hady-violet

[hady-violet]

I mean, I’d definitely try making it. I doubt I’d actually take it though. Both because I don’t have a fancy NMR machine to check how pure it is, and for obvious reasons.

Nilered episode where they make estrogen

[hady-violet]

I dislike that I am not opposed to the idea of Estrogen roulette. For the exact same reason.

I don’t want in the cage though.

Estrogen roulette, you get all your friends together and give everyone a bottle of pills and one of you has a bottle of estrogen and everyone else has placebo and you have to figure out who has the estrogen

[hady-violet]

Okay, I know I said the account is dead, but according to my friend, something about me says trans, so maybe it’s not that dead.

[hady-violet]

Okay, this whole thing is embarrassing. I’m a guy, end of the story. This account is officially dead now.

[hady-violet]

Well, I have no idea what’s wrong with this picture, so I guess it’s official.

[hady-violet]

Don’t like that lipgloss. It might look alright, but it sure as hell feels annoying as fuck.

I don’t even know why I’m doing that. I am usually not a fan of makeup when it’s on other people. But for some reason I more or less like it when it’s on me.

Welcome back everybody to another episode of “Do I love it or do I hate it?”, with the subcategories “Do I love it because I want to be gender non-conforming or because I’m trans?” And “Do I hate it because it makes me look like a grown ass person and I don’t want to be that, because I dislike any kind of change or because I am not trans?” Spoiler alert, the answer to all these questions is “No fucking clue!”

I am your host, either Violet or Hady, hard to know before I answer these questions.

[hady-violet]

If only my hair would be long enough to match, that would be really cool.

Welcome back everybody to another episode of “Do I love it or do I hate it?”, with the subcategories “Do I love it because I want to be gender non-conforming or because I’m trans?” And “Do I hate it because it makes me look like a grown ass person and I don’t want to be that, because I dislike any kind of change or because I am not trans?” Spoiler alert, the answer to all these questions is “No fucking clue!”

I am your host, either Violet or Hady, hard to know before I answer these questions.

[hady-violet]

Yeah, I do think I like it. At least if I don’t look at it for too long.

Welcome back everybody to another episode of “Do I love it or do I hate it?”, with the subcategories “Do I love it because I want to be gender non-conforming or because I’m trans?” And “Do I hate it because it makes me look like a grown ass person and I don’t want to be that, because I dislike any kind of change or because I am not trans?” Spoiler alert, the answer to all these questions is “No fucking clue!”

I am your host, either Violet or Hady, hard to know before I answer these questions.

[hady-violet]

I do think I like it currently, but I don’t know if it’s because I choose green eyeshadow this time, because of my mood, or because I didn’t wear it that long yet.

Welcome back everybody to another episode of “Do I love it or do I hate it?”, with the subcategories “Do I love it because I want to be gender non-conforming or because I’m trans?” And “Do I hate it because it makes me look like a grown ass person and I don’t want to be that, because I dislike any kind of change or because I am not trans?” Spoiler alert, the answer to all these questions is “No fucking clue!”

I am your host, either Violet or Hady, hard to know before I answer these questions.

[hady-violet]

Welcome back everybody to another episode of “Do I love it or do I hate it?”, with the subcategories “Do I love it because I want to be gender non-conforming or because I’m trans?” And “Do I hate it because it makes me look like a grown ass person and I don’t want to be that, because I dislike any kind of change or because I am not trans?” Spoiler alert, the answer to all these questions is “No fucking clue!”

I am your host, either Violet or Hady, hard to know before I answer these questions.

[hady-violet]

This fucking post again! Not this fucking post again!

The thing is, I’d definitely press the button. That’s not even a question. The question is: how often? I’d definitely press it 10 times. I think I’d press it 50 times. A hundred? Maybe, 64% isn’t that much.

But am I just willing to take the risk, or am I hoping for the 1%? I have no idea!

And what if it was 10%? 50? Would I still press it? I’m fairly certain I’d still press it at 10%, probably at least twice, maybe more. What about the 50% button? Would I press it? I don’t know.

Next question, do I not know if I’d press it because I’m just an overthinking cis guy who would not want to be a girl, or just because I’m extremely scared of change, and I’m actually a trans girl? (What doesn’t help: Writing the phrase “I’m actually a trans girl” triggered some kind of feeling, but I can’t even say if it’s positive or negative, yet alone what it actually is.)

And, going back to the actual post above, for how much would I be willing to press the button? I don’t think I’d press the 50% button for any less than the million. The 10% button? I don’t know. I’d probably press the 1% button for a hundred. 20 bucks? I don’t know, but I’d definitely think about it.

And now, what the heck am I supposed to do now???

[hady-violet]

Welp, it’s settled, I’ll buy a skirt now. The one I have in mind is expensive though, so it’ll take a month or two until I’ll actually buy it.

That is, unless I get this nonsense out of my head until then, in which case there will be no need for that.

[hady-violet]

How the fuck did you find this? This blog is not supposed to be findable. Well, since you have found this, let me enlighten you what this blog is:

So you see, I, the cis straight guy on tumblr, have been wondering if maybe I am not that cis. That is not exactly an easy thing to find out though, because, like, I have no idea how people know their gender? Like, where in the brain is it? How does it feel? I never understood what people mean by „my gender feels like [x]“, because what do you mean a gender feels, and how do you know it does?

So, like, why do I think I might be trans? Well, you see, I have a thing where if I hear symptoms of something, I immediately find multiple reasons why this applies to me, so I definitely have that. I first noticed that when I heard a theory about N from Pokemon being autistic, and that theory mentioned symptoms of autism, and I was like „hey, these all kinda apply to me!“ Of course, now I know I do have autism, so maybe that isn’t the best example, but since then this happened with many things, among them stuff like DID, which I definitely don’t have. So I’m fairly certain I’m not trans, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t haunt my mind.

So, like, I’ve seen multiple posts about how trans people feel pre-transitioning, and I did that thing again. In addition to that, I don’t like looking too masculine or being referred to as “man” (which could be due to age though, because I have no problem with “guy“), I would not mind having a body swap with someone who is “biologically female“, and as long as I remember I wanted longer hair, and I wouldn’t mind looking more feminine in general. Also, in the last year I’ve had many instances where I thought about how it would be if I turned out to be transfem. Also, I recently tried some makeup, and I was somewhat happy with it, at least sometimes. Oh, and the somewhat longer parts of my hair make me unreasonably happy. And I did have the thought “If I had a female body, I wouldn’t want to change it“ multiple times in the context of people wanting to get rid of breasts or something.

Now, on the other hand, I have no gender dysphoria whatsoever. Like, it’s not like I’m exactly a big fan of the body/facial hair or penis, but I don’t feel wrong or something about them existing. Same with a lack of breasts, I don’t feel like I’m missing something. No alienation from how society wants me to act (except that I hate it whenever someone tells me “you need to do [x] because you’re a man“) other than what comes from the autism, no “I wish I was a girl“ thoughts at any point in my life, no having always acted too girly for everyone else, nothing. Plus, like mentioned before, I do tend to imagine things apply to me when they very much don’t. So, like, I’m fairly certain I’ll get this out of my head sooner or later.

I’ll still be buying a skirt though, when I have some spare money.