hadtochangeuserbecauseimparanoid

[hadtochangeuserbecauseimparanoid]

Once again, we have to put off breaking shit off with her AGAIN AND AGAIN because his parents will not give him notice for shit fuck at all. We desperately need to go ahead and get this over with. We desperately need our autonomy to be respected. I am so fucking livid and so fucking strained from all of this. I'm fucking tired of helping people on the fly, who would expect us to give notice to them if we needed help, who would not do the same if it was the other way around

[hadtochangeuserbecauseimparanoid]

Once again, we have to put off breaking shit off with her AGAIN AND AGAIN because his parents will not give him notice for shit fuck at all. We desperately need to go ahead and get this over with. We desperately need our autonomy to be respected. I am so fucking livid and so fucking strained from all of this. I'm fucking tired of helping people on the fly, who would expect us to give notice to them if we needed help, who would not do the same if it was the other way around

[hadtochangeuserbecauseimparanoid]

My fucking god dude can I please just cut you the fuck off. Please. I'm so incredibly tired of how complicated things become when I'm just trying my best. You cannot think of others enough for one second to acknowledge you are the reason you can't go anywhere today. You cannot see that because you got in your emotions with what you typed back yesterday, you answered me in a way that required me to be a shoulder when I couldnt and to decipher your wants when thats not my job. You emotionally dumped on me in response to me rainchecking when I was having my first break day in months, I'm not gonna stress myself by dealing with that when I was already having my own issues with not being able to cope with my new living situation.

Now I tell you that I and he needed notice, something you should know about the person you've been with for 8 years by the least. And you passive aggressively apologize for not giving me a response. Not for not giving me any solid response and for emotionally dumping on me. You don't get to imply that I'm the shitty person for requiring that, rather than you're shitty for getting upset with me that I literally set a boundary for the first time with you. I literally told you I need notice, and that I need solid answers, and you're upset with me.

Fuck

You

Fuck out of my life

[hadtochangeuserbecauseimparanoid]

Be short with me all fucking day, even saying night instead of goodnight, and thinking it'll just roll off my back with your good morning sunshine? Nope

Not gonna be your sunshine if you're gonna be my raincloud

[hadtochangeuserbecauseimparanoid]

I'm ngl I'm actually quite very much not here for being treated like I don't have feelings. And for being expected to be understanding of others emotions when they can't express them; Just showing me them through actions and not even showing me the trust of opening up

Most unhealthy shit. Text me the apology too, you can't text one of us and expect the apology to be broad enough to cover; you message us apologizing individually

[hadtochangeuserbecauseimparanoid]

You apologized for being short with babe for a stint of the day, yet you have not apologized to me for doing so since I told you we were too spazzed by moving yesterday to see you

Don't just message me the classic schpeal this morning like you don't have something else you need to say

[hadtochangeuserbecauseimparanoid]

Ngl bro I'm really sad

Like genuinely really sad

I thought you would be a person that would add to the puzzle. I thought you would be on the same page with us. I thought you said you were emotionally intelligent and mature, and that you wanted to heal.

Why are you willingly hurting yourself and us? Again? It's been a month since the last time, I thought you learned.

We can't keep watching you do this again and again. Learn to coparent or put your issues aside (let's be so real tho learn to coparent because yall CANNOT you're not capable because you have too much history and want to let the other lean on you like you're not just coparenting and being platonic

Honestly i should have expressed frustration the second you said you gave him a chance bc he was acting sweet. I guess that part is on us. You KNOW you won't work, you haven't for how many years? You haven't because of what? Because he doesn't prioritize the kids?

Neither one of you are

[hadtochangeuserbecauseimparanoid]

I'm honestly tired of literally having no one to vent to. I can't vent. Not without giving so much fucking context it would take hours. Not one wants that from someone who's barely messaged them. Especially when part of it involves their friend and my partner too. Not even in a bad way just in a light that they've literally asked me to not talk about them in.

