26.Most Sarcastic Superhero Alive. Bitterly half ass single. This is my world play by play. From dating to drinking to judging those around me these are all my feels! If you are sensitive or are gonna take me serious stop reading now!
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I’m sadly aging toward the second option. I mean I definitely don’t want to give my children the Casey Anthony special however my definition of crazy nights def involve more anger than slut. I do see how men get shot tho. The older I get the more I understand how you get to the point where living OITNB sounds better than living the bachelor && fighting 13 girls for the same guy. #priorities #uhohyourroseisonfire
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I said I was gonna update this daily && I hadn't even touched it in a few months til a week ago. That's gonna change. I still haven't told anyone of the existence of this blog really. I planned on having more time to jot down the quirky things that enter my head. Sadly they have been wasted on strangers that don't appreciate the depth of my humor. That or they don't think I'm funny. Possibly both. I maybe the only person who really enjoys myself properly. Shame really. When I started this I was far more bitter than I have been lately. Maybe I'm maturing......or maybe I'm finally cashing in on some of this white privilege I've been hearing about. I kid I kid. I know how fortunate I am. I just am utterly amazed how well things are going now. Don't worry tho I won't lose my sarcastic edge. I have far too much resentment for that :) #upupandaway
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So.......I did a thing. Apparently the world record for being single was like 84 years or something crazy like that so I stopped going for the title. So I found a person. FUN FACT...... dating makes me insane. I mean it's not "hello clariceee" insane, it's more of a "my preciousssss" kind of insane. I'm suddenly a seagull from Finding Nemo MINEMINEMINEMINE. Not really sure how it's supposed to work so I'm just winging it. Could turn out well.....could finally be my break to daytime television on one of those Snapped TV shows.....who knows?! Just gotta embrace the great and embrace the suck. #crazyisascrazydoes #turnhimintoalampshade
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A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian said: “Fuck off, you won’t bring it back.” Moral of that story: Learn to laugh at shit you definitely shouldn’t. I mean do it with dignity (like after you’ve left the funeral) but don’t let society’s moral compass tell you when you’re allowed a ha-ha. I’ve survived horrible things in my life mostly by having a really dark sense of humor. && I’m better for it. Ya your parents hugged you but I can go to Mexico without a tour guide to protect me. #nosuburbs #laughlikeitwontoffendeveryone
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Here's some A1 advice. Don't be an douche. If you can't handle that stay inside. Life is hard enough. All of our parents sucked. It's hard to get a career going. We can't afford the life style we are entitled too. Don't make it worse with that attitude. We are all just trying to survive so let's keep the vibrations positive. I'm a negative nancy most days but just in good humor. I am actually super positive. I know good things will happen to me. Know the same for you. The glass is not just half full, the glass is refillable. Add some vodka. Have a good day. #benice #stayinyourlane
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Shout out to the ride or dies! This is probably why I am still single. I have way too many questions. I wanna google maps the whole adventure. I want backstory. We hafta stop for food and pictures at landmarks. I want the auxiliary cord for half of the way. Can I play Adele? Hello it's me. #roadtrip #bonnieandclyde
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Here's some advice: DO STUFF ALONE! I love doing things alone. I moved across the country alone. I go to movies and dinner alone all the time. It helps you check in with yourself. You don't really know what you like to do until you do things alone. There is a freedom in not having to ask someone what they want to do. You just do whatever you want. It's epic. I recommend it. If you have to have someone with you all the time there is something your afraid to talk to yourself about. Be okay with you and then invite people along. Life is good at a solo meal. Take yourself on a date. A magical one. Order desert. You are worth it. #solodate #alonetime
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Surprise. This is my favorite quote. Never gets old. Some people just get so upset when things don’t go their way. Make things go your way. I am the queen at not taking no as an answer. Its not always a good thing but sometimes it is. If I ever learned how to want things that were good for me I would change the world. Maybe I will. I have a strong personality and a hell of a git-r-done attitude. I get what I want. You can too. Speak it into existence. Take the bull by the horns. Make your reality a good one. You get one shot at this life thing. Make it count. #lifestooshort #gogetem #whenonedoorcloses
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Would this work? Only on white guys! I need to find a Greg. That's my New Years resolution. Find a Greg and settle down. Boss him around. Get a MK purse finally. #goals #2k16
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Can't we all just get along? Put her boyfriend down. No not in the DM. Damnit. Here we go.
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You're being rude. Pass the syrup. Oops. I spilled some. 😜 #restrainingorderlifted
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Strong like bull. It's too late to get a boyfriend. I don't like people enough anyway. I do like fireball. Even though I lose a potential everytime I drink it. Oh well. #shotsshots
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Damnit. I'll be damned if I'm gonna put my Starbucks down. Kids have taken enough from me. But really I have started putting my phone down during the day and only using it at night. Apparently I have two kids. The girl seems kinda bratty but the boy has some valid points about what I should do with my life. Update coming soon. #kids #whoknew
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Is this too much to ask for? YES. It is. I'm 5'9. And apparently that means that all guys 5'10-5'8 are reserved for me. Guys 6 foot and taller date short girls. Why? It looks like you are kidnapping her. Take that girl home to her parents and let me wear heels on a date! Is that unreasonable? I just wanna look like I'm not an Amazon one time. It's not like I'm 6'5...I'm 5'9. That's just a few inches over average. Ugh. Whatever. That's why I'm always catching rebounds. #overit #rebounder #offtheglass
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This should be an acceptable answer in today's society. It is exactly my relationship status all the time. Somebody changes. Sometimes. Mostly stays the same. Fuck him. Or not. It's whatever really. #mood #savage #tomorrowtomorrow
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True story. Maybe I have never been in love but I have never considered getting Juan Pablo tattooed on my temple. I mean I get it....nothing says I love you like a chest tattoo. Ahhhh maybe one day 😳. #tattoo #truelove #joseandjuan
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Look at you. Being all faithful. He has 25 other girls in his phone. But you shoot down those thirsty comments on your selfie you took just for him to notice. He didn't notice. Send one of those dudes a winky face and see how quick he text you. That's FuckBoy code 101. Don't let them slip away. Anytime you try to move on or quit freaking out for their attention they will send you a song to listen to or remind you why you stick around with a forehead kiss. Sadly it's hard to keep the fuckboys wanting more, it's hard to play their game, it's that gooddick Magic. #suckstosuck
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