

Nahoo: Well I consider myself slightly above average.

Unnamed Character: Jesus, do you even have a computer? How do you not know Word?

Nahoo: Well, I have trouble staying in my seat.

Unnamed Character: Okay, let’s switch gears a bit. Are you comfortable being alone?

Nahoo: What?

Unnamed Character: Well, there are extended periods of darkness in here and folks tend to get lost in their own thoughts. I just wanna make sure you’re comfortable with that. We’ve already lost too many men to the labyrinth of their own minds in here, so you gotta be careful. You ever considered taking your own life?

Nahoo: No! (pause) What’s that smell?

Unnamed Character: Oh yeah. Well, the giant who owns this box is going through a rough patch. Wife left him a while ago. That’s the last takeout order they got together. I don’t have the heart to get rid of it. Neither does he so, we live with it. And you will too if you wan to keep this job.

Nahoo: Oh. Uh, okay.

Unnamed Character: So, that’s the basics. Lemme introduce you to Larry, you’ll be relieving him. He’s been in here for a couple of years now, so cut him some slack. Larry, this is Nahoo, the new guy. I’ll let you guys get aquatinted.

Nahoo: Hey there, nice to meet ya!

Larry: Hmm.

Nahoo: So, um, what d’ya do at sing along time in here?

Larry: I haven’t sung for five years. Doesn’t mean anything anymore.

Nahoo: Well, I know a few tunes that we could—

Larry: This used to be a magical place, now it ain’t. A place where you’d lovingly store the foods you’d use to sustain your family and entertain your friends. Now it’s a morgue for food that doesn’t even know it’s already spoiled. Sad sacks who don’t know they’re already dead.

Nahoo: Oh.

Larry: You smoke?

Nahoo: No.

Larry: Hm. Well, we’re not supposed to, but part of me hope this whole place goes up. I know it’s scientifically impossible, but a guy’s gotta have something to hold onto, right? Well, let me show you around. So over here we got a bunch of food no one gives a damn about; some open cans of soda, unpackaged celery that’s so rubbery it would probably be more effective as a police baton, chunky peanut butter that, quite frankly, does not belong in here. I mean, how much time you buyin’?

Nahoo: What’s that, way back there?

Larry: Oh yeah, that. We call that the Shrine. Been here as long as I can remember, a bottle of French dressing. And I’m pretty sure that company went out of business.

Nahoo: So is this a seating area?

Larry: Nah, those are egg holders, if you can believe that. Once in a while some stray M&M’s will get trapped in there. When no one’s lookin’ I use ‘em as toilets, and trust me, kid, no one’s lookin’. Another relic from a long gone era that no one gives a damn about anymore. No one but Larry. And when Larry’s gone… That’s that I suppose.

Nahoo: Well, don’t you have any family?

Larry: I got a cousin that made it out to the Lawn a few years back. Got a commercial deal. I get a postcard now and then. Screw him. (pause) Well that’s my queue. Good luck kid, you’re up.

Nahoo: But— But what do I do?

Larry: You know, I used to ask myself that same question a lot. You know what the answer is? Doesn’t matter. I’m outta here, don’t disturb the surface of the Jello!

Nahoo: Wh-what? (exhale) It’s cold. Well. Maybe a song will warm me up. (Sings) Living a boy’s adventure tale… So many—

[Elephant trumpet, confused shouting]

[Rift sound]

[ProductCo theme start playing]

Product Announcer: Hold onto your hats… If you’re not excited about this product now… Get ready…

Rick: Alright, well I— I have to tell you about a wonderful new product that I just came across and it is… probably the best product that I’ve ever tried.

Mitch: Now look, I don’t usually pipe up about things like this, but I am just so over the moon with this product that I felt like I had to got to this forum and record my words in order to get them to you.

Product Announcer: An exciting new development in product technology…

Rick: I really love it, and I think you will too. For all the things that you would use this product for, you can use this particular product and not the other ones that are far inferior. I mean, I’ve tried ‘em all…

Product Announcer: Not convinced? Listen to some trusted personalities…

Rick: I’ve been using this product now for.. an unspecified amount of time, and I’ve gotta tell you, it has done some amazing things for me. It has changed the— the way that I use products.

Mitch: I had that similar need for this product, and thus I used it. So the results were… all positive, I promise you.

Product Announcer: Tonight, on a very special: your life just got better because of this product.

Rick: I tried all the other products that cover— that cover similar ground to this product, they don’t come close.

Mitch: My friends notice it, my… pets notice it. They notice that I am a changed man for the better. I’m pretty sure that you might have a very similar reaction.

Product Announcer: Get on board, this train’s leaving… for trusted productville…

Rick: You’ve come to rely on this company for so many things, they’re like a trusted family friend. If they’ve been around that long.

Mitch: You listen to me, you son of a bitch, if you think I came here to blow smoke up your ass, then, uhhh, I—I’ve got nothing else for you, my friend. Because you’re an ignorant person.

Rick: Don’t waffle about this, this is something you need to try! It’s so wonderful.

Product Announcer: I hunger…

A.S.H. LE: Video ended. Rewinding. (sound of tape being rewound)

Mike: Wow, uh, I had no idea the multiverse was so… dysfunctional.

Dr. Oppenheimer: That it is, Michael, a big old bag of it.

Mike: Hey, where’s the boys room, Oppenheimer, I need to send this coffee along to its final resting place. You do have bathrooms here, right?

Dr. Oppenheimer: Ha, of course. This lab may be stranded outside the space-time continuum, but we’re not savages. It’s down the hall and to the left.

[sound of footsteps]

Mike: (to himself) Somebody spiked my drink maybe? No, this feels to real. Peyote? No, it can’t be. I haven’t met Mescalito yet.

Cyrus: Ha!

Mike: Woah!

Cyrus: Mescalito, nice. You read Casteneda?

Mike: Who are you? Why are you sticking out of the wall? Jesus, are you okay?

Cyrus: Me, oh, I’m fine. For the most part. (pained grunt) I’m alright, just fused with the wall, name’s Cyrus.

Mike: Ummm, Mike.

Cyrus: Nice to meet you Mike! Say, could you do me a quick favour? My arms are, uhh, somewhere else, and my nose is real itchy. Do you think you could… you know, give it a little scratch? Just a quickie?

Mike: Oh, uh, yeah, sure. Just, uh. (scratching noise)

Cyrus: (scratching noise continue while he speaks) Aaaaaaaaah… That’s amazing. Oh man, thanks! The doc won’t do it, and it’s been years. Oh wow, I can’t over how much better that f— (pained grunt, scratching noise stops) It’s okay, I’m okay, just (pained grunt) the wall.

Mike: This happened in, ah, the accident?

Cyrus: Yep, I was mopping the hallway floors when it happened. Never seen anything like it. Weirdest feeling I’ve ever felt. Like being sliced down to the bone and pulled apart in a million different directions, and not in a fun way.

Mike: And you’ve been sticking out of this wall for… five years?

Cyrus: Has it been that long? It’s hard to keep track.

Mike: And, uh, the rest of you?

Cyrus: Well, that’s the thing. I can still feel the rest of me, but who the hell knows where it is. We thought it might be the next room, but A.S.H. LE scanned and I’m not there. The doc says it’s probably wedged in another timeline, weird right?

Mike: Yeah, that sound horrible.

Cyrus: You know what though? Could have been a lot worse. I could have been completely vaporized like the doc’s wife, or I could be unemployed. And I’ve been blessed with an experience most guys never have in their entire lifetime. Yeah… I’ve got it pretty good. (two pained grunts) Plus I’ve had a lot of quiet time to hang out and meditate. Recharge my qi. I’ve been trying to practice more mindfulness. Nothing worse than an unexamined life, am I right?

Mike: I guess. So, are there any more people around here I should know about? I don’t want anymore surprises…

Cyrus: Ha! Yeah, sorry about that man. Nah, it’s just me, the doc, and A.S.H. LE. Well, there was this guy, Greg, but he’s been gone for a while. Guy from tech support, rock and roll type, real slacker. Just took off one day, nobody knows where to. So, a Casteneda fan, huh?

Mike: Huh? Oh, right. Well… I read The Teachings of Don Juan when I was in high school.

Cyrus: Trippy stuff, huh?

Mike: Uh, yeah.

Cyrus: Cause you mentioned Mescalito back there and…

Mike: So I’m gonna go use the bathroom now… (footsteps)

Cyrus: Mike, wait, listen, I know we just met, but could I ask you another favour?

Mike: Uh, sure man. What d’you need?

Cyrus: Well, I’ve asked the doc about his a bunch of times, but he told me it’s impossible. (sigh) Maybe it is, I don’t know.

Mike: What, what’s up?

Cyrus: I’ve told you that it looks like my lower half is, er, somewhere else, right? Well I would really love to have my wallet back. It was— it is in my back pocket and there are lots of pictures of my family in there… Gosh, I’d really love to see ‘em again.

Mike: Hey, I’ll see what I can do, okay?

Cyrus: Oh man, that’d be amazing, thanks! I knew you were a good guy. Find the others, right man?

Mike: Absolutely.

A.S.H. LE: I just don’t think it’s a good idea to use the Rift and your personal restaurant take-out service.
 Dr. Oppenheimer: But these ration packs are completely inedible! Tuna lozenges, quiche strips, partially de-fatted pork fatty tissue, a tube of Vienna sausage paste… I—I don’t think any of this is organic, A.S.H. LE. And dare we speculate at what proprietary blend of herbs and spices comprises this buffalo chicken flavoured sparkling beverage? I mean, nobody’s going Paleo in this lab, I can assure you of that! Egh, at lest in the Rift we’ve got a shot at buying non-GMO.

A.S.H. LE: The packs are perfectly nutritive, according to my data!

Dr. Oppenheimer: That’s easy for you to say. You get to dine on conditioned electric current, you’ve never tasted the joys of farm-to-table cuisine.

A.S.H. LE: Hm. Meat disgusts me anyway.

[metal door noise]

Mike: Hey, guys? We need to help Cyrus.

Dr. Oppenheimer: Who’s Cyrus?

Mike: The guy out there? In the wall? The guy who’s been out there in the wall for the last five years.

Dr. Oppenheimer: Oh, him. Absolutely not.

Mike: What?! What d’you mean? He’s a human being, Oppenheimer.

Dr. Oppenheimer: He’s nothing more than a decorative element. And an ugly on at that. He matches nothing, Michael.

Cyrus: (muffled) I can hear you guys, ya know.

Mike: Oppenheimer, you can’t be serious.

Dr. Oppenheimer: I am deadly serious, Michael, he completely clashes with the midcentury modern look of the lab. Listen, we have important work to do here.

Mike: Your podcast, you mean? Well, you can do it alone then. If you won’t help Cyrus, I’m out. A.S.H. LE, send me back. I don’t care if it is all New Coke back there, i—it’s better than working for this asshole.

Dr. Oppenheimer: New Coke? Now— now wait a minute! A.S.H LE Don’t you dare!

A.S.H. LE: I will do it, doctor.

Dr. Oppenheimer: But… But he’s— (sigh) Oh, alright. Okay, alright. If I help him you’ll stay?

Mike: Yeah. Yeah, I’ll stay.

Dr. Oppenheimer: Well, okay then. Okay. I guess it’s been a while since we used a little science around here.

[rift noise]

Mike: Okay, I got the cheek swab from Cyrus, I had to assure him we wouldn’t share his information with any third parties. So what’s this… for exactly.

Dr. Oppenheimer: Well, Michael, it’s very simple really. A.S.H. LE will analyze Cyrus’ DNA and then we’ll attempt to find a match somewhere out there in the chaotic miasma of the rift. It should work, in theory. Michael, please hold the sample up a little higher.

Mike: Oh, yeah, sure. How’s that?

A.S.H. LE: Scanning… (computer beeping noise) Processing.

Dr. Oppenheimer: Well, what d’ya know. Impressive.

A.S.H. LE: Well, yeah.

Dr. Oppenheimer: Hm. Interesting. According to the display, Cyrus’ right arm is sticking out of the break room wall next to the vending machines. I’ve always thought that was one of those new, hip art shelves. Huh. I’ve been using it for my keys and gum wrappers.

Cyrus: Oh, that’s what that was?

Dr. Oppenheimer: Sorry!

Cyrus: No problem, Doc.

Dr. Oppenheimer: Now, let’s see. Hm. Ah yes. A.S.H. LE, magnify parallel coordinates 427548, 75285, 433859. Ah, good, good. Good! My friends, I believe we are looking at the exact location of Cyrus’ hindquarters! Give or take.

Cyrus: Really? Alright!

Dr. Oppenheimer: Well, Michael, are you ready to visit Cyrus’ lower half and retrieve his family treasures?

Mike: (laughs, clears throat) Sure.

Dr. Oppenheimer: A.S.H. LE, open the Rift!

A.S.H. LE: Opening. (rift noise)

Mike: Be back in a flash Cyrus!

Cyrus: Good luck, fellas.

[Weird half rift, half groan sound as Mike and Oppenheimer leave]

A.S.H. LE: Humans.

