hagetsu

[hagetsu]

a new year. | xiao x reader

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“come on,” xiao urged, “give me your hand.”

as he turned around, his eyes glittered under the dancing colors of the festival lights. he looked beautiful, and for the first time in a long while, xiao held the softest smile. you almost reached out to touch his face in the manner which he said was childish but will lean in to you anyway.

ah.

but he wasn’t talking to you, he wasn’t looking at you. he probably doesn’t even realize you’re here. you were a little far away from him, safely covered by dozens of other people waiting in line. though you would recognize his voice anywhere, as it used to be your safe haven when you’re feeling overwhelmed. you could only look away and clutch the ride tickets you bought almost 2 months ago.

it was all planned, really. meet, fall in love, go on dates, get married, live a life together. “so, about our holiday plans-“, you started.

“y/n.”, he suddenly spoke, turning his head towards you.

you were about to surprise xiao with a festival date to celebrate new years when he realized he was not willing to spend the rest of his life with you. he didn’t want to start the new year together if you wouldn’t be able to end the year together, too.

��it makes sense, right?”, he sighed, as if he had thought of it over and over and over and over again. “it’s unfair for me to pretend i still want you, us, just so we could avoid spoiling the occasion. better to end it now, here.”

but you don’t understand. you could barely form the words to say to him, needles lodged in your throat as you feel the world spinning. your hands and legs moved first, pleading, begging, for him to tell you that this is all a joke. a misunderstanding.

“xiao-“, you managed to speak. “please, tell me what i need to do, what i need to work on. surely there’s still something we could do to make this work- i promise, i promise. please.” incoherent words and mumbles came out of your mouth, desperately trying to find the right words—anything to make him stay. tears drenched the palms of your hands as you frantically wipe them away, terrified of ever losing sight of the man you have slept next to for the last six years. afraid that if you were to look away for a split second, he’d vanish, with no trace that he was ever yours.

you could’ve talked and explained for hours, days, and maybe even years, but he had made up his mind. and you tried. but there was nothing you could’ve said or done to change his decision.

“i love you. please.” you whispered.

he closed his eyes, “i don’t want to say it, i don’t want it to be the last thing you hear from me.” and every fiber of your being collapses, allowing yourself to feel everything all at once.

“okay,” the pain in your voice so evident, and no longer fighting the inevitable. “okay, xiao.”

xiao left that night. the familiar perfume you have grown fond of slowly disappearing as you cling on his side of the bed, hoping it stays on your skin.

remembering the feeling of absence and terrified of how he would look at you once he sees you were enough reasons for you to walk away from the long line at the festival. you put the now crumpled tickets back to your pockets and you continued to move towards the exit.

“changed your mind?” the operator offered you a kind smile. he must’ve noticed the way you walk to hurriedly as if the ride was going to catch up on you and trap you. you were nauseous and unable to form a reply, you could only nod back to him.

the last time you saw the love of your life was when he turned his back to you and said his goodbye. the memory still suffocates you and you were so, so, so sure your heart still beats for him and the only way to calm down is for him to wrap you with his arms. but you were also sure his heart no longer beats for you, and he no longer has an obligation to take care of you.

does he know you would be here, today? is that the reason he was with someone else—to show you he has moved on?

you gritted your teeth and scolded yourself. you shouldn’t think of such cruel things. surely it was just a coincidence, the world is a small place. he loved going to festivals. you both did. this is the exact place and occasion you first met. who wouldn’t expect him to be here?

but it was cruel, wasn’t it? how could he look at someone else the way he looked at you?

before you can even start a debate with yourself, the night stills. everyone stopped what they’re doing and looked up at the sky, slowly being illuminated by colorful lights. the sound of the fireworks was enough to silence your heart, at least just for a little while.

and with that, a new year begins. without him, without your xiao.

[hagetsu]

finally back on tumblr! one of my 2023 goals is to read and write more 🍞