So how do I vent then? How do I complain about having to make drinks, about having no time for us, when he has no time for him? I'm painfully aware of the logic yet I still long for his company. So badly. So baldy I'm hiding in the bathroom from falling asleep with him because it's never enough to just fall asleep together. I almost want to keep him from getting it so he longs for me more so he maybe desires us time rather than only giving it when I already have needed it for days.

I can't keep living in withdrawal.

[hadtochangeuserbecauseimparanoid]

'I'm about to go smoke'

'You can wait an hour were about to go to bed

'I'm in my headcand overwhelmed by stuff happening to me lately so i wanted to smoke to have any type of good night and to stop feeling like this'

-radio silence-

[hadtochangeuserbecauseimparanoid]

I'm genuinely so fucking overwhelmed and there's no break in sight

All I wanted was some icecream so I could cope. I guess we're waiting until Friday to get it.

I'm not gonna lie I genuinely can't keep doing this never getting any alone time with him thing. I haven't even been able to smoke alone with him for two days. We got more time alone when we visited. I know it's because there's no room for the friend who moved in yet.

It's genuinely killing me and I feel like I can't even open up to my second partner because she's going through a lot too. I'm so tired. I just want my baby. I just want things to get to a new normal

[hadtochangeuserbecauseimparanoid]

I might just go back to sleep at this fucking point honestly

[hadtochangeuserbecauseimparanoid]

I've just accepted I am not gonna get what I need until they move out and I just have to be okay with that.

Today's just a normal day. No holiday. Just a normal day. It isn't mother's day. It's just a normal day. Just forget it being mother's day because I won't get anything I need today.

And if I vent this to him, will he take care of me? He likely can't because of this so. He likely just needs today for him again it's fine. I just won't get time for me. Again. And again. And again. And again. Maybe when they move

[hadtochangeuserbecauseimparanoid]

I don't need to feel like I'm sacrificing my free time by taking care of myself. I don't need to prefer playing stardew and rotting to making myself a delicious meal and taking a shower. My body IS ME TOO and it needs to be treated with the same love I want to show anyone I care for. It's why phrases like my body is my buddy sound so stupid to me. My body has issues but I still have to care for it to healthily survive. Same with my brain. But moreso, I have to take care of it because I am full of immense knowledge and drive for it, I'm an amazing gift giver because I understand my friends, I connect with babe so much because I understand him despite him being so different from me in so many ways. I love the kittens so much I clean their eyes daily. I feel so much guilt about things that they haunt my nightmares until I change. I'm not capable of lying so my friends trust me in a different level. I am so capable and worth existing because of the good I foster and I need to tell myself this, what babe does, more often.

God my brain is such a fucked up tangle of knots and I'm really sitting back looking at it in text form. This and the last post. I know exactly why I struggle to show others consistent love and connection; it's not just ocd, I struggle to show myself consistent love and connection, and if my periods of lacking such for myself look anything similar to when I lack such with friends or lovers.... I really look like I don't care. I've never had to use this much energy in this place this consistently truly. It's new and scary and I fall into my old habit autopilot often thinking nothing of it because consistency in love for myself is so new to me. I've been depressed for so long I'm scared I'll burn myself out so I haven't started consistently without feeling a pressure that looks like it's gonna topple me and make me self destruct or something. Idk if that'll even happen but I'm scared of it. I'm scared of becoming worse somehow by failing. I think I'm just so scared ill wake up and be unable to love myself and that'll be it.