Cyrus: I know, right!

[Rift noise]

Mike: Holy— It— it’s beautiful! The colours, the sounds!

Dr. Oppenheimer: Welcome to hyperspace, Michael, the space between worlds, the prima materia that our very realities are born of! Here in it’s raw, spectral glory.

Mike: Does it always take this long?

Dr. Oppenheimer: (whispering) Only the first time the audience hears it. (out loud) Now, ready yourself, I can feel us returning to our corporeal state!

[Thud]

Mike: Okay, this place it truly weird. I feel like I’m on the ass end of a Pop Rocks and Pixie Stix binge.

Dr. Oppenheimer: Yes, yes, some sort of crystalline world. Very odd. Even the air seems crisper somehow— Glad we can breath it, hadn’t check on that— Now, let’s find Cyrus’ uh… hindquarters. A.S.H. LE, how close are we?

A.S.H. LE: He’s approximately 4.2 kilometres north of your current location, about midway up the mountain.

Dr. Oppenheimer Excellent, thank you A.S.H.— Wait, the mountain? Couldn’t you have gotten us any closer?

A.S.H. LE: Hm. Let’s recap. I pinpointed Cyrus’ location in the multiverse using only a cheek swab, oh and the power of quantum computing. I transported the two of you to said location across the infinite multiverse through a highly unstable rift int he fabric of space-time. Did I forget anything? Oh yeah, you’re still alive, (Oppenheimer clears his throat) and able to communicate with me. But you’re right. I’m the asshole for making you two do a little light hiking. I feel like a complete failure. A.S.H. LE out.

Dr. Oppenheimer: Well, I… hm… I suppose we should get climbing then, Michael.

Mike: Sounds like a plan. Hey, how many miles is 4.2 kilometres?

[Rift sound]

Mike: (out of breath) That was… That was more than… 4.2 kilometres, wasn’t it?

Dr. Oppenheimer: (also out of breath) A.S.H. LE may be short tempered, but she is unerringly accurate about distances, Michael.

Mike: Yeah, sure. Of course, I didn’t mean to—

Dr. Oppenheimer: Sh sh, look, over there, jutting out of that outcropping of rock, do you see?

Mike: Hey, yeah. That’s gotta be Cyrus. Those are totally Earth slacks, right?

Dr. Oppenheimer: Totally. Well let’s get his items and be done with it. (walking sounds)

Mike: Okay, but wait a minute, what’s all that stuff around him. A bunch of, uh… are those candles?

Dr. Oppenheimer: Some arrangement of light generators, yes. Why, it almost looks like a… shrine. We’d better hurry and retrieve the wallet. (walking sounds) Okay, quickly Michael, I’ve never toughed this mana nd I don’t intend to start now.

Mike: Sheesh, what is your problem? Alright. (pause) There’s nothing in he— Ow! (kicking noise)

Dr. Oppenheimer: Hm. Must be and involuntary reflex, like with a horse. You’re obviously approaching him wrong. Here, let me tr— Oof! (kicking noise) You’re right, there’s no wallet there. Wait, do you think that someone could’ve… (footsteps) Oh. Oh my.

(Whenever the Crystalosians speak it’s normal words played over strange noises, as a non-diegetic translation)

Lady Rubalith: Who intrudes upon the sanctity of the Object of Prime Cosmological Significance? Explain your soft, puffy presence here, strangers.

Amethystar: High Zenith Lady Rubalith, perhaps they too are friends from the sky like the Object. Observe their meaty mien and their similar slacks.

Lady Rubalith: Yes, yes, perhaps you are right, Amethystar. You give wise counsel my old friend and advisor. So, why are you here, strangers? Well?

Dr. Oppenheimer: Well, this is awkward. A.S.H.LE, establish real time translation.

A.S.H.LE: You have attempted to access a feature that is not available in the lite edition. To unlock this feature, please visit the Umbra Digital website at h-t-t-p colon forward slash—

Dr. Oppenheimer: (frustrated grunt) Well, so much for that. Listen, friends. We only want to retrieve he belongings of our friend here.

[clanking noises]

Lady Rubalith: Cease your gesticulations, it is forbidden to gesture toward the object. Enough of this ineffectual parlay, guards, take these two meatlings to the Crystal Caves.

Dr. Oppenheimer: I told you this wasn’t worth it. Let’s run!

Mike: No, just… Hold on. I’ve been listening to these guys talk, let me try something. (speaking with weird intonation) Prime Object mean much to Crystal guys, yes?

Lady Rubalith: What?

Amethystar: He speaks the Crystal Tongue.

Lady Rubalith: Guards, stand down. (clanking) Impressive, meatling. What is the purpose of the visitation? Speak carefully, you address the Lady Rubalith, High Zenith of Crystalos.

Dr. Oppenheimer: What? What’s she saying, Michael?

Mike: I’m not an expert Oppenheimer, I… I think she want’s to know why we’re here.

Dr. Oppenheimer: Oh. Well, tell he we made a mistake and let’s be off. Cyrus and his wallet be damned.

Mike: You know I can’t do that. Hold on, let me try something. (weird intonation again) Oh High Mucky Muck Big Time Lady Rubalith, legs in wall am friend from up waist. Us promise wall friend top parts us come find pocket stuff, then bring back to wall friend and he have big happy. You can help, please?

Lady Rubalith: Friend? The Object of Prime Cosmological Significance is your friend?

Amethystar: Can it be?

Lady Rubalith: Silence. I require a moment. Very well meatling. Your words and your slacks ring true. And I taste in both you and your companion the flavour of deepest loss, a frequency of sorrow that rouses a crystalline compassion in the geometries of my heart. These are after all, only relics, and our Prime Object is only a meatling’s lower half. But what you seek is more substantial, is it not? I will grant you what you ask.

Mike: (still using that weird intonation) You am big good, big happy us thank.

Lady Rubalith: There is just one condition. I will whisper it into your fleshy, audio receptor.

Dr. Oppenheimer: What? What is it?

Mike: (weird intonation) Deal. (normal voice) They’re giving us the wallet.

Dr. Oppenheimer: Excellent! Let’s get it and go. I’ve spent enough time on this fools errand.

Mike: Okay, but she’s invited us to stay for the ritual. They’re celebrating the anniversary of the discovery of the Object of… well, Cyrus’ ass. It would be rude to leave so abruptly.

Dr. Oppenheimer: Nonsense, we’ve stayed too long already. Say good bye, Michael.

Mike: She said there’ll be food.

Dr. Oppenheimer: Food, you say?

[Rift noise.]

[Sounds of lots of talking in background]

Lady Rubalith: We welcome our guests, Mike and Oppenheimer, as we celebrate the appearance, so many eons ago, of the Object of Prime Cosmological Significance, now known for the ages as Lower Cyrus; and the return of his… artefacts to their rightful place.

Mike: Jeez, I really wish Cyrus coulda been here. Well, the rest of him, his head and torso. A—and his arms.

Dr. Oppenheimer: Smells wonderful. Excuse me sir, do you know, is this organic?

Crystalosian Man: Excuse me?

Lady Rubalith: And now, let us feast as we reflect not he wonders of the cosmos. A happy Life-day to all. Let the music begin.

Reindeer Band Member: Hey Crystalos, we’re Reindeer! Thanks for having us at your… Life-day celebration. This one’s from our new single, it’s called “Tony”. Boy no more You’re a grown up cat that makes All the birds In the neighbourhood sing it on When you move Like a panther in the sand Sniff around, you just grow on everyone Can’t you see The whole world awaits your smile On the prowl You will kill with a fire inside What you are Is an eating machine in a million creatures why Do I hold you So close to my heart Kill with a fire inside Kill with a fire inside Kill with a fire inside your heart When you move Like a panther in the sand

[Rift sound.]

A.S.H. LE: Tape ended. Rewinding. (rewinding noise)

Dr. Oppenheimer: Well, that was a particularly satisfying adventure, Michael. Thank you for forcing me into it.

Mike: Ha! Any time.

Dr. Oppenheimer: And it was actually quite nice to reunite, um…

Cyrus: (muffled) Cyrus!

Dr. Oppenheimer: Yes, Cyrus. It was nice to reunite Cyrus with he contents of his wallet. (to Cyrus) Your family seems very nice.

Cyrus: (muffled) Thanks, Doc! It’s good to have the old library card back, too.

Dr. Oppenheimer: (yawns) So, I suppose I’ll turn in. We’ve much more work to do not he morrow and all that climbing and rich Crystalosian food has worn me out.

Mike: Just one more thing though, Oppenheimer. Um… Lady Rubalith gave this to me at he feast. She told me I should give it to you when I got back, said it’s something you needed. Here.

Dr. Oppenheimer: Crystal box? Well, it’s beautiful, but I don’t see how— Oh, there’s some sort of luminescent particle inside. It’s— oh, huh! (sparkly noise)

Mike: Whoa, look out!

Dr. Oppenheimer: No no no, wait. I don’ t think it’s harmful. Look, it’s settling on my desk. On… Esmerelda’s ring. My goodness, (unclassifiable sci-fi noise) it’s shot into the Rift! A.S.H. LE what’s happening, what does this mean?

A.S.H. LE: Scanning and processing. (computer beeping noise) Two things. One: the Rift has just healed. By an infinitesimal degree, but still. And two: I’m getting a DNA reading from the ring.

Dr. Oppenheimer: But, what? Esmerelda! A.S.H. LE, did you get a full scan of the luminescent object?

A.S.H. LE: Of course.

Dr. Oppenheimer: Compare it with the DNA on the ring.

A.S.H. LE: It’s… a complete match, Dr. Oppenheimer.

Dr. Oppenheimer: Of course it is, A.S.H. LE, of course it is!

Mike: Wait, what?

Dr. Oppenheimer: It’s very simple Michael, so very simple! When the Hadron Event occurred, I thought my wife had been simply vaporized, but that’s not it at all! You know, that man in the hall, um…

Cyrus: (muffled) Cyrus.

Dr. Oppenheimer: Yes! How Cyrus’ body was fragmented and blasted throughout the multiverse in the accident? Well the same thing happened to Esmerelda, only because of her proximity tot he blast it happened in a much more complex and devastating fashion, but it’s essentially the same thing, Michael! And if my guess is right… Here, let me show you. A.S.H. LE, run the same sort of DNA scan on the rift that we did for Cyrus, this time using the DNA not he ring.

A.S.H. LE: Scanning. (computer beeping noise) Processing.

[Whoosh]

Mike: Woah, the power’s dipping.

A.S.H. LE: It’s alright. Processor maxed out. Switch to auxiliary power cells. (boot up noise) Processing complete. Rendering matches on multiverse display.

Dr. Oppenheimer: My god… It’s full of stars. She’s… She’s…

Mike: Everywhere. Nice reference by the way.

Dr. Oppenheimer: Thank you. Thank you, Mike. I’m gonna fix this then. All of it.

Mike: The Rift, how?

Dr. Oppenheimer: Yes, the Rift, Esmerelda, it’s all connected. Look at her there, scattered across the multiverse. Lady Rubalith, that marvellous crystal woman, she showed me how. (theme song starts playing) If I can find and recover all these bits I can do it! And bring back my beloved Esmerelda. I;m certain of it! I’ll of course return you to your timeline, you’ve been far too patient with me already. I think you’ve earned it.

Mike: Now wait a minute. I’m not going anywhere. Until the Rift is fixed… there’s not hope for my timeline, or Beth. At least now I can do something about it. There’s all sorts of weird worlds out there, filled with all sorts of weird creatures and, let’s face it, you’re not the greatest communicator.

Dr. Oppenheimer: Hm. True. You were very helpful with the Crystalosians. Welcome to the team.

Cyrus: Uh, guys? Speaking of those crystal folks… I, uh (pained grunt) I think they’re trying to (pained grunt) make a crystal offering…

Mike: Well, what’d say, doctor, ready to take a little trip?

Dr. Oppenheimer: Michael, I dare say that I am. A.S.H. LE, open the rift! This multiverse isn’t going to save itself.

A.S.H. LE: Opening. (Rift sound)

[Theme song gets louder.]

Credits: You just listed to Hadron Gospel Hour! Written by Richard Wentworth and Michael McQuilkin. With production assistance for Katie Falvey, Rebeka White, Tim Conway, Sam Cusac, and Kris Paukstys. For more information on Hardon Gospel Hour, or to download new episodes find us at hardongospelhour.com. Dowload, rate, and review us on iTunes, Stitcher, Tunein, Dogcatcher, or wherever fine podcasts are consumed. And be sure to join us next time for an all new episode of Hadron Gospel Hour!

[Theme song ends.]

[hadrongospeltranscripts]

Season One Episodes

The Reluctant Hadronaut

Fright N’ Roll Night Rock

Pen Pals

Parallel Pioneers

Hadron Holiday Special

Hadron Nights OR The Arm is Afoot

A.S.H. LE Crackz Up

HeadHatz and Horror Hosts

The Phenomenon of Bilocation OR Quantum Entanglement

HGH Season One Sketch-tacluar