I may need to do mantras. Reminders of the why. So I don't forget it's not a chore, it's a door

Self care isn't a chore, it's a door. A possible future tattoo idea

[hadtochangeuserbecauseimparanoid]

It's a vicious cycle of if i do what I need to do for him then I have to also do what I need to do for me. I have trouble putting worth in myself because I'm not where I want to be, far from it actually, and because I haven't ever consistently, or really /ever/, shown myself what I need to, I can't healthily show him what he and I need me to without putting myself out. I've never juggle both properly, I'm so new to knowing I needing to do better for myself to do those things, I have no idea how to start or what to do. I don't. I never have except for fawning or caring for him without caring for myself. I haven't paved both paths next to eachother. Because I learned affection to be at an expense; because it's grandeau and it's passionate and it's sacrifice because I've only learned it from books, only felt it from my parents in that way. Love was never out of choice but necessity with a choice. It was never automatic but compells me to give give give until I see us as a unit. It's why taking feels bad, it feels like I'm making you sacrifice.

I don't know why my brain has to be so fucked up. How do I untangle this

[hadtochangeuserbecauseimparanoid]

I have always felt like I'm not enough

[hadtochangeuserbecauseimparanoid]

I'm at a point where I just don't fucking know what my issue is but I'm tired of it.

I envy how comfortable she is in her own skin. I envy how in tune she is with herself sexually. I envy how flirting just comes naturally to her.

I don't fucking love myself like I should. I fear I am a simple comfort while she gives him exactly what he needs sexually and romantically. I can rizz him up all I want, I can hit on him or compliment him all I want, I can initiate all I want. I want to. I have been. I still don't feel like I'll ever be enough

Whenever we're there, he loves up so much on her and neither one of them love up on me consistently. They do show me love, but I feel I'm doing something wrong. I'm worried maybe I'm not ready to hit the steps they have. I worry I prefer to take this way slower in the romance and sex department, focusing on moments coming up within us bonding as friends. We haven't bonded fully as friends, I haven't felt a desire to do anything with her because I did not get the chance to bond before. I don't have that pulling feeling towards her body, just towards getting to know her. I do find her hot as shit, but when I'm with her I wanna talk and bond, not feel her ass and tits and get riled up.

I just. They moved so fast into constantly being romantic that I don't know if I'm insecure that I'm not there yet with her more, or that I don't get that level of constant now that we're almost 6 years in. I don't know if its my depression getting in my head, or if it's me wanting to just talk and talk and always feeling like I'm fucking the mood up, or like I'm a fucking lump on a log that's made of them. I feel like he desires my friendship more than hers and her sexuality more than mine. I also just don't feel like I'm able to be sexy in personality. She's so sexy and I don't have a natural allure like she does.

I also worry my sex drive, my energy for the tease beforehand, is lacking. I know it is, but I don't know what to do to help it. I'm torn between teasing him and her because I'm not in the headspace to act in a way I don't feel. But I don't know how to feel sexy. Everything I felt was sexy about me I don't anymore. My pictures look too much like an of models and not amateur enough for his preferences. So I can't take nudes I'm proud of anymore. That damaged me worse than I think he knows. I've been taking them like that for years and it took another person taking amateur ones for him to tell me he prefers that style. I felt I was doing okay in flirting and gassing him up until she flirted with him and I realized just how much affection he really needs. I feel like I made him feel so loved and seen sexually, then she had sex with him and sounded like a woman straight out of the hottest porn. Each time they've fucked they've had the freedom to be loud and go on for a minuteeee with 0 stressors. We have NEVER EVER gotten that once ever in our entire relationship EXCEPT for when we're with her.

We literally have not once had sex in an environment where we can fully let loose, and he is learning her sexually through situations where they have the freedoms we never had and never will have.

[hadtochangeuserbecauseimparanoid]

So like, had the inevitable fear dream finally.

I would walk into them snuggling, and they didn't even look my way. Me and her basically swapped routines/roles in every other spot, like showering, going places, sleeping. Had a bit where I went to sleep early, woke up to them not being there, and found them in a guest room like they were hiding from me. Also had a bit where they both were with another woman and man having a 4 way in the shower, while I just got done crying and decided to talk about the bed thing.

Idk if this dream has meaning, shows how othered I have basically made myself feel, both, or if my subconscious is just torturing me. I've had fear dreams like this with just babe when it was just us. So it could just be my subconscious fears